Terminal Cancer

Hello everyone I have never posted here before. I need help. I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer aka metastatic breast cancer 2 years ago. I had a lump in my breast but it had already spread to my lymphatic system and my bones. I was only 35 years old at the time of my diagnosis, doing really well, working full time while also raising 3 kids with my husband. I had 3 years clean from a nasty opiate addiction.

Obviously I was completely devastated. I was in the prime of my life (or so I thought). I was genuinely happy. Finding out that I not only had cancer but terminal cancer (the average lifespan after a diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer is 3 years. Less than 25% of patients are still alive 5 years after diagnosis). Was so traumatizing.

The thing about bone metastasis? It’s very, very painful. I have tumors in both of my hips, a few throughout my spine and a couple in my right rib cage. Because of this I was put on heavy opiate pain pills, both time released and instant release for breakthrough pain. I thought I’d be able to handle it. I thought my addiction was a thing of the past.

I was a complete basket case from the trauma of finding out that I’m probably not going to make it to see my kids grow up has been so hard. Until I had to get on the pain meds. Within 30 minutes I literally didn’t care anymore that I was dying. My panic attacks stopped. I couldn’t handle it though and am now a total fucking mess. I’m literally taking handfuls of pills all day everyday until I run so low I start rationing them to avoid withdrawal. You know, the typical addict behavior. I tell myself every single month that this month is going to be different. I’m going to stick to my max daily prescribed number of pills… it’s going to last me 30 days like it’s supposed to. I get over 300 pills a month and I’m lucky if they last 10 days. I’m spiraling and I’m so so scared. I recognize how out of control this is and that I really need some help but I’m too embarrassed to admit it to my oncologist. I’m terrified I will be taken off of everything and have to live out the last remaining years of my life in terrible and excruciating pain. The only person who knows how bad this has become is my husband.

I really just need any advice or words of hope no matter what it is. I know a lot of recovering addicts and a lot of women my age who also have terminal breast cancer (thanks to the internet) but I’m the only addict I know with a terminal diagnosis and it is SO incredibly isolating.

I don’t know what to do. All I know is I want to be able to take my prescriptions how they’re meant to be taken rather than binging on them because I’m too afraid to feel

One of my best friends who has been clean from heroin for 7 years has told me so many times that she gets bad anxiety about what would happen if she ever was in a horrible accident or diagnosed with an awful painful disease where the use of opiates would be something she would have to rely on. She’s terrified of that possibility and always has been. I guess I’m proof of why people have those fears and I feel like such a failure.

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First of all, I am so sorry for all that u are going through. I cannot imagine. In no way are u a failure, u are in a terrible position, and finding comfort in the best way u know how. I don’t see how the drs could take u off medication and leave u in terrible pain. It would be against the hippocratic oath, surely. I think u should talk to ur oncologist. I am sure some other cancer patients end up binging on medication to relieve pain and fear. I doubt very much u are the first, and ur oncologist should have some knowledge or access to literature. Practically, could ur husband give out ur meds? Big hugs.

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Welcome Faye.
What a tough, sad and difficult situation you are in. I do not think any words from me can ease that.
I know these kind of cancers with so much pain probably cannot be handled without the pain meds so you have to deal with it in the toughest situation possible.
I think it is best to talk about it with your doctor. working on seeing the physical pain and mental pain and sorrow as more separate?
There is more and more knowledge and resources around mindfullness and hypnotherapie to deal with chronic pain.
Vidyamal burch is a great resource, https://www.vidyamala-burch.com/
and I am co reading with a friend who is translating books on dealing with pain in cancer. I can ask for you who this lady is.
I do not in any way want to compare my situation with yours but I was also diagnosed with a chronic progressive pain and muscle condition. Having a real hard time accepting it and dealing with the pain.
You are not alone. :heart:

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Hi Faye, terribly tough stuff you, and your family are going through. Hugs to all of you.
I do know a bit about pain management/control as I am a prescriber.
My recommendation would be to discuss chronic pain management in regards to the use of buprenorphine with your prescriber. It can be used for chronic pain and especially with those who suffer from opioid use disorders/opioid dependence. It works very well and minimal to no euphoria. So, we stay present to be part of, and retain the ability to do our part. Yes, living life on life’s terms sucks but there are things that we can do to ease suffering.
Hope this helps.

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I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you. I had a very close friend, Kelly, who went through this exact same thing. We’d chat in the wee hours about how screwed up everything was. (Her doc pills and alcohol and mine alcohol). She became sober of alcohol while