I’ve been sober for a month now. It’s been relatively easy for me personally. But my girlfriend drinks… and is now drinking more because I’ve asked her not to drink at the weekends when my children are around. She has taken it to mean that I have asked her to give up alcohol completely. Which I haven’t, because I know from my own experience, a drinker will only stop when they are ready to stop. But she drinks to the point most nights that she is incoherent and obnoxious. We argue sometimes. I try not to engage her in conversation when she is drinking. She says she might leave me if I keep nagging her. But we get along very well when she’s sober. And my kids absolutely adore her.
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I’m sorry to hear about this . It’s definitely a hard one for sure but maybe she could slow down when she’s ready . Please reach out as you did because it’s so hard to do it alone . And don’t let it ruin all your progress you have made all on your own ! You should be so proud of your self ! Maybe you guys need to go talk to someone for advice or maybe a break would help ? I know it’s so hard to chose your partner or booze but I have had to do this in the past and I unfortunately did not leave fast enough it ended up Really messy in the end on his drunk part that took a very long time to heal from . I know everyone’s story doesn’t end the same but maybe being sober might even change your mind with things and your wants as it did for me ? Is she supportive at all with you not drinking or does she bother you to drink with her still do you fight alsmot everytime you both drink ? Has it slowed down since you stopped drinking . Many questions to ask your self and your relationship I truly hope for the very best and things are so fresh in the first month maybe things will get a bit easier in time ! I’m so proud of you a month and being around it must of been so hard ! Your doing amazing
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Thanks for your reply. I am proud of myself for doing so well. And I know that I won’t ever drink again. Because I’ve made that decision in my mind. She doesn’t encourage me to drink with her. Which helps a lot. And she is always saying how proud she is of the changes that I have made. I’m dieting now too. And have completely cut starchy foods from what I eat. I’ve lost about 10 pounds in 2 weeks. She is proud of me for that too. But she gets the munchies sometimes and is constantly asking if I want some bread or sandwiches or chocolate or cake or chips etc etc. And once I almost caved when she said “one smoke won’t hurt once in a while, you deserve to chill”. I almost said “ok roll me one” but I bit my tongue and stayed strong. That was a tough evening/night. We didn’t argue then. But I mentioned it in a meeting. My key worker said it’s so important that I set boundaries. I shouldn’t be afraid to stand strong for my personal sobriety. My girlfriend knows that when I use words likes ‘set boundaries’ it’s “crap from the meetings” and she rebels by drinking and smoking more. Which makes her more obnoxious to me when I’m sober and can see her acting foolishly.
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It could be fear on her part and she’s coping with hiding her feelings and numbing her pain . Maybe because she’s so used to you both being under the influence and now she doesn’t know how to go on being sober and she could be scared and nervous. She could maybe see our success and seeing her down fall with booze and relying on it more
I’m not a dr or anything just maybe an idea ?
I know from the last I drank more when I was nervous or going through change or stressed
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I think she’s just stubborn and rebellious. I don’t mind her having a few drinks around me. But when she cracks open her 10th beer of the night and she’s staggering all over the place. And I know she will take 2 or 3 sips then say she’s had enough and just pour it down the sink. A couple days ago she poured 2 opened cans down the sink. Because she was just so drunk and opening cans and leaving them around. I just get really annoyed when we can’t have a conversation about anything. I think I’m just ranting now. Thanks for listening though. (I’m trying to say “sorry” less and “thank you” more. 
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Damn, I give you a TON of credit for making it a month in that situation! I don’t really have any advice about the overall problem, mostly because I’m an all or nothing person and my advice would be to leave and run like hell. I respect the reality of the situation and all its complexities. For me, I keep the possibility of a relationship as far away as I can. I don’t trust myself. I would probably fxk everything up (probably not in reality but I’m too scared so that’s what I tell myself). So yeah, not the one for relationship advice.
Anyhoo… Boundaries are something I know a lot about. I’ve never been to a meeting and it’s a word I use multiple times a day. Admittedly I’ve been in therapy in one way or another for ten years, a lot of that time dealing with severe codependancy. Boundaries are a recovering codependants favorite word. Build them! Keep them! Cherish them! The ability to do these things are the sign of a strong and healthy person!
Hope that helps a little.
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Respect for making it through a month in that difficult situation. We all know how hard it is to stay sober and it’s a 1000times worse when your partner is drinking even more. I too think she’s anxious about the situation. Maybe she realises that she is having a drinking problem but she cant help herself out of it. Hope you can talk about it with her. But you should put yourself first and being proud of your sobriety. Wishing you all the best.
