Im 11 days sober today and waking each morning without a hangover is awesome. I have to work whis morning then going to visit my sister-in-law for a swim. The husbandsvwill arrive later for dinner and i know my brother in-law will offer me a drink for happy hour and im already practicing my no thank yous and what i should say. I dont want to be tempted to have a drink and the positive thing is my sister-in-law doesnt really drink so thats helpful. It will be a busy day but im sure fun too.
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32 months+ sober. As I reflect on what feels like a fairly uneventful long day, I go to bed feeling proud of myself. I learned today that I believe others take my good qualities for granted as they appear to judge my weaknesses. I am proud to be able to accept others’ faulty perceptions of me. I am proud to love myself while accepting my flaws, that others can no longer use against me. I am proud of the courage to change the things i want to & proud to not hold others responsible for my flaws. I accept where I am on this journey of healing & I will not drink because I don’t drink.
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32 months+ sober. As I lay in a spot I layed a surprisingly pounding beer bitch brain almost 3 years ago, I am thankful for coming full circle as I reflect on me today. I have had a bit of a rollercoaster day, in my own head, as I voiced this morning I must be careful what I pray for. This morning & earlier this afternoon I was overwhelmed with the signs and blessings. Again I am reminded of the importance of one day at a time, staying in the moment & doing what I need to and what I want to AND feeling the feelings while not staying in them. I am thankful for my personal awareness but at times I admit its emotionally tiring. I used to complain about being sick & tired of being sick & tired and noticed when I layed the bottle down I was no longer frequently sick or tired. Now my heart is tired and in need of healing and having faith in people in my circles. Today would’ve been my furbaby’s 16th birthday. He hasn’t been gone a year and I almost feel like I didnt even have time to grieve the loss. I know in my heart where he is & I know he is with his mother, my late father and other paws that crossed our pathes. Today my heart hurts as I don’t want to need anyone but know I don’t want to be alone. This afternoon will be taken one step at a time as I’m thankful for today & will walk through it slowly. I won’t drink because I don’t drink & I will pay attention to my heart.
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33 months+ sober. Had some real uncomfortable moments today. Although I didnt feel like drinking I was aware I was looking for something to soothe myself. I was “triggered” by another person’s words & actions and was able to verbalize how I was feeling. How this person reacted wasn’t what I expected and after they left my house I knew I was in survival mode. I’m thankful for my awareness and I’m extremely grateful to have a friend I can talk to about past trauma, behaviors and healing ways. I’m still shocked how my growth can bring pleasure while feeling so much pain. I want to feel pride for my awareness of unhealthy behaviors but I don’t think my heart has healed enough yet. I want to know I am enough & I am worth it and ODAAT I’m getting there. I won’t drink because I don’t drink & I’m committed to healing my heart on this journey.
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33 months+ sober. As I sit in my pj’s and do some reflecting, I’m feeling confused. My head has felt pressure (due to atmospheric changes) most of the day and although it’s not a new feeling per se, it adds to a racing sober mind. I ponder what is considered too long to sit with uncomfortable feelings. . .I ponder what it means to process and not get stuck in “it”. I’ve been told I’ve leveled up in my recovery, but today I feel a lil lost in my own mind. Sharing this is somewhat uncomfortable as I am unable to adequately put into words what I’m feeling. I know that I didn’t have a bad day today just that it was off somehow. I’m thankful that tomorrow is a new day. Today I’m laying my sober head on my pillow knowing my heart is healing as my mind is racing. I won’t drink because I don’t drink & I’m committed to my healing journey.
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33 months+ sober. As I sit on my couch watching my boys race around me I am filled with both love & laughter. I did as I wanted & needed to this afternoon. I continue to reflect on my sober journey and wow I have grown. As I embrace the pride for allowing myself to truly feel the feelings, I could have been encouraged to express or provided a safe place to express previously, I sit in my house amazed at the beautiful woman that I’ve become trying to forgive myself. I can only try my best and as I work on these “shadows”, that are part of me, I will continue to have faith in myself. Through my faith in the Creator, I shall continue to grow one day at a time. Through prayer and persistence I will meet up with my inner child and together we will continue the journey of life, living life on life’s terms. I will continue to try my best keeping my eyes, ears, mouth, touch and steps in my lane, positive, in my best interests without harming other beings. I will continue healing and I will not drink because I do not drink.
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So so beautiful!
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Thanks. . .I belive you may have virtually watched me grow!?
Yes! I’ve been here for six years I think. I’m so happy that you have found some peace and self-compassion. Recovery is such a gift, and I know you put a lot of efforts into yours.
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Thanks for “being here.” I am grateful for your presence along my journey.
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So happy for you Michelle. It’s been a pleasure watching you grow into that beautiful woman staring back at you in the mirror. Thank you for sharing your journey.
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OMG. . .that means a bunch to me. Don’t even get me started on you girl. I’m not certain I could adequately express, in any form, how grateful I am for your understanding, encouraging, honest, supportive, non-judgmental presence on my journey while showing me healing is possible. I LOVE you from the bottom of my heart 
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33 months+ sober & what an amazingly beautiful day I had. I was able to pray on and off throughout the day. Through a “sista’s” encouragement I found my way & was able to kneel, sit, stand, hug a tree, pray, pray some more, shed some tears & tell my Dad how much I love him and know he loves me and will always be “here” with me. Not quite sure if I’m allowed to share this here but I know its what fed my inner child today and how I fed my ancestors.
