114 days. Been reading quite a bit about peeps not making major changes in the first year of sobriety and have become somewhat angry at myself. After my breakdown last year I chose sobriety and chose to leave my partner of 12 years as he chose to keep drinking and I didn’t believe I could stay with him and stay sober. I then chose to move to a different province where I can see my son regularly but have very few friends. I then entered into a relationship with the person I moved in with. It’s like I’ve done everything I wasn’t supposed to yet here I am. I’m starting to see that I haven’t left myself much room to work on and love myself. It’s not like I can turn back time so now I’m sitting here wondering where to go from here. I have daily struggles and try to work through them but am starting to see these struggles wouldn’t be taking place if I wouldn’t have made so many drastic changes in the first place. At any rate, I made my bed & I need to lay in it.
Seriously struggling with one this evening. There have been several assignments not completed and despite my best efforts they still sit there. Sat down and had a small conversation about lying that assignments are done and how it negatively affects her and not me. At the end of the conversation it was basically implied that my help wasn’t wanted. I can’t even imagine how pressured she feels and did to no avail try to discuss this. I feel like somewhat of a failure and at the same time feel anger and once again rejection. I’m really feeling lost in my days and was maybe using her school work as a sense of accomplishment. Now I sit here feeling like I’ve accomplished fuck all. I know I have my sobriety but am really feeling alone and on a deep low. Hopped into an online meeting and no shares really resonated with me. Kind of felt zombie like and now I kinda feel like I’m hiding out until bedtime. What the fuck is the matter with me??? I’m really starting to think I bit off more than I can chew by moving here and entering this relationship. I’m financially fucked and my options are slim to none right now. Not sure I’ve felt this hopeless since I had my breakdown.
It sounds like you feel lost & at your wits’ end. Whether it’s guiding kids through homework and responsibility or guiding yourself through the same thing - it sounds like it’s pretty rough now.
Times like this it’s good to remember that you have one, simple thing to do: stay healthy and sober. Get enough sleep, eat (reasonably) nutritious food, take a shower.
Try to let go of the things that aren’t your responsibilities. You can’t live others’ lives for them. In terms of things that are your responsibility, try to simplify. What absolutely has to be done? What can be trimmed, or postponed, or downsized? Who or what can I turn to for help? (People, services, community centres.) Remember this: you have permission to do anything that is safe and legal, to maintain your health and sobriety. There are no limits other than those. Really let your brain storm & generate every idea you can - go ahead and share with a friend, share with us here! - and you’ll be surprised what solutions you find.
I feel like I just can’t get a break. Not drinking is the easy part. Living life on life’s terms is the struggle. The old me was a runner and those thoughts have been circling through my mind for a while. The fact I don’t have the means to go anywhere or be independent is extremely depressing right now. I don’t wanna run but I don’t wanna stay in the pit.
Hmmm yes I know the feeling of running. You get on edge, restless, unsettled, you want to leap out into something, anything other than where you are right now.
I’m still grappling with that impulse. However - like you - I’ve realized I need to learn to be in the moment more. I’m working on it.
I find meditation talks helpful for this. Have you ever tried some of the talks on Insight Timer? This one is one of my faves:
https://insighttimer.com/MelliOBrien/guided-meditations/self-compassion-meditation-2
I honestly haven’t really tried any form of meditation aside from grounding myself.
May find my headphones 
and check this out later. I feel completely exhausted but know I just won’t sleep well tonight.
I’m sitting here avoiding both child & father right now and it’s a terrible feeling I have. I want to go into the bedroom, close the door and not have to see anyone for the rest of the night! Is that terrible? I just finished telling him I was going for a smoke that I’m not ok with the way things went down today and trying to deal with it. He didn’t say a word and as I’m in the camper smoking I feel like screaming and bawling at the same time. I have a sneaky suspicion my seasonal depression is kicking in & what a better time than when I’m already struggling dealing with life on life’s terms 
118 days. Thankful for somewhat of an uneventful weekend. Had turkey and all the fixens with just the four of us. Been feeling on edge quite a bit over the past few days. Almost feeling like I did at the start of my journey in a cloud of sorts. I’m not looking forward to a new week of online learning and think it’s best if I can pull away and not provide assistance unless asked. This will be very difficult for me as my urge to help and my desire to “mother” are very strong. I’m hoping I’m doing the right thing for me knowing if I take care of myself first other things in my life will be easier to deal with.
Feeling like my thoughts are interrupted so am off to watch a movie and most likely have a nap.
I think @Matt is spot on. I know you have been struggling with your self worth. It is tough living life on life’s terms and I know that feeling.
However, I feel you are tying your sense of worth to other people around you; your partner’s opinion, your children’s acceptance, your daughter’s homework. Your worth is independent, unconditional, amazing.
Remember the Serenity Prayer and please don’t beat yourself up over things you cannot control. Your daughter will do her assignments when she is ready and short of buying a dog, if you haven’t got one already, so she can say it ate her assignments, You can only offer help and if she doesn’t accept it, that is not a rejection of you or a reflection of your worth.
Stay strong, you have achieved so much. 
I’m definitely struggling. Acknowledging that I’m weighing too much on people and things outside myself is one thing. . . moving forward and changing that is another.
