129 days. Still on the rollercoaster of emotions but trying to ride it out the best I can. Right now I’m very edgy and irritable feeling. Despite trying to think it through I’m stumped on this one today. Think I’m going to look for some sort of “chick-flick” and see if I can’t rid these feelings with a cleanse of tears. If that doesn’t help or if it does lol I’m gonna crawl under the covers for a nap. Either way I’m accepting this test today and will either get to the bottom of it or through it.
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130 days. Had a pretty good and somewhat productive day today. We have a bit of a mouse problem and had to clean out a closet and put in baseboards. I’m beginning to realize my man has a wee bit of a hoarding problem. There was not one but two full size garbage bags of mismatched socks. They are still sitting in the hallway waiting for him to decide what to do with them. He comes from a family of fourteen so I understand hanging onto certain clothing etc. but the socks took me by surprise. I told him I’m not belittling him but would like him to work with me on letting some things go.
Just finished a nice taco supper and going to watch a family movie. Kinda hoping the girls go to bed early tonight so we can have some adult downtime. Either way, it will be a good night.
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A family of 14? That’s crazy! I’d love to know what that was like!
Pffftttt. . .no encouragement on keeping the socks lol
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131 days. Slept in this morning and enjoyed a coffee at almost lunchtime! Took the girls to the city to check out the Spirit of Halloween and then to McDonald’s. Was a good outing. Just finished the 2nd animated movie and bedtime for the girls soon. Gonna take a lil me time & then finish watching a movie we started last night. Was so good living in the moments of today.
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Did you buy anything at Spirit Halloween? I love that store but very pricey. I like it better the day after Halloween when everything is on sale. lol
Are the girls going out trick or treating this year? Our town is leaving it up to families. They tell us kids will only be going to houses that have a light on outside. Those that don’t feel safe giving candy should turn their lights off. A lot of towns around us have cancelled.
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Went there as more of a window shopping experience 
. They are quite expensive but have some interesting costumes. I had to detour through the store a few times as the displays kinda freaked the wee one out. I just took her hand and told her to lead the way. Haven’t quite decided about trick or treating yet. Want to give them some form of normalcy but also want to keep them safe.
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132 days. Having internal struggles today. I’m feeling like an intruder in my own home and feeling very melancholy. Being a step-parent isn’t easy and I’m really struggling with it today. I feel like my lil world is being controlled by a nine-year- old and I don’t know how to snap my mind out of this funk. I’ve been doing a lot of reading on the subject and instead of feeling better I’m feeling worse. I’m having a hard time even being present today and am questioning my strength within this relationship. We have had discussions several times about the need for my man to talk to his oldest daughter and yet no such conversation has taken place. I understand her fears of losing her Dad’s love and have done anything and everything in my power to assure her that won’t happen and have been telling her how much I care about her. She is constantly complaining about her life lately and often points toward me as the cause. I honestly thought I would handle this better but feel like I’m crumbling.
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I wish I had some great advice for you but know that you’re doing awesome with your sobriety. You’re constantly being tested and you continue to stay sober. Your situation is not easy at all and I admire your strength. Hang in there and remind yourself that a drink will only make the situation worse. 
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133 days. Woke up and started the day off feeling frustrated and angry. As much as I love my man I don’t know how much longer I can handle this. His daughter is driving me batty already this morning with her smart ass back talking and total disrespectful attitude. I’m getting really tired of saying something to her and then her turning it around and complaining to her Dad about what I’ve said. I knew getting into an intimate relationship with a single father wasn’t going to be easy but I never dreamt it was going to be this hard. I feel like I’m constantly biting my tongue lately and removing myself all too often. If I had the means I honestly think I would be looking for my own place right now. I know it’s in my power to handle this better but I’m really at my wits end and pretty much ready to give up. I’m tired of feeling like this and I’m not too sure how else to deal with it right now but to walk away. When I think about that my heart hurts and tears well up in my eyes but I really don’t know what else to do. I’m tired of being the wicked stepmother and having my emotions focused on being treated like shit by a nine year old. I also don’t feel comfortable about talking to my man about it lately as I’m starting to feel like a whiner. I’m supposed to be the adult in this scenario. This may be living life on life’s terms but I’m really starting to doubt that this is the life I want.
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Does she live full time with you? That’s a tough spot to be in. Why is she so angry with you? I wonder if there’s something you two could do together that would be fun or something.
Sorry, I’m not much help. I feel you though.
