2019 and now 2022
I still had everything but I was a mess, many times I’ve nearly lost my wife and life, now free of my burdens and messiness.
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Always shows in the eyes, well done everyone 
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This is one of my favorite threads and the motivation I needed before a girl’s night tonight. Keep those clear eyes shining all you sober beauties.
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I’ve followed this thread for ages but recently stopped in after a while and it inspired me to go back and look at some old pics while I was in my deepest depths of drink and depression. It made me cry but it also made me breathe lighter, feel a sort of weight lifted with the knowledge that I’ve come so far. My worst years were 2016-2018 and these photos are from 2017. Two selfies where I thought I looked pretty, one where I was hurting and wanted to document it. All were either actively drinking or hungover. (Edit - I uploaded the wrong photo #2, it’s corrected, though I was likely messed up in that pic too)
And this one really shows how I feel today 
From a couple weeks shy of one year.
I’m so grateful for getting the alcohol monkey off my back, for all the support here and from irl people, and for working on myself, learning about who I am today, and continuing to grow. Learning to love myself more and more.
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Here’s me in 2017. I tried to bike home after a Sunday evening bender in my former local. I don’t think people tried to stop me riding my bike but I wouldn’t have listened anyway. Just totally lost it. Not the first time this happened too.
And here’s me commuting home after a late shift less than a month ago. Admittetly I did have a spill a couple of weeks ago while commuting to work. There was a reason for it though (other than being dead drunk). Big hole in the road that I didn’t see in the dark. And no falling flat on my face. Never again.
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It really is all in the eyes, isn’t it??
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I can feel the anger in your first three drinking pics Rosa. You look peaceful and beautiful now. 
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I once took a header over a newly installed concrete planter while riding my bike very drunk. I was wearing a helmet and “woke up” lying on the pavement. Sadly, I was mostly embarrassed and worried who saw me and less worried about my precious brain.
Lets never do that again. 
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I have my share of drunken biking stories, too…Once fell over onto my husband on his bike and “taco-ed” my wheel, road rash up my leg, had to walk the rest of the way, got angry and threw a fit on the ground a couple blocks from our house and a cop car pulled up to see what was going on. So lucky we didn’t get a ticket or worse. Didn’t stop us from biking home drunk, either. Never again!
Thank you for telling me what you saw in my before pics. I instantly recognized pain and sadness but not anger - I see it now clearly and it’s helpful to me to think on that.
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I can see your peaceful soul better in your most recent picture.
I have my patio door open to the Iowa fall and could not be more grateful that I don’t have to try to manage my drunkenness anymore. Thank you for helping remind me of that.
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As do I. What a glorious day! Gratitude all around for peace and more time and attention on helpful and happy endeavors, like sitting in the sunshine.
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Oof this story gets worse the more I remember. I met a guy I had known since childhood at my house after this spill and after bar close and unsuccessfully tried to take his virginity as a way to break up with my boyfriend of 2 years at the time because I was too insecure to tell him I wanted to break up. Then I dated the bad boyfriend for another 3 years. What a mess. No thanks. I’ll stick to my coffee, boundaries and intact noggin.
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Double, triple ouch. I like our plan better.
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Now it won’t stop. The next day I called the bad boyfriend who was living long distance to tell him what I’d done in the hopes he would break up with me. Instead I was convinced to buy a $600 plane ticket to fly out and apologize and beg for our relationship.
I’m sorry I derailed this thread with my catharsis. I’m sorry for looking backward, that place is a mess and I’m sorry for the person I was. Looking forward.
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No apologies necessary, Emilie. Your story also represents transformation in your life. Just like the before pics, it is absolutely cathartic to look backward to appreciate where we have come from, recognize where we are today by comparison, and look to the future. That’s recovery.
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Every time, i noticed my own when i first stopped too
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@Faugxh , @Fargesia , @Dazercat , @Nordique : thank you, guys!
I feel great, thank you! My dysphoria is far less overwhelming, no more constant distress, I have no problem going out and being in public (well, still not fond of humans, but that won’t ever change I guess), so I feel a lot better. I’m also very active physically lately which helps extremely. My appearance still doesn’t match my age and that causes sometimes annoying, sometimes funny situations, but that will also change sooner or later I guess. All in all, I cannot tell, how liberating it feels to be a man in certain situations, how incredibly and dreadfully powerful it is when these feelings surface after decades of oppression. It’s dizzyingly beautiful to experience, really.
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I havent done a transormation pic in quite awhile… and of course facebook brings up past photos from years ago. I was really in awe and inspired by how far Ive come actually. I dont feel upset with my Before Pic (as i sometimes do) bcuz I look at where I am today!
This Before pic was 10 years ago. I was running the streets working in the sex trade, using hard drugs, shooting up just basically chasing a high, and dealing with an abusive relationship:
Today at 279 days clean and sober, my soul has returned. I cant even begin to describe how free I feel. I am not chained to addiction, to toxic relationships, to pain and suffering and despair. By the Grace of God go I 
I owe you all alot too actually. Thanks for being here! Love u guys!
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