567 days .I’m not too sure what is going on with me right now and I’m not even sure who I can talk to about it. I am awaiting a call from a counsellor through Mental Health to book an appointment. I continue to fill my thoughts with him and the girls and experience great difficulties not thinking about them. I have started a new counter on TS tracking the time without contact. Work is absolutely stressing me out right now as I feel I don’t have the proper direction to do my job. I find myself lacking confidence lately and not certain that I want to figure things out on my own. I have tackled tasks to find out that I can’t even submit the request because I’m not entitled to sign the document. I need the money but right now question its’ worth and find myself fantasizing about quitting or taking a leave. I have always believed in work-life balance but right now I feel like both areas are unbalanced and I just want to hop off the ride of life for a while. I question if this is me going through normal life sober and just feeling all the feelings, but I hope & know in my heart that life doesn’t have to be lived with so many obstacles and stressors. When I had my breakdown almost three years ago, I had been in a similar position in the workplace and I pushed myself hard. This time I feel like I have no energy or desire to do anything, almost like I’m on a pause of sorts but everything around me is still going on.
I’m sorry to hear this, sweetie. I know you care for them; I hope you can get a counselor and walk through all of it.
571 days. 18ish hours no contact. I’ve been thinking. . .when am I not lol. . .since a young child I have battled the demons of abandonment and rejection. This is the first relationship that has ended that it wasn’t me leaving and my choice. My struggle to hang onto him isn’t about him, it’s me fighting the demons of abandonment and rejection. Now that I see that I need to sit with it and let it pass. I know this isn’t about me and I’m a beautiful, smart, funny, compassionate all around good person. I will always love him but will do the best I can to let the demons go. Doing it sober is so much harder but will make me so much stronger.
Sweetings, I’m so proud of you! Those are nasty demons but YOU are more than them! We’re here for you girl.
That is a huge realization Michelle, and you’re right sitting with that stuff is hard. You don’t have to do it alone though. Reach out anytime.
583 days & 18ish hours no contact. I thought I would come here and write as my mind is trying to sort things out. I’m trying to figure out how I can explain what is going on with me to someone that truly cares for me and wants to know. I’m not crazy and I’m not suicidal but I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I don’t want to live the life I’m living and I need to make some changes. I need some help and some time to do so and have taken a leave from work. I can’t really financially afford to do so, but mentally can’t afford not to. Although I’ve found myself in this headspace previously, I have used alcohol to block the thoughts and numb the feelings and emotions and I have had friends and family around me. This time I have 19 months sobriety and I’m alone. I will not drink because I do not drink but think about drinking multiple times a day. I just want to curl up in a ball, hiding from the world not able to think or feel anything. Most, including myself, would recommend staying at work to have the distraction and keep busy. However, work itself is a stress point. Taking the leave is also troubling as work is the one thing I said I had that was in my control to go right. However, many things have happened at work, which were out of my control, and they have fucked with my mind in different ways. These things have me questioning my support in the workplace, my ability to do the job, my desire to keep the job and/or further the schooling required for certification. My breakup and subsequent loss of him as a friend coupled with the losses of people in my life have left me in a state of grief where I feel I’m not progressing nor processing properly. When I felt I was ready to put myself out there I was met with a scam. Although this isn’t a reflection of me, it has felt like another shot down nonetheless. It’s not that I don’t love myself and have confidence in myself, I just don’t want to live the life I’m living right now.
Hey girl. Thanks for checking in. It sure sounds rough what you’re going thru right now. It’s a relief to hear you’re not suicidal 
but sounds like depression you’re battling? I think it was a good call to take that leave from work.
Sending you hugs girl. If you want to talk, just let me know.
597 days. Am slowly beginning to see the light as I come out of the rabbit hole. I am having weekly sessions with a counselor and have been off work for 3 weeks. I have three and a half more days off before returning to work and I plan to enjoy them one day at a time. I have arrangements in place for the near future to have proper training and mentorship in the work place. The one area I thought I had control in my life wasn’t working and created feelings of being overwhelmed and extremely anxious. I am still not sure if I want to stay at this job nor am I sure if I want to stay living in this town. Neither of those decisions am I ready to make so for now I will do all that I can to make my job the best it can be for me. I am still struggling with the end of my relationship with my ex and subsequent desire for a friendship along with missing the girls. This whole scenario is new for me and I am breaking it down and processing it with my counselor. I no longer believe time heals and have learned that healing takes time.
I am both surprised at and proud of myself for not drinking through any of this. I have smoked a hell of a lot more but for me that was and is expected.
I gave myself permission to be ok with not being ok and I am now beginning to have the desire to be ok. I know I have the strength in me and have asked for help in doing so.
One day at a time I will continue to get better.
This makes my chest feel lighter, if you know what I mean. I know what it’s like to get help when I’m that low place and what it takes to get to that point. Good on you, chica! And to hear that you’re making progress and pulling yourself from the darkness and maybe have some initial steps forward - that’s golden. Hang in there, you’re doing life and life takes work to do it in a fulfilling way. Super proud of you for maintaining your sobriety! 
