272 days. It has been a bit, a lot has taken place and yet I remain sober. My lacking self-care became very apparent over the past couple weeks and it came crashing down a few days ago. Previously in my sobriety I have noted I didn’t lose anything during my drinking days and went on to realize I had lost myself. Lately with the goings on, I feel lost and almost like I’m at rock bottom and it’s time to fight and rebuild. Again I find myself investing too much time and thought about others and not enough time and positive thought about myself. The anxiety has returned and most days I am unable to steady my hands. I took some time and thoroughly cleaned the downstairs bedroom. Doing so has provided me with a space that isn’t where I sleep and where others don’t frequent. Went into the city and spent Saturday night watching movies and chatting with a great friend. Surprised myself and slept a solid 6 hours and awoke not recalling any dreams. Came home and spent the majority of the day downstairs listening to tunes and coloring. Trying my best to not think about what others are doing or thinking and focus on myself and in the moment. Need to get some lighting replaced downstairs and if I can get that in town that’s great. Plan to do some more coloring and maybe start the book my girlfriend gave me. It kills me that I’m financially unable and lacking options to get my own place. However, I am going to pray daily for employment and until then will make the best of my current situation and stay focused on myself.
Dang @Squirt sometimes I swear you’re my doppelgänger or whatever the word is for my exact twin. I’m proud of you for recognizing that you had lost yourself in others, something I had also realized I had done my whole life as well. You’re in my prayers and am amazed at your strength. You’re doing great keep it up 
You amaze me too bro. What you have been through and are going through while still sober shows massive strength and I’m very proud of you.
Thanks Michelle that means a lot
274 days. In and out of a bit of “fog” the past couple days. Opened the book my friend lent me that is cognitive behavioral based and was almost ashamed at how I identified with the self-sabotaging traits. I am going to put an extra effort toward working through this book as I know how important it is to stop the negative self-talk. I know the benefits of maintaining positive thoughts but have gone into a lil vortex of sorts where I have been unable to see the light. I’m not sure what the hell is holding me back but I think I would benefit from AA. I keep saying I’m gonna get back to it, find a sponsor etc. and then I do nothing but make excuses for not going. Of the shit that went down over the past week it became apparent I need to get out more and to this I agree. However, some self-reflection over the lacking friendships and relationships I currently have led me to questioning my sobriety. I was back at the "Was I happier drinking? Was I more secure in myself and my relationships while drinking? Was I more successful while drinking? Although I know the answer is I’m better sober this questioning period allowed me to see the things I want again, the things I know I need to work on in myself and for myself. These are all things I believe I am going to need some guidance on and my courage to reach out is faultering. Was an odd day today and early I had a ridiculous argument with the roommate I don’t really care for. My mind and body are tired so I am going to love myself and tuck into bed. Tomorrow I want to spend some time on TS playing catch up on some threads as I even feel out of touch here atm.
Hi Nichelle,
Yup, you know the answer to your questions. While I think it is good to have faith in ourselves and direction in our lives and it is nice to frame events in a constructive way, don’t beat yourself up about your thinking. Remember, we don’t have to be positive all the time, sometimes we are just human. 
276 days. I think my timer was a lil screwed up after the TS update. At any rate, I celebrated 9 months sobriety this week and it feels good. Especially with emotional reactions, I am seeing my growth. I had an absolutely wonderful talk with my oldest stepdaughter yesterday while her Dad and sister were in the grocery store. She vented her frustrations about having the “uncles” live with us and expressed a strong desire for them to get their own place. I told her I shared her feelings and together we will get through this. It was heartwarming to hear her say that she’s happy we’re getting along better and that she’s getting used to the idea of me being her stepmom! She has been having some issues with school again recently and we talked about how different and difficult online learning is and how she must be missing all her friends. As an incentive to complete her homework I have booked a two hour window at the wave pool Saturday night. Today I get to go swimsuit shopping as I have now lost over 20 lbs! Just having morning coffee and then my man and I are heading into the city solo!
This makes me happy to hear the oldest is coming around. Hopefully, your relationship with her will only get better. 
Well done on your 9 months! Particularly well done on connecting with your eldest daughter. It warms my heart that you can do that. With your room mates you are not the bad guy any more! And well done on your weight loss (assuming you meant to do that). But you have so many other options to live a better life as well that you already know about.
