Not to hog up your thread (but here I go! 
), but it seems to me you have been in survival mode for a long time. That doesn’t leave a lot of room for gray or nuanced thinking or exploration.
As erntedank says above, it is all a process this getting to know oneself. And being gentle with ourselves thru our journey is so important for healing.
Appreciate so much these responses. I feel like I have a new lease here…I am in my mid-30s and feeling like you have all this growth to do can feel a bit disappointing (like shouldnt I be grown yet!!!), but also exciting too as I do truly believe that we should always be open and contibuing to grow and learn (sucks when its hard though and easier said then done!).
I am just coming to terms with so many things, and as “open” as I thought my mind and heart have been I have had a very solid picture of what “recovery” looked like to me - AA worked. The promises, all of it (5 years in, 5 years sober out and there was no downward hill in the 5 years out but a LOSS of community!). In my view, people got sober for good in AA but only if they were “honest”, and then the rest of people who left didnt get or stay sober. I have a lot of the ism in my family, so it seemed to me a few people got sober in AA, most left and you could either drink normally or were alcoholic. I didnt see until now how BLACK AND WHITE this thinking was. I didnt at all, and I think its because I was young in AA but also because thisbis how I was judging myself - when I tried going back to AA, I heard all the things i was doing wrong and internalized that as I was “constitutionally incapable of being honest” and that ever prophetic statement about how rarely people come in till they hit rock bottom (I now understand the correlation not causation there!).
I have recently met someone with 30 yrs of sobriety who is an amazing soul on my healing journey, and she did not use AA. This is MIND BLOWING to me. That there are others out there on other healing journeys (OF COURSE THIS MAKES SENSE it is crazy to me that I really internalized AA being superior…or the only way). Im sorry I will shut up about AA at some point (again this isnt necessarily about the program itslef but my perspective and how I internalized everything). I just am trying to get back in to tool belt mode, and want to share where I am a few times a week.
And I have been in survival mode for SO LONG!!! After our daughter died my husband and I really tackled it head on - together, thpugh pur greif journeys were . We both took time off, spent a lot of time engaging in things we needed to for our greif and did our best to guide our 3 yr old through it. It was excruiating, and this may sound odd to say but I really feel looking back like we did the best we could and handled it well (as could be). I felt a certain peace around her death, and knew (from my past experiences and growth in AA) that things would come of her down the road…then covid hit, and though the matra was “we’re in this together” some peoples journeys are more difficult then others. And having just lost a baby to a virus, and having an only child - I wont go in to all the details but my husband and I finally came to a point where we said, you know what its OKAY to acknowledge that we are having a harder time then other people (obviously we knew many had it worse, but it got exhausting listening to other people when we were a few months out of losing our daughter and the circumstances were so difficult). Its not self pity or selfish to say you know what allow me my pain!!! Then we got pregnant, SO MUCH healing but of course nerves being pregnant and having a baby during covid. Then we moved (another GIFT!), and good stress BUT HOLY STRESS moving with small kids/baby and then a few months after moving my sister was murdered. It just feels like we have been living in a state of STRESS and trying to hold on to each piece of BEAUTY, GRATITUDE AND JOY. I dont want to miss out on the beauty in life, but I am fucking exhausted. My nephew has besn with us for 6 months (after we renovated our home to build him a room…which was vedy stressful) and have been dealing with so much legally for him and my sister. I am FRIED. I have been dealing with everything. I have to step back, I have to make a plan and I have to take care of myself.
APPRECIATE THIS SPACE SO MUCH i miss my sister she was my space. I talked to her everyday and I have not been able to grieve her.
First emotional trigger since I’ve been on this new journey - of 4 days lol. Its around my sister and nephew, and these are constant.
Im trying to recognize things as triggers, instead of just as my reaction and something I have no control over…or as something that just kind of puts me in a certain state of autmation or as me.
Just tried journaling about it, came hsre to throw it out there and breathing. I dont tend to cry often, and I am tryingbto work on going there with being sad. The saddness around my sister and her son are vedy triggering, so just being mindful of that.
