So lovely. We got a couple signals that let us know he’s okay now and I am content living with that “maybe.” Lupe is better today, and we’ll all be okay, too.
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Very interesting! Thanks for all the suggestions. We did some research, also, and it lines up to what you’ve mentioned. It seems like now that she’s eating her regular meals her energy is up and is overall doing better. She responds well to play and is our shadow following us around the house again and watching out the window (her normal behavior) and not moping as much. Today is better and I’m happy with that.
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Whelp. Been updating a lot about where things are with me and my grief process on other threads, but I want to get to a more involved dive into it here at some point. Probably not tonight, since I’m on night three of little to no sleep so I better focus on that. But something happened today for the first time. When I leave my bathroom I have a direct visual line to the end of my bed in the adjacent room and I instinctively looked there at Chucho’s spot where he always slept with us and napped during the day, and as soon as I glanced over I knew I was actually looking for him there. That muscle memory, action I made so many times…and it brought some tears. I haven’t cried much since after the first week or so when it was, well, a lot of crying. But this cry felt different. And I instantly told my husband what happened and we kind of shared that moment of loss together. It felt healthfully sad, if that makes sense. And the moment and Chucho were on my the rest of the day.
Sleep happened tonight for about a half hour and it was instant heavy anxiety doom dreams. This sometimes happens when I haven’t slept in a while because my mind and body are on overdrive. So I’m gonna try a meditation and some tea and hope the next try is better. 
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Hope you get some good rest soon. Let the tears flow when they come girl. You are doing amazing at feeling the feelings. The feelings may suck but I’m so proud of you.
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I’m so sorry you are going through this, really kicked me in the feels,
I lost my pup a little over a year ago and she was like having another child, I think it made it worse for me, when I knew. The last few days she would just cuddle up to me knowing her time was due, and was just like dont let me go.
I was incredibly angry when she passed, I still had to go to work, that day, I didn’t process any of it for about 2 days. Our favorite pastime was pizza a friend of mine owned a shop and if I would go and help out for the night I always brought home a pizza, we would sit on the couch watching sports center or something and eat pizza. I walked in the door and said my usual doggo doggo doggo, she was almost always on the couch waiting for me. And this time she wasn’t thats when It hit me, I gave my pizza fo the neighbor and cried my face off to her. It really hit me then. Getting her ashes back gave me alot of closure, as well as looking at all the goofy ass photos and snapchats I had with her,
I miss her alot, it just reminds me how having dogs are better than having people most days, cause they don’t give up on you.
I do hope you can find your closure and happiness Rosa, its hard and I’m a dude sharing a story about this. So much for masculinity, but I know your dear Chucho would want to see you happy, and be grateful for the time you had with him, cause he got to live his best life with you
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I had a long talk with my husband about my journey to becoming a better me. It was a healthy exchange of perspectives, he did a lot of listening, but it was also good to hear what his side of things sounded like. We talked about the period a couple summers ago when I was deepest in depression, he said he would see me maybe once a week out of bed for a few hours and then that’s it for the week, week after week, and I explained that’s when I was so deeply depressed and so scared to die, deciding did I want to live? Knowing that to be asking myself that question meant something was really wrong and not knowing what to do with that. He didn’t know. And he didn’t know how to help other than just be there and not give up. And I wasn’t even drinking then, that started when the clouds started to part a bit and I thought I could drink “normally” to be a part of the world again. Of course that didn’t work.
We talked about how much progress has been made, I’ve made. We got into a discussion of how our brains work, some left brain right brain comparisons. We are both pretty balanced, but what’s hard is keep both sides grounded. I talked about being a big ideas person, with pretty good analytical skills, but if I don’t use them deliberately nothing ever happens, better said, I never do anything. I don’t take concrete steps to put action into motion about my big ideas. And then I get frustrated when nothing happens! “Why oh why is my life shit right now” thoughts. He says it’s been in the last year, and I say it’s been in the last six months, whatever, that there has been a change from “stuck” Rosa to “peeling gum off the bottom of my shoes” Rosa. I’m making it possible for my feet to move again, and have put some serious work into building a healthy foundation in a healthier mind-body-spirit so that I can reach “critical mass” (his words) and be able to take bigger steps, a frog hop here and there, maybe? Getting that base solid to build from. He’s seeing it and I’m feeling it. And it’s hopeful. This has been a lot of generic metaphors and nonsense, but our conversation was more picking up on the specifics of what he sees and what I see and feel and making the connections. It was groovy.
