(I post this here because it was too long to be accepted into my profile. I just was in the mood to write. You can take it or leave it.)
My sexual addiction took off when I was 13, when my body began to go through that phase that every boy goes through. From the earliest moment that I became aware of my sexual nature, I began to exploit my own body for a hit of dopamine. I acted out because it felt good, and I wanted to feel good. I needed to feel good. Unfortunately the nature of this activity is progressive. And the mind becomes obsessed with developing and discovering ways to enhance the experience of pleasure. When I was 18, I got access to porn on the internet. I was already an addict, but that was the most powerful moment. That experience cannot be appreciated by anyone who hasnāt lived it. And that was the feeling I chased for the remainder of my life as an addict.
I also knew from the beginning that my behavior was questionable in the least. It caused extreme mood swings as my dopamine peaked and troughed. It violated my conscience. It violated my freedom. But I had no one to trust and no guidance.
Not until my mid twenties did I understand and accept that I was addicted and that I had to change. I cried and prayed. I told God to fix me no matter what it took. I bought books. I read them and cried. Nothing happened. I donated the books and stopped praying. Years went by. I dug deeper into porn. I discovered ways to enhance the pleasure. I injured myself from acting out and also from trying to escape from it. I fell into depression. I shunned my family. I all but gave up.
In my late twenties, I learned that there are groups of sex addicts that meet. I begged to join an online group. During my first share, I got a time warning. It felt cold. I left the meeting wondering how anyone could recover in a place like that. Five minutes is no better than one second when you have so much on your mind.
So I tried an in person meeting. I drove over an hour to the closest one. They were nice people. For a while it seemed promising. I attended several times. Eventually I realized I couldnāt recover there either. Most, if not all, didnāt really believe you can recover. That seems to be the prevailing view of sexual addiction, which I disagreed with and still do!
I proceeded directly to a different group. It had a more positive atmosphere. But it also did not feel right. There was still this idea that you canāt fully recover that I could not accept. I would not settle for anything less than complete freedom.
At the same time, I gave professional counseling a try. The counselor tried to appeal to my Christian sensibility and my conscience. He seemed frustrated that his approach was ineffective. He was not prepared to deal with an entrenched behavior that defies religion and conscience. I told him that I had discovered a Christian based group, and we agreed that I should go there.
So from there I transitioned to Celebrate Recovery. I drove many miles multiple times a week to various places in order to stay focused. My experience with CR was very promising and almost proved successful. They believed in full recovery. I could see and talk to people that had recovered. I eventually left the group, because I was offended by someone there while in a step work session.
It is remarkable that eventually I would find freedom using a secular app. And Iām beginning to see why this app works so well. I needed 24/7 support. No sponsor can provide that. I needed accountability to the extreme without judgement. That means I needed everyone to see my struggle. EVERYONE! I needed to have no time constraints. Leaving a meeting carrying the same baggage I brought with me leads to failure.
Sober Talk has been the key to my success because it allowed me to pursue a recovery that is as unique as I am. No one else could possibly write a program that would work for me. I had to write my own, and I did it here. Thanks!
