Prayers and thanks for sharing. If I can help in something I am willing to offer my poor person
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Itās almost 7 months. There are you and downs as expected. But there is steady improvement. Iāve been playing piano for 30 years, and Iām still improving.
Starting now I will be thinking in terms of strong or weak urges instead of cravings. Weak urges donāt concern me. I assume they are normal. Iāll be using this app to track the strong urges as I judge them.
I havenāt been checking off every day. I look at my PMO timer maybe 3 times a week. Iām just living and enjoying my freedom.
I have not had any struggle comparable to what I described in my last post. And I donāt expect to.
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whatās your sober date?
Great numbers btw
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Nov 28, 2019. Two days away from 7 months
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Ah we are almost sober twins, mine is the 27th of november
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Iām learning how to feel good without it. I just did it to feel good. Now I search for what really satisfies and doesnāt leave me feeling wretched.
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Can anyone recommend a good thread for daily check ins relating to sex addiction?
There is at least one daily check in thread for everyone. You can do it there. Or you can do it anywhere you feel is appropriate.
Today I am coming off a mobile gaming binge. (I hope.) I could call this an addiction as well, although it hardly compares to PMO. The remarkable thing that compels me to mention this, is that I can now binge on something and not relapse into PMO. Iāve binged on all kinds of things over the years. These binges have been inseparable from my main addiction. I suppose they were a kind of enhancement. Binging on anything always included PMO. This is no longer happening.
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(I post this here because it was too long to be accepted into my profile. I just was in the mood to write. You can take it or leave it.)
My sexual addiction took off when I was 13, when my body began to go through that phase that every boy goes through. From the earliest moment that I became aware of my sexual nature, I began to exploit my own body for a hit of dopamine. I acted out because it felt good, and I wanted to feel good. I needed to feel good. Unfortunately the nature of this activity is progressive. And the mind becomes obsessed with developing and discovering ways to enhance the experience of pleasure. When I was 18, I got access to porn on the internet. I was already an addict, but that was the most powerful moment. That experience cannot be appreciated by anyone who hasnāt lived it. And that was the feeling I chased for the remainder of my life as an addict.
I also knew from the beginning that my behavior was questionable in the least. It caused extreme mood swings as my dopamine peaked and troughed. It violated my conscience. It violated my freedom. But I had no one to trust and no guidance.
Not until my mid twenties did I understand and accept that I was addicted and that I had to change. I cried and prayed. I told God to fix me no matter what it took. I bought books. I read them and cried. Nothing happened. I donated the books and stopped praying. Years went by. I dug deeper into porn. I discovered ways to enhance the pleasure. I injured myself from acting out and also from trying to escape from it. I fell into depression. I shunned my family. I all but gave up.
In my late twenties, I learned that there are groups of sex addicts that meet. I begged to join an online group. During my first share, I got a time warning. It felt cold. I left the meeting wondering how anyone could recover in a place like that. Five minutes is no better than one second when you have so much on your mind.
So I tried an in person meeting. I drove over an hour to the closest one. They were nice people. For a while it seemed promising. I attended several times. Eventually I realized I couldnāt recover there either. Most, if not all, didnāt really believe you can recover. That seems to be the prevailing view of sexual addiction, which I disagreed with and still do!
I proceeded directly to a different group. It had a more positive atmosphere. But it also did not feel right. There was still this idea that you canāt fully recover that I could not accept. I would not settle for anything less than complete freedom.
At the same time, I gave professional counseling a try. The counselor tried to appeal to my Christian sensibility and my conscience. He seemed frustrated that his approach was ineffective. He was not prepared to deal with an entrenched behavior that defies religion and conscience. I told him that I had discovered a Christian based group, and we agreed that I should go there.
So from there I transitioned to Celebrate Recovery. I drove many miles multiple times a week to various places in order to stay focused. My experience with CR was very promising and almost proved successful. They believed in full recovery. I could see and talk to people that had recovered. I eventually left the group, because I was offended by someone there while in a step work session.
It is remarkable that eventually I would find freedom using a secular app. And Iām beginning to see why this app works so well. I needed 24/7 support. No sponsor can provide that. I needed accountability to the extreme without judgement. That means I needed everyone to see my struggle. EVERYONE! I needed to have no time constraints. Leaving a meeting carrying the same baggage I brought with me leads to failure.
Sober Talk has been the key to my success because it allowed me to pursue a recovery that is as unique as I am. No one else could possibly write a program that would work for me. I had to write my own, and I did it here. Thanks!
