Just wanted to say hello and ask how you’re doing? I’m sure you’ve been busy, just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you and hope you’re doing well 
5 Likes
Thanks for checking in, friend! Definitely keeping busy prepping for this move but today I’m exhausted. Taking an easier day and trying to get some rest…I know you know how crappy insomnia can be. Hoping for a more restful night tonight 
Hope you’re doing okay, I haven’t ready your posts recently. Sending hugs.
8 Likes
Just linking some recent posts from the check in thread here for my own purposes.
6 Likes
Another check in I want to link here.
4 Likes
Check in today is one for me to come back to as a reminder.
5 Likes
Nature can be so healing. We are privileged to live in such healing natural spaces.
Edited from ‘nature is’ to ‘can be’.
5 Likes
I’ve been considering how my participation on this forum has shifted over time and how it relates to how I am doing and what’s going on with me. It’s been an interesting topic to contemplate. Part of what sparked this was going back through this tread which started back in August of 2020! Hard to believe that it has been that long. I was coming back from a long absence that consisted of a relapse and get sober again repeated cycle all that summer. That was a shitty summer in more ways than one! For more than just me, but that’s besides the point. I was back and enthusiastic and I remember being an eager beaver posting a lot a LOT, long musing posts and responding to people a bunch. Part of that, I can see now, was driven by a lot of anxiety. I also think that I had an unconscious belief that as long as I was super active here that I could stay sober. Which isn’t wrong, per se, but I also wasn’t doing a whole lot of other recovery work. I had grand plans and made grand claims to be planning to do things that I didn’t end up following through with effectively. I would start something, like therapy, and do a few sessions, then decide to switch providers and same deal over and over and then just quit. I would start journaling and looking back on some journals I have I can see the pattern of starting to write entries and then after a couple weeks of daily work it got more and more sporadic and dropped off completely, only to start again months later, usually after a lapse or something close to it. And when I say relapse/lapse, I am including mental health related ones (depressive episodes especially). I would start working out and do well for a while but then same deal.
What I am noticing is that when I came back from a relapse, I was all gungho and ready to do all the things I had planned to do to create the ideal life that I imagined. Basically, I had this ideal of being sober, well mentally all the time, physically fit, a stellar housewife, a master gardener, in a job I love, volunteering in the community…get the picture? I have talked about my perfectionist tendencies and so when I got back on the wagon I wanted to be perfect right away and of course I got overwhelmed quickly because drinking had brought me to such a low point in having any shit together at all that I was starting from a much more meager place than I was willing to see for myself. It made for a crash and burn scenario every time, though I could limp along for a while, long periods even, before I would drink or get really depressed, like a week in bed not taking care of myself at all (bad hygiene, not eating, etc). So, that anxiety that I started out with that drove me to be a super TS member bled into these other areas as well and it wasn’t sustainable.
I also think that I didn’t equate these areas where I wanted to focus my efforts with how they would contribute to my sobriety/mental health recovery and overall wellness. I just wanted to be the best I could be and most likely for external validation. Ultimately I am that little girl who is getting the perfect grades and practicing the piano every day and volunteering and joining clubs at school who is doing it to get praised so I feel worthy. God, how that has followed me my entire life!
This isn’t the first time I have thought about this, and I have called myself a recovering perfectionist, so I have been on a journey these last couple of years trying to figure out what the balance is that works best for me. Specific to participating in TS, that has looked like taking intentional breaks (usually a week or so), and that usually includes other social media (digital detox, news detox), which has helped. But it also looks like focusing my time on here in different ways. How much I post about myself versus how much I am reading other peoples posts and responding with support or encouragement (acknowledgment, basically). How much time I spend on TS daily in general and how I organize that time - do I set a specific amount of time or time of day or do I check in on my phone throughout the day? I end up doing the latter but that can be a time suck also. Then I decided to put my name in to be a moderator and became one and that changed everything! That’s been an interesting and kind of weird transition. Ultimately, I am still a member but I feel a role shift, too. So, the time I spend needs to include moderating time and that’s an unpredicable variable.
I don’t have a clear idea of this yet, but I am using my level of personal stability and anxiety levels as a meter, to some degree. If I feel like I need to take a break, I take a break. That translates to all of the above activities I mentioned, too. If something feels like too much and like I want to just up and quit that is a red flag to take a step back and reevaluate. Another thing that I’ve decided I want to do is reframe my thinking about what I spend my time doing based on what value it has for me. Is it a passion that helps give me joy and energy for other tasks? Is it a necessary task (housework) and if so, is there any wiggle room for standards there? (does it have to be done completely at once, does it have to be “perfect” today, can my partner share in the duties?) Does it contribute to my physical wellness and am I pushing myself appropriately, or do I need to listen to my body and rest? Is it a part of a daily routine that I am working toward making a “usually-must-do” activity? I don’t know, these are some initial thoughts.
I think this all is coming out of a period of general low mood, with some fluctuations around a lower baseline than I am not comfortable with. Some of it is seasonal, and I really think some of it is about approaching my 2 year milestone. It’s fast approaching! But I have felt stuck for a long time, stuck in a status quo that is catching up all the time and existing but not thriving. Part of THAT is buying a house and moving this summer, so I have to cut myself some slack, but I am getting tired of it. So it makes sense to have these thoughts bouncing around. For today, I have a short list of tasks that include tackling one big project, getting my personal den comfortable so I have a haven to just “be” in. It’s a bit of a disaster but it looks worse than it is. I can do this, even if it takes the weekend, it’s my priority. That will offer me some mental space to do my reading, journaling, etc.