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I’m so happy that your hubby was able to express the progress he sees and you can feel it. Each sober day you put behind you is growth and it’s time for you to bloom my girl. You’ve been doing amazing and you’ve got this. And here I am on the sidelines cheering you on 
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Thank you! Much love, Michelle!
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Needed to find somewhere to stick this quote:
“This being human is a guest house. Every morning is a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor…Welcome and entertain them all. Treat each guest honorably. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”
― Rumi
My head heart spirit needed to read this today. I have written lots of times about wanting to embrace all of this human experience, learn to live with it and through it rather than flee or hide from it. I think I need to embroider this quote for my wall or do some calligraphy…I want to be able to look at this the next time I am struggling with an emotional challenge. It really makes my chest feel lighter reading it, and hope it can help someone else, too
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Another powerful quote, this time from Alice Walker. I’m gaining a whole lot of perspective from the words of others these days.
"Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before.
Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening. Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed." —Alice Walker, Living by the Word.
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Reflecting on the quote from Alice Walker, I do see how I haven’t always recognized periods of growth while I was experiencing them. Facebook reminded me today that 4 years ago today we were in the middle of our drive across the country to relocate after 9+ years in our adoptive hometown of Tucson, AZ. We had moved there from Michigan, where we both grew up, and while my husband had lived all over the US and was used to a more nomadic lifestyle, this was my first big move away from my family other than leaving home to go to college less than a 2 hr drive from home. I think the move to AZ, no, I KNOW that move was the beginning of a lot of my issues with anxiety, depression, and using alcohol to cope. Hindsight being 20/20, I might have anticipated that the move away from my new hometown to a new community where I yet again was pulling up roots and settling somewhere with no support system in place would be triggering for me. And that I only needed to look back to learn some lessons and do things differently this time around. But I was already in a low low place, deeply depressed and barely able to function through the anxiety, drinking heavily and just not in a good place. It was a time when I was first seriously considering how alcohol and me didn’t mix anymore (well, it hadn’t for quite some time, but…yeah.) and was having thoughts of quitting for the first time. The thought terrified me. Anyway, I can look back now, particularly at the last 4 years, and see so much growth, even when I didn’t recognize it while I was in it. I did learn from that move, and when we decided to move again less than two years later, I was determined to make this fresh start different. I made great strides to break out of my isolation, went out to learn about my new community, started to make some connections with community leaders in an attempt to get involved in efforts that I am passionate about. Can you guess what derailed me? YUP. Drinking. I didn’t stop, and I was plagued by the same old imposter syndrome, insecurity and poisonous thoughts stemming directly from the poison I was ingesting. What a shame. But! I was still growing! I didn’t see it, I was starting to confront the denial I had lived in for so long, and my thoughts went more and more to “I can’t do this anymore.” And although I seem to do most things the hard way and it takes me several attempts to make change, I finally got there. The whole quote above resonated and comforted me, but that final line was like little lightening bolts in my brain: “for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.” I truly feel this now. And I am pretty stoked!
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And just for my own benefit, here are a couple photos of the four of us on our way across the SW, plains and Midwest USA. I believe we were near Albuquerque, NM. Those pups did such a great job on that drive! Heart pangs for my baby Chucho. 🥲
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was having thoughts of quitting for the first time. The thought terrified me.
That is soooo strange when I think about it now. I had these thoughts and feelings for so many years, battling and discussing it over and over. Never finding a good time point when I could stop drinking. Marriages, birthday parties, holidays, summer, Christmas, Easter, Carneval. I was so scared to be threatened by not being allowed to drink anymore. How I got hold of that click is still the biggest miracle I can remember besides of course life in general.
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There are so many instances where kind people have shown up in my life and I am so grateful. I hope I’ve been so for others. I do try to show kindness in my life.
