Hi guys, this is my first time sharing anything honestly I just need a place to vent but any words of encouragement are appreciated.
Last month I decided to quit cocaine, I had a breakdown over how helpless I felt, and with some support from my friends I’ve made it 16 days (not a lot but it has felt like months). I’m still struggling every other day or so, but the worst of it for me has been guilt.
I just feel guilty that I could have let it get as far and as bad as I did; all the money I could have spent getting my life back together and opportunities I’ve wasted the last year, but mostly the time. I regret letting it consume me to the point that I grew distant from my friends. The ones who have stuck around with me never really knew how to help me bc you have to help yourself, and I’m really feeling the chasm in all of my relationships. It hurts me to know how much I’ve hurt people and all the lies I’ve told, the times I’ve lashed out at my family for no reason because I was on a crash.
Just wish I could take it all back and start over but I know that’s not an option. I just really want to do better in the future esp for my friends bc the people I still have I definitely don’t deserve any of them
Hey Zach welcome to the forum and congrats on your 16 days.
I don’t know about you but I did not have a choice about letting my drug use get as bad as it did. Once I came to terms with the fact that I was an addict and that addiction is a progressive disease I started to be able to let some of that guilt and shame go. I did a lot of unimaginable things while I was in active addiction that I felt so much shame around but that is no way to live. I know that the way I live while I am using is not who I am when I am clean. I don’t think the same, I don’t act the same… I am not the same person.
When I cleaned up this time I started going to meetings and did a set of steps with NA. That helped me process all the shitty things I had done and I let it go so I could move forward and live a guilt-free, shame-free life.
It may take some time to forgive yourself and for others to forgive you too but anything is possible in recovery.
I read this quote somewhere once, probably on this forum, it’s a quote from C.S Lewis - You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.
The truth is, all we can do is move forward. Every day is a chance to walk new paths, make different choices. It’s OK to lament our past mistakes, feel grief for times and moments we will never get back, but it is not ok to live there anymore. We feel sorrow and we let it motivate us to move forward onto a new, better path.
16 days off coke isn’t anything to sneeze at, it’s a HUGE accomplishment! It’s 16 baby steps moving you down a new path toward a new day.
I understand the feelings of guilt and shame, I’ve been there. I still wish I never went down that path. I cant change it.
I never planned on being addicted. I didn’t know how powerful it is when I tried it. I tried it out of curiosity, and it took me for a ride that I wasn’t expecting or prepared for. It changed me into something that only cared about getting and using more cocaine. I ended up getting into trouble, That woke me up.
Your waking up. Staying clean will put the guilt and shame behind you. Right your wrongs when you can.
This is the reading from the JFT I thought it was fitting so I dropped it…
Oct 15th Choices
“We did not choose to become addicts."
Basic Text, p. 3
When we were growing up, all of us had dreams. Every child has heard a relative or neighbor ask, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Even if some of us didn’t have elaborate dreams of success, most of us dreamed of work, families, and a future of dignity and respect. But no one asked, “Do you want to be a drug addict when you grow up?”
We didn’t choose to become addicts, and we cannot choose to stop being addicts. We have the disease of addiction. We are not responsible for having it, but we are responsible for our recovery. Having learned that we are sick people and that there is a way of recovery, we can move away from blaming circumstances—or ourselves—and into living the solution. We didn’t choose addiction, but we can choose recovery.
Hello everyone! After being addicted to cocaine and alcohol for many years, and after losing my belongings and even my home a month ago because of it, I finally decided to get clean. I don’t have a place to stay and I haven’t eaten in 4 days but I know this is my first step towards recovery. Day 1.
Welcome today is the day for change work hard in your recovery and things will get better find a local AA or CA meeting there will be people who can help you who have been in your position the time is now friend make the change
Have a good read around here. This place has been a great place for me to get support in my sobriety. Addiction is too tough to go it alone. We are stronger in numbers. And we are all worth it.
