I couldn’t think where to put this so I’ll just leave it here. Tomorrow I’ll be 43 years old, which is the age my dad was when he died (alcohol related illness).
I thought it might bring up some existential wobbles but it’s now sending a shiver down my spine (especially now I’ve got my brilliant little girl to look after) and the kitchen clock I can hear is sounding very loud indeed. I’ve always hated birthdays as I don’t like fuss or attention but this one is really giving me the heebie-jeebies. Has anyone else felt like this? On a positive note, I’m 4.3 years dry with no plans to stop stopping
Hey friend - happy early Birthday. I am so sorry for the memories this particular day is bringing up. You are doing amazingly well with 4.3 years of sobriety.
I do hope you have someone in real life to discuss all these heebie-jeebie emotions. We are around if you need a shoulder to lean on.
Wishing you the best on your birthday
I also dislike birthdays. Happy another day sober that people might want to make into a big deal. Eat a piece of cake on the sly, enjoy your sobriety and now you can see every day through sober eyes that your father never got to see. Sending hugs and sly cake slices. Happy days to you.
Hey thanks! It’s a really cool studio which I’m lucky to have had the opportunity to build with a friend a few years back. Its in the roof of the last active wool mill in England. Away from all the chaos of the “real world”. Free to create in a lovely space. Come over!!
Thanks, I was trying to think of who I could talk to but then I remembered this place. I can usually coast through without having to dump stuff on anyone but this is doing my head in a bit. (hence my 2:20am posting)
The main points that keep circling around are not so much around sobriety as I think I have that beaten as much as I can, more about mortality. I’ve never felt scared of dying.
My daughter was born almost two years ago and that is when I more conciously and naturally wanted to be alive for longer.
This age popping up feels like a countdown clock of borrowed time has started ticking, which is totally irrational but obviously a bit of old trauma rearing it’s head. Hopefully it will fade as I get used to the idea (or turn 44, haha)
I can relate as my father passed away at 36 years old. I am now 45 but approaching my 36th birthday and a good chunk of the following weeks was a very dark and depressing time. It gets better. I was not in recovery then but I pray that ,for you being in it will bring you strength. Thanks for sharing. It gets better. Living my life today in a way that I hope, scratch that, I know would make him proud helps a whole lot.
ah yes - what a beautiful reason to want to live longer.
I do hope that this feeling passes soon and you are able to enjoy your 43rd year of life. Just remember that we are here for you if you find yourself digging deep about mortality.
Maybe try checking in daily for a while until you start feeling comfortable. Our sobriety journey is not only about being sober but also about learning to live life on life’s terms.