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True and the kind people are even in the majority if I acknowledge positivity. Goodnight, Rosa 
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Yikes. Have had some big thoughts in the last couple days. I am going to write about it here as a journal entry rather than a check in because, guys, this is gonna be a long one.
I almost, intentionally, deliberately, bought alcohol yesterday with a plan to drink it in secret.
This is different from the recent event where I was in “zombie mode” while grocery shopping where I sort of reflexively bought the mini boxes of wine and hid them in my closet. That was an old habit and I just did it, maybe kind of like a “fuck it” but not exactly, hard to explain. When I got home I was like “what the fuck did I just do?” and I called my sober friend (who is my temporary sponsor now) and told her and she helped me to tell my husband and we poured it out. There was all sorts of beer in the house that I could have easily drunk (and beer I used to like even) that had not tempted me at all, so it was a different sort of behavior.
ANYWAY…so here’s what’s been going on. If you don’t know about what happened with my dog Chucho who passed away, you can read around here and find out pretty easily, but long story short is he died from congestive heart failure in a very traumatic way after a several months of caring for him. One of the first symptoms we noticed with a dry cough, that we didn’t really think too much about until he started passing out. That’s when he got diagnosed. Miss Lupe is my other dog, about 6 months younger at 9ish yo now. Starting sometime in December we noticed that when she plays with her stuffies she sometimes gets fuzz in her mouth and will gag/cough to get it out. Normal behavior. Then after Chucho died, she started doing it more frequently even when there was no stuffie involved, just vigorous playing. After awhile she would have to stop, start dry cough/gag almost like she was trying to cough something up or clear her throat. At some point it triggered the memory of Chucho’s cough and I go more and more concerned, thinking, “Oh my god, what if she has the same condition, wait no, that’s highly unlikely, she is super healthy otherwise,” just ruminating and doubting until it just kept on progressing. FINALLY, I decide to just take her in. My vet is really wonderful and understands what we’re dealing with in terms of some PTSD type feelings. She got X-rays and examined and her heart and lungs are fine. She may have a condition with her trachea collapsing, but that is not necessarily life threatening and we have a exploratory treatment plan in place for her. According to the vet she’s is super health otherwise.
SIGH. So, I get her home, I have to go run other errands including go to the drug store to pick up my medication and I am heading there already thinking about the beer and liquor aisle that I usually walk down to get to the pharmacy (why oh why is there alcohol in the same place as a pharmacy boggles the mind, but that’s another story). As soon as that thought is in my mind it builds and builds and I’m in that mode of self-talk, doubting my sobriety, romanticizing drinking, thinking about what I would choose if I was going to choose something, shitting on myself for even thinking about it, shaming myself instead of using healthy redirection like I’ve been practicing, I mean I was down the rabbit hole. I get there and I have decided I am going to get something. Something small, just a taste, and my husband won’t have to know and that will be that. I get there and walk by, linger, decide to go get my prescription first, then come back, stand there and am deciding what I want. Then, I remember what another member has said here about wanting to want to be sober. Questioning their desire to be sober after having slipped and had a few drinks. Wanting to have the will to be sober. It just sort of flipped a switch, made me start to get my head straight…saying to myself, “Do I really want to be sober? Why do I want to drink right now? It’s the damn stress of the dog and vet stuff. But one little can isn’t going to hurt, really. But do I really want to be sober?” I went through my pros and cons list in my head. I have been reading posts here lately with people in misery talking about why they joined and they are new in sobriety going through withdrawals, or other people who have had a relapse recently, and I think about my prior relapses. It always starts with just one. I then had this really strong sensation, not just an emotion, but visceral, from my gut to my chest, to my face getting hot. YES DAMNIT I WANT TO BE SOBER! What the hell am I doing here? I have worked so hard to get to 227 days after so many false starts. Why do I want to be sober? Because I don’t want to be miserable, sick, a liar, a shadow of a person, in bed all day hiding from life. I want to live. Not just exist. I want to live.