WHOA. This got long. It was a long time coming. It’s also a collection of scrambled thoughts that I have been writing down in my brief daily journaling, so it’s nice to type it out. I doubt anyone is reading, but if you have gotten this far I welcome any and all thoughts. Now to start my day.
15 Likes
I feel this so deeply! I did (do) the same things! Sharing all day, every day, joining in as much as possible, also doing all of the house work and my job and kids etc then I burn out and can’t do anything and it is a cycle for me too. I am also working on it. And I am here to say you are not alone, (it helps that I also am not alone) I am grateful for your post here.
4 Likes
Thanks for sharing!! I can definitely relate to perfectionist tendencies and to wanting to be liked. It has been a major theme for me as well, and one that had evolved over the last several years (hashtag blessed haha).
Two years was a big milestone for me and was when life shifted from the ache and determination of ‘staying sober’ to focusing on ‘recovery’ and what that meant for me (clue: holistic healing).
For me, year 2 and 3 held the big exhale from needing to work hard at ‘being sober’ to being able to relax into knowing I was comfortable in my sobriety (not complacent). YMMV
Productivity vs being also comes to mind. Something I am aware of in my life. My sobriety journey has allowed me the space to clear a lot of that mental clutter. It has been one of the real hashtag blessed gifts of this journey. Not that anxious thoughts are gone, far from it, but there is so much more space and health in my body mind and spirit to be with all those parts of my self and journey.
Edit…of course I respond with a novel
5 Likes
I read the whole thing 
I can strongly relate to the perfectionist tendencies. It’s hard for me to put a “normal” level of effort into anything. I either don’t do something or I do it 1000%. I don’t have a middle ground, and to be honest I’m not sure why I’m like that lol.
That is what caused a lot of issues with alcohol.
I try to just pace myself and remember that even if I have a bad day, and don’t get a single thing done, it’s still a good day and a step forward because I’m sober. I don’t feel like I’m in a position to give any advice because we’re all going through it together and I’m not an expert, but I feel ya
5 Likes
I’m really grateful folks read and to those who responded to my somewhat rambling post today, thank you! I see it as a word vomit that I can go back to and piece through some parts to focus on thinking/writing about more and your comments helped me gain some clarity on that path.
@Scorpn I’m so glad it resonated for you. I have to admit, you have reminded me of me at times when I have read your thread. That’s why when you wouldn’t post for a hot minute and other people were seeming a bit frantic to see you check in I was pretty sure you were taking care of business and maybe “okay” isn’t the right word, but not feeling pressure to be so present when you had other priorities. I just hoped that in that time you could find space to take care of yourself too. I see you working on that and I’m so glad, keep at it and remember to be kind to yourself, too. So important to know we aren’t ever alone.
@SassyRocks you know I love your novels! 
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I love how you mentioned the productivity versus being. I think I was trying to get there in my thinking but you helped me see it for what it really is (even though we have talked about this before, ha ha!). I think I’m still swaying to the side of productivity and want to work on that. But getting my own space to be alone-ish, a space physically means space mentally too. I’m excited to get that feeling good again (I have missed that so much during this move it kind of drives me bonkers! Well, not kind of, that is a big contributor to anxiety I’ve felt). Oh but being in nature has saved me! And thank you for sharing what your 2-3 year milestones were like for you. I can relate and see some of that going on in my world, too. Feels pretty good, hot damn!
@Nordique thank you for sharing! Man, I can so relate to the all or nothing way, and you’re absolutely right it carried over into how I ended up drinking like I did. Have to finish the bottle, have to get shitfaced and pass out there is no stopping now, take it to the limit. For too damn long. Then try to negotiate with that is a real conundrum when I’m trying to do the same hard but important work in other areas of my life. But the answer was simple - trying to moderate alcohol made trying to moderate anything else in my life IMPOSSIBLE.
That sure looks like pretty good advice to me! From experience, no less! 
Thank you guys. I appreciate you.
5 Likes
I lost regular status again because I wasn’t active enough. I have been working crazy hours and then I got pneumonia… but a lot of things Id rather not put on the public threads…so I’ve just been doing the best I can and soon I’ll be back on my thread
I’m trying. It’s hard. I’m not used to making myself a priority… but all we can do is the best we can right.
4 Likes
Ah gotcha. But I think it was a while back before that happened since I really haven’t been on your thread in a long time (sorry!) Smart to not post your sensitive stuff on the public threads.
Keep trying, it definitely takes practice and some days there is more space to do so than others.
4 Likes
Just dropping this here.
6 Likes
3 Likes
Congratulations Rosa!!! Two years is big and wow, that’s a lot of positive change!! So very happy for you!!! 
2 Likes
Rosa, you’ve been an inspiration to me from day one on! I always admire the way you own all your feelings and emotions, the good days and the bad. I am super happy for you and your 2 years of sobriety 
3 Likes
I dont know you but i feel for you. I struggle with the same things myself. Ive been lookin more into this forum and stuff and it seems to be pretty awesome. I looked at your post because you share the same name as one of my best friends. And i felt the need to see what you had to say. I hope that your fur baby makes a good recovery 
. Look at it like this at least you and a family member can hopefully do some recovery together. Idk why but that feels very comforting to me. I hope you find some comfort in that thought too. Wishing you the best.
2 Likes