Trying to not have expectations but wishing he would just hold me & say we’ve got this. Need to find the time to tell him I need reassurance too.
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I absolutely love reading
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Thanks so much. I will definitely look into this.
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Ending 193 days in a much better frame of mind. Keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time and one moment at a time when needed. Staying present is so much better than stuck in my head 
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194 days. Barely noon and still in my PJs and housecoat. Taking today in moments and doing well so far. Today I choose happiness and am going to do my best to manifest it today.
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195 days. Having struggles in my head today and honestly just feel like going back to bed. I think I am going to do just that and call it a reboot.
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195 days. The day pretty much sucked monkey balls but I got through. Feeling very lonely and underappreciated today. Spent most of the day alone and will most likely be heading to bed alone soon too.
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196 days. Getting home from what I believe was an excellent interview. I stayed true to myself and remained confident. Realized how much anger I still hold from being unjustly terminated from a previous position as it came up. I was thanked and commended for my honesty. Gonna try for a quick nap and then probably hop into the SS meeting.
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Had another episode with my stepdaughter. . .don’t know what else to call it. She wanted to sit with me while she handed me a note. The note basically said her life has gone to hell since her Dad & I fell in love. . .she wants us to stop sleeping together and even wrote to stop having sex while the kids are asleep. The badass bitch in me laughed at that one as I thought okay I’ll have sex while the kids are awake! Handled the conversation the best I could. Compared her to a kid at school being mean to you all day and then wanting to play at recess. I said her actions and words made me sad. Told my man that I’m doing the best I can but I’m not knowing what else to do. Told him if he ever doubted I wanted to be with him and them as a family he had better remember this moment. I told him I didn’t need this never mind want it and if I wasn’t committed it would be easy to walk away. My heart is literally aching at the moment and for me it makes it worse that I have to sleep alone tonight. Somehow I feel secure in his arms and assured all this fucken shit I’m going through will be worth it. Staying out of my head is probably going to be difficult and I don’t see me sleeping a lot tonight. Sounds like I might be doing some TS scrolling.
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Thanks for asking. The interview went very well. . .kinda summarized it up above.
197 days. As odd as it sounds but I’m feeling rather antisocial today. Between racing mind and lacking sleep I’m feeling edgy. If anyone were to ask if I’m ok my reply would be no but I will be. Just in the camper having a smoke and the girls are watching a movie. Plan to go lay on my bed & try some guided meditation. With exception to work with my therapist I have never tried this before. At this point I’m willing to try anything. Other than that I need a safe place to have a good bawling session.
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199 days. Slept like shit last night and just in need of a down day today. Tried to talk with my man about some things on my mind but were interrupted by the girls. Hopefully we have a chance to continue our conversation before he heads to work tonight. I told him I need reassurance as I feel I’m fighting for a spot in a family that continues to push me away. I told him I need to know that he wants this. He shocked me when he asked if I want this. I guess I assumed through my efforts I was saying I want this. I also shocked myself as I questioned myself. How far am I willing to go while continuing to be hurt. Do I see a light at the end of this tunnel. These questions are running around in my mind today and I’m left feeling alone and wanting to isolate. Something has gotta give soon cuz I’m tired of feeling like I’m struggling to belong. True friendships and relationships shouldn’t be forced and I can’t help but feel I’m doing the forcing.
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201 days. Thought of unpacking some stuff about my stepdaughter but just like last night’s “notes” I’m going to toss them in the garbage. Ironically I’m sitting at home because she chose to stay home and I felt obligated to stay behind. Not sure if I wanna chat with her even. It’s my turn to have some penned up anger and I’m trying to dissolve it. My morning started off so good when my man came home and the first thing he did was kiss me good morning. I have spent the majority of the day in my room alone watching Netflix. Had planned supper for this evening but now my man, his friend and the wee one have gone to town for pizza. Had a bit of an argument with my man prior to them leaving and know I need to change my attitude before I allow it to ruin my evening. Stopped myself from hopping in my truck and taking off to stew. Man I hope I get this job tomorrow. I really need the changes that working could bring. I need time for me that isn’t solitary and isolated. I need socialization that doesn’t revolve around this family. If couples can get through Covid and building Ikea furniture bahahahahahahaha I can get through this.
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202 days. Haven’t got the call about the job yet so am going to take a nap. Would greatly appreciate my nap being interrupted by the call lol.
Found out some good news about my Dad. Although it is definitely liver cancer it appears to be a small tumor that is a good candidate for embolization. What method will be found out on the 9th. I’m taking this as a positive and a lot of anxiety has left my body.
Ended up thanking my man last night for the way he kissed me good night and good morning and told him to keep those moments coming. I am feeling more secure in our relationship and it feels good.
Happy thoughts make happy moments throughout the day.
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I didn’t get the job. I’m trying not to be hurt but I am. I wanted this so bad and it feels like another roadblock. My man has tried to be very supportive but I honestly just feel like bawling for a bit.
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Trying to tell my body I’m not hurt. Feeling nauseas and not wanting to eat anything.
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Ate supper, feeling better and gonna just chill and watch a movie. Still feeling a lil heavy hearted but am going to focus on the positive.
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I’ve been there too, it does sting but things always work out for the best. 
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