Something I do know is that no one understands like another alcoholic. The stories dont need to be the same, but that connsction and level of understanding I have missed.
Appreciate the space and wishing everyone another 24
Glad you shared Mira. I hope it eased you a tiny bit. 
A good cry often helps me to ease a heavy heart and take the edge off high emotions of any kind. Great that you are using breathing to stay focused on yourself. I appreciate the short breath meditations I learned over time. They give me a break in difficult situations.
Keep coming here and sharing!
One week today! I have to learn to celebrate the milestones, like i did once before - not alone. Had a good cry this morning. It hurts like hell. Sick also and I never get sick so not in the best shape with the 3 kids running around, but trying to recognize those practical triggers.
Getting pissed off.
Feeling like shit triggers a feeling of wanting an escape
Feeling good. Oh like im doing so well, I could just.
Chaos in home of 3 children and dynamic.
Thank you for beinf here & wishing everyone ajother 24! Xo.
*not sure why my autocoreect doesnt fix typing here, but i dont really care!
Congrats on your week Mira!!!
Isn’t it the truth…feel good, celebratory drink! Feel bad, drink away your sorrows! And my favorite…day ends in Y, drink!
You got a lot on your plate. 
Thank you so much! I just had the feeling of like, “Im good. Handling this day. Maybe a glass or two of wine? Or a beer or two?”. The feeling good trigger is a really funnt one to me bc its almost automatic, and like that part of my brain saying “its fine”.
I reallt do not even know how to deal with that feeling. Its like its there and niggling at me, like whatever its fine and when i get that automation I find it difficult to turn around.
I have my list in my medicine bag my uncle gave me of 7 reasons to quit that are good and 7 that are bad. Going to go read them after I get the kids to sleep & journal about the trigger. Sit with it, find out what its telling me and where its coming from. I think I know amd I think its more along the lines of “I am exhausted, overwhelmed and deserve it” lol.
I want to keep stacking the days. If i want it i have to do something differently. Fuxk its not easy is it? Xo.
Definitely not easy, but 100% worth it. I had a list on my phone for a long while I would read over and over when I thought maybe 1 or 2 to unwind. If I haven’t shared with you yet and you are interested, let me know. It helped me a lot having that list. You can do this Mira. 
Checking in. 11 days in. Im going to our moms house for a few days to bring my nephew, and I know being in the childhood home where my sister and I grew up has been triggering for me.
Going to check in each day when I am there, and I am working on a 4th step that Id like to sit down and dedicate some time to while I am just with 1 kid instead of 3. I am really trying to pay attention to the teiggers or the feeling overcome me of wanting a drink, and sitting with it. Had a big cry last night as I thpught about the profound differences in the losses of both my daughter and sister. I narrated it out loud to myself, i don’t know why but it felt like hearing me say the words made if real and clear vs thoughts swirling in my head. I told the stories out loud to myself, so i could hear what I was saying and finished the train of thpught. I cried as I was talking then sobbed after, and I did not feel like a drink today which happens when I touch the pain nerve of my sisters murder.
Anyway, wish me luck going back home. May I feel the memories and pain, and allow the process of healing to continue. Xo. Wish you all another beautofil 24.
I love the hard truth of this. Sending strength and clarity and much care.
I drank last night.
Im going over what happened, because I was not even thinking about it. I was having anxiety all day, that beating in my chest and I felt disoragnized and a bit strange. My nephew is leaving our home, and I have very hard feelings about that. All of my feelings feel like they are somewhere I cannot really touch, like underwater and I am just realizing that I have actual trauma (not like oh yes this is traumatizing, but TRAUMA and it is effecting how I engage with the world, my emotions and triggers). My emotions sit out of reach, and I had a deep cry rhe night before and felt good about not feeling I needed to drink hours later (the direct connect with emotion is not there. Its not like I cry and immediately or during want a drink…it doesnt come until later).
