243 days. And today affirms my hatred of Valentine’s Day. One of the worst arguments I ever had with my ex-husband (son’s Dad) was on Valentine’s Day. Ironically in 2008 our divorce was finalized on Valentine’s Day. I proceeded to celebrate the anniversaries of my divorce and totally removed myself from the romantic possibilities of this day. 13 years later I wanted to give this day a fresh romantic perspective and let my past go. This morning I found my mind in self-sabotaging mode of I’m not enough. . .I’m not worth the effort. . .I don’t matter. Even typing this out I know none of this is true but I’ve allowed this materialistic fucken day to fuck with my head. I know isolating will only make things worse but I need an escape and isolation is better than the beer bitch brain taking over.
Hey Michelle,
some holidays are just tough, aren’t they! I’m not a fan of Valentine’s either. Here in Finland it’s not just for lovers but to celebrate all friendships. Anyway, I wasn’t expecting to get any cards etc so went and got myself one (I like buying cards, it’s like a hobby haha). Little did I know that two dear girlfriends had both gotten me something 
Blessings come from unexpected places at unexpected times sometimes.
Treat yourself with some flowers, a cupcake and something pretty pink, you absofuckinlutely deserve it!!! 
I want to be the better person and see his lack of effort as his issue and in no way a reflection of me. However I just can’t get there right now. I’m struggling with feelings of anger and hurt at both him and myself. I haven’t the courage to talk to him about this. I just know that a card or anything would have went a long way. Here I am again looking for external validation.
Sweetheart, you’re only human We long for and need others to say that we matter. I’m sorry you’re not receiving it the way want it right now. You’re absolutely right, his lacking is not an reflection of you.
I personally would be pissed and hurt if I was in a relationship and got nothing yesterday, ESPECIALLY what you’ve been through, Michelle. You’ve been trying and doing so much.
I was hurt and pissed but only had courage to say something this morning. Onward & upward. On other matters, things around the house are going well. Lots of loving with the girls and no school this week. Man’s back to work tonight 10-6am for 7 days so I’ll be unpacking alone then.
Girl! I am with you 100% on this. I avoided social media like a plague yesterday after seeing my sisters giant bouquet of flowers and loving card. I really dont want to be jealous. I started heading down that negative pathway because my daughters dad has always been terrible on holidays.
Anyway, I decided yesterday it wasnt about me. I love all holidays. No need to pretend I don’t!!! I took my daughter to walmart and got grandma and her daddy and herself some valentines. Im gonna teach her its nice to give whether you receive or not.
Her dad did end up printing me out a card off the internet and picking me up some thai food. I guess thats something.
But yeah maybe we just need to focus on loving ourselves on that day so we aren’t disappointed. I bought myself some new books as my own Valentines… and some chocolates of course!
I definitely plan to “take care of me” next year and give myself some extra loving. I gave both the girls a Valentine’s Day box of goodies and a card & chocolates for their Dad. I want them to see how a woman deserves to be treated. My ex was a romantic and very thoughtful on days like yesterday. I need to get past needing external validation but it took a lot of me to even open up to myself how much it truly hurt.
I definitely miss the feeling of being noticed, appreciated and spoiled but all of that didn’t compensate his alcoholism. I am just reading the 5 languages of love and trying to even place my man is a lil mind boggling. Again I remind myself he’s healing too and sometimes acknowledge his behaviour as learned behaviour with his ex that has absolutely nothing to do with me. No expectations aren’t easy when I’m also trying to focus on myself and what I deserve. I know I can’t change him but am learning what I can accept and what I won’t settle for.
Saw this and thought of you. Us, really. I have some thoughts about your recent posts and I want to share a bit of my emotional journey with my husband and figuring out this whole holiday and gift giving issue, including discovering more deep rooted issues he had that took a long time to come out, but I’m nodding off over here so I’ll write tomorrow. I feel ya, though, sister!
245 days/ 8 months. I was the only one that could save myself and the only one that could change myself and here I am at 8 months sober. I am going to celebrate myself because I deserve it. Off for a roadtrip to get a chicken shawarma. Awaiting our roommate to get back home and see if my man’s joining me or not. I do want him to come but am not going to allow my bubble to burst if he doesn’t. Today is about me and I’m going to keep it that way.
Congratulations on 8 months Michelle!! I’m really proud of you and I’m going to celebrate with you from afar. 
246 days. Today has been fun. Our roommate picked me up a new video game yesterday and today we sat and played a couple games. Girls have been tidying their room and cooking and prepping with the roommate. Off to continue in the fun.
248 days. Woke up in a pissy mood and it’s getting worse. Feeling very angry and agitated and plan to hang by myself. A lil difficult with three other adults and two kids but if I don’t I can see myself losing my cool for something small. The day can only get better. . .I hope.
Hope it did!!
254 days. 6 days later, and although I noted on another thread my mood is improving, I’m still sitting in a pissy mood. I need to find alternative ways to reframe my mind. I feel like I’m sitting here on the edge and someone saying or doing something might poke me the wrong way and I’ll explode. I don’t like feeling this way and I’m not entirely certain where or why this feeling is here. The full moon approaching has my anxiety at a higher level as well and I know this part is out of my control. What I do with it will determine my days ahead. For now I will focus on the next 24 hours knowing the urge to drink is only there to get rid of this feeling and wouldn’t do jack shit. I really want to ascertain where/why this feeling is here but for now I may just try to ride it out.
256 days. Still feeling angry and irritated. Thinking it’s about the lacking me space and other shit due to the new roommate. I need to work through this as these feelings are consuming my days and I don’t want it this way. Going to take today as a me day and spend as much time alone as I can. It becomes difficult as my man is back on shift and sleeps in the afternoon. Our bedroom is the one place I feel comfortable in right now and feeling like it’s inaccessible is just adding to the rest of the pissiness. Going to take the opportunity to crawl back into bed now and will see how the rest of the day goes.
Issues with and around the new roommate are definitely contributing to my mood. Trying to find my place in a new relationship and navigate my new role as a stepmother are difficult enough without adding not one but two people to the household. I won’t drink cuz I’m better than that but holy fuck do I wish to. I’m sitting here angry with tears running down my face and I just want to escape it all. I don’t want to feel like this and essentially I don’t want to be me right now. If this feeling doesn’t subside soon I think I’ll go for a drive and scream at the top of my lungs by some lake somewhere. For now gonna blast some tunes, in the camper by myself, most likely bawl my head off and hope it releases some of this tension
257 days. Sitting here with my coffee and trying to collect and organise my thoughts for a much needed conversation with my man. I’m scared my thoughts will be perceived as me whining but I know if I don’t talk them out I’m going to explode. I feel like a scatterbrain.