Congratulations on your 2 years. That’s awesome.
I am sorry for you losing your dad.
I hope you come back more frequently again. I always loved to read you and your journey.
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What can one say in such circumstances? Something like condotiulations? Very sorry for the loss of your dad, very happy for your two years, and just as glad to see you Michelle! Hugs and love.
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25 months sober and am sitting uncomfortably, at the moment, and wanted to journal it. My laptop charger died, new one is on the way, and all of a sudden I can’t create a document on my tablet. . .so here I find myself.
I often sit longing for company yet have no desire to leave my house and most times become anxious at the thought of running into people. My most feared question right now is “How are you?.” Although I live in a small town, I often sit in my house with the blinds drawn because I don’t want anyone to see me. I find this ironic as I truly want to be “seen.” I feel so lost and am truly uncertain what way I even want to go. The further I go along, the more alone I feel. I was doing so well not feeling lonely when alone and it’s like that has been lost somehow through both my dog & my Dad passing.
I went to a family reunion of sorts and it was great to be around family. My ex and his girls joined me and we all had a good time. Was totally wiped out emotionally the one day as we laid the gravestone for my two cousins that we had the services for a year ago. Before even going to the cemetery, I totally lost it and was uncontrollably bawling. It was like day one of losing my Dad all over again. I was able to regain my composure somewhat but my heart noticeably hurts more & I dread going through my Dad’s birthday next month. I know I would tell a friend to celebrate the day but I know myself and will require comfort food, complete laziness and support. I’m still unable to move past mourning and celebrate his life and those who have told me life goes on are anything but helpful.
I am so thankful for my strength in sobriety as life would be a total wreck if I were drinking and I would be unable to process anything I’m going through. I am confident I will get through this, regain my strength and move forward but don’t want to put any timeline on doing so; if I do I immediately feel nauseous. One day at a time.
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Glad to see you here Michelle. It takes what it takes friend. One day at a time and one foot in fron of the other. Big hugs & congrats on 25 months.
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Congratulations on your 25 months of sobriety.
I can understand the feeling of being lonely and wanting to hide at the same time. It’s hard to make changes. They are possible. Baby steps. Sometimes I go to a café alone, reading a bit, watching people living, taking part in outside life and still being fine by myself.
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25 months. Have been doing a lot of self reflection and kinda the good kind not so much the stuck in my head kind. When I view my circumstances from a friend’s perspective I see this. I see this beautiful woman who was getting through and starting to enjoy being single. She had plans for her Dad to move into her small-town home and also purchase a house in Mexico that her Dad could continue to go to for half the year and until she could do so, she would visit as she could. She lost her father unexpectedly and this is/was a traumatic life-altering occurence. No wonder the woman is feeling lost and at the same time needing to be found. Extremely proud she hasn’t drank as that would be the easy way through and the disaster to follow. She is strong and I want to see her get stronger and once again look past today and how lonely today feels. I need to continue to see me from a friend’s perspective.
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25 months. In many ways I am experiencing double the loss right now. Hopefully I will connect with my new counselor next week and can work through this too. Shortly before my father passed away I was informed by my stepfather that we couldn’t have a relationship unless I restored a relationship with my mother. That is something I have no intention of doing and have now lost my stepfather through cutting ties with my mother. I was and still am such a Daddy’s girl and there’s this part of me that feels so extremely empty, raw and in indescribable pain.
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Happy to see you checking in Michelle. I’ve been thinking about you lately.
Congrats on 25 months! That’s fantastic!
Sorry to hear about your losses. Sending you big hugs. 
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I really like that friend’s view point. Definitely stick to that. I’m sorry you’ve lost such important people in your life. You’re still dearly loved. Happy to see you here.
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25 months. Woke up this morning with an overwhelming lonely feeling and am getting ready to settle back into bed. I dreamt again about a kitten sleeping on my squishmallow on my couch and have made it my mission to find myself a new fur baby. Have reached out to a few postings for free kittens and will follow-up after getting some more rest. I’m tired and am determined that the day will get better once I get some more rest.
