Me too, friend. Me too.
@Mbwoman Thank you for contributing and I really hope you got something beneficial from reading my thread. That’s part of my hope for putting it out there.
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Just gonna put this check-in here, since this ramble turned into something I want to be able to find easily 
Day 235: It’s a beautiful morning and a lovely day to be alive and sober. At almost 8 months I feel like I’ve turned a corner on some things that were holding me back in my recovery. Therapy is going well, with a focus on shame and regret; starting work on 12-steps and connecting to other addicts has been more than helpful.
I’ve talked about the idea of living wholeheartedly, a concept borrowed from Brené Brown’s work, and I have tried my best to approach recovery work within the same framework. It’s about courage, compassion and connection - the courage to be imperfect, the compassion to be kind to myself first, and then to others, and connection to others as a result of authenticity, or being myself as best and honestly as I can. Part of this is letting go of who I think I “should” be in order to be who I really am. It all comes from a willingness to be vulnerable. I have spent what feels like a lifetime (maybe it is?) trying to be who I “should” be, with no idea what that really means. Part of my recovery from alcohol use is rediscovering, or maybe in this case discovering in the first place, who I am, what is important to me, and what I want to contribute to the world around me in this one life that I am gifted. I’m not the first person to say this, but therapy is helping me understand why I drank in the first place, and this inquiry is proving to be important to understanding who I am, strangely enough.
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Hi Rosa. This all sounds very interesting. Can you share how you’re doing this? Is it step work and therapy? Are you reading any books or using workbooks?
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I’m doing step work with an AA sponsor and therapy is separate, concurrent methods with very different approaches. I find I have to sort of put on a different “thinking cap” for lack of a better term when focusing on one or the other. Both are new to me (just a few weeks in) and both seem to be helping in different ways. AA steps are pretty regimented and established methods, while the therapist I’m working with is fairly laid back and it’s partly talk therapy and partly some reading and journaling exercises. I was doing the therapy type work on my own, in a way, by reading some self help books and journaling prior to starting therapy, but I’m finding it really helpful to have a professional to validate my thinking or help me clarify or dig deeper in certain areas. I also have started talking to my therapist about the step work I’m doing, but I just started that this week, so I don’t know how much overlap there will be.
I’m reading the big book, some worksheets from my therapist, but like I said it’s still pretty new so I may get into workbooks, but have not yet.
I hope this answers your questions.
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Yes, thank you so much for sharing. This was very helpful. Good luck on your journey!
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Thanks very much! I’m curious, if you don’t mind my asking, if there was something in particular you were curious about? Was it the materials specifically?
I started step work a while back but I put it on pause. I’ve been thinking about going back to it. But I want to explore all avenues. A combination step work and therapy sounds like a good approach. Thanks for sharing what’s working for you. You’ve motivated me to start thinking about it again.
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Addicts helping addicts.
Thats what its all about.
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Therapy helped me tremendously.
A sponsor is good. They can relate to your alcoholism like no other. Guide you through the steps.
Therapy is where I was able to dig deep. go way back. I liked that I knew anything I said to my therapist was guaranteed not to leave. I made her earn my trust before I really opened up.
She was good, we tackled my core issues in about a year. She wasn’t into milking people out forever and we both agreed I was done. She retired since, its was a long time ago. I thought maybe she could help me again. but Its still the same tools. I remember more of them the further I get from my last drink. I had been sober for about six years when I started seeing her.
Sometimes we out grow sponsors. I did when I was sober for a long time. a couple of sponsors let me down and I’ve had much better recovery mentors who were never officially my sponsor.
I had a sponsor last summer when I was in SLC reconnecting with my kids. dealing with my toxic ex. I was way out of my comfort zone. Meetings were open, and I met him. He helped me. We did step work, went to meetings, and he was picking up on a girl with 60 days, and was all distraught when she blew him off. I didn’t like that and he was disqualified from being my sponsor.
He did help me. The work we did together was good.
I still haven’t found a qualified sponsor. I’ve been solo. If meetings open up here, maybe that will change. I’m open to having a sponsor.
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Holy moly, it just dawned on me that my wedding anniversary is tomorrow (14 years) and we have never celebrated it without the booze flowing. Quite possibly a milestone that was lurking in the background because we don’t have a plan for marking the occasion. I’ll definitely be talking to Eric about this tonight because I need a plan. Lots we could do - I think I mentioned putting our container garden together, but we haven’t done any work on that. Guess I know what I’m doing this weekend! And it will be really therapeutic to get my hands in some soil. Deep breaths. This snuck up on me.
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Congratulations! I think it being the first one sans booze will make it extra special!
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Thank you, Flo! I agree.
No matter what you plan, this anniversary will be special. Congratulations on your 14 years together. May this year be filled with love and laughter 
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Hey Rosa I’m just getting caught up on some threads and wanted to say happy anniversary!! 
I hope it’s a great one.
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Happy Anniversary Rosa! Hope you and Eric have a great time planting in your garden. 
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Well, shit. Why am I so anxious about my parents visiting? And going down to visit family?!? Sigh. I’m sure once they get here I will feel so much better. But I’m feeling melancholy and doing laundry late and not sure why I feel this way. Ah, well, sit with the feelings.
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I’m a little late seeing your post so I apologize for that but I always get extremely anxious about things that involve any type of change. Social events that are outside of my normal daily routine are one of them…could that maybe be part of the reason?
I get that way even when it’s something I’m looking forward too and know that I’ll enjoy, I just can’t stop myself from getting anxiety about it even when I can’t figure out what is causing the feelings.
I hope you’re already feeling better!
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Hi sweet friend. I hope that today you are feeling a little brighter and are excited to share all the new parts you have discovered of yourself with your family.
Don’t forget to breathe.
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@Nordique and @Its_me_Stella thank you, friends. I am just trying to breathe and wrap up what cleaning I can do. I will feel better when they get here. Probably 4 hrs from now! Ack!
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{ I’m sad. And I don’t know why. I’m living the dream, back with my family after a year and a half or even more time apart. I have had wonderful times with everyone, but at the end of the day when I am by myself I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. Like I missed out on so much. But that’s not even it! I have no reason to feel this way, and I have support all around me. I feel like a failure in so many ways. I didn’t follow the path that I think my parents wanted for me. I didn’t have children right away. I don’t know. I’m making assumptions again and I want to feel grateful and am having a hard time of it tonight. }
I’m posting this now because I didn’t before. I was just now about to write something and this draft was here. I had forgotten all about it. It’s a snapshot of how emotions can really get the better of us. I really was contemplating drinking when I wrote this. But I stayed sober. Writing out my thoughts has been the best sobriety tool for me thus far. Time to get back to my journal.
Edit to say I wrote this back in May when I was visiting family after not seeing them for a long time due to the pandemic.
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