Hey guys! Moving along in recovery again, and feeling optimistic right now.
I am, however, looking for some advice for those who might have a tip or two, though. I find that I am often stressed and depressed about my own recovery, especially after having gone a few days being clean. I truly want to rid myself from this addition, and turn this chapter in my life; the longer I go, though, the harder it gets. I fight this internal battle inside my head and can keep myself up at night a bit because of this. Does all of this sound normal, or do you think I need to get some help of some kind?
The internal dialogue is terrible. It is normal to experience it.
Therapy and that book I mentioned you should read were both helpful. I also do meditation, podcasts, books on tape, music to get out of my own head at times.
Think of ways you might try to address it on some way. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Youāve gotta want it enough to take the next step and try something new. Only you can decide what that step will be. Do the thing and youāll receive the power.
Glad to hear that this is normal. Though I wish it wasnāt a part of the problem haha
I have been trying to push though (white knuckle, as others have called it), and it hasnāt worked so far. I bought several recovery books recommended by everyone and hadnāt started any yet, so I will hit up those next.
I sometimes feel like I am not fully committed even though I truly am haha. Have anybody tried twelve step programs? I started one on my own but had no accountability and quickly stopped. I am such a computer person I sometimes wonder if an online meeting might help.
This is a site for porn addicts and Iāve known people that have had some success with it. It has a message boards and call in meetings. They do work through 12 steps. I havenāt made it a part of my program just yet. But I may if it comes to it.
I know the Church has a 12 Step Program dedicated specifically towards Pornography Addiction. Iām fairly certain that ever Stake has missionaries called that meet together on a weekly basis in meeting houses around the world. Iāve been to several of them. Went to one for 9 months, another only twice, the last maybe 8-10 times. It was always a huge help.
I hear your internal dialogue thing, as well. I think itās important to remember that once youāre addicted to a substance, itās best to assume that you are never going to not be addicted to it. That doesnt mean that you will never be free. You can. But, even after decades of sobriety, one can slip up and find themselves in the thick of addiction once again.
God may forget our sins when we repent, but we remember. Why? So that the pain of the addiction can drive us toward sobriety.
All three of you have some good tips, some of which I havenāt thought of before. Thank you for being willing to reach out and offer me a tip or two. I will try these things and get back to you sometime soon haha.
Do you ever swim anymore? Might be a good way to burn off some excess energy when youāre feeling wired or anxious. Sometimes just holding off from using and getting out of that comfortable space and doing something physical (even though you might not want to) is exactly what we need to do. Show yourself that you have the discipline it takes to get to the place you want to be. Commit to your program in the same way you would commit to training for a swim meet.
Hey guys, I think Iāll hang out in here with my fellow porn addicts. I usually just check in on the check in thread but I think I need to be here in the specific porn thread. So Iām on day 3 sober from a bit of a binge last week. It all came crashing down when I found myself making a Facebook profile just so I could search for ex girlfriends to fantasize about. Itās the lowest point I have had in a while and I really am killing my spirit.
I have made a few changes: Iām reading in my SAA basic text; the green book. I called my sponsor today after my therapy appointment and talked about my relapse.
I came clean to my roommate(who is also in my program) and asked him to put a password on my content blocker on my phone and iPad. I know that with some effort I could get around it but I had to give it a try.
I canāt keep doing this my way. I canāt rely on my willpower to get me through. Sure it gets me through sometimes, but not every time.
So if you all donāt mind, Iād like to share this space with you and talk about things that Iām struggling with or slippery thoughts that Iām having. Thanks
Thatās totally what this space is for. I feel you as well. Over the past few days, I feel like Iāve been on the boundary of dangerous materials. Too close to gateway images. It just felt wrong, even though Iād done it multiple times.
Finally came to a realization this morning at what was happening. The addiction is slowly trying to work its way back in. Need to put the kibosh on that.
Can I get a little motivation? I just binged on triggers today. Worried that its going to awaken the addict in my brain and now Iām going to have waves upon waves of cravings. Feeling frustrated.
I know, youāre totally right. Itās just difficult keeping that perspective. Iām doing okay right now. Irritated with giving in to temptation, but didnt go and binge on porn videos like I normally would have done. Not going to go down that road. I need to recenter and get my routine back. This always happens when I stop my routine.
Iāve been off my routine this week and Iām paying the price. Weather and dumb mistakes threw a wrench in things. Itās ok to wobble, just reengage and work on finding your stride again.
Haha, itās funny you say that! I am so out of shape now haha (like, our of swim shape at least). I actually am going to take my lifeguard certifications test this Saturday. I used to be certified but have let those lapse about two years ago. I really do need to get back in the pool
But I canāt tell you how hard I had to train to be prepared for a meet. I worked 5 days a week (sometimes 6 haha) for all three years of my high school. In the off season, I swum on a country team 3 times a week to keep up on everything. All this hard work led somewhereā¦and when I compare this to my attempts to become clean, I come nowhere close to working that hard. I claim (honestly, too) that I am trying so hard, but what I am lacking is the dedication and hard work (I get casual). Time for me to step up my game!
Hey, I just got on and saw your posts. I am here for you as well! I understand how the small things lead you straight for the big things; that is how is goes for me as well. You mentioned you routine; have you got back into it quite yet? Anything I can say or talk about to help?
I had quite the bindge last week as well I canāt tell you how sick I was getting. I had the worst headaches of my life, hated myself (my self esteem is already another problem without this) and watched my world fall apart more. In the end, I never found what I wanted and feel sick about myself and my choices. Regret eats at me all the time, and I never know when it is no longer healthy.
All I am trying to say is that I feel for you and am here for you. I plan to get more involved in my recovery as well. Thanks for sharing your feelings; glad to know I am not alone. Keep reaching out here, alright?
Alright! Tonight I went to a meeting and shared again about last week. It felt better. Our reading was on Step One: admitting that we are powerless over our addictive sexual behavior, that our lives had become unmanageable.
I recognized where I had been trying to control the addiction, trying to moderate. (Well Iāll just look at this soft porn, itās not bad. Iām only going to look this onceā¦ and other lies I believe)
I found one of my major stumbling blocks being that when Iām doing well, making meetings, being honest, staying away from slippery shows and websites, I attribute it all to my willpower. āLook how well Iām doing for myselfā Iāll say. āLooks like I got this handled so I donāt need to keep doing these things!ā HOW? How does that make any sense? Where is the logic in thinking, āwell doing these things sure does help, I guess Iāll stop nowā.
Thatās the insanity of the addiction.
So I attribute my success this week to,yes, getting honest with myself and others but also to a loving, caring higher power that always accepts me as I am and gives me courage to press on.
Good night yāall
I find that I am often stressed and depressed about my own recovery, especially after having gone a few days being clean. I truly want to rid myself from this addition, and turn this chapter in my life; the longer I go, though, the harder it gets. I fight this internal battle inside my head and can keep myself up at night a bit because of this. Does all of this sound normal, or do you think I need to get some help of some kind?
I canāt tell you how sick I was getting. I had the worst headaches of my life, hated myself (my self esteem is already another problem without this) and watched my world fall apart more. In the end, I never found what I wanted and feel sick about myself and my choices. Regret eats at me all the time, and I never know when it is no longer healthy.