That makes sense. I’ve got no access to web on my smartphone. And my computer is whitelisted with my daughter and wife holding the password. Plus, my TV is password protected to keep me from watching TV alone.
Really good decisions for me. Haven’t felt any sense of loss from these major life changes. Having easy access to porn is a MAJOR trigger for me. I can’t resist it when it’s in front of my nose. I know others have more self control. But I don’t much of the time. I’m weak. That’s okay. I get lots of help. And when I’m going through a moment of unclarity, I’m reassured to know that I did not make it easy for my addict to get his fix.
Yes, I am finding it’s similar for me. I am experimenting with strategies here & getting a feel for what works for me in sobriety. I’m learning a bit every day.
It was a poor word choice. The thread won’t be closed. I just don’t feel any further need to share. Take care, my friend. I’ll be checking in everyday elsewhere.
Something unexpected is happening, so I’m back on this thread. It was therapeutic to put down my story here, and I will continue.
I find myself under siege. This started a day or so ago and has been coming in waves. My physiology is besieging me. It triggers erotic dreams, and those give power to the physical.
I’m sure that I haven’t done anything to cause this. I have been diligent in every way. I don’t watch movies. I don’t click on any articles that feature attractive women. I don’t even desire PMO. I don’t have any blocks on my internet. I’m only accountable to myself. But that isn’t my struggle now.
The dreams, at least so far, are not reminiscent of porn that I have viewed. I don’t recall them clearly, but I can recall dreams from my past that were much worse. Fantasies are forming in my mind more often now, the kind I am used to. But I can chase them away. I’m in control of my conscious mind.
This seems to be a physical craving that is triggering a mental response. It’s quite strong today. I really just feel it as a craving to be with a woman. Is it a healthy craving? Is it normal? It’s probably not entirely healthy. I’m sure that if I were to act on it, and find a one nighter, that would put me back at square one. I’m not ready for that yet. Besides, that isn’t the future I want.
I’m not feeling much anxiety now. But I do worry that this could get out of control. O is what I have to avoid, even if I don’t cause it. All the chemicals required for a relapse are already inside me. I already feel them. Just saying no is not sufficient.
First I’m going to have a cold shower. Then I’m going to consider whether there are any overlooked triggers. I hit a plateau, but now there is more climbing to do.
This is a normal thing at this point. The same thing happened to me at exactly the same point. It’s biological.
You may find it helpful to reflect on your long term boundaries. You have mentioned PMO (one or more of them) creates anxiety in you; it’s likely more of that would do the same. It’s also possible this is connected to deeper questions about your self-concept, though this is something only you and your therapist can unpack.
With those unresolved questions about your sense of self (who you are, the geography of your desires and your anxieties), it would be wise to get a deeper understanding of them before entering a significant committed relationship (sexual or otherwise). Also, as you noted, a one night stand would not likely help.
I wish I could give you an easy answer, but the simple fact is there isn’t one. Sex addiction is wrapped in with basic human biology. Resetting and re-arranging ourselves takes time, conscious & critical reflection, groups & communication. There will be more stumbles along the way. Each stumble is a learning opportunity. I’m wishing you good learning from this one. You’ve got this brother.
You seem to be saying that it is a normal feeling for a recovering sex addict. I’m wondering if it is normal in general for a man to feel this way. I don’t know because I’ve always been an addict.
Both are true. You’re both a man, and a recovering sex addict. That doesn’t mean it’s not possible for a man to channel that creative, connective energy into something else. Many men have done it over the years, and if they carefully attend to their emotions and thoughts (in response to their environment; and also, attending to creating an environment for celibacy), they can be celibate for a chosen period of time. Each man’s experience is different though, so you will have to meditate, be conscious & deliberate in your daily planning & your thinking, and seek connection and input from other men in your journey.
My personal goal is to be conscious and deliberate in my sexual choices. I choose to have sex with the person to whom I am married. I choose not to watch pornography or pleasure myself to fantasies. This is something I am learning to do, but I believe it is possible. It is a standard many men have held themselves to. It has to be possible. I am learning how. I know you can too. Thanks for being with me on this journey brother
I hear you, I hear - I think - your desire for serenity. But to be honest with you I don’t think it’s a phase. I think it’s part of our organic reality. By nature we grow, we create, and one of the ways we create is through sex (which is creative not only in terms of procreation, but also in terms of connection & celebration of commitment and intimacy). It might be helpful to reflect a bit on how you want to respond to these desires. You might look at SA and SLAA and reflect on how they discuss sexuality and relationships during recovery (I haven’t been to their meetings but I know second-hand there is a lot of good reflection there). Take as holistic and balanced an approach as you can, within the context of the healthy, sustainable boundaries you’ve set for yourself.
I would be very interested to hear what you learn from this brother. There is a lot I can learn from you I wish you learning and growth in this new chapter of your journey!
The cold shower seems to have broken the siege. I’m glad to have this weapon at my disposal. However, the most remarkable thing that I learned from this is that I no longer desire PMO. If I wanted that, it is just a few clicks away. I know, and my body knows that won’t satisfy me anymore. Unfortunately I have no outlet now to channel sexual energy. But that does not discourage me. I’m where I need to be. This is the right road.
This is day 28. I feel calm but empty. There is a dull persistent hunger to be with a woman. There is no desire for PMO. I lack motivation. I slept very late and did my usual exercise routine after a coffee boost. But now I just want to relax in my easy chair and zone out.
Analysis indicates that I have a real problem with doing things that don’t provide instant gratification. Exercise, sauna, cold shower… These are not easy, but the reward is instant. The things that I should do, like cleaning, house repairs, or financials, I have no motivation for. This will be my long term struggle, finding motivation to do the things that need to be done but don’t grant instant gratification.
30 days. I woke up this morning before dawn as usual with a dry mouth, took care of that, then went back to sleep. Out of nowhere comes an erotic dream. I woke myself up from it before it went too far. That was unexpected, and now I’m okay. That was only the third one in 30 days. Staying vigilant is the key. Hopefully I will always be able to wake myself up if these occur.
you’re saying “Boss of my Life” reminds me that we are the ones that manage our lives. For way too long, I allowed my addiction to run my life instead of me. So thank you.
Day 31. Real power is power over one’s self. I feel powerful for the first time maybe ever. That doesn’t mean my triggers are gone. They are just as real as ever. What has changed is my response. I reckon triggers will always be around. I reckon they always have. Triggers don’t make me an addict. It’s how I respond that determines whether I’m an addict. I’m powerful because I’m too fast for them now. I shoot them down before they have a chance, like Wyatt Earp.
The thing that struck me today was that, despite being obsessed with an issue at work and fretting over it most of the day, I didn’t feel any urge to act out. In fact I wasn’t really anxious as I would have been before. All the while, there was a counterweight that kept me from sinking. I suppose the counterweight was provided by sobriety. It’s the end of day 32, and it was another great day.
I hope it is just a phase of recovery.
I wish you learning and growth in this new chapter of your journey!
