Let those tears flow. It’s better than numbing with alcohol. I can totally relate with smoking. I normally vape but when I’m under a lot of stress or really sad, I chain smoke cigarettes. We gotta do whatever helps to get through and not drink.
Dogs are the best, it’s like they know when we’re hurting. Hang in there and make sure you eat something.
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I know I need to but I just can’t bring myself to eat. The mere thought is nauseating. Been fighting myself for almost an hour wanting to call him. Not too sure what I even want to say. I just want to hear his voice. I just want someone to tell me it’s going to be okay. I want to believe it’s going to be okay. Thank goodness he only said a couple days cuz I’m barely hanging in.
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I believe today was the last day for online schooling until next year. Yet I sit here thinking it will be bedtime soon and maybe he’ll call after the girls are tucked in. Trying to just prepare for him not calling and focus elsewhere. It helps that both my son & his roommate are home now. With exception to a quick text reminding my man he needs to pull the bin out tonight for pickup tomorrow I haven’t texted or called. It’s kinda funny because I have an alarm on my phone for “bin night” as we too often have it slip our minds. I know it’s only been two days but I really miss him. I miss the conversation, the laughter and smiles and definitely miss the cuddles, kisses and hugs. Even though it can be chaotic I really miss the girls too. I feel like I’m on autopilot of sorts with no determined flight path and all over the place. Riding the emotions the best I can and I’m doing it sober 
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An excerpt in the Big Book just totally spoke to me. . .“When I’m afraid, I reach for the hand of another alcoholic to steady me.” I am so thankful for this community and it doesn’t matter where I am in my sobriety, I need to be here.
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I just caved and texted him. He texted to ask if I knew my friend had won a skidoo and I replied I did not. Then I texted him to ask how his day was and he replied good, he went to town with his brother. He asked about mine and I don’t even want to reply. Think I’ll just say uneventful and leave it at that. Or do I tell him that I thought about him all damb day?
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Just replied I’m not even sure how to describe it. I shouldn’t have texted. . .all my insecurities are flooding in. He asked if I was in a haze and I said completely. Told him I practically thought about him all damn day and it sucked really.
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We talked for over an hour and I think I said all I needed to say. He did say that talking helps in a positive way. I need to fully accept that he is still hurting from his exes behaviors. He admittedly has a lot of walls up. He is fearful and trying to protect himself and his children. I sent him this after saying goodbye. . .
I guess you need to ask yourself if you want to be with me and break down your walls. . .one baby step at a time. Like my sobriety a relationship takes work, understanding, patience and commitment. I wish you could believe me when I say your heart is safe in mine. I wish you could believe that you can grow to be whatever person you want to be in a relationship. You deserve to be loved in a healthy relationship and I want that with you. I want us to be a family and have the best life possible. Do you want that?
Sorry but I feel like we could talk for hours right now. This is so important to me. You are so important to me.
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So sorry to hear that Michelle,
I hope things work out for the best and I’m glad you are still in contact with your son, and good on you for not drinking.
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Thanks so much Graham. I honestly don’t know what is “best” right now but am trying to prepare either way. I feel somewhat shattered and just waiting to explode but yes I’m sober and through all of this I’m definitely thankful for that. He actually commented last night on his fears of me falling off the wagon. He and his daughters went through hell because of his exes addiction and I swore to him I will never abuse them like that. I told him I couldn’t promise him that I wouldn’t fall but I promised to leave if I did.
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Don’t be scared. Or - maybe better to say this: if you’re scared, it’s ok. It’s also not dangerous. You’re intimidated by how strong your emotions are; but you’re capable of working with them and it’s a good sign that you’re communicating with him & he’s communicating with you. He’s reached out to you, you’re interacting constructively over the last couple days. All good signs.
This is one of many emotionally intense moments in the committed relationship. I’ve been through many of these with my wife. Sometimes you don’t understand yourself or the other person, and all you know is working through it is important. If that’s the only thing you can agree on for the moment, that’s ok. You look at him and say: “I don’t understand what’s going on / how I feel / what’s happening, but I know I want to work through this. Can we pick it up tomorrow morning?” And even just agreeing on that, is a start.
Eventually when you come through it - and you will - you will have a clearer understanding. For the moment, just have faith in the process. This experience of working through this complex thing together will actually strengthen your relationship. 
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I have moments where I feel positive that we’re working through it and then I have moments of self sabotage. I think I need him to actually tell me he wants this relationship and wants to work through this. I understand that’s what we’ve been doing but somehow I need it to be official. AND I just want to go home 
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He has already texted me this morning asking if I got some sleep. Again I know this shows he cares. I told him I would really like to see him today. If anything I just want to hold him and to be held. I know it’s only been three days but I miss him tremendously.
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He told me to just come up then and this is what I replied. . .
I would LOVE to do that but am not sure I can see the girls without crying. If you don’t want me back I would like to keep my distance from them. You might not believe me but their feelings and emotions and wellbeing are of utmost priority to me. And if I’m truly honest I don’t want to come there unless I’m officially coming home
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I’m realizing I’m not scared but absolutely petrified. I just want this to be over.
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Michelle take is easy honey. You’re ok, he’s ok, they’re ok. I know you’re terrified.
Partly you’re looking for stability and validation in another person - in him - when really this should come from you. If you can’t be your own stability and affirm your own validity, then the world and the instabilities and unpredictabilities (of events and people) will overwhelm you and throw you off balance and you’ll never be grounded enough for yourself, let alone for other people.
He’s as human as you are. Let him connect with you and build memories with you. Let him - let you both - gradually weave the fabric of your lives together. You’re asking for the entire weight of a life to be held in a net that only just started being woven a few months ago. Let it be strengthened and deepened by natural, gradual time and effort together.
You’re ok. He’s ok. He obviously cares about you. That’s enough for now. It has to be.
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Alright this is just getting ridiculous on my part. I just looked at myself in the mirror and I’m looking like death warmed over. I
am going to try and get some sleep and when I wake up I’m going to force myself to go to town and get something to eat. He didn’t respond earlier and I’m okay with that. I’m going to do my best to avoid texting or calling him until this evening.
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Feel like I’m ready to puke but I’M GOING HOME 
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Yay!! I wish I came on here early to read this good news. Can’t wait to hear more about it tomorrow.
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186 days. I’m very happy to be home but am feeling very raw emotionally. The past few days really took a toll on me and my emotions are all over the place right now. Because of all the time I spent stuck in my head there are so many things I want to talk to him about. I will not overload him but plan to talk through some things each day. Hopefully we can have some open and honest discussion. I know it’s not going to be easy by any means but I’m certain our relationship is worth fighting for. Through our commitment, communication, understanding and patience we can build a healthy relationship and step by step take down some walls. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, but I’m prepared to give it my all.
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