I spent the day caring for my niece who has been in my custody for the last 2 months. Her mother and father are currently homeless and are in full blown drug addiction. She’s been through so much and even on my hardest days in quarantine, she is my reminder that I NEED to stay sober. She’s 6 years old and has been through more than most people do in a lifetime. She’s a beautiful little girl and I feel like God has put her in my charge for a reason…I need her as much as she needs me. I look into her eyes every morning and I don’t want to be another person who fails her.
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Planted radish seedlings. Learned Serbian swear words. Pulled weeds. Experimenting with a baked apple cinnamon swirl cake. I like swirls. Will post a pic if it comes ok on the baking thread. Now off to learn more swear words.
It was long overdue.
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Woke up and fed the dogs, then let them outside. Checked my banking account, read some draft news, jumped in the pool to wake up, dried off and took and went to sleep again, woke up and thought about starting my own youtube channel, looked at some old cast iron, talked to some old friends about dogs and such, called my wife at work to harrass her, came on TS and read some of Goats mystery tour stuff. Going grocery shopping now.
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Day is almost over here at 8pm but I remember waking up 12 and a half hour earlier not cussing the alarm-clock and hastily coming to a full sit up in less then a second. Then it hit me, ”now youve really done it” and ”good job idiot”. Who are these spiteful thoughts I wondered while placing my feet on the floor. I was sitting for a while, maybe 10 minutes or so listening to the thoughts as they started to losen their hostility and I started some of my own. Today will be a great day I thought and did my morning routine of some push ups and a walk. My body is actually aching and particullar my left knee from jogging every day for a couple of kilometers and walking the dogs. I hear you. It will pass, dont worry. Its like the addiction. I have to go beyond my limits of comfort to actually get any results. But why? Because I want to feel good, and because I run this body now. How does it get any better then that? Anyways, after my step work I did do just that. It whined a bit but it cant stop me now. Oh and I have stoped smoking (7 months) and eating sugars (2 months). Im almost a vegintarian too. I prefere vegan food but today we had fish. If someone offers me food Im not gonna turn it down. I love eating ah, gluttony… I will add that to my defects.
On top of this, normal jours, dishes and working on the house. We are repainting. All in all a good day and Im looking forward to a good nights sleep. Tomorrow we will start recording our new songs 
The feeling is still not that good. It is manageble. I think it is cause of the step work right now. And Lotta is unhappy with my neighbour making a mess of her room and drinking, getting dropped off by the police and all. That gets to me too I guess.
Oh well, good day and good night to you all 
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Prayer and meditation. Requires practically nothing to do and is very beneficial. I also talked with my sponsor today.
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I did some did some reading on t.s. Which got me thinking about my own character defects. I picked just one character defect of myself and annolized it for the day. The one i picked (out of a bunch was pittyness. Insted of lothing in self pitty about not having it my own way, i 180ed it and focused on the people who loved me. I talked to my pops a little on the phone, ran some errends, and spent time with close friends. I also lost my keys lol but i took a innishuative and found them.
Tomarrow im focusing on irrationality and rationality along with kinda this lazy procratioation type habbit. Kinda like this pick up a mess i made and go the distant to make that perticular person place or thing even better.
Hmm good stuff
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I prayed and read the daily reflections
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I fulfilled the promises I made my kids without passing them off with more empty promises
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Had an awful argument with my wife this afternoon, terrible day overall. Almost relapsed, but took my 2 kids for a drive by the beach and to watch the sunset. After that we played hide and seek at home. It felt great. Now im here more calm and clean for one more day.
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Took a couple hours to sit with a newcomer just listening and sharing similarities…
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To stay clean I had to pull myself through,I fought urges,I argued with my inner voice the pull was so so powerful that I sat and cried and prayed for it to be lifted from me,I look back two days later with hope that ive learnt that sitting with ourselves and feeling the pain of wanting but knowing that just BC I want does not give me permission to do,I have to ask myself the questions of what I’m feeling,how I’m acting, etc etc.
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Went on a long power walk with my iTunes on my favorite angry play list.
Eminem
Dr. Dre
K-os
Fabolous
ZZ Ward
Snoop Dog.
2Pac
And a bunch of other angry rap artist. After a 1 hour power walk listening to that I feel drained and like I let all my emotions out and then hot shower and I feel so relaxed after. I’m 60 and I can’t believe I listen to that type of music but it really gets my anger out that My sobriety brings on sometimes.
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Started the day with prayer asking God to help me stay sober and protect my serenity and not do or say anything to disrupt it. Also got a cup of coffee and started listening to AA speakers on YouTube.
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That’s beautiful. Sorry about the situation. But that is beautiful. Really great. That kind of happened to me and my wife but that was 30 years ago😱. My niece is going to be 40 and we are such close friends in such a special relationship.
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There’s no age requirement for gangsta rap.
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I agree. One cannot even put gas in their vehicle or go to the grocery store without having alcohol around. I understand that people may have triggers, but honestly if an alcoholic wants to stay sober, they are required to have the spiritual inspiration that causes them to not fall back into drinking regardless if alchohol or a photo of booze is around. If one does not have that ability, which I believe is rooted in the spiritual practice of sobriety, they will indeed relapse.
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Thanks. I was looking for the words to describe it. Gangsta Rap. I’ll try and file that away in my near term memory so I can pull it out again when needed. I don’t listen to it all the time. But I’m amazed how fast and far I can walk with the gangster rap on. And how great I feel after.
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All the curbside restaurant pick ups are offering beer and wine. And Chili’s is offering their Margarita pack to go. Booze is EVERYWHERE we got to be able to deal with it.
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Absolutely, it helps me to realize I am allergic to alcohol, and I have a horrible life destroying reaction to it. I am allergic to poison ivy. Therefore, I don’t get tempted to take my shirt off and go jump into, even if I see it in real life or in a photo online.
Realizing that I have an allergy to booze is one of the most effective realizations that keeps me alcohol free. Just like I wouldn’t jump into a bed of poison Ivy, I also wouldn’t jump into a cup, glass, can or bottle of booze. This may sound like a simple approach to it, but most true things are simple if we don’t allow our ego or feelings to complicate it.
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Thank you so much for sharing She is such a wonderful little girl and I feel such a strong responsibility to her. We are going through the court system to make it legal but I don’t selfishly want to keep her for myself. My hope is that her parents (or even just one) will rise to the occasion and get their lives together…She misses her father terribly (her mother has been mostly absent until very recently) but at the same time has stated her wish to live with us until she’s 44 
In her little mind she thinks when her dad comes back he’ll be living here with all of us…it’s just such a tough situation for all parties involved. Do you mind if I asked how everything ended up with your niece? Did she stay with you until adulthood or did her parents get themselves together?
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