I do get time to myself regularly. This new job & shitty shift may put a big damper on that but it is only for one week at a time.
2 Likes
Okay. . .this fricken sucks. I got to spend about 4 hours with my man almost 3 of which were shared with the girls. I’m thankful for the hour I did have and am now going to go lay in his arms and try to fall asleep. Not venting just pouting lol. Tomorrow is a new day and I’m ready for today to be done.
2 Likes
169 days. The shift still sucks ass but I’m learning to accept it for what it is. Having such limited time to spend with my man really makes me appreciate the time we do spend together. Last night I told him I didn’t want to watch him watch Facebook during my time with him. To my surprise he shut down the tablet and focused on me. We only really had about half an hour or so by the time we got the girls settled and before he went to lay down before his shift. May sound odd, and trust me when I say I’ve struggled with it, but until last night we hadn’t kissed on the lips. His kiss has to do with his skeletons in his closet and truly being ready to move forward in a relationship. When he kissed me goodbye and goodnight last night it was like the world stood still. I stayed in that loving feeling for a couple hours before finally falling asleep. I was still feeling dreamy this morning when he texted to ask how I slept. Hopefully there are only two shifts left for this week but there might be four. Then it’s a week of normalcy and I am not going to take any alone time with him for granted. Just tidying up after lunch and have some laundry on the go. Am going to get the lil one ready for a nap and then go get some cuddles in.
2 Likes
I was contemplating writing a thread about my history of running and sitting here now I just need to get it out. My parents separated when I was four. The perceived rejection and abandonment from my father has snowballed in my life. My fear of rejection and/or abandonment has led to me running from several relationships and scenarios in my life. Not just “escaping” with alcohol but physically removing myself. I have become too good at good-byes. Good-byes became my defense mechanism. I want to accept this about me and change it at the same time. My current relationship weighs on my mind a lot. I have been open recently with my man about my tendency in the past to run when I’m scared of getting hurt by staying. What I haven’t expressed is my fear of not knowing when it’s worth staying and fighting for. I’m not sure when I became the person that has more fear in a relationship than I do hope. How did I become the person that doesn’t believe in happy ever afters? I believe I am with an amazing man & I believe we could have an amazing future together but I still doubt that I am the one for him and I fear getting hurt. I know I need to shed this fear and be open to his love but I don’t know how. I have been in abusive relationships previously and I have trouble differentiating between regular relationship obstacles and “red flags.” I tend to overreact when my feelings are hurt and lately I’m learning to better process my feelings before I decide if any reaction is necessary. On my sobriety journey I’m learning a lot about myself and changing things as I go along. I started my journey leaving a 12-year relationship behind and starting a new relationship less than a year later. Part of my growth has been through my new relationship and the learning opportunities within it. When I think of my life without my man it makes me very sad, not to be alone but to be without him. He doesn’t make me happy but being with him makes me happy. I wish there was some magic sign I could be given letting me know this is the relationship I don’t need to run from. This is the relationship I’m loved and safe in. This is the relationship where I can truly spend the rest of my life in.
5 Likes
170 days. Have been feeling very melancholy for most of the afternoon and evening. I feel lonely and feel so full of tears. I’m sure it’s the changes this past week due to my man’s shift but I just can’t seem to snap out of it. Watched one of my shows, while everyone is sleeping, and found myself sobbing uncontrollably for almost 10 minutes. I feel like if someone hugged me right now I would start bawling. I’m sitting here hugging myself while I have a last smoke before bed & tears are free flowing down my cheeks for no apparent reason. Not entirely sure where this is all coming from but just trying to ride it out until I can fall asleep. I told my man I don’t care what time he comes to bed tomorrow night but I’m already excited about getting to sleep with him. He has about an hour before he has to get up & get ready for his last shift this week. Trying to calm myself through breathing so I can go get in some cuddles before he has to go.
2 Likes
174 days. Sitting here smoking and having coffee trying to sort out my mind. I continue to have dreams that I am either being proposed to or already engaged. While dreaming I am in a happy place but when I wake from these dreams an overwhelming sadness overtakes me. My partner has said on several occasions that he doesn’t want to get married again. Part of me feels like I’m missing out because of his exes and their drama. I’m definitely in no position to be ready for marriage and am trying to assess why this is so important to me. I think a lot of it stems from my desire for a true commitment. A commitment to our relationship that we are in this for better or worse. It seems absurd that I even need this but am realizing that my fear is not being enough. I continue to struggle on a daily basis wanting to be wanted and needing to be needed. Any time I try to talk this out it comes out the wrong way and leaves me feeling small and foolish. The same can be said about my thoughts about receiving a ring from my partner. He has a jewelry bag full of rings that he had previously given to his ex. Part of me wishes he would give one or some to me & another part of me is disgusted at this thought. It’s really a token of his love that I’m wishing for. Why is it never enough? Why do I always need more? When will I get to the point that self-love is enough? When will I be enough for myself?
