I didn’t make it to the meeting! Layed down for a bit and only woke recently. Plan on hopping right back into bed shortly. I need to decide if I’m heading out right after work tomorrow. I have both of my cousin’s services this weekend and a burial and spreading of ashes on Monday. Despite efforts made I’m going alone. Not sure that’s the best idea but must play with the cards I’ve been dealt. It’s going to be a rough ass weekend but it may do me good to get away alone.
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Sending you so much strength and love sis, you got this!!!
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416 days. . .has been a hell of a week and can’t catch up on here with others or on myself. BUT I needed to check in. . .I’m home and sober.
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Glad to hear it!! Keep up all the hard work.
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418 days. Through a lot of emotions last week my eyes were opened to some serious ah ha moments. While gathering with family I realized that through not only Covid but my journey I have avoided contact with a lot of my family. During these times of gathering I realized that no matter how fucked up my family can be, they are still an important part of me and I need many of them in my life. Some are a reminder of what I don’t want to be, some are a vision of where I want my life to go and some are just a reminder that I am loved for whomever and whatever I become. At any rate, reestablishing regular contact is something I want to do and will make a conscious effort toward.
When I traveled for the services, my plan was to be away for two nights and return home. Instead I asked for two days off work allowing two more nights to be spent with family. I was able to have a real heart to heart conversation with my deceased cousin’s son and another cousin about our active addictions. My cousin’s son is 8 months clean and sober and the conversation that ensued, although somewhat sad, was extremely healing. Knowing we’re fighting the same demon(s) and having each other’s support along the way somehow brightened my outlook and created a bond that may have not otherwise been there. Being with my cousin’s son somehow made my connection with my cousin feel stronger. He may have gone to the spirit world but the fight in me will always have a component of him. I promise to not lose myself in addiction as we lost him to his addiction.
So, as the same three of us are traveling the highway together Wednesday morning we have an unexplainable vehicle incident. What we thought was us getting a flat tire turned out to be my truck completely shearing lugs off my tire and completely shattering my tire rim. We are all so lucky it was a rear tire as the possibilities if it were a front tire are frightening. None of us were hurt as the incident played out & all I could think is that my cousin was above looking out for us. This was such a stark reminder of how short life can be and how we never know when we’ll run out of time. My new daily is loving those around me like I’m going to lose them. I’m going to find ways to appreciate what I have and make the best of each moment
My time away also really solidified my love for my man and the girls. It became so apparent that I don’t need them in my life but I truly want them. This alone brought me home in a different mind space and also prompted my intentions of positive interactions with the roommate. The time away and the accident really opened my eyes to seeing my living situation in a different way.
Prior to leaving for the weekend some stupid shit went down at work. My coworker had been on holiday and had some reactions to what I can only explain as her difficulty in letting the control in her position go. I received some hateful emails and was the focus of some harsh feelings of this woman. I almost walked off the job but was determined to ride it out. The goings on strengthened my desire to not return home and gave me no qualms in asking for time off. Since I have returned, I have received many heartfelt apologies and affirmations of my strength and ability to assume the administrator role. What a reminder it has been that the thoughts and actions of others really are no reflection of me.
I’m tired. . . I’m drained. . . I’m functioning at a minimal level and it’s time to address this. Today I will rest as much as I can and know it’s what I need.
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Wow. You’ve had a really intensive week. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. Yet, I’m glad that something good came out of your time away - not only heartbreak. It’s breathtaking to see you grow and gain insight in your relationships and emotional life through all these storms. It means you’re creating a SOLID footing for yourself. I’m so proud of you. Heck, I’m taking notes 
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427 days. It seems the tests of living life on life’s terms aren’t going to lighten up anytime soon. For the 3rd time since beginning my sobriety journey I am feeling like I’m fighting for my right to belong. I have not entered this position by choice and don’t feel deserving of being placed here. I am feeling so lost and feelings of a desire to run or to curl up in a ball and disappear from the world are frequently on my mind. The old me would attempt to drown these feelings with alcohol. I won’t drink because I don’t drink but I’d be lying if I said I don’t want to.
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Hey girl. What’s going on? Is this family?
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If you can believe it. . .the girls’ Mom is here visiting and staying with us!! 
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Ugh, I can’t even imagine what that must be like… I bet everyone’s a bit confused, especially the girls. I hope her stay is only temporary.
But sweety, you do belong, without any shadow of a doubt 
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428 days. I’m trying my hardest but I feel myself losing it and fear completely falling apart. I wish to call into work sick again today and just hide from the world. My head is aching, my stomach is nauseous and I don’t know if I want to scream or bawl. I haven’t felt this unstable since my breakdown over 2 years ago. I fucken hate my life right now but no amount of beer is going to do fuck all for me but make things worse.
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430 days. I feel myself crumbling as I’ve fallen victim to others’ choices. I’m still sober but am struggling in every other way. I can’t eat without nauseous effects, I can’t sleep for longer than a couple hours at a time, I can’t stop shaking and I’m either on the verge of tears or screaming at any given minute. I have booked a doctor’s appointment for Tuesday to discuss medication and am awaiting an appointment with my addictions counselor. I feel fucked right up but will do my best to ride this shit show out.