Michelle, It is always work in progress. You have been through a lot and there are a lot of changes in your life, so don’t be surprised that your self-estimation (self esteem), ie how you view yourself, has taken a knock. That happens to us, doesn’t it? If, as you suspect, you may have some SAD or other type of depression then it is a struggle to head uphill. Have you seen a doctor about getting or adjusting medication, a lightbox, counselling help etc? You have begun to look after yourself, getting sober is a huge step and now it is time to concentrate on your self care, your self-love and ask for help. 
I was previously on medication for anxiety and depression. Since my initial steps on my sobriety journey I have completely weaned myself off all prescriptions. My view of myself and my self esteem have definitely taken a hit. I have spent the majority of my life trying to live up to other’s expectations and have literally exhausted myself doing so. I am trying to take a good look at myself and rebuild and restructure but it is so easy to fall back into self-sabotaging behavior and the belief of not being “enough”. I need to be enough for me and I’m just not there yet. There are things about myself that I’m learning to let go and change but I’m still really struggling with finding happiness within. I couldn’t be doing any of this if I wasn’t sober. It might be painful and trying but I know it will be well worth it when I can honestly say I love myself because of myself.
119 days. Feeling very optimistic today and really thinking about my power and how I tend to give it away to other’s and/or situations. I’m trying really hard to stay focused on myself and not allow external matters to so heavily influence my mood. It seems odd that I awoke feeling this way and have been contacted for an interview today. The position isn’t something I would have previously applied for and that in itself is a good sign to me. The interview isn’t until later this afternoon and I vow to myself to not allow it to influence my day nor will I be hung up on the outcome. Today I’m feeling ready to regain my power and to minimally or not at all allow others to guide my feelings today.
The interview turned out to be a good ego boost so wasn’t entirely a waste of my time. When the Director of the company came in to interview me he asked if I brought a copy of my resume and I replied that I don’t have a printer. He basically just asked me what my last job was, what I did, what kind of work I’m looking for and when I’m available. Then told me he had enough information and I should hear from him within a week. I walked out of there like WTF just happened. . .was one of the weirdest interviews I have ever had. Told myself how smart I am, what a great asset I would be to any company and how that interview was a waste of my time. I’m so glad I can laugh about it and the fact I did two hours of driving for barely 5 minutes. Onwards and upwards.
120 days. Feeling really low energy today. Got up early and did some reading and video watching. Just not feeling it today and am going to crawl under the covers for a nap. Just plan to take it easy today as that’s what my body seems to be telling me I need.
121 days. Having a much better day today but still a bit foggy in the mind. Came to terms with not working today. I had decided when I left work last year I wasn’t going to even look for work until I was at least 6 months sober. Due to a couple relapses I’m not at 6 months yet. I have come to accept that I have a lot to work on within myself and going to work might just be a distraction I don’t need. I definitely need the money but am going to hand it to the Creator and wait for the right door to open. I also decided today that although I’m not living by myself I’m going to somewhat tackle each day like I am. Not going to worry what others are doing or what they need from me. Going to pay better attention to myself and what I need and how I’m going to busy myself through the day. Not too sure if this is a good selfish but going to try it out for a while anyway. Focusing on making myself happy and being happy with myself are going to be my goals for a while.
Going to check out a new meeting in ITR pretty quick and plan to try some self-love meditation tonight.
124 days. Went to bed feeling lonely last night and woke up feeling worse. Not too sure what’s going on in my mind but it’s really getting to me. Trying to direct my thoughts instead of letting my thoughts direct me but I’m struggling. Certain things said to me lately have stung and at times brought tears to my eyes later when thinking about them. I haven’t brought up what has been effecting me as I don’t want to come across as a whiner or creating unnecessary drama but my heart feels injured. If I don’t say anything I feel like I’m not protecting myself and the thoughts of silent revenge have snuck in. I hate feeling this way and I know it’s up to me to do something about it. Just not sure if my feelings are justified or if I’m making mountains out of mole hills.
125 days. Was able to discuss my feelings yesterday and bring some issues out in the open. Being in a new relationship while healing myself is certainly an eye opener. Many of my insecurities have been brought to light and I’m so thankful for having a partner who is patient and understanding. It’s odd how sometimes when I put my feelings into words I realize how absurd some of my thoughts are. Woke up feeling somewhat refreshed today and am not ready to give up. I am doing the best I can right now and need to accept that I have no control over when and where I may gain employment. All I can do is my best and apply for positions that I feel matched for. My partner is being extremely supportive and continues to remind me how appreciated I am. I need to accept and allow his care. I keep thinking of stuff I’ve read in the Big Book about financial worries and am trying really hard to see this as both a learning experience and a building block for me. I also need to accept that this new normal isn’t normal and have faith that the world around me will be restored to a form of normalcy that I can find comfort in. I know with my anxiety that right now is difficult as there are many things that are out of my control. I need to repeat the serenity prayer and find peace within my current situation. I know things can only get better and if I can find peace and happiness right now later will be miraculous.
127 days. Kinda just coasted through yesterday. The day was pretty much uneventful but I did some more self reflection. I’m slowly realizing how often I have feelings of rejection that really aren’t justified. I’ve been working hard on dropping expectations but the nasty feelings of rejection keep creeping in. Yesterday I was able to sit in the feeling and pretty much picked it apart until I was laughing at & with myself. Before allowing all the feelings of rejection to flow I’m going to question the situation. I have been repeating an affirmation daily about being enough and it has been doing me a lot of good.