281 days. Need to stick this here and want to address it later. I recently told my cousin I could no longer pay for the insurance on her car and now this is what I’ve received. Not entirely certain the two are linked but timing seems right. . . .
HER MESSAGE TO ME. . .
So Ive devided to love you from a distance, as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been on a pity pit.the only time I actually saw you smile was when you wined and wined and wined and wined and pressured Lu into a “relationship” that he didn’t want. You manipulate until you get what you want for a temporary feeling and then it’s on to the next thing that you can breakdown about. Nobody wants to be around someone who is ALWAYS sucking the life out of them, its ALL ABOUT YOU. Your not happy unless you’re pulling shit with someone or you get something for you.
So while your sitting there in your “poor me” life just know I’m praying for you and will love you forever, I’m ABSOLUTELY done letting you be a part of my life.I deserve the happiness I’ve worked hard for and I just can’t have your toxic energy in my life anymore,
Hugs n I’m wishing you help for your mental health and addictions for real.
I’m letting go of dark things in my life cuz it’s not mine to carry
Luv ya
Anyone’s thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.
Wow, Michelle. That’s a really harsh message to get from a family member you’ve been helping out financially. She’s obviously had those feelings for some time but was holding back because you were doing her a favor. I bet you would have never received that message if you continued paying her insurance. She totally used you and kicked you to the curb when you cut her off. She’s trying to hurt you but you can’t let this get you down. You know who you are and I’ll remind you… you’re an amazing, beautiful strong lady that’s working on becoming a better version of herself. You deserve respect and happiness. She’s just jealous that you’re turning your life around and she’s trying to push your buttons in hopes you’ll relapse so she can say “you failed”. Be the bigger person and show no reaction at all which will probably piss her off because she’s not breaking you down like she planned.
That’s my 2 cents. Let’s see if anyone else has better advice.
How are you feeling about it?
Fuck that shit Michelle don’t let that get into your head sis for real!
I’d be like, “You’ve done such a great job at working hard for your happiness…that I think you’ll do an absolutely amazing job working for your own insurance, too. You deserve it.” 
Jokes aside, I’ve learned this lesson with my little brother, whom I also love a ton. Some people use you as much as you’ll let them, and when they find out they can’t do it anymore, they try their best to say things they know will hurt you at the core. They thrive on the reaction. Don’t give her the joy of receiving one.
I agree with previous comments.
This is inappropriate and immature. She’s not addressing the matter (car insurance) but launches a tirade of personal attacks littered with exaggerations “always”, “all about”, “absolutely” etc. No one is always whining nor anything for that matter, whereas the sun always rises. She says she loves you and prays for and that gives her permission to talk to you like this?? Wtf?? Where’s her gratitude for receiving financial aid from you?
If she wishes not to be a part of your life, so be it. If she was only there for the gravy train, it’s sad. She’s family yes but that doesn’t give her a free pass treat others however she likes AND get away with it.
Be angry, sad or whatever it is you’re feeling but please let go any resentment that tries to stick. Resentment will make you inwardly sick.
Sending you hugs, girl 
I have no intention of responding. Broke down her words and realized that there isn’t any truth in how she described me. Initially I was stuck wondering if I am the person she described. The part about pressuring my man into a relationship rubbed me the wrong way because it’s something I’ve struggled with and we’ve recently discussed how I will push for things. I have come to accept that this is a defect of mine I want to change but I do not see it spread throughout my life. As far as the other things she said & about being done with being in my life I’m actually ok with. This is the same cousin who has over a period of years voiced her opinion on how I would be better off leaving my relationships. If I’m true to myself, I know our relationship was toxic and I’m better off just letting her go.
I’m really proud of the way you’re handling this. Again, you are NOT that person she described. Keep up the good work!
282 days. Woke up in a bit of a funk this morning but seeing your responses here and revisiting the issue has turned it around. I am not the person she describes and I am not going to give her toxicity any power. Nor am I going to allow her words to rent any further space in my head. I have called and cancelled the insurance on her car effective immediately and will not look back. Want to go get some stuff for my anxiety today and see if I can’t settle my hands. Not sure what the plans are for the long weekend (school holiday) as we return to more lockdown type restrictions tomorrow. At any rate, family oriented activities are my priority.
So good to hear this, lady! You’re absolutely on top of your reaction to this, which is what you have control over. Well done!
This sounds like a good and a healthy response. Well done!
Yay!!! Good job Michelle, F**K YEAH!!!