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I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. 
I am so impressed with your self compassion and empathy. There is much to learn from your post.
I hope you get some extra rest today …grief is so energy draining. Keep us posted re the kitten!! I live vicariously thru others kittens, so I don’t bring one home. 
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25 months. I did something yesterday that has kind of bit me in the ass. I asked someone to commit to a plan to come hang out and spend the night with me. I was using this as somewhat of a test for myself; I wanted to show myself that I could look forward to things and that not all my plans fall apart. I was also wanting to improve my trust in people. Well, I sat up until after 2 in the morning and didn’t hear a dam word from this person! I know I shouldn’t take their actions personally but I’m really struggling with this. How am I supposed to learn to trust others, have faith in my relationships and look forward to things in life when shit like this continues to happen.
On a better note, I got a kitten. His name is Spirit and I think I’m in love. The lil guy cracks me up regularly and despite all the lil scratches around my body I’m really enjoying his presence in my home. I think I’m in love.
I write my final exam next Friday and putting school on hold for a bit thereafter. I’m trying to clear stuff on my plate so I can truly focus on just me for a while and add things back to my plate as I’m comfortable.
Thinking I might just crawl back into bed as 6 hours sleep just doesn’t cut it for me anymore.
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25 months and believe I grew today. I told someone how they hurt me and talked about my feelings. I believe telling someone how they hurt you gives them an opportunity to not repeat it and allows them to get to know you and your boundaries. I also know that telling someone how they hurt you can also be used against you to hurt you again; I was a victim of an abusive relationship. However, I believe I live best when I’m not in fear of repeating the past and instead living within the moments and the present. I feel proud of myself for acknowledging my feelings and sharing them. During a time when I have lil faith in anything, I must have faith within myself.
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28 months+ sober & having a rough one. H.A.L.T. is screaming at me right now as I’m all 4. I am unable to eat right now as my anxiety is so high, I would either puke or have massive diarrhea. My anxiety is partially being fueled by my anger and I am trying to process my feelings of the fucked up shit going on around me, much of which I have no control. I’m not lonely per se but feel so alone right now. I’m definitely tired right as I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. Two decisions are being made about me that I have no input and are out of my control. I want to run & I want to numb. I’m not gonna fucken drink cuz I don’t fucken drink but OMG would I like to. I have safety planned to be with someone today and spend the night together. I need to stay away from my truck and leave all cash or access to $ at home should I go somewhere. One of the decisions is being made tonight at 8 and I am to be notified afterward. I will ensure my safety plan is active before then. I want to go to my screamers hill & let some shit out. I dont trust my anxiety to drive and dont trust my demons to not find myself in a liquor store parking lot. It’s been a bit since the urge was this bad and I’m really digging into my toolbox today. Initially I felt weak for acknowledging the need for a safety plan and am beginning to be proud of myself for making one. May the Creator grant me the strength and guidance to get me through today and lay my sober head on my pillow tonight. Today is minutes at a time.
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Feeling kinda foolish but trying to get the courage up to ask a friend to come take my wallet & cash away for a while.
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Girl, get it done! Feelings pass, remember? Using the skills and tools you know work is what matters right now. You can do this. Sending hugs.
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It really sounds like you’re on top of what you need to and can do to keep yourself safe through this. Your safety in sobriety and just in your life is what is most important right now. Hang in there chica, I am rooting for you. Second by second! You’ve been here before and you’ll get through it again!!!
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Let us know how you’re doing when you can 
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Just packing a bag and walking to a friend’s to stay & spend the night. I’m completely honest with this person so that helps too.
Mucho amore amiga.
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Fuck shit bollocks. What a situation!
Girl, you do WHATEVER it takes to stay sober, safe and sane-ish. Good that you have a friend to stay with. I second Rosa, leave your money behind if that helps.
Whatever decisions ppl make regarding you, it’s only their perspective/opinion of you. You are more than that. It has no effect on your value as a person, although it might effect your situation.
I’m sorry it hurts. Really looking up to you for taking the high road here.
Hugs 
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