187 days. Another day is gone and I’m ready to crawl into bed for an hour of cuddles before my man gets up to go to work. The thought of losing him has really given me a new sense of appreciation. I don’t know where my journey will lead but am I ever thankful to have him by my side.
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189 days. Dad’s biopsy apparently went well yesterday and they didn’t have to go through the neck as initially suspected. They got some good samples and hopefully the pathologist can look at them before the holidays. I will feel so much better once I know what we’re dealing with and what the treatment plan is. I know I will struggle along the way either way but I want to see what cards we’ve been dealt.
Got my man a ring for Christmas and want to give him this poem with it. Ideas? Thoughts? really any feedback would be appreciated. . .
With this ring I give you my heart and extend my hand
Let’s take this journey together not caring where we land.
One step at a time the four of us shall go
Making fond memories as together we grow.
As we grow together and our lives intertwine
Know your heart is always safe in mine.
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That’s beautiful Michelle right on!!!
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I agree with Rob, it’s beautiful!!
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I just don’t want it to be too much. I really want to take things slowly and don’t want to be the one applying anymore pressure.
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You could put the gift and poem under his pillow when you go to bed, then it’ll be just you two!
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Thanks for that idea. Was contemplating how I could give it to him alone but was also questioning my desire to do so.
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I’m sitting here 2nd guessing my gift. Is it too soon? I talk about baby steps and feel like I’m taking leaps.
I know my feelings and that’s me being honest. It’s a you’re in or you’re out and if I’m all in I don’t want to 2nd guess my heart. Fuck fears and going all in with my heart.
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Hey, Michelle. I’m praying for you. Please rest well tonight.
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190 days. It’s only noon and I want to go back to bed already. Crawling back into bed to avoid how I’m feeling right now. I keep telling myself this too shall pass but just when I think it has her anger resurfaces and slaps me in the face. Two more sleeps until Christmas and just not into it.
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Sorry you feel shitty, Michelle 
I really like the poem you wrote, how come you feel it’s too early?
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Hi Michelle, take it at the pace you need to you have much more time ahead of you than behind you. But think of how different things are now than they were just a few days ago. 
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There are days like I feel that I’m fighting a losing battle. I sometimes think I must be crazy to fight for my place in a family that is pushing me away on a daily basis. I don’t mean to feel defeated but until some serious changes happen I’m not sure how else to feel.
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191 days. Woke up at 1ish and didn’t go back to sleep until almost 5 and then up at 9ish. I wrapped my man’s gift last night with the poem inside the ring box. Told myself there is no turning back now and I’m gonna face my fears within relationships. I hope he appreciates my heartfelt message. He wants to run into town to allow the girls to buy some last minute gifts for each other. Initially thought of just staying home but I think it will do my spirit good. The back and forth switching attitudes of my stepdaughter is difficult and reminds me of Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Trying my best to put this behind for today and just enjoy the present like the gift it is. Tomorrow isn’t promised and if I don’t live for and within today it’s my loss.
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193 days. Had a lengthy conversation with my oldest stepdaughter today. . .after I found the poem in my man’s ring box to be missing. Turns out she shredded it and threw it in the garbage. We talked about her anger and again talked about how I’m not going to take her Dad away from her. The conversation went ok and I believe ended well. However, I feel so extremely distant from my man at the moment. Again I so fear getting hurt while fighting for my place in this family. I feel like I’m such a whiner for seeming to be the Debbie Downer all the time lately. I yearn peace in my heart and an end to the flowing tears down my cheeks. I know I wouldn’t be feeling this all so deeply if I didn’t care so much. I also know I wouldn’t be feeling any of this if I weren’t sober. Thank fuck for that
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That’s what I looked like reading about the poem! Wth, Michelle. Why was she poking around in there? I can’t offer anything constructive. I’d probably go get something special of hers and hide it and see how she feels about it.
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I told her that’s what I should do and so did my man. It’s just all so frustrating girl but I know it’s cuz she’s hurting herself with her thoughts. At her age I was there too. I just need to acknowledge and allow myself to feel the hurt. Even asked her today how she thought I would feel. She said she’d cry and I told her I often do in my bed or bathroom. Was hoping she would’ve said sorry by now but nope. Trying hard to have no expectations and doing so while my man has company here from out of province 
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You’re a good woman. Don’t lose yourself though trying to do the right thing. 
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I lost myself for too many years in my addiction. As much as it hurts I’m finding myself right now. If need be, I will walk away knowing I gave it my all.
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