Triggers:
So i took an ativan, which was prescribed for me after my sister died. I have seen a connection betwren taking an ativan and suddenly being super chill about taking a deink when I would take it or the risk was higher. I didnt notice at first, but i started drinking after my doctor prescribed them to me to use daily right after she died. So, thats it for those. I am not sure how I will deal with the panic, but I dont want to take something that alters me towards drinking.
Please pray for me & wish you all another 24
Thank you for sharing so honestly and including your triggers and acknowledging the ativan leads to the drink. That is solid work in making the connection and knowing it isn’t helping.
You may have covered this before, but do you have a trauma specific therapist? It seems to me that finding the right therapist trained in deep trauma modalities could assist you.
I do have a beautiful therapist who does IFS work, and we are goinf back to move forward. I know I have trauma, and have had trauma befoee but I did not recognize it as PTSD until I was older and saw how it presented in soldiers. I had no idea my behaviours/thought patterns were shaped in that way, even jntil years in my sobriety.
I am here again, and again i think i was tellong myself I am not traumatized and i want so badly not to be a mess, I have so much responsibiligy on my plate and my mom and husband have both been having such a difficult time i have needed to keep the emofion even and be a support. I was not seeing how my behaviours/thpught patterns were shaped, and my emofions are off.
I would love to know more about how others get sober without strictly going to AA. It really scares me that I want to quit, and then drink anyway. I would love to ask questions of others for tips and advice about the beginning, if you arent gping to meetinfs and what helped and maybe share about what I am doing to see if others have feedback. I was thos very bad and do not want the shame I carry, or the shame of beinf a drinking parent. My children and husband are my world, and I want to do this. I will start another thread and ask. Thank you
Glad you will continue working with your therapist. Trauma work is so important, unresolved, it can permeate everything in our lives, especially our emotions, feelings, reactions, ability to heal…at least that has been my experience.
I wanted to share a link to a post I made about my recovery process, perhaps it will help…
I hope you can get some rest Mira.
Thank you so much for this. I am going to write and read in here daily.
I cannot believe I am just learninf there are all of these other sober communities.
I appreciate all of your responses.
Good morning,
Oh the saddness is heavy for me today. I havent felt so fractured in life since maybe I was a young teenager.
I think where I disjointed with my rel with alcohol this time was I kept hearing that, in my mind life was unmanageable because of alcohol and it felt like no. My life is deeply unmanageable because my sister was murdered, I am navigating two court systems that do not care about the trauma they cause to victims families, I am caring for my nephew while trying to raise two children and he needs 1-1…and I could go on.
I have also not had emotional support around me, aside from my therapist and my best friend and those closest to me need a lot emotionally.
These are not excuses, as I felt before they are reasons why the drinking part of me is like “allow me to help with this mess”. I am learning that the intention of that part (this is just one perspective) is good - she is part of me and she wants to help, but the behavipur is not good. I find it SUPER terrifying to admit that maybe AA wasnt enough, or that it just wasnt the right fit becayse it worked for me before and suddenly I was without a “solution”. AA tells me if Im not getting it the issue is me, and Im pretty used to thinking the issue is me and also its a bit less scary to feel like Im the problem then the fact that I may need to branch out. I always thpught aside from harm reduction that there wasnt anything but AA out there. I am not online at all, this is the first time I have joined anything online and i cannot even figure out how to fix my autocorrecr (if you see my messages with words all spelt wrong I am not posting drunk I dont know how to turn on autocorrect).
Anyways, i just feel very different. I will do anything to get and stay sober, and I havent felt that way or been thinking so outside the box. I just felt like this is me, and where I am now, and my solution isnt working because I am bad and in my ego and cant be honest. Its so very difficult for me to unlearn a lot of thinfs I absorbed in AA (And I really have nothing against it! I loved my time there, and the steps are beautiful…but maybe there is another way, amd maybe for a woman who was raised to not be confident from a small age, experienced trauma and knew how to serve and be thete for others befpre AA ever came along…maybe there is more to the story).
