Her parents have been separated for over 3 years. These behaviors have really surfaced over the past few months and have gotten worse as time passes. I’m honestly not sure how to handle it and am on the verge of tears on a daily basis lately. I’m hoping that I can get some help for myself on Monday as I’m literally falling apart and haven’t had this strong of an urge to “escape” in a long time. I am trying to safety plan for myself today and just make it through. Right now I think I’m just going to go cry myself to sleep.
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152 days. Barely coasted through the day yesterday and spent a lot of it in bed and crying. The 3 of us sat down to talk last night and it really boils down to her thinking I’m going to take her Dad away from her. Many of her thoughts and reasons for her behaviour have no backing. When she was asked if/when I have ever been mean to her the only time she could say was a day months ago and I called her a jerk. She had been being rude to her lil sister and I called her out on it. I think it proved not only to her but to myself that I have been trying my best and have been very good to her. Her Dad has taken her tablet away for a while and hopefully that will help. YouTube and the rest of that shit is too impressionable for such a young mind. She has agreed to “try” and be friends and we will see how it goes.
Woke up today feeling rather needy and longing for intimacy. Need to work up the courage and talk to my man about this. I’m sure a lot has to do with how deflated and alone I was feeling yesterday. I feel like I could just be held in his arms all day and today that wouldn’t be enough.
My ex-girlfriend (partner from years back, friends for 30+) contacted me today and it felt so good to hear from her & how proud she is of me. Sounds like there may be a good chance of her coming for a visit. I told my man she commented on coming to visit and he didn’t really say much. Should she indicate that she is really coming I will need to talk to my man about how he feels about it. This woman and I have a lengthy history that my alcohol use put a real damper on our relationship. Even when not together we were very affectionate with each other. My previous partner didn’t have any problems with it and is actually the only guy my ex-girlfriend ever kissed. I need to make sure I don’t hurt/harm my man in any way so need to be very open and honest about potential scenarios should she visit and possibly restrictions/boundaries I need to put in place to respect my man. Will cross that bridge if/when I come to it but the thought of such a conversation with my man kinda makes me giggle.
Need to go get doing something that involves using my brain and somewhat my body. May just read here for a bit first.
Holy shit. . .fucken rollercoaster took me for a ride but I told the bitch beer brain to fuck off and I’m sober.
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153 days. Having a much better day today all the way around. I can really feel the love today and it’s amazing how feeling loved can just make everything better. Been doing some putsing around cleaning and got laundry on the go. Going to go for my geriatric nap and hopefully have a nice rest. Plan to make chicken stir-fry for supper and then find a new movie for the family to watch. Today I am grateful for my blended family even through the hard times. We will grow together.
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154 days. Had an amazing sleep in today; wasn’t enjoying my 1st coffee until 11!!! The love is in the air again today and it’s feeling good. We have to make a trip out of province and have made arrangements for a sitter for the girls and pets. Feel a lil giddy at the thought of getting away for a couple nights without the girls and am totally going to enjoy it. Not sure if it’s the whole end of the retrograde or what but I feel like an emotional cloud has been lifted. Discussed this morning how I want to celebrate my six months sobriety 
. Feels so good to know this milestone is just around the corner.
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161 days. I’m just not feeling it lately. After coming home from our lil trip it was like my mind did a total shift. I am questioning my life and situation constantly. COVID has put a real damper on building myself back up. I’m still not working, despite multiple resumes sent, and it’s really taking a toll on me. I normally enjoy spending the majority of my time at home but lately I just feel stuck and unhappy. I’ve noticed I’m extremely irritable the past few days and this I know is related. I’m unable to pinpoint areas that need improvement as I feel like my whole life needs an overhaul. I know these feelings will pass but I’m feeling like I’m in a pit that I just can’t seem to crawl out of. I’m also extremely fatigued. Not sure if it’s cuz I’m bored or if my body really needs the rest. Going to crawl back into bed with my book and pass some time. I HATE feeling like this.
