My heart breaks for you Michelle. You’re going through a lot right now, especially not knowing everything about you dad. Has he shown any compassion at all with that situation? You deserve a lot of love and support right now. Can you go spend some time with your sister just to get out for a little bit? Sending you strength and love. 
1 Like
Unfortunately my sister is two provinces away. If I had the means I would get away & visit anywhere other than here right now.
1 Like
139 days. Feeling a bit better today. Had somewhat of a conversation with my man after reading him my last post. At least I know I’ve been honest and he knows where I’m coming from. I talked about my insecurities and fear of abandonment. Between my doubts in our relationship and my fears of my Dad’s diagnosis it has been a whirlwind lately. He commented that it makes him sad that I feel this way. Both yesterday and today he has been more affectionate and attentive and I greatly appreciate it.
3 Likes
141 days. Had another day of putsing and cleaning yesterday. Today I’m wanting some alone time. My oldest stepdaughter is draining me with her heightened emotions. Her new thing is to say how angry or upset she is and that she doesn’t want to talk about it. Her father told her this morning if she’s not going to talk about it, quit bringing it up & stop being grouchy to others. Not sure if this is the best response but it worked for me. I just don’t want to deal with her attitude today. It’s not that I don’t acknowledge it nor care, I just don’t have the energy today. She is so damn negative the past while and I just need to remove myself for a bit. Unfortunately I have agreed to stay with the girls today and tomorrow so my man can go help his cousin. I will get through it but am sure I’ll need to reenergize afterward. Plan to take the time I have, before my man heads out, to myself.
2 Likes
Well. . .went from bad to worse. Found a pic she drew this morning saying she hated me & she left a note saying I hate you in our bedroom. I have asked my man to take her with him this afternoon. I still haven’t heard a word from my Dad and that’s weighing on my mind as well. Just finished a book, going to go do some breathing and nap. By the time I wake, it will be just me & the wee one in the house. Looking forward to it.
3 Likes
Yikes; that’s really awful. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. I’m not sure how I would handle it, probably not as good as you. Hugs, hun.
2 Likes
I’m really not sure how good I’m handling it. Some days I feel like I’m going to crack! Right now I’ve had some time to think but I think I’m going to play a bit of the cold shoulder. If asked why, I will tell her she hurt my feelings and I don’t enjoy talking with people that hate me. As I go over it in my head it sounds immature but I also think that she’s 9. They should be home soon so less than a few hours before bedtime for her. Think I’ll hop in the tub with my new book shortly after they walk in the door. I just can’t believe the words and actions of this lil girl are affecting me so much. I guess they wouldn’t matter if I didn’t care and I know my caring goes deep.
3 Likes
142 days. Today could prove to be an interesting day. My man is heading out for the day to help his cousin and I will be at home with the girls. If/when opportunity arises today I am going to have a heart to heart with the oldest. I talked with a couple friends yesterday and I talked with my man when he got home. Turns out she thought her Dad was cheating on her Mom with me! Her Dad explained to her that he isn’t with her Mom anymore and that her Mom has been with another man for over 3 years. He also talked to her about not being mean to me. Kinda worked in my favor as she attempted to be nice last night & I played the cold shoulder. I believe it layed a good foundation for today’s conversation. Hopefully today goes well and we can just move forward.
4 Likes
143 days. Not quite right the last two days. A bit of an upset stomach and a headache. Off to bed early in hopes of it straightening out
1 Like
146 days. It has been almost two weeks since hearing the news of my Dad’s diagnosis and I have yet to hear a word from him. I sent him a message asking if we could talk about the weather or something and that I miss him. I can see that he’s read it & still no reply. My heart feels very heavy and I’m really on edge. I feel like crying and screaming and am at a loss of what to do with myself today. I have no desire to start any projects and feel frustrated with any type of cleaning. Trying to interact as minimally and positively as I can with the girls today. I feel like a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off. Thinking a nice warm bath with my book and then a nap is my best option. Really want this feeling to pass but know it won’t really settle until I hear from my Dad. All I can do is wait.
4 Likes
147 days. Sitting here thinking about what frame of mind I was in a year ago. Cognitively and emotionally I have come a long way. At this time last year I was preparing myself to completely say goodbye to my partner of 12 years. I had not been living with him for over two months and had moved a province away. I loved him very much but believed I could not stay sober staying with him as he too is an alcoholic. It seemed like anytime I spoke with him on the phone I was left feeling sad or mad. I had proposed in an email to him that maybe it would be best for us to discontinue any form of contact. I can remember thinking and wishing that he would say he couldn’t do that because he loved me and wanted me to come home. He had not replied and I recall having a sleepless night. The next day when he replied I was not prepared for his words. He basically agreed to stop all contact and wished me well. After rereading his email several times I decided I was either driving to his house (8 hours away) or I was driving to the closest town’s liquor store. I was 105 days sober. I am thankful today that I didn’t drive to his house and although the choice of relapse wasn’t right I learned a lot from it. I only drank the one day & essentially drowned my sorrows only to have to face them head on the next morning. Initially I thought I lost a part of me when our relationship was officially over. Today I realize that is the day I gained a part of me back and layed a foundation for my future growth. I am nowhere close to where I want to be but with the pandemic and all I’m not surprised. I am making progress and that is the most important thing. Ugly emotions don’t require drowning and I’m living life on life’s terms without the crutch of alcohol.