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Thanks so much for the encouragement. I have always found setting boundaries difficult. I don’t like confrontation and so I usually back down. But I know that I need to be in control of my sobriety.
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So have I, difficult setting boundaries. And I hated confrontation. Despite all the years of struggling and trying, it didn’t all click into place until 6/19/17. My clean date. Don’t know how I flipped that switch but somehow it happened. Now my boundaries are very firm. But that’s part of why I’m staying away from romantic relationships, because I’m afraid it won’t apply to them. I’ve always been terrible when it comes to that, except when I decide it’s over. Then my boundary is rock solid. So much so that I don’t see the person for a very long time, if at all. That’s not to say I don’t do the breakup/makeup thing first. But once I’m through with that, it’s over!
Haha, I may have solid boundaries in a lot of ways, but I’m clearly still as dysfunctional as everyone else!
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I’m living off grid in the woods and only have 2 friend out here and they are always drinking.
I find it hard at time as we always had fun out here, especially when we were drinking. I see them only in the morning as it’s the time to fix or do things that need to be done. At night time I go home because it’s not the same when you are sober. ( They are so annoying 
). So I hear you.
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I’d love to live more off grid. I wanted to buy 64 acres of land in West Virginia. I was going to build tiny houses on it. One for me and one for each of my 4 kids. I was going to rent some of the land to other tiny house enthusiasts. But I didn’t have enough money. And now I’ve ruined my credit score. 
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Credit can be fixed and money can be saved. I don’t know how much money you spent on drinking, but I know mine was in quadruple digits a month. We are all going to save a ton by being clean!!!
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It can be very difficult adjusting to lifestyle changes of any kind. We all have our own issues and pathologies and it can take our partner by surprise when we truly shake things up. My husband tried to be supportive in my early stages, but didn’t really know what that meant and was not really capable of being supportive where he was it in his stage of development around drinking. It was hard for us both. I had a hard time seeing him drink and get sloppy and spent time being resentful, frustrated, pissed off, annoyed…you name it, I felt it. It took me time to find compassion for myself and compassion for him. He is a wonderful man, an excellent provider, a truly kind and loving person…with a drinking problem. So…once I was able to understand the difference between my drinking problem and his, my feelings and life did change. Obviously there is no big happily ever after life is perfect, but I do get 100% that my sobriety path is my own and I need to honor that.
Being honest with yourself and your partner is key. It is hard to watch others on their paths sometimes, but it was the same for them with us. Honor yourself and protect your sobriety. Be gentle with your life and love.
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Thank you for your words. Quite inspirational… food for thought, so to speak. I know for a fact that I can’t make her quit. That’s got to be her decision, as it was mine. I just hate that I can’t make a conversation with her anymore when she’s drunk and stoned. When I was drinking we’d laugh and talk half the night. Now she spends most the day sleeping and all evening drinking and smoking. I kind of miss her.
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I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I don’t know how you are handling it with as much strength and resolve as you are. May we all find the same strength!
It’s easy really… I just decided a month ago to not go back ever to drink. Just keep swimming (away from drink, and towards another day, hour, week, minute… sometimes honestly just checking my app and watching seconds tick by helps me stay sober when I’m low.)
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I hear you. Hopefully she will catch up with you given time.
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It’s difficult to stay sober when someone else in the same house is not sober too. In our house I’m clean but my father continues to use my doc, for some reason it’s been easy for me lately. It doesn’t make me want to relapse now, but when I first found out he was using it made it hard on me knowing it was in the house. I hope things get easier for you and that you can keep your sobriety.
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I will keep my sobriety. Because I’ve decided to! I won’t let anyone, or myself ruin it this time.
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I work in a liqour store and being sober, yep sorunded by my old friends… recommending my old booze to new or old costumer ect. Kinda ironic but it also made me strong!
When i quited alcohol i never spilled out my drinks in the closet for 2 reason!
1: Being able to control, I will at 1 point face alcohol so dont wait!
2: My gf still drinks and would kill me if i spilled it out.
My point are; For some people being around alcohol and see what damaged it causes, can help… Remeber 1 costumer which talked very loud in her phone, and had her 8 - 12y old boy.
This lady talked about fights, drugs, ect in her phone so everyone could hear, even her child…
What about the death related to this shitty drug? I feel quilty to sell alcohol to alcohol to damaged people, very sad… They steal alcohol and even apologiz later on and pay for it…
So your not alone being around relapse triggers!
I whish you the best and keep up with the soberity!
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