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My man just came home to tell me he starts a security job on the res next week somewhat like border patrol. It is from 5pm-1am. I’m honestly pissed as hell right now. The oldest and I still aren’t getting along the greatest and I don’t want to deal with the headaches of trying to get the girls to eat & trying to get them to go to bed at a decent fucken time. I just don’t want to do it and it pisses me off that he accepted this without even talking to me. I’m so pissed right now I’m vibrating. Tried to give myself some space and he brings the lil one in to nap with me. I got up and walked away and now I’m the bad guy. Fuck I hate my life right now.
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Sooooo. . .we argued. I told him to find a sitter and he told me to leave. In anger I went online right away looking at places to rent. Made an appointment and looked at a dinky apartment. It’s not the greatest place but I could basically move in tomorrow. I know I’m acting on emotions and impulse right now so seriously need to take a breathe and sit on this for a while. I won’t do it but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to drink right now. Trying to put some choice words into a text to send him and right now plan to avoid all 3 of them to the best of my ability. Thinking I don’t want to avoid him but want to talk to him but as that plays out in my head, tears well up in my eyes and all the old insecurities come flooding in. Guess I’ll sit as comfortable as I can in the uncomfortable for a bit. Should it become too uncomfortable I may see if I can stay somewhere else for the night.
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Oh man, this whole scenario sucks. I’m surprised he said to leave because you guys were disagreeing on a major contentious point! He knows how hard you’ve been trying to resolve it!
I’m going to keep my opinion to myself because I’m thinking in the heat of the moment…
You’re not being unreasonable.
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I honestly don’t know if I can handle being alone with the girls for that time period daily. Now I’m sitting here going from “that” to “this” and sitting with this is uncomfortable. It’s like I lost everything by that one sentence. Went from feeling wanted and welcome to unwelcome, angry and one foot out the door. Part of me wants to move out to test our relationship. . .how fucked up does that sound? Part of me is too good at good-byes and am already done!
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The worst part of me needs to stop overreacting! Had quite the talk with him & he too is angry & hurt. He said it best when he asked if when he was given the job offer, was he supposed to say hold on I need to call my wife. I knew he was out applying for jobs so when he put it this way I felt foolish. I sincerely apologized but also expressed my fears of the possible scenarios between the oldest and I. He said he gets frustrated with her too but wanted me to know that he will decide to stay with me no matter what she says. My man called me on some shit tonight and basically it was I’m either in or out. He acknowledged my struggles from past shit but wants us to move forward together as a family without me saying I want to leave. Live life on life’s terms with our family as my life. I know I need to reply to him after he’s had some space and time to heal.
I’m 161 days sober today and feel like my head is in a fog like my 1st dry week. This is partially scaring the crap out of me & I feel very vulnerable atm.
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162 days. Slept in this morning and almost feel like I could just crawl back into bed. An odd feeling but I’m almost feeling torn. A lot of conversation took place last night and I’m still trying to process. My man brought up a few times how my overreaction takes place a lot. I’m an extremely emotional person and I admit I need to get a better handle on this. I was also basically confronted about regularly requiring assurance that I’m wanted and loved. My fear of abandonment and rejection coupled with my feelings of not being enough go deep. I need to seriously consider this and discuss some middle ground. Yesterday really deflated me when my man asked me to leave. However when he explained his anger over me saying he needs to get a sitter his response for me to leave kind of made sense. Why would he be with and live with a woman while also getting a sitter. Turns out the security job is one week on and one week off and he doesn’t start until Monday. It might not even last that long as it’s Covid security. Either way I have told him that I want to be with him and the girls and had he not told me to leave I wouldn’t have spiraled and been viewing rentals yesterday. I really do love this man and pray I’m making the right decision. I know I need to be “all in” from this point forward and can’t pick and choose what parts of our life I will take part in. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared but I’m ready to take the leap.
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163 days. Thought I would share what my brother-in-law wrote for GoFundMe for my Dad’s cancer treatment.
