2 months and 3 days clean of heroin! Clean of coke for about 3 (it wasn’t my drug of choice so I haven’t kept track but I need to start another timer for that.) So I’m clean and going to the clinic every day, living the normal life I’ve always wanted, got the job of my dreams and thousands of dollars in the bank with my fiance, and we started renting a house. But I cry in the shower every night and can’t sleep as I’m flooded with memories of getting high, over dosing, the sloppy arguments with my fiance as we were both trashed and how he would get violent with me… I’m flooded with memories about smoking crack with junkies and worries of contracting HIV every time we went on a bender. Before I got into dope I was innocent and niave, I had only ever smoked weed and I knew nothing of the drug life or shooting up or anything… I feel ruined. I feel dirty as if I’ve gone too far to be worthy of the life I want. I have an amazing job working with children but I think, “if anyone ever knew I was overdosing in a grocery store parking lot 6 months ago, they’d never let me near their child.” I feel ruined. Im so ashamed of myself. I know I can’t change the past and it kills me. I don’t feel like I’m the woman I used to be, or want to be.
Anyone else feel this way? How do you get past these feelings?
My response will be short. That is the addiction. Giving it a damn good shot to get you back. You deserve to be everything you want to be. You area recovering addict. If “They” dont approve, Fuck “them”.
Airica is 100 % right! Every saint was a sinner. You are a beaitiful human being, with a life time of potential ahead of you. Look forward and live that life.
Ever been Baptized? Stay with me here…I am not advocating that you march down to the local church and get dunked (unless you want to…then rock on). Baptism is a symbolic washing away of your sins. When you come out, you are clean. You are a “New You”, but that doesn’t mean “the adversary” won’t try to tempt you, or guilt you into falling back to “old you”, and you are still learning to be “New You”.
You’ve been walking the Clean and Sober Path for some months. You are learning to be the “Sober New You”, and the progress shows. Next time you get into the shower…consider yourself being Baptized in Sobriety. You ARE a NEW YOU! That water has washed away the old you, and you are CLEAN! Don’t cry. Be JOYFUL!
And each and every time “old you” tries to creep into your thoughts, tempt you and guilt you…remember, you are a NEW sober creation! Keep getting better, at getting better!
All I can tell you is that it takes a fair amount of time to adjust to your new normal. Sometimes going through the worst experiences - the ones that make you feel “dirty” and “unworthy” - allow you to truly appreciate the good things in life. But you ARE worthy. You are making positive changes and working on bettering yourself and improving your quality of life. It can be a long road but every day try to give yourself a positive pep talk. One little compliment to yourself. You need to rebuild your self esteem. One thing that I’ve learned is that happiness comes from within. Self care is so important. It’s the first step towards feeling comfortable in your own skin. Stay strong and keep turning to the forum when you need support!
My past is full of ugliness. Fights, abuse, neglect, wanton actions that hurt everyone and everything around me. They are shameful, dark and tragic in 1 light, and sharp tools for sobriety in another. I use my past to connect with people, work on my recovery and help others however I can.
That’s the person you were, not the person you’re gonna be. Accept that it has happened, history can’t be rewritten and work towards the person you wanna be.
No baby is born knowing how to walk, or talk. It’s a learned practice with lots of trial and error, lot’s of watching others who know how to do the act and actively trying to mimic it. Then it happens, we get it and it’s on to the next chapter, the next learned skill.
Keep trudging your road to happy destiny and you’ll get there 1 foot in front of the other.
I think that having the past that you have makes you MORE qualified to work with children. You know the danger, the darkness that is out there. You know how easy it is to slip into it and how hard it is to get out. You are no longer naive, you know what they need to be protected from and what they will need to be strong in the future. This is a part of your story it does not define who you are today. You show strength in all that you have overcome. As a mom, I can say that I would rather have a warrior working with my children instead of someone who thinks the world is all sunshine and daisies.
Jessica
Isaiah 1:18 “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.”
There’s always hope for a brighter tomorrow. You have infinite potential and great worth.
I have done many of the same things when getting drunk. Heck, my youngest is 8 and I have been continually secretly drunk almost daily - fighting with the wife over stupid shit. I’ve been there.
Mourn. That’s the only way I got passed it. Write it all down on paper, every detail, all the guilt, all the pain… everything. Write it all down and be angry.
Then. Go outside and burn it. Burn all of it, every last word, every last paper.
It’s done now. You have a new life. That is the past and it is over.
