How are you, Michelle??
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499 days. I have continued the battle of the heart versus the mind and it has been exhausting. My body craves for me to end the insanity. Like a beer bottle I have clung onto this relationship and although consciously aware it’s like poisoning myself, I’ve struggled in this toxic cycle. I watched an episode of a series recently and words within it have stuck in my mind for days. I need to give myself permission for this to not work out. I can love this man and leave the relationship without being a failure. I can honestly say I put my heart and soul into it and that should be enough. My actions lately are ridiculous and it needs to stop as I’m only disrespecting myself. I loved myself enough to get sober and I’m going to love myself enough to let go of my ideas of what could have been. I am going to love myself and enjoy the life I have ahead of me. I’m going to love myself one day at a time and I’m going to get through this stronger and happier on the other side. I don’t need someone else to complete me. Happiness is an inside job and I’m in control of it. It’s time to let go of the negative and embrace the positive. It’s my time to shine one day at a time.
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You know, there is no right way or wrong way to go through this process of basically grieving a loss of a relationship. It’s very individual I think…from my vast experiences, lol 
Some are just very hard and deep rooted. BUT, you, my dear, are one smart and aware lady.
I’m really glad you stopped by here today! 
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Hey girl, good to hear from you! You are amazing, did you know that? Stunning. Lovely. Caring. Treasure.
It’s still early days. I’m sorry that it’s gonna hurt for a while. But you’ll get thru it, sober. You are worth loving and protecting.
Congratulations on 500 days!!!
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500 days and I’m confused. I sent him this meme yesterday before posting on here and fully expected no response. . .
Last night he showed up at my house. We chatted, watched a movie and hung out. I cannot and will not get my hopes up and I no longer have expectations. I wonder if I’m prolonging pain or if this is him hanging on. It’s weird because I feel like I’m in the right space and ready to let go but his actions have taken me by surprise. He brought wood to make new stairs for my front stoop and has made plans to come over this weekend, with the girls, to build me 2 sets of new steps. Last weekend the girls slept at my house Friday and Saturday and both of them voiced to their Dad they wanted to live with me. It warmed my heart and hurt at the same time. I believe I’m ready to pull back and just let be whatever will be. I will not chase, plead for time together nor obsessively think about him. Not sure I’m on the right track but it feels good and I feel strong.
Today I enter the 500 club and that in itself is huge. One day at a time I will continue growing along this journey of life.
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Congratulations on 500 days!! 
It sounds like you’ve been really working hard on making a final decision. Only you know if you’re prolonging the pain. Or if you can be satisfied with what it is at this point. I can tell you from an outsider that you deserve so much more than what he’s willing to give.
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Huge congratulations on your 500 days, especially during the hard times you are going through. I am a silent reader of your journey and lots of your split up reminds me of when my ex left me except for the fact that it was the go for me of spiralling downwards with my drinking. It is huge that you are going through this sober. Take care and listen to your heart. Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants or he knows and still is sending mixed signal. At least that was what happened to me some years back and it was such a fucked up situation.
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505 days. Have found myself in quite the positive mindset over the past few days. His truth came out and he has been clinging to a hope of things working out with her and giving his girls the “family” they deserve. As his friend I truly get this. But, we were able to talk in depth yesterday about what they are really getting by having her back in their lives. She continues in her active addiction often intoxicated around the girls, not getting up until almost noon and napping shortly thereafter. When not drinking she is either cranky and hungover or just plain miserable. He came with me last night to pick up some loveseats for my place and when he went home after she was drunk. He immediately packed up the girls and came here to hang out and watch movies. I’m at home for three days attending a virtual training conference from my kitchen table and today the girls are coming here while he’s at work. The oldest will be online for school and the wee one can watch movies and play etc. I feel better making alterations in my day if it means they’re saved from being subjected to her. He has asked her to move back to Alberta and I’m not sure how that’s going to play out and not sure it matters. I’m NOT looking at this as us getting back together and will not get hopes in my head. As much as I miss our lil family, I know I’m good on my own right now BUT I will do everything in my power to be there for the girls. I do have to admit it felt amazing last night with the four of us here; it was like having my life back and things were normal. However, he has a lot of healing to do and some serious soul searching. I have boundaries I need to keep firm and I need to continue to put myself first. Right now and for today it is about the girls. I’m going to make the best of an odd situation and am going to have a great day.
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Reading your post this morning brought a smile to my face, chica! I am so stinkin’ proud of how far you’ve come, how strong you’ve been and continue to be, and how you’ve taken your power back. Your instincts were right all along about him being hesitant to commit and I’m so glad his truth came out. Way to go, you should be so super proud of yourself. I’m happy for you and for those girls that they have you in their life.
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507 days. Woke up feeling amazing. The girls spent the day here again yesterday as I was attending training from my kitchen table. Plans had been for their Dad to pick them up when he was done work and then he and I were going to spend some time together last night; had planned this “time” since the beginning of the week. However, he called saying he was going to work at his sister’s office to help with some renos/painting the contractors were trying to finish. He said he thought I was going to hate him but I think I surprised us both when I said I had no hopes or expectations when it came to him so I wasn’t surprised and I was fine. He told me he felt guilty and I said that’s good because it meant it matters and he cares. He was going to come pick up the girls but their mother had nothing prepared or planned for supper as she was “sick” after two days of not drinking. So I kept the girls, took them for supper and kept them overnight. He came here close to midnight and he stayed the night too. It’s the first time he spent the night with me since I left his house and I sooooo missed being in his arms and he in mine as we slept. I can’t describe how good it felt but will not allow myself to be caught up in any hopes of any kind. I truly am okay with being on my own and know that I’ve become stronger during this time. I’m not sure what today will bring but know that nothing nor anyone can deflate my positive mindspace.
