This is the take away, for me. Not that I’m minimizing the scare it was for you, or your awareness now that you need to be more vigilant or double down on the efforts, but please - take this away. You did this.
Thank you for sharing this. Like @Dan531 when he opened the fridge at his daughter’s and stared all those drinks in the face and then dumped them out - these stories make us all stronger.
You’re doing more than existing. You’re living. Living pretty large into your sober life, I’d say. I’m proud of you too.
Rosa, I think you did exactly what you (we/all) need to do when temptation arises.
You almost got in your own way, but yet, in the moment, turned inward and used the tools you had. I’m happy to hear you are proud of yourself because you SHOULD BE.
This, and everything you wrote after it- I could have written myself. In fact, I did write this myself, more or less in my own journal. I also started therapy again this past Monday. It was our first session after a couple years. He asked me what I want out of therapy. I was like… uh… inner peace???
It’s a difficult question. But like yourself, there are deep traumas that have never been dealt with, and those are the most challenging things to speak about. And most likely the biggest cause of continuously abusing things as a means of escaping the memories that haunt us.
I obviously don’t know what your past looks like, but I completely understand your words. They are very much like my own.
My counselor’s homework for me was to find a “beginning.”
When did it start to go wrong?
What was the first terrifying/traumatic thing?
Looking back, there was something(s) that couldn’t be processed. Something that felt wrong or neglected or scary, and no one there to ask how it felt.
So what do we do? Find something that feels like anything than how we feel in that moment.
It amazes me the things that can creep up on us as adults. My counselor wants to do some EMDR on me, and I have an idea of what this entails, but am going to research it further before our next session.
Generally finding an internal “safe place” to share and open your past traumas.
I hope to keep hearing your thought process during this. Something in you is evolving and it really is a beautiful thing. Trust the process, you are doing just fine, my friend.
I’m here if you’d like to talk therapy things. And plants. And dogs.
Lol
Well, howdy Rosa! You know, the mind is a powerful, funny thing. I’ve seen something similar to this frequently enough in my time of being sober that I consider it an expected, or normal happening.
As people prepare themselves for doing step work, and more so when preparing to do a specific step, (in fact even just before a sobriety anniversary as well) they will reflexively withdraw back into addict thinking. What you demonstrated today is that thoughts are not facts (nor are feelings), and that we can develop the power to surf over the thoughts and give enough time for healthy reactions to take the place of sick, suffering, thinking.
Sometimes, I think sobriety is like the stock market - it trends upward in general over long periods of time, but is beset by sometimes violent shudders and shakes. But despite all the moaning and wailing and gnashing of teeth, very rarely does the bottom truly fall out. You’ve had days when you felt great, secure in your recovery no matter what was going on. And days when it all seems too much and you lose your focus on gratitude and on the true value of sobriety.
I’m glad you talked yourself off this particular ledge and that you are taking concrete and positive steps to get better, instead of merely wishing it were so. You are one strong chica, and I admire you.
When reading this, it reminded me exactly of last June or so. I was in such a deep hole, I said, screw it, I will drink, I want to drink, Now. No excuse, now, no one will no, as I live alone. I got to the next gas station open on Sunday (well, we are in Germany) and am standing in front of all these bottles of wine, unable to grab one. Just literally unable to move my arm. I was fucking scared. I left, told no one, maybe here but I am not sure). This happened once again short after in another grocery store where I managed to grab a bottle and walked like a chicken through the aisles, thinking and thinking. I put it back somewhere. Now, it reminded me that sobriety is really something precious that I should never take for granted. When I now think of buying a bottle of wine FOR someone else there would be no fear, the mindset is completely different.
I think its par for the course. My inner alcoholic loves to play the nobody will know card.
Myy inner alcoholic loves the destroy everything card too. That usually how my cravings go. one extreme to the other. No in between. Its either fuck everything and drink until everything burns down, or lets just have a beer one little innocent, harmless, delicious beer. Nobody will know.
Ususally when life is being difficult, old destructive alcoholic thinking likes to show up. That ones easier to see and redirect. Its the innocent alcoholic thinking that is more dangerous.
“one wont hurt”, “you had a great day, lets celebrate” Everyone drinks" “nobody will know”.
The funniest thing about the “nobody will know” card is that I really dont answer to anyone. except me. I will know!
I share when I scare myself. It takes the power away. Im sure you relate. Good work!
Looking back on my previous long term sobriety, I would crave a drinks, and follow it with "that sounds great! Except I dont drink. I’ve been doing that again when it happens.
@Misokatsu@Alisa@Dazercat@Jennajen@Dan531@M-be-free49@Lisa07@stop.the.ride@SinceIAwoke@JasonFisher
You all are amazing humans and I feel privileged to be in your company. I am so grateful for your willingness to respond with such kindness and generosity. I’m almost speechless (almost ) and I’ll take time later today to respond to each of you because you’ve given me some serious gifts of insight and inquiry. Lots to consider and digest, so I need to mull things over and get back to each of you. It is going to be a really good exercise for me to take your words and spend some time journaling on your ideas. Wow. Just amazed. So much love in this community. Thank you. I feel bolstered in my recovery. I have to tell you, I slept so hard last night, it was like a weight was lifted and I could truly rest, and then I woke up to these gifts! I’m not being facetious at all. I’m a lucky Rosa to have you as sober pals.
If you or anyone else think of something else you want to say or suggest, please don’t hesitate to respond again, or shoot me a private message. Gracias amigos.