That’s how I moved on. Anyway, I don’t know if it will work for you but it did amazing things for me to mourn my past, burn it and move on. Hope it helps
At some point you gotta lay down those burdens and realize no one is perfect or even close. To live is to make mistakes, sometimes horrible life changing ones. And for people like us, the shame and guilt keep you cycling in addiction. Let that shit go. We cannot chamge what we have done in the past. But…each day each moment is a new beginning to live our lives with honesty, integrity, pride and yes, happiness.
You gotta let go of the shit that drags you down. Forgive yourself and move forward with a true heart.
I bet you a million dollars that every one of us that is recovering from addiction goes through this same thing. Recovery and healing takes time. At the time we did the things we are now thinking about, it was barely a blip in our brain that we were doing something awful. And the next day we’d just bury it even deeper until it was squashed down and trampled on and we thought it was gone. But it isn’t gone, and it’s going to come up because now we can fully process how dangerous and ugly it was. And our hearts still need to process it. It’s a natural progression. Let’s try not to be scared by it. We lived through it- we made It! Acknowledge it, remember to tell yourself that you did the best you could at that moment in time, and that you learned a valuable lesson that you can apply to your life now.
I have thought About doing a balloon let go ceremony and writing each thing or feeling I want to let go of, and watching it fly away , similar to what you’re talking about. Thanks!
Thank you for sharing your story! That itself takes courage and strength!
I have a bad past myself and its something I’m not proud of, that’s for sure. I did things I said I’d never ever do. But what’s done is done. I can not change it. For me, when I start beating myself up, I look at where im at today… I’m clean and sober today. Someone stated earlier it’s like a book and your starting a new chapter… have you thought about finding someone you can talk to about these things? A friend, a therapist, just someone. I found a friend I could trust to vent to. And a therapist will give you an outside perspective and help you move from the guilt and shame. It’s taken me some time to completely move forward from my past. But after a lot of talking about it and working the steps through AA, today i use my story to inspire others. The steps have really changed my life. But if i can get through this and that, so can they. And maybe one day you’ll get there too and be able to use your story to give someone else hope. We won’t regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it, that’s an AA saying. So for me I’ve done a lot of talking with a seldom few friends and a therapist to work through my past… I have a lot of trauma and just bad shit ive done and been through. I try to look at the positives though. My story will help someone else and I can honestly say, I like helping others. So of I can use the negative part of my life to help someone else move forward, that’s what I’ll do…
Also, what are you grateful for? Be grateful you made it out alive and well… maybe make a gratitude list of all or some of the things your grateful for… actually write it down!
I had and still have those feelings. At first it’s normal since you’ve been blocking your emotions with the drug but once you stop it’s like the flood gates open and your drowning in every guilty feeling you have. I remember feeling guilty for something I did in 3rd grade and obviously I wasn’t high back then but I stole money out of a few lockers and got caught and that little memory managed to creep in along with others. It’ll all get better once you make the correct steps to better your self. I use to sit in the shower and cry since it was the only place no one could see me I didn’t want to show weakness as a male but it was what made me feel better by getting it out and re examining what I wanted my life to be. Hope this helps. Stay strong
girlfriend, you are not alone. so many of us feel a very similar way. i know myself, personally, i’m haunted by my past frequently. but waking up sober, with a clear head and a healthy body, i’m able to overcome those negative thoughts. if you havent already - jump in with some of us (this months book club book) and read Recovery by Russell Brand. he has really put himself through the ringer and its such an honest, transparent account of an addict and ways to help us to move past our addictions. best of luck to you – we’re all rooting for you! 
All I can say is ALL of us here have and are probably still feeling the same way. The past is over, gone and done. You shouldn’t feel shame and guilt. You ARE a beautiful human who deserves happiness and peace. You’re sober and you’re a different person now. No matter what has been or happened is over. Learn to forgive yourself and allow yourself to LOVE yourself for who you are today! You’ve come such a long way!!! You should feel proud and encouraged! I don’t know you but I’m proud of you! There’s nothing positive which can come from dwelling in the past… thats one thing I’ve learned on my journey. Don’t listen to that negative voice in your head. You’re worthy of all the happiness this world has to offer. Continue to conquer this addiction!! You’re a warrior and continue to fight, fight, fight!!!
Your past does not define your future… one step at a time. 
Try not to be too hard on yourself. The addiction does a good job of that already. Don’t give it any more power. You be you and try to just put the past in the past (basically what everyone else said) 
Where can I find this book club page you’re talking another?? Thanks so much for your support!
hi, emily! here it is: April 2018 Book Club -Join Us!. if the link doesn’t work, search for ‘book club’ and you’ll see april book club thread come up 