I am goinf to find a womens retreat for trauma/meditation/addiction or some combination of that. I told myself and my husband I would go to rehab if I picked up one more drink, and in thinking creatively i thought…well, im not sure i want to go somewhere that is AA based, and I can likely find a retreat more quickly.
I will come here and update, and read and comment on posts. I reallg want to start exercising and caring for myself, but i have not had time. That is not an excuse, it has besn my reality since my sister was killed.
I appreciate this place, and I want this more then anything. I grew up with alcoholic parents, and I got sober not wanting this for my chuldren. I would hate myself if I stayed on this road, and I know I have nothing to lose. I have to admit I have PTSD (i dont know why that is so hard for me, but its like i have been ignoring the fact that I have trauma) and that i dissociate. This is when i drink. That is why it is automatic, and I feel i cannot trust myself.
Trust is huge again. My sister was murdered by someone I considered my brother in law, and though our relationship did strain over the years - particularly I was ready for him to be finished with him after he assaulted her when she first tried to leave (she did not tell us the extent of what happened), I was always cordial, my sister never spoke ill of him and I now understand how much she was controlled and manipulated. We were not a family watching this going hes going to kill her, even if we did not care much for him in the end as a good partner for her and saw he was not doing much for his son. I never saw this coming, my trust in people and lofe and the world is shaken. And the lack of support to us as we navigate this, the system is dragging us over a dirt road and everyone keeps saying “thats just how it is”.
I need to join a homicide survivor group also maybe, but I want to not go off in too many directions at once. I try to do too many things to help myself and then I feel like im failing when i dont do them all.
Theres my dump for the morning!
Sounds like you have some acceptance and plans in your rant this morning. Im rooting for you!
I am 5 days today. Been here a few times. I need to celebrate, or just acknowledge these moments. Even in my sobriety befoee, i only celebrated 1 year in AA and kept to myself for the rest of my sobriety. I prefer not having attention on me and i dont like tooting my own horn…but when something youre doing isnt working, TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
i notice for me i do not and have not obsessed about drinking as much as I obsess about not drinking. I am terrified of it. Anyone else experience those obsessions? Its like im a glutton for givinf myself crap. Anyway, i really do notice that…not dealing with obsessing to drink, but obsessing about not deinking and fearing the “switch”.
I wrote my list of triggers, and I wanted to review it becayse I was wondering how many of them are related to trauma. I called it a switch, the decision to drink how it just flicks. Not there all the time, or even most of the time. Wrote out my triggers, and there are a lot. But i now understand the switch is associated with trauma and where i dissociate. I just (not to say that i hate words like that but i do). Part of me just wants to be “grown up”, and able to move beyond things like PTSD and dissociating (i know that sounds awful i am not directing that ACTUALLY at these issues or anyone who has them i know this isnt an issue that is determined by how old or mature you are).
I read a study once which talked about a line of thought that PTSD doesnt necessarily happen to all ppl who experoence Trauma, but it is more likely to happen when the trauma is unexpected or the person didnt have a clear understanding of how bad something could get. Something like that. It is interesting to me to see the difference in exprriences pf losing my own chuld and losing my sister; and what happened around their death, and this stufy just came to my mind.
Wishing everyone another 24 & peace & healing on your journeys. Thanks for hearing me out non drinking club 
Sitting here on the bay, everyone is sleeping and I wanted to just put my thoughts out. I havent drank here on the island since I was arounf 16. I am having little thoughts, but wjen you have those thoughts you need to reach out and put them out to those who get it and understand. I am so grateful to have this space because I havent had that in a long time.
Thinking about why I dont want to:
Feel so blessed to be here. I started coming to this place, every summer sincd I was 6 and my sister was 2. Havent been here for 5 years, and being here with both of my kids - who are 6 and 2, I am flooded with memories of summers here with my sister. These emotions are hard to touch in a way, but I have been tryinf to sit with them and feel the soft breeze in my hair. I love playing with my kids and nephdw and Im looking forward to a week filled with fun, crazy chaotic fun, 
. The 3 of them sure keep us busy. Keep me strong my little communitu. Thank yoh so much for being here. Xo.