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Yes she lives with us. My man is a single father of a nine-year-old and a soon to be four-year-old. I believe that she has some abandonment issues and resentment towards her mother. Both girls have been with their father full-time since the baby was under one. I think she views me as competition at times but she also acts quite angrily to her sister. I have been a step-child and have been a step-parent twice previously. I have never experienced anything like this & despite my best efforts it’s really eating me up. I think I may start a thread asking others if they have had difficulties with stepchildren and how they got through it. I just know biting my tongue isn’t working anymore and loosing my shit on her isn’t an option. I don’t have the urge to drink but this has been one of the most trying and negative situations I’ve found myself in since getting sober.
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I can imagine, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. 
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134 days. Had an almost break through last night with my oldest stepdaughter. She commented that she is angry & frustrated lately. She was asked why and she said that Michelle angers and frustrates her and Raven (her little sister) frustrates her. When asked why she went quiet. I asked her if she would like me to leave so she could talk with her Dad and she said no. . .further saying she didn’t feel comfortable talking about it. I told her that nothing she could say would be wrong as they are her feelings. I further stated I know the feelings she’s having can’t feel good and that sometimes talking about it helps. She didn’t say anything else but was told when she’s ready to talk we’re there to listen. The best was her cuddling up into me for family movie time. The emotions flowing through my body were unbelievable and I’m grateful for my sobriety granting me the ability to get through it. She is a sad, angry little girl and my heart bleeds for her as I visit the lil girl in me who has stepmother issues and trauma. As I am working through this with my stepdaughter, I’m realizing I’m working on the lil girl in me too. Acknowledging the hurt she holds while witnessing the hurt of my stepdaughter has definitely given me a sense of healing. This is not going to get over quickly. . .my anxiety and beer bitch brain need to fuck off. . .there is no way I could abandon either lil girl now. . .letting go & letting Great Spirit
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My heart is pounding like it’s going to come out of my chest and I feel like I’m going to puke. I can’t be sure until I talk to him but I think my man’s fantasy world may have crossed over to his social media. This probably will only make sense to me and that’s ok. I need to get this dreadful feeling of betrayal dealt with. Best case scenario the “friend” was there before and I didn’t notice. Worst case scenario is they have become “friends” and are communicating. Either way I don’t like having to travel down this path of mistrust. I feel like I’m breaking and I don’t even know the truth yet. Today has been yet another fucken rollercoaster of emotions kinda day and I’m looking forward to going to bed early.
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135 days. Living life on life’s terms is certainly testing me. I don’t want to drink but need something to easen up. Found out last night that my Dad has liver cancer. My sister and I found out from people other than him. I am in total shock as I wasn’t aware he was going for an MRI. I am in a fog & rather rough around the edges this morning. Can see a lot of resting happening in my day today. I feel physically and mentally drained.
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Sorry to hear about your dad. And the way you found out. I don’t understand that generation that hides things like health issues from their children. ( it might not be a generation. I just don’t know what to call it). It’s so frustrating.
Continue passing life’s tests and do make time for yourself. Great job on your 135 days. It sounds like a good meditation is in order. Or a nice walk.
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Thanks. Probably loose myself in a movie or book for a while and then take a nice nap.
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136 days. Still feeling a little fuzzy and overall blah. It felt good yesterday to give myself permission to not be ok. I think it’s the first time in a long time that I didn’t fight being ok and completely accepted how I was feeling. There are so many unknowns in my father’s diagnosis and patience is required at this time. He has asked that nobody contact him right now as he doesn’t want to be bombarded with questions and concerns that he himself doesn’t know the answers to. Unfortunately this includes no contact from my sister and I as well. Part of me is angry and part of me is hurting knowing that he confided in and continues to communicate with my cousin about everything going on. I guess it’s fair to say that part of me is jealous. I’m not worried about analysing these feelings as they are what they are. Spent the majority of the day yesterday alone and removed. Today I don’t know if I need another one of those days or if I feel like interacting and socialising. Right now I just want to be held & hear that everything’s going to be ok.
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137 days. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I be happy with what I have. Why am I always wishing for “more” out of my relationship? If I had the means, I know in my heart I would have left by now. I may not be an easy person to love but I want more than what I’m getting. I know I have no power or control over his actions but I feel like I’m chasing affection. I keep telling myself it will get better and it hasn’t. I messaged him yesterday that I miss him and feel lonely even though the house is full. He didn’t respond to my messages nor did he act any differently. I feel like I may as well have not said anything and went to bed last night feeling lonelier than ever. I have no money to get out and do anything today and it’s so fricken windy that spending time outside isn’t an option. Not too sure what the heck to do with myself and feel like my heart’s breaking.
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