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165 days. I read something last night that really struck me and woke up this morning still thinking about it. It said something to the effect that traumatized people may misinterpret peace for boredom. This really got me thinking about my life recently. I have been thinking I’m stuck in a pit and have been over focused on my unemployment. Maybe I need to just enjoy where I’m at right now. . . enjoy the peace. Enjoy sobriety and the lack of drama in my life. I’m going to try my best to view my days like this. . . peaceful as opposed to boring.
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166 days. My head is kinda full today and I just need somehere to spit it all out.
My Dad was supposed to be going to his doctor on Thursday and she was contacting the “biopsy guy”. Despite trying I have yet to hear from my Dad. I am struggling with this on a few different levels but am trying to accept this is his choice. I hadn’t told my Mom that my Dad had cancer (they separated over 40 years ago) as I didn’t want her constantly asking for updates etc. Prior to posting the GoFundMe link on Facebook I called and told her. Today I politely asked her to not ask for updates and that I would update her as I obtained any information. My Mom & I are getting along better now I’m sober but I think it’s honestly because I accept her shit is just that, her shit.
I am somewhat angry at myself over the whole fiasco with my man this week. Today he gets a call asking if he can work 1-9 am and he accepts. Therefore the girls will be sleeping while he’s working but now he’ll be sleeping during the day. I’m not even going to think about it and just see how things play out. I am going to miss cuddling and being cuddled while I sleep but it’s only for a week.
The oldest has done another 180. Occasionally calling me Mom in a day. Asking her Dad if he’s going to marry me. Asking me if I want to marry her Dad. Telling her Dad it’s good that I don’t drink. Telling me she likes that her Dad and I don’t fight and we don’t drink. I remind myself she is only a child and like sobriety I am going to take our relationship one day at a time.
Going to prepare a potato salad for supper and then going down for my geriatric nap
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Glad to hear things are going better with your, stepdaughter.
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167 days. So my man is home & now he’s sleeping. The oldest is having issues with laptop passwords and I’m sitting here getting frustrated. It’s day one & I’m already not fucken liking it. I really wish he wouldn’t have taken this job. Crawling into bed and ignoring everything and everyone else.
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So I’m back up and now I’m with a headache and feeling like I’m pissed off at the world. It’s like any little thing is pissing me off right now. My man has moved from the couch to our bed to sleep. As he crawls in he preceded to bitch that my dog pissed on the carpet by the door. I’m going to try & cram the fucken thing in the washer and hope for the best. I can’t believe how angry I feel inside right now. If it wasn’t for the girls I would just fuck off and go for a drive. I need to do something to get rid of this anger. I think part of it was sparked when my man didn’t even come see me when he came home. When I asked him why I almost lost it. He said he had his girls to deal with. What kind of fucking excuse is that? It would have taken less than 5 minutes. When I got up to go to the bathroom, less than half an hour after he got home, he was already sleeping on the couch. This job is supposed to be one week on and one week off. I feel like I’ll be lucky if I make it past day 2 without losing my shit.
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So today is one that I’m taking a couple hours at a time. I have the shakes from anxiety today that I haven’t felt in a long time. My beer bitch brain is trying to agg me on but I’ve told the bitch to fuck off. The carpet is no longer pissy and appears to have washed quite well. The small bathroom has been tidied, kitchen is clean and fixings for supper are out to thaw. Today I really need to appreciate the small things cuz boy oh boy are the small things ticking me off. Deep breaths are seriously getting me through this. I sat here thinking about a big post id like to write. Haven’t decided if I want to start a new thread or just keep it here. Either way I’m hoping to get it out soon cuz as I’m thinking of it tonnes of things and emotions are coming through.
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Well. . .man’s still sleeping and I shouldn’t be surprised. I’m beginning to think my anger today stems from some selfishness. As the day crawls by, I realize I’m missing time spent with my partner, whether it be chatting, watching tv, cuddling, sleeping and the list goes on. I really need to put my big girl panties on and not make this about me. For this week and his other work weeks I am going to need to consciously plan things for myself to do. I’m going to try and view the time he spends sleeping as if he’s working. When he wakes up I’m going to try my best to be upbeat and positive. One more hour and I’ll be prepping for supper. By the time it’s over there’s a couple more hours until the girls’bedtime. I can do this.
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