Well today was a doozy and it was literally taken in minute stretches. I’m grateful to be laying my sober head down on my pillow. The beer bitch brain has lost again. . .not today bitch and probably not tomorrow either.
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360 days. I’m doing it again and I need to stop myself. My last relapse resulted from my overactive mind, my fears and my assumptions. My mind is so flooded with thoughts of leaving my lil family at the beginning of August I’m overwhelming myself. The problem is, I don’t know how to stop it. I know better than to fill myself with anxiety thinking of the future but I feel like my life is hanging by a thread and the thread is being held by the fucken roommate. Just breathe Michelle and take one minute stretches when needed. Be honest about my feelings and connect with someone I can talk about them with. Distract my mind with an activity of sorts as soon as the pending doom thoughts arise. Take a drive after work and scream atop the hill. Don’t hold the tears in and just let them free flow. Just hang on. . .I can do this.
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Why are you thinking you would be leaving; if he doesn’t? What’s your guy say? I feel like you are being so strong and mindful. I wish he would give you some positive feedback on that whole situation with the roommate.
I know when I’ve gotten so over analyzing things I have to say, things will work out the way they should…even if it’s not what I wanted. Hugs sweetie…
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368 days. Needed to explore my thoughts and feelings triggered by what both @Fargesia_murielae & @Its_me_Stella were discussing on the main thread. I have been in a relationship basically since I was 14 years old, 2 since I was 18 and now in my 3rd. Despite warnings I again entered a relationship with no time for just me in-between. I have no qualms in my desire to grow old with someone and not be alone. But I have come to realize that I can feel lonely when I’m not alone. It’s these times I wish to isolate as I would rather be alone than feel lonely. I’m not sure if I get into relationships to avoid being alone but my attachment to them can be unhealthy as I seek validation and worthiness once in them. I too need to make friends. It’s difficult with the pandemic and even without it I am really a homebody. This community has given me more connections than local opportunities. If I’m honest I think building a positive relationship with myself should be my priority. I’m one year sober and need to start taking more steps out of my comfort zone and actively working on recovery.
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Went to visit friends and had pop and no wine. Feeling good about that.
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I may have missed in another thread but I wanted to wish you congratulations 
on one year. I’m so very proud of you. I know you e been through a lot but you e worked very hard.
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371 days. Did something today and impressed myself. Was talking to someone about myself and realized the other wasn’t even listening. Normally I would internalize and personalize this person’s action as a reflection of me not being interesting or worthy of their time. Instead I saw their action as a reflection of them. . .I saw them as not being a good listener and as being somewhat rude. I was able to stay smiling and feeling good about myself whereas historically I would go down the negative rabbit hole. May seem small to others but this for me today is huge and I’m proud of myself for loving myself.
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I absolutely hate when people do that. Typically they are looking at their phone, etc. I’ve been out to dinner with one friend in particular who couldn’t put their phone down. I got up and left. It’s rude. And it absolutely is not a reflection on you.
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Good for you, chica! Also a pet peeve of mine. Also, I just did some catching up on your thread and just want to say I’m proud of you 
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That’s fucking HUGE!!! Good job sis!!! 
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It is huge!!! Be proud! Well done!
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374 days. Realized last night that my garden is still something I cling onto tightly as mine. I purchased some chicken wire and stakes to fence my garden to keep out the cat and stray toys like bouncing balls. I was asked last night if I wanted my fence up and I think my reply shocked us both a lil. I said that yes I want it up but I don’t want it done for me as I need to be the one doing it. Sharing this passion of mine is difficult and has become somewhat a selfish hobby. My garden is something I can do all on my own and don’t care to let others in on the experience. Keeping it solely mine allows me to protect it from being taken away from me. When I had my breakdown in July 2019, I hadn’t planted my garden that year and it’s obvious now a piece of me was missing. The almost defensiveness in me over the garden is a bit concerning but atm I’m not going to read to much into it.
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378 days I need to talk and I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m going to be okay or how to be okay. I’m not okay and that’s okay. I’m absolutely shattered at the moment. Losing two people whom I deemed important in my life, with or without our addictions, and not being able to say goodbye is hurting me deeply. I don’t think there’s much about me that either of these people didn’t know and they loved me for me and I can say the same about them. Losing them both through overdose is heartbreaking but such a strong push for me to stay sober and not lose another life through addiction. I harbor some anger for how they played Russian roulette with their life but empathize with the addictive gambles they made. I want to give them shit for the decisions they made, I want to tell them I love them, I want to hold them one more time, I don’t want to say goodbye and I’m not ready to.
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I’m here for you sis anytime you want to talk ok, you have my number. Sorry you’re going through this it’s fucking horrible
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Sitting here enjoying the view trying to be thankful for the lil things in life right now. I’m here, I’m alive, I’m sober. I know I will go to sleep and dream of her and our times together and I’m looking forward to that. I’m not looking forward to waking tomorrow and remembering she’s gone.
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I’m so sorry for your loss 
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389 days. I’m 34 pounds lighter and a year+ sober. Somehow and in some ways I feel free. I’m not being dragged down with regrets, guilt or shame. I am working on expectations, subsequent disappointments and reactions. I’m not focussing on the progress but instead my focus is on the process. As I live one day at a time I learn more about myself as my day evolves and my interactions with others take place. I am still struggling with accepting that others’ words and actions are about them and not me but with assistance of the “best friend voice” I am getting better. I’m still not feeling “enough” for me but am beginning to truly love myself and slowly leave my past behind. All in all I’m feeling free.
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This makes my heart smile 
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392 days Sitting with all kinds of fucken feelings and all of them are legitimate right now. I’m angry, I’m excited, I’m scared as fuck, I’m sad and hurting. I’m not 100% certain but I believe I’m moving out. Not leaving my relationship nor my lil family but giving myself some space. I’m trying to convince myself it’s the best for everyone but I’m still having a hard time with it. Now that the roommate is babysitting he’s even more of an asset around here and has added to the appeal of him staying. I said, and will later apologize for, Geez if he bent over and sucked cock he would be everything you need. I won’t drink because I don’t drink but fuck me if I could just take a break from my life.
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