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Well. . . didn’t get too far into the day and my ex (with 12 years previously) called to let me know his Dad passed away yesterday. Some words were said and I struggled with them on and off throughout the day. Work was extremely busy and I was able to keep my mind distracted. Came home to find my new tv doesn’t have the TSN app and my laptop overheated so I couldn’t even watch the Rider’s game. I have an exam to write in the morning and am probably going to go into work for a while. I’m ready to call it a day. Hitting my pillow in a totally different mindspace than what I awoke to but at least I’m laying my sober head down.
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515 days. I’m having to treat this relationship like an addiction. I can barely make 24 hours without having some form of contact with him. The more I try to not think of him the more I think of him. It’s all so fricken surreal. Of all the shit I’ve been through I would have told ya you were fucked if you said a relationship was going to bring me down. Yet here I sit slowly coming out of the trenches but having made no progress. I have coped, I have settled, I have screamed and I have bawled yet not once did I think about putting a beer to my lips. I know the Beer Bitch brain is just the path to a horrific rollercoaster ride and the merry-go-round I’m on is enough thanks. I have a doctor’s appointment Monday and have requested an appointment with my addictions counselor to start working through managing codependency. The relationship between us isn’t the greatest, she’s on her way back to Alberta this weekend and I’m using this weekend to try to settle my nerves and regain the feeling of the living. Ive made it 21 hours but know I’m calling him when I click reply on here. Maybe tomorrow I’ll make 24.
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Does he know it’s fu*×#en with you? You deserve a relationship that is healthy, devoted and complete.
Not to get personal but keeping the physical relationship going is blurring the lines, if that makes sense. Your heart is leading your brain, 
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I’m curious, Michelle…do you make all the contacts or does he text or call, too? If the answer is “you only” then…well, not ideal. I admire your desire to take care of yourself. Seeing the addiction counselor and doctor are great ideas! I understand where you are with wanting to contact him. I’ve been in that headspace, too. I usually ended up texting or calling. But if the relationship was lopsided, it did eventually end. I’m hoping for the best outcome for you. Whatever that ends up looking like! 
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Hey there Michelle! How is it going? 
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532 days . . .wrote this in my journal earlier and realized I hadn’t been here in a bit so thought I would just drop it here . . .
I don’t even know how many days it really is, now, but know that I was 17 months sober on the 16th. To honestly say how I’m feeling is to say that I’m feeling too much. Covid and my separation have totally rocked my world upside down and around some more. I have felt so many different feelings in so many different situations. There have been times the beer bitch brain kicked in as I sat there not wanting to feel anything. Instead I continued to sit sober in the uncomfortable. I have witnessed myself allow others’ feelings, or my perception of possibilities, alter my actions too many times for my liking. I am by no means an inconsiderate Tnuc and recently tend to worry about others’ feelings rather than just being myself. Many things out of my control have impacted my life within the past few months and I’m beginning to feel like I’m bouncing back. It’s so difficult to pull back from him when I crave socialization so badly right now. My wife still hasn’t spoke with me since prior to Covid which is coming upon two years. My Tray is busy as usual, and my Princess is a vax issue. My “sista” often has a negative energy I feel uncomfortable around. Other friends are too far away and there are the ones I thought were friends yet were only drinking buddies. I haven’t spent this much time in front of a television in probably my whole life yet it’s a way to keep myself out of my head and essentially occupied. Work is not challenging nor busy enough for my liking. I got a new Mentor and hopefully meeting with her will provide me with more duties to fill my workdays. So far, one day at a time, I’m doing it. Some days are ok and some are not. Each day is a new day and each day I lay my sober head on my pillow is a good day.
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535 days. Feeling like I’m living the meaning of insanity. I’m going through each day doing the same thing and expecting different results. I don’t know what it is about this man that I’m having such a difficult time letting go. I have gone through break ups in the past but none have been like this. Maybe it’s because I’m truly alone this time with no friends or family around to lean on and no activities to keep myself busy. I know in my mind it’s in my best interest to walk away without looking back but my heart is stuck. I feel like I’m living a sick version of Groundhog Day. The upcoming holidays don’t help matters at all. It will be the first time I have spent Christmas alone and the thought deeply depresses me. I want to run away from it all but feeling like I have nowhere to run to. I want to curl up and spend the day in bed but know I can’t sleep even if I wanted to. Nothing positive could be found at the bottom of a beer yet I crave the numbness and the escape knowing it would only be temporary. Sitting here with less than half an hour to get ready for work and just wishing to make the world go away. Trying to get the courage up to call in sick to work yet trying to muster strength to just go in. I know I would be useless at work today and the thought of sitting at work bored as fuck is deterring me from even trying.
FUCK MY LIFE
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Go in, sweetie. Try to do something different than what you’re used to. Something small; drive a different way, do something at work different, different make up. It helps a little.
This will be a learning memory for you some day. Go through it but also try to shake it off!
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Hey Michelle, how are you? How did you manage the holidays?
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I was thinking of you too, hope you are doing well. 
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