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There are two kinds of addiction substance addiction and action addiction. sex addicts are action addicts. Gaming is an action that you can get addicted to. Us action addicts especially. So be careful, dealing with a gaming addiction is hard. Trust me
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Good for you RBG! 
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Thirty one days have passed since I had a strong urge to act out sexually. This includes everything I was in a habit of doing uncontrollably. This excludes nothing whatsoever. In other words I have not struggled with sexual urges for thirty one days. One solid month. Every urge in the past month was easily overcome.
I donāt believe this is a flat line. Iāve already experienced that. I believe this is a consequence of practicing self discipline. That is, in fact, what I have been doing. And if practice and discipline could result in anything for recovery, this is exactly the result I would expect. There is nothing to be surprised about.
Since Iām here celebrating, Iāll ramble on a bit.
I bought these two tires three years ago and used them for outside CrossFit style training. It really was a lot of fun, the most enjoyable training Iāve ever done. The top one weighs 150 and the bottom weighs 215 pounds. If I remember, I abandoned them for squats some two and a half years ago. Today after work I looked at them lying behind my house, and felt that it was time to handle them again. And we fell in love all over again. I was stronger than ever and even carried then bare handed, which I had never been able to do. So if I go missing, I might be playing with tires.
(Corrected tire weight)
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She offers a method to deal with procrastination.
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Another milestone. Iām experiencing my first asexual romantic fantasy since before I discovered porn. In my mind Iām experiencing woman as an object of affection and nothing more. She is sitting on a couch occupied, and I am lying next to her. My arm is wrapped around her, and my head is resting against her. It is peaceful and comforting. And that is as far as my mind wants to go.
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Nine months nine days
It just keeps getting easier. I was satisfied with my progress two months ago. I would have accepted that with gratitude. So I canāt imagine where this will end, and I wonāt even try. We donāt know the mindās limits. Perhaps being normal is underachieving.
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Nine months 27 days
I learned today why Iām still active here, although admittedly less so. Itās an attempt to fill a social emptiness. I know this because I called an uncle for the first time that I can remember. He called me earlier this year. He has social functionality which I donāt have. I must have lost it somewhere in the middle of my addiction. I was nearly convinced that I donāt need social contact at all, but today I know certainly that I do. And I need it very much. I know because of how I felt after talking to him and to my parents and my brother, all this morning. I felt something afterwards that I had forgotten how to feel, forgotten that it was even a thingādeep satisfaction from just connecting with people. It sapped my compulsion to log in here. I know what I need now, not something I can find here. I wonder how Iāll proceed with this. My metamorphosis continues.
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Awake at three in the morning due to indigestion, but not fully awake. Feeling like I could sleep if it werenāt for this indigestion. Just some rambling thoughtsā¦
I called my older sister yesterday. I hadnāt called her this year. I think what motivated me was, at least in part, a desire to connect. She is moving back into my vicinity. I told her I was happy about this and I was looking forward to running around with her adopted boys. We should meet at a park somewhere between our domiciles. I affectionately refer to them as āthe snake handlersā, since hearing about their misadventures with snakes. (Itās a boy thing.) To be honest, Iām forty one, but Iād much rather be throwing things with my nephews than sitting with adults.
Later I called my brother. During this conversation, I apologized for not attending his wedding. My motive was illogical and judgemental, and I told him so.
Whatās happening with me? Iām doing things effortlessly that I previously struggled with or never really wanted to do. Whatās next?
Fear. This could be the variable to examine. Between Then and Now, especially in the last three months Iāve become acquainted with fearlessness. I donāt fear exposing my weaknesses and failures. Why is that? A scientist could talk about neurotransmitters and hormones. Maybe thatās all there is to it, a consequence of controlling my behavior. Confidence in self control is a new aspect of my personality. There is also the idea that I am not my mistakes. (Itās hard to write about things you donāt understand while half asleep.)
One other thing Iāve noticed about myself that has strengthened is a desire for truth and to live in the truth. This, along with insatiable curiosity and fascination with learningā¦ I donāt know my potential. Thatās just it. And it seems like I have the mindset to achieve whatever it is that my potential will allow. I donāt know what it is, but I want it.
I realized that the way to secure this new sober life from any possibility of relapse is to turn it, my life, into something I love. And then I realized that I could do more than love myself, which is what everyone talks about. I can like myself. But first I have to become someone that I like.
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