Oh M. I’m speechless and touched reading this. Like Rosa said, I’m relieved, too. I’m so proud of you in every way! Things are hard but you’re getting help, breaking things down, taking care of yourself. If you can, treat yourself to something nice and relaxing/rejuvenating. You SO deserve it!!!
Hey Michelle!! I haven’t talked to you in a minute 
I’m glad you’re handling things well and doing what you need to be doing for you. I would love for you to join us on a Zoom tomorrow. We’ve had a few extremely phenomenal women’s conversations and I have to say they have been so empowering! We usually don’t do them until after the main Zoom. But it may help a bit to get some women ra ra back up 
PM me if you’d like. We are here for you beautiful 
604 Days & 2 Days NC. Work has flown by the last three days and it has been good keeping my mind busy. My anxiety levels and feelings of being overwhelmed have fluctuated over the past few days. Although work isn’t better per se I am getting some of my spunk back. I know in my heart if it doesn’t get better, after my new Mentor can start, I will walk away. I have come a long way over the past couple of years and I am no longer interested in fighting for comfort. I’m not saying by no means that I won’t leave my comfort zone but when any situation or person has me feeling like I have to fight to feel comfortable I believe the situation or person is of no value to me. Although I haven’t done the greatest previously, I’m attempting the no contact with my ex again. I have decided to only allow myself to contact him for cigarettes. I realized what i feel about him is similar to what I said about fighting for comfort. If he can’t or doesn’t want to make time for me, his time with me is no longer of value and I’m done chasing it. I am very lonely here but I will get through this with or without friends and family around me. The past couple of days have been nice at work as I have someone in assisting and the socialization and conversation is such a bonus. I am such a sociable person and miss being around people. I still am feeling a little cheesy and somewhat hesitant to put myself out there. I’m hoping the upcoming removal of covid restrictions and work with my counselor will help. Like all other things, baby steps works for me.
19 months without alcohol & 3.5 days no contact.
I began writing again. I used to love writing poetry and writing journal type entries about self-reflection. I wrote this today and wanted to put it here so that I can look back on it as a type of advice to myself.
I BELIEVE SCARS ON THE HEART DON’T HEAL. I BELIEVE WE HEAL BY ACCEPTING THE SCARS AND MOVING FORWARD. AS I MOVE FORWARD, I AM ACKNOWLEDGING SOME SCARS ON MY HEART HAVE A COMMON CAUSE. SOME I HAVE CONTROL OVER AND SOME SCARS ARE LEFT AS LOVED ONE’S HAVE LEFT THIS WORLD. I DON’T WANT TO PUT UP WALLS AROUND MY HEART BUT I DO WANT TO LAY BOUNDARIES. I WILL NO LONGER FIGHT FOR COMFORT WITH A SITUATION OR A PERSON. I WILL NO LONGER CHASE SOMEONE’S TIME. I WILL NO LONGER POUR MY LOVE & EFFORTS INTO SOMEONE OR SOMETHING THAT THE LOVE ISN’T RECIPROCATED OR THE SITUATION ISN’T EMOTIONALLY POSITIVE. ALTHOUGH I WILL TREAD CAREFULLY FORWARD, I BELIEVE I WILL FIND SOMEONE THAT LOVES AS HARD AS I DO. I ALSO BELIEVE I WILL FIND MY TRUE INNER HAPPINESS WITH MY SURROUNDINGS. TOGETHER THOSE ARE MY GOALS AND WHAT I LOOK FORWARD TO AS I HEAL.
I’m checking in today as I start over. I don’t know why I keep going back to the bottle but I do. I’m starting over this time with more resolve and I’m going to check out the book everyone has mentioned “the naked mind”. Wish me luck, one day at a time.
TWO YEARS. What a fucken ride but I made it sober. I question whether the worst has happened to me since I got sober. . .I have had a lot go on in my life over the past two years. Whether it is that way or that all this shit is happening & I’m actually dealing with and feeling the feelings. I continue to have to mourn the loss of the living and those who have passed away.
I lost my Dad recently to none other than fucken Fentanyl. Haven’t even began to properly grieve. Was just placed on a leave from work & honestly don’t know if I even want to return. I believe this may be the time that doing nothing is exactly what I need to be doing. Whatever it is that I’m doing, at least I’m doing it sober.
So sad about your dad, Michelle. I’m glad you’re staying strong, and thanks for checking in! Missed seeing you around…
So glad you came to share your 2 years with us, amiga. Sending love and hugs, I am glad you have leave to have space to grieve your dad. So sad to hear. We’re here for you if you need.
My sincere condolences. Fentanyl is taking so many lives and it’s sad to hear it took your dad too. It’s the worst drug ever!!
Congratulations on 2 years! 
I sure hope you can take a moment to reflect on how far you’ve come and celebrate your success.
Congratulations and condolences to you Michelle.
What a rough ride. And you’re still sober. I’m so proud of you. I’m happy you stopped by for a check in. You must be doing a lot right to get where you are.
Bitter sweet 2 years.
Way to go.
You Didn’t think I wasn’t going to get you a gif did ya?
Congratulations on your 2 years f freedom.
Michelle. Very well done