Okay my hands are shaking and it’s getting hard to type right now, but that’s my story. I don’t regret any of what happened. I realize I want this so bad I am willing to work my ass off for it and clearly I am not doing enough. This also came at the same time as I am getting prepared to start working the steps of AA, I have a sponsor, I had a meeting set with my therapist, I was already getting more serious with my recovery work and I am curious if that might have had something to do with this experience? I would love to hear y’alls thoughts on any or all of this. It takes a lot for me to tell this story so honestly but it is of vital importance that I do, I know that. I came so fucking close to a relapse, and it scared the shit out of me. However, I had some tools and I used them and they worked, even in a situation that near to the big mistake. That makes me pretty proud, I have to say. And I feel stronger for it, more dedicated, knowing that the next time something like this comes up I will have this experience to lean on and remember.
I brought this up with my therapist today. I thought about it all last night and got up early to jot some notes down before the meeting. The question in my mind had always been, “What do I want from therapy?” Suddenly it became abundantly clear that I want to understand why I drink (drank). That’s the main point with a ton of different subsets like, how is my past, including trauma history, contributing to my draw toward alcohol? Trust me, I have thought about this endlessly, but not with a professional. I think this is going to be so helpful for me. I realize part of this is I thought I could quit on my own. Yeah, I have TS and I have been building sober relationships and doing recovery work, but no, I really need to lean into this. Do the steps. Get more serious about therapy. Get my daily routine down. Take better care of myself. You know the drill.
If you go to the end of my novella, I appreciate you so much. It felt good to get this out. I want to hear all the things. Whatever you have to say about this will inevitably help me process this experience. I love being here, as much as it makes me want to pull my hair out sometimes (I’m working on that), I value the thoughts, opinions, and information from my fellow alcoholics/addicts/questioning abstinence folks/whatever.
Big big breath. Time to go put my clammy cold hands in some warm water and meditate for a while. Sending some post-wobbly but still sober love your way, amigos.
P.S. I cranked this out, there will no doubt be typos. Sorry not sorry.
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Life in sobriety does sometimes throw u these triggers, and that is when we really have to have a talk to ourself about what we want. This is when we do our greatest sobriety work. When all the other things we do, and the tools we prepare come into play. And u did it! I am proud of u! But also, yes, time to double down on the things that are keeping u sober. I don’t mean this as a platitude, but I really believe u got this.
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Great great share Rosa. I’m happy you put that all out here. I wish I could give you some advice or an opinion. It sounds like you got some real urges and you kicked them to the ground. It also sounds like it was a close fight. But you ultimately won. And you are worried you might not be so lucky next time. And you learned something. Getting more support and help in your journey sounds like a great plan. I hope and pray you will continue to realize how bad you want sobriety and keep on working it. I wish I had more for ya. Keep working it because you’re so worth it. And we all need sober Rosa in our lives for the incredible support you give us along with your determination to stay in the game and fight for your sobriety.
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That’s quoting you from August 2020.
You have lots of tools in your toolkit and you’ve
Reached for them and they’ve pulled you through.
You beat the addiction this time.
Thank goodness!
You want to be sober. You know that.
The bandaid, or perceived bandaids, bc it really is anything but, is really not acceptable to you.
You want to be sober.
You can’t have any alcohol. No will always be the answer.
What can you do?
If the pharmacy has a drive through, consider using it.
Stay close to all your groups, the therapist, your husband.
Think about coming here and posting when you get the idea to drink, to help you go down that aisle ( metaphor) alcohol free, and keep you away from the rabbit holes.
Practice your breathing up there in the top paragraph.
Say No.
Consider the Tara Brach Compassion “class” beginning on Monday.
It looks good for taking care of our selves. I want to take it. Search it in TS search bar.
@siand posted it two weeks or so ago.
Take care and know you won.
You are here and you are sober.
Keep your tool kit stocked up.
Screen shot stuff that will help and empower you and put in your kit.
You don’t have to have all the answers, you just have to not drink.
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That is a great share Rosa. In my opinion you’re don’t what your need to do, doubling down on your sobriety and working it harder. Yes you had a very close call but guess what??? You handled it well. We will all have close calls at some point, that’s what we amass our tool collection for. Be proud of yourself.
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