1 Like
175 days. Just hopped out of a meeting and something the speaker said really resonated with me. She said something to the affect that relationships are the last thing we get well in as relationships are the first place we were hurt. This really made me reflect on my current relationship with my man. I have been hard on myself when feelings of fear present themselves. When this woman said these words tonight it made me feel thankful for the relationship I am in. I am learning so much about myself in this relationship and am finding courage to trust in areas that my past had me running from. I have been traumatized by previous toxic relationships and really need to acknowledge the toxicity. I am currently in what seems to be a healthy relationship and need to stop comparing this relationship to past trauma. I need to have faith and trust when this man tells me he loves me and never wants to hurt me. I also need to acknowledge that he too has been hurt. Being worried and over cautious is doing me more harm than good. I’m going to try my best to treat this relationship as the road yet to be travelled, trying to stay out of my head and stay in the moment.
2 Likes
We must have been at the same meeting. Soul sisters? lol She was really good. I’m excited that she’ll be back for another.
1 Like
I have been absent lately but really need to get back to at least the Tuesday and Wednesday ones. I too look forward to her next share.
1 Like
I haven’t been there in over a month. Something came over me about 5 mins before it started and I dropped what I was doing to attend. It was really weird. I guess I just needed to hear her. I’m going to make more of an effort to do Tues and Wed.
1 Like
I talked about going all day and planned mealtime around it. I really needed it and again the contents have shifted my thoughts. I am bothered about how relationships effect me and the frequent flight or fight thoughts that arise out of my fears.
1 Like
176 days. Felt like all my hard work came crashing down around me last night. Some things were said and words cut deep. Going to spend the day in thought and try to work through this. The beer bitch brain just wants me to pack up and run away and I need to do some serious thinking today about what I really want & need to do. I’m so tired of feeling hurt.
4 Likes
Wasted the day withdrawn and moping. Can’t eat, can’t sleep. The evening can only get better. Less than half an hour before my meeting. After the meeting I will probably force myself to eat something and then binge something on Netflix.
2 Likes
At least you’re not running from this relationship. You’ve been giving it a lot of thought and if it doesn’t work out, you can leave knowing you tried. That’s progress right there.
1 Like
Thank you so much for that. I feel so defeated and beaten at the moment.
2 Likes
As you yourself have said, you are only hurt because you care deeply. But remember the serenity prayer. We can’t fix everything all at once. 
1 Like
177 days. Talking to my partner last night I realized I need to take our relationship one day at a time just like my sobriety. Many of my insecurities are surfacing but I’m thankful to be able to identify the feelings and emotions and move through them. I laughed last night as he commented that I now have plurals. I no longer have a feeling but can identify different feelings. It felt good to recognize my progress. I told him it is important to talk about my feelings but also acknowledged my increasing ability to dismiss some feelings. I asked him to not invalidate anything I feel. We also talked about making a conscious effort to not allow our fears to become an obstacle within our relationship. I have asked him to let me in and not push me away. I told him how him saying that he didn’t want to be in a relationship is like saying I didn’t want to be with you. We talked about the importance of the types of words we use to express ourselves and how they have potential to hurt when not intended. We talked about the importance of questioning the meaning of statements etc. made if they have hurt, angered etc. Most importantly we have committed to work on our healing together. For the first time in a long time, the pink cloud feelings are present today. I am grateful for having my partner and his daughters in my life. I am grateful for my health. I am grateful for having peace in my life and not misinterpreting it as boredom. I am grateful for another day sober. 
5 Likes
I’m so happy to read this. I admire your courage to hold your ground even when you feel like running. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly! I’m learning a lot from your posts 
You’ve found a precious partner and I’m happy for you
4 Likes
My determination to change my “running” behavior has provided me with new courage. My openess on here is very healing within itself and I’m ecstatic that my journey can be of assistance to others. Please know your thread is appreciated and often resonates with me.
4 Likes
