I’m sorry you’re hurting and that things didn’t work out with him. You are a marvellous woman, I hope you know that!
How do you like your new place? May it be a place of peace and serenity.
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Sadly, I have been in that place more than once. I truly understand what you are saying. I am happy for you that you had the self-respect to say “enough”!! From what you have been describing for many months pretty much fit the description of “enough”. But that was for you to decide. I hope each day your broken heart heals a bit more.
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470 days & an evening check-in. Rejection and abandonment are two demons I’ve battled since a young age. Although I have made progress, I still hurt easily when these demons are perceived to have surfaced. I couldn’t help myself and extended an invite for cuddling. I have a hard time seeing the decline to my invite as anything other than rejection. I would like to be at a point where I can easily move past moments like this, accept the rejection and move on. Instead my mind races & I self sabotage. I’m calming myself down from mini panic attacks, small bout of crying and an otherwise odd day.
Putting it out there, but codependency was brought up before. I have a full plate right now but may reach out to my addictions counselor and inquire about some good reading material. A fair amount of reading time is stuff for school however I need to help my understanding of myself. Food for thought anyway.
Oh, to boot. . .he delivers me my radio from my camper and he ends up winning the big money tonight 
Thank fuck tomorrow is a new day. Going to bed soonish, laying my sober head on my pillow and putting this day to an end.
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Part of me wants to share this post with him and the other part questions why 
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Sorry you’re having to go through all the hurt. You’re stronger than you think but you still have all of us to lean on. Sending you big hugs. 
There are CoDA meetings on intherooms.com. Maybe just listen in to see if you can relate. You may also find some useful information on CoDA.org
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I vote no. He’s made his decision; I don’t want to see you getting hurt over again, Michelle. Everyday should be put towards you and letting it go a little bit each day.
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Might not be a good idea. Sounds like you’re seeking to connect with him through letting him know about your inner workings. I guess that rises in a letting go process. I’m afraid you’d be setting yourself up for another disappointment. Like Donna said, he made his choice.
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Self soothing is something I’ve learnt to do… Im not a big one for being touched/hugged but as humans we do crave that affection and reassurance…
But i think this is the time to find what helps you and only you without anyone else’s comfort for security…
Developing new ways of supporting yourself will only make you more fierce xx
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471 days. As I sit here with my coffee after an essentially sleepless night I regret reaching out to him. Tomorrow is his birthday and I know I’ll have difficulty keeping him off my mind. @DLS , @Olivia & @anon27760155 you are all right. I’m hurting myself by making myself available to him &/or by wishing to be in his arms. I know I need to let go and I know it will be in baby steps but I’m struggling with the how. @Mbwoman if you have any suggestions or advice I am all ears. The old me would dive into work full force but my work isn’t really a place that offers extra work & is often slow. I live in a small village and access to social activities is practically nonexistent. Even my school work isn’t very interesting at the moment. I’ve tried to get into some new series on Netflix and Prime and find myself easily distracted by thoughts of him and the girls. I’ve poured myself into unpacking and organizing my new place but the past few days that doesn’t even provide comfort and I’m pooped. I need to find something that I can do and be excited about which will distract my overactive mind and broken heart.
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How about some exercise at home, look on YouTube. Something easy and gentle.
Whatever it takes. Go for a walk with music or audible book.
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I second what @DLS said, if all else fails and there’s morning to do you can always go for a walk or a hike. I find it’s better to be bored outside than inside because then you can at least enjoy nature and fresh air.
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Do you like crafts? Drawing, painting, crafting? Knitting? I started to crochet after 20 years break. Started simple but I’m developing. It’s good for idle hands and mind.
Come to our zooms. Saturday will be a special meeting
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476 days. Today marks 3 weeks since getting into the argument with his ex and I honestly don’t think I’m feeling much better. Despite trying for a strong front and trying to let go, I’m no further ahead than I was the day I left. I am really struggling to let go and essentially don’t want to. I have chatted with and spent a small amount of time with him and realize this has probably done me more harm than good. When I’m with him & in the moment I feel wonderful. But when he’s not around, which is more often than not, my mind obsessively goes to him and the girls. I miss the 3 of them tremendously and feel robotic as I maneuver myself through daily activities. Again I question if I’m missing what was or just what could have been. Either way I’m struggling and feeling like I’m missing a piece of me. It takes time to heal but right now I’m feeling like the pain is getting worse and time is ticking away at a snail’s pace
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I’m sorry you’re feeling so low my friend.
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485 days. This is a lot harder than I anticipated. I was doing really good and refraining from contacting him and then Sunday I buckled texting him & telling him despite trying hard he’s still the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing before I go to bed. He came right over for coffee and I’ve seen him for short periods of time daily since. It has honestly done me more harm than good and I’m seeing my unhealthy behaviors frequently. I had a long talk with a cousin this evening and she opened my eyes to some patterns of the last month. I’m humiliated and am trying to fight for something that’s just not worth it. I am also clearly codependent and am only really seeing this now but a lot of things are really starting to click. I need to stick to loving myself and treating myself better. These are choices I’m making and I have control over them. Family trauma has taught us girls to settle and constantly seek approval and affection from the people who disrespect us the most. I’m 47 years old & it’s about time I break these habits. I loved myself enough to get and stay sober and now I need to love myself enough to let him go & move on. It’s not going to be easy but it’s going to be harder on me if I don’t start making these steps in the right direction. Tomorrow should be busy at work and then I have an exam to write tomorrow night. I have a few protects to keep myself somewhat busy over my 3-day weekend and I also plan to give myself permission to grieve. I’ve been too busy trying to hang on that I need to really start the process of letting go and actually maneuvering myself through the grieving process. One day at a time I will get through this.
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I am happy you are checking in. Sounds like you are right where you are supposed to be Michelle. Self awareness, self compassion, self love… we all have to learn these things and they all take time. Sending love to you.
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I’m happy to see you posting although things are hard. Sweet girl, give yourself some credit! You’re learning new ways, there will be missteps. Your humble self-awareness is precious. Like Stella said, sounds like you’re in the right place.
Hugs!!!
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Wow I’m really proud of you Michelle for recognizing patterns. I love that you’re applying the self love of you getting sober to other areas of you life like this one. You’re doing an amazing job keep it up! 
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Damn this hit home with me in regards to Faith. My brains going to chew on this one for a bit. Definitely leaning towards “what could have been” for sure. Thank you for sharing your pain, that takes a lot of courage my friend.
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