For met that’s it. Says it all. As long as we keep that in mind we will not fail. I think of drinking at times, and not even that seldom. And I know how incredibly easy it is to do it. The grocery and the off license are less than a 5 minutes walk away from my place. And there’s nobody there like @anon60334405’s dealer. And I have no one around that would stop me. Nobody’s going to stop me, but me myself.
It’s all bloody fragile. It’s all such a lot of work. Drinking would be so easy. Then again, I love the work I’m able to do now I’m sober. I love I’m beginning to see and feel real changes in myself. I couldn’t do the work if I was drinking. I am absolutely certain just one would be the end of me. So yes, just like you, I want to be sober! And actually realizing how fragile and easily lost it all could be, makes me extra alert. I’m so happy you came through Rosa. This is the only life we have I think so we better make the best of it. You are. Big hugs. X
Love you, amigo. Thank you for responding so genuinely (as always) and for helping me with that embracing of love for sobriety. I believe that by continuing to learn to love myself I will continue to love being sober. Sober is the only way I can love myself. And that is worth fighting for.
The beautiful woman you are and the strength you’re building is what’s worth fighting for. The thoughts are going to come and go but how you act on them is what’s important. Your self awareness stopped your actions because deep down I believe you’re falling in love with the new you.
What a great share.
Part of what drives me insane about alcoholism is the availability of the DOC. It’s everywhere and I’m always aware of the alcohole-iles in the grocery store. Therefore we are in dire need of the right tools, for situations just like this.
You took a step back and used them. Also, you rexognized that there is more to uncover and took steps to deal with that.
So proud of you Rosa!!! Also glad everything is ok with Lupe.
You made me cry, Michelle! Happy tears, because you’re so right and I hadn’t thought of it that way. I am absolutely going to journal about that so I can continue that thought process. I am falling back in love with myself again.
Right!?! It’s really pretty awful. I think the first thing that needs to go is alcohol advertisements. It’s like, people are addicted to this stuff, how much advertising do you need? I mean I get that it’s a product market with high competition, but it just irks me to see the ads everywhere.
I’m really glad you got something from my share and I appreciate what you said so much. And the Lupe mention! I’ll tell her you said so. I will definitely be keeping you all posted on her condition. So far it seems like a round of antibiotics is actually having an effect so it could have been an infection of some sort.
I agree on the advertisment!
I’m a huge dog lover who does a lot of nightshifts. While I won’t be able to have a dog of my own for a long time, I just enjoy other peoples dogs say Lupe I said Hi and I hope she’s feeling better soon!
Geez, can you even imagine if there were advertisements on other addictive substances?
And here we are, 2021, people arguing in Washington over whether or not certain hard drugs should be decriminalized. Sure, go ahead, tell people it’s ok to keep doing it. No serious consequences- you know, other than DEATH.
What’s next?
Sorry, I’m not trying to start any debate (God forbid) but as far as alcohol goes, the notion that something so addictive is now able to be delivered straight to people’s doorsteps, the fact that people can now get TO-GO cocktails is blowing my fucking mind.
I have my own thoughts on the drug stuff, however, I’ve read some things about how the alcohol industry has really thrived during the pandemic due to those kinds of rules being loosened. When I was buying alcohol last summer for curbside pick up I never once got carded. Now, I know I don’t look underage but if it was in the store it was a mandatory thing. And don’t get me started on the to-go booze…wtaf?! I used to gripe when we went down south to visit family and there were dry counties where no alcohol was sold, you can’t buy it on Sundays, etc. Now it doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. I think there is enabling on a personal level and then enabling on a policy/societal level. But as someone who has studied policy and government, I know how nuanced and complex this really is. Would different laws keep people from becoming alcoholics? I don’t think so. If anything, prohibition spurs on the illegal distribution of a substance and just makes things worse. So now we have the debate of personal responsibility vs. societal influence and down the rabbit hole we go! Anyway, Jen, thanks for sparking a Sunday morning Rosa ramble. I needed that
Soooooo much here! From Rosa’s first post, to the amazing responses. This thread is a keeper.
In response to one of the more recent thoughts…advertising. They got rid of tobacco commercial when the public became aware of the dangers of smoking. I say “public became aware” because the tobacco giants knew. They were the ones adding extra death chemical in, after all. Although I believe in personal responsibility when it comes to smoking, drinking, etc. I am fully in favor of removing/reducing alcohol advertising because of our children. Ahhh…the glamorizing!! How this removal/reduction would look? I have no idea. Personally I would love to see it gone because it still gets to me. Makes me resent that I can’t drink normally. But…that’s part of my journey!
Yikes. More than I intended to say. Sorry if this is considered hijacking from the original topic.
This is the take away, for me. Not that I’m minimizing the scare it was for you, or your awareness now that you need to be more vigilant or double down on the efforts, but please - take this away. You did this.
) and I’ll take time later today to respond to each of you because you’ve given me some serious gifts of insight and inquiry. Lots to consider and digest, so I need to mull things over and get back to each of you. It is going to be a really good exercise for me to take your words and spend some time journaling on your ideas. Wow. Just amazed. So much love in this community. Thank you. I feel bolstered in my recovery. I have to tell you, I slept so hard last night, it was like a weight was lifted and I could truly rest, and then I woke up to these gifts! I’m not being facetious at all. I’m a lucky Rosa to have you as sober pals.
hey, anytime- glad I could help lol