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Michelle…forgive me if I overstep…but I feel as though your home - wherever that may be - should be as happy a place as possible. A place where you can rejuvenate, relax, enjoy. I’ve been on TS since November of last year. I don’t know your entire story. But for some time your homelife hasn’t been ideal. Your husband (boyfriend?) doesn’t appear to give you what you need and deserve. You gave him a date of August regarding the roommate…then didn’t hold him to it. NOT judging you at all for that. If just seems that you deserve so much better. You had the strength to begin your sobriety journey and maintain that sobriety despite many life stressors. I hate to see you struggling as you are. You are committed to your sobriety, but I wish you could enjoy it more. Glad you are seeing a doctor!! You are very smart to do that. Wishing for things to get better for you. Starting today.
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Hi Michelle, I will echo @Mbwoman. Sending prayers of strength and courage to you. Please take care of yourself. You’ve battled this situation for quite a long time. I know change is scary, but you deserve MUCH better.
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431 days & the closest to saying fuck it all & getting hammered. The Beer Bitch Brain is sounding like my best friend right now telling me I deserve to, it will make things better, my mind needs the break FUCK EVERYONE and just go get drunk. I know these are all lies but the temptation is so fucken strong it hurts. Instead I will hop in a hot shower, jump in my Jeep and go scream atop my screamer’s hill. I’m thinking it might be a good idea to leave my wallet at home and that in itself frustrates the fuck out of me. I’m stronger than this. . .what the fuck can’t I handle? They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Truth is what doesn’t kill me leaves me scarred and I’m struggling to ascertain who is really inflicting the pain.
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439 days Trying to find peace within circumstances I don’t wish to be in. Not breaking down on a daily basis is a victory for me right now. Some days I feel like a robot just going through the motions and void of emotions and other days my emotions are so intense that anything can set me off and bring out the tears. I don’t believe my situation is completely unique but man would it be nice to find someone who has experienced something similar and came out sober on the other side. All I can do is literally take it day by day and praise myself each night I lay my sober head on my pillow.
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448 days Still struggling but still sober. Had my 1st counseling session last week and the one thing that really got me is how little I give myself credit and praise myself. Getting back to talking to myself with the “best friend” voice is a must. Each day brings new challenges regarding my man’s ex. I try to empathize with her alcoholism but feelings of anger surface frequently. Today is my stepdaughter’s birthday and it’s the first time in 5 years her Mom has been present for it. I on the other hand feel removed from it all and continue to struggle finding my place. My man leaves Thursday morning for a weekend retreat with work and part of me is truly dreading it. Have been filling my watch list on Netflix and Prime as I know I will isolate during much of the time my man is gone. Want to discuss some better planning with my counselor Thursday as I know isolation often makes me feel worse. Thankful for the distraction of work today and now need to get ready for the day.
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450 days. It’s not even 8:30 yet & I feel like crawling into bed. I’m so happy about my blood work basically coming back perfect. It feels good to hear I’m healthy, my liver is healthy and I’m on a good path. I did voice concern about losing anymore weight though and hope my digestion issues calm some despite my nerves. My mental state is improving and I’m not so quick with the tears the past few days. I’ve had some good talks with my man & we are good despite the toxicity currently surrounding me and the girls because of his ex. I don’t want to be anywhere but with him and the girls and despite others’ opinions I’m just going to let his ex bury herself. I’m trying to busy myself and essentially avoid being around her while she’s drinking but keeping an eye/ear for any shit with the girls. The oldest has voiced her dislike of her mother’s drinking a few times but is scared to tell her mom cuz she doesn’t want her Mom to leave again. My heart breaks for her and I wish her mom would either stay sober or just leave. I swear this woman is like my man’s kryptonite and he becomes defenseless around her. My counselor discussed his possible codependency issues and it kinda makes sense but doesn’t really make it any easier. Tomorrow I have work & then hopefully out for the evening to play cards with my man’s family. Saturday I’m taking my oldest stepdaughter to the city for a shopping spree to spend money she got for her birthday. Hoping to make plans with my son for Sunday and then my time will be mostly filled away from the house while my man is gone.
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455 days. Not sure how I’m going to do it but I need to do something to get my mind in a different space. Too much of my time is consumed thinking about my man’s ex and her unwanted presence in my life. As I have chosen to stay in my house I need to find a way to coexist and find peace within. I’m really at a loss of how to do this and am reaching out for opinions and advice. I have honestly tried to find people that may have experienced something similar to my current situation but I have been unable to do so. Is my situation really that fucked up? I know I have the strength to get through this but I need some new tools. There are days where I literally feel like I’m losing my mind and there are days where I just want to say fuck it all & give up. Today I’m truly feeling like giving up. I’m so tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own home and I’m tired of feeling so anxious. I hate the lacking sense of belonging I’m feeling and I know it’s my overactive mind creating a lot of the bullshit I’m feeling. Right now I don’t feel like I’m living, I feel like I’m merely existing. Fuck I hope these feelings pass but I fear them sticking around as it has become evident that she’s not leaving anytime soon.
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