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34 months+ sober. The path I’m on continues to be filled with obstacles & yet here I sit, although exhausted, in disbelief that not only have I remained sober I haven’t abused any pharmaceuticals nor narcotics. I recently ended up driving myself to emergency, against recommendations, to receive a shot of a non-narcotic, supplied the same in pill form & be sent home almost immediately as a doctor wasn’t on call until the next morning! I truly thought the same hospital the next day wouldnt trigger me. Not surprisingly as I layed on the x-ray table I began free flow crying as I was instructed to lay in the fetal position. What did surprise me is that I was telling my Dad I didn’t want to be there, telling him I just wanted to go home. All of this allowed me to reach back out to my addiction counselor who was thankfully in that day, in the same building as emergency, and I was squeezed in the following morning for a phone appointment. Between the pain, the hospital triggers & the rest of it I was completely exhausted and unable to sleep. I was kinda surprised to find that I have a degenerative disc disease but just hearing that brought so much clarity to so much phsyical discomfort over so many years. Thankfully I am sleeping better, able to somewhat lessen the pain but am so frustrated and irritable lately that I’m even annoying myself. I have a follow-up next Tuesday and I will go from there. I’m almost positive this is the same thing my Dad was going through as he waited to find out if he needed surgery on his spine. No matter what, I am following in my father’s footsteps as I am my Dad’s daughter. I will continue to fight the good fight & will do my best tomorrow for the psych appointment, I’ve been dreading for months. I will pray again tomorrow for some relief in the obstacles while living life on life’s terms. I’m thankful to be living and look forward to yet another light at the end of yet another tunnel. ODAAT I am a beautiful, smart, strong, powerful woman & I do my best to have faith that I’ve got this.
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Good for you for staying sober through the tough times. I’m really impressed with how you handled the trigger. No shame in asking for help when needed and you did just that. Huge win!
Sorry to hear about your degenerative disc disease. I feel your pain. I have the same diagnosis and had surgery a few years ago on 2 discs. What a relief. I still have pain but at least I can function now.
Anyway, glad to see you checking in and still kicking sobriety ass.
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Michelle, thank you for sharing this struggle. Your experience is a shining example of how to take care of yourself and sobriety by using your recovery tools. Thank you. Inspiring.
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I would LOVE to chat with you through texting or something about it, sometime soon. Please PM me or whatever you call it on here.
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34 months+ sober. Today’s journey to my appointment didn’t go as planned but the drive went better than expected as I ended up being a passenger. I’m seriously needing time to process what has been suggested as a “plan” going forward. Although financial concerns will be somewhat alleviated I’m not sure I want to fill my body and essentially my mind with more pharmaceuticals. I have questions about whether this is a short-term stabilization plan or if this is suggested as something long term. Either way it’s not even close to the “plan” I imagined would be suggested. My mind is racing and craving a distraction and/or a deep sleep. Hopefully both will come along before the day is over. I’m giving myself a day to do as little as possible tomorrow. Hopefully I am able to re-energize and see and feel more clearly. For now I will make myself a cider & relax as much as I can given the emotional drain & the physical pain.
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34 months+ sober. Yesterday and today I had some difficult discussions with people close in my circle. I have asked for their support in walking away from my desire for an intimate relationship with someone who isn’t even a good friend. I have struggled with walking away from this person on & off for too long. Like the bottle, I have lost myself, my boundaries, my sense of worth, my self respect and most importantly my self love. Not sure if it’s my brain that caught up with my heart or vice versa. With everything else going on with me, this is the best time to focus on me and completely lose focus of him. I’m not denying my feelings but am feeling kinda flat this time. I have gone from being so overwhelmed to once again viewing this as a fork in my path along my journey. With friends & loved ones by my side, this too I will get through and be stronger for it. ODAAT I will live life on life’s terms and I won’t drink because I don’t drink . I will continue to be aware of potential for further development of addictive & unhealthy behaviors and I will continue to talk about it.
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34 months+ sober. As I live life on life’s terms the past couple of weeks I find myself frequently in flight or fight mode or fear. I am uncomfortable physically right now & while reflecting and aware I notice I’m irritable and angry. If i didn’t know better, I feel like I’m 34 days+ sober, nevermind months, let alone years. I am often identifying a lack of trust & an angry version of acceptance of living life on life’s terms. I am an independent woman and being required to ask others for help with simple tasks hasn’t been easy. At times I push myself through a task only to be physically hurting more later. At times I acknowledge my inability to complete the task and find myself in tears. My financial situation this past year is an entire story on it’s own with it’s own struggles and repercussions. Yet here I sit in my home, where I feel safe in my own space in disbelief my Dad has been gone over a year. I feel somehow like i was in a fog the entire year while continuing to experience trauma and some fucked up situations. I’m thankful I’m here to tell my story. I’m confident and somewhat aware I’m fighting a similar path of my father & my cousin. I’m angry & stubborn in that I vow to not leave this world in the way they did. Tonight I lay my sober head on my pillow knowing tomorrow is a new day.
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