4 Likes
These are really great–great thread. One cool thing I see is that you are so much more able to reflect on your life and feelings in sobriety, and that that is a desirable thing and one I want. Like reading your post made me realize, “Hey, I have these feelings and desires to use, but what I’m really feeling is tiredness, disappointment in myself, regret, shame, physically being run down because I haven’t taken care of myself very well, etc.” Thanks for helping me see that those are feelings and they are separate and that I actually can address them and deal with them in other ways. And that those ways are way better than using. Thanks!
1 Like
148 days. Heading to the city to do a big grocery shop. Looking forward to it as the girls’ Uncle is going to babysit. It’s not often we get time to ourselves so I’m going to make the best of it. For some reason I feel real lovey dovey today. Going to go with it and share the love at every possible moment.
2 Likes
149 days. Feeling a bit lazy today and I’m ok with that. Did a bit of tidying up and got some laundry on the go.
Yesterday, while my man was picking up his brother to babysit I eavesdropped part of a video chat between my oldest stepdaughter and her mother. She told her mother several lies including how mean I am to her and her sister. When my man came home, I told him what I heard and the three of us went into the bedroom and had a chat. She was confronted on her lying and was again told that lying about and being mean to me isn’t going to be tolerated. I wrapped her in my arms and told her I loved her. I told her that her Dad will always love her and be there for her. I also shared with her that when I was her age I had a really mean stepmother. I told her how much it hurt me to think that she views me in the same way. I decided I’m going to write a list of the things I like about her and the things I enjoy doing with her; possibly today’s project. After returning from the city, my man’s ex called and was bitching at him about me and the way I treat her babies. It took my all to not tell her to fuck off and remind her that I care & do more for her babies than she ever has. Anyway, she has asked for a conversation with the three of them. I guess we’ll see how this plays out, but I know it’s going to be trying. I am doing my best in the situation and trying to keep calm and not let my feelings fester.
My sister is calling later this afternoon and I’m looking forward to hearing from her. Neither one of us have spoke with our Dad yet and I think it may do us both good to share how we’re feeling.
2 Likes
150 days. Kinda having a “blank” sort of feeling day. Had a nice bath & just waiting for a friend from back West to call. It will be nice to talk with a friend about my wicked stepmother situation. Last night she told her Dad her life was so much better before I moved in. Unfortunately he didn’t question her further but I later did. I asked her to think about what things were better before I moved in; follow-up conversation yet to be had. It bothers me that I’m sitting in these “victim” feelings for so long and believe this too shall pass. It’s not that I can’t or won’t deal with it, it’s I don’t wish to be in this situation and it hurts on a daily basis.
Had a good chat with my sister yesterday and realized how important it is to do that more often. Even just a quick check in when there are so many miles between us makes a huge difference to me.
Not sure how the rest of the day is going to play out but I’m just going to ride it. . .sober 
3 Likes
151 days. Feel like I’m going to lose it but not going to drink. My stepdaughter has continued on her warpath and I’m literally at my wits end. My body is riddled with anger and sadness. I have spoke to my man and am calling health services on Monday to ask for their advice and hopefully book some counselling sessions for this young lady. I don’t plan on going anywhere but I’m no longer able to stand here and just take it as if it’s “just a phase.” This is the hardest struggle I’m having with my sobriety and my sanity.
This is her newest addition to expressing her feelings and was left out for me to see prior to going to bed last night. Needless to say I’m lacking sleep and am full of anxiety.
3 Likes
Wow Michelle!! That’s a horrible situation. Unfortunately, I don’t have any advice but I did wanna let you know I’ve been reading your thread and my heart breaks for you. That teen has some hatred that needs to be addressed. Glad to hear you’re making the effort to try and get her some help. Something her parents should have done long before you came into her life. It probably goes back to her never dealing with the divorce and now she’s taking it out on you. Sending you love and strength. 
1 Like
Wow; that’s really awful. I personally wouldn’t stay in the house!
I’m glad you’re looking into getting her help.
1 Like
If I leave, I am only giving her what she wants, essentially to get rid of me. Although it is extremely hard I can’t give up on her BUT I can take a break. I had a lengthy chat with my man this morning. I told him I will deal with this but right now I need to just back away as my heart is really hurting. It makes it so difficult when she is so kind and loving one minute and so brutally hateful the next. I have to keep reminding myself that she is only 9 years old and she needs to heal from her parents’ separation. When I call health services on Monday I’m hoping they might refer me to some form of counseling as well. I have 3 stepchildren within my previous relationships and not one of them was anywhere near this difficult. I hate to say it but dam would I like to get drunk right now and just escape.
3 Likes
I hope it goes well. Parents splitting up can be hard on children and need adjusting to. It was good thinking to arrange counselling for your daughter. It shows you are looking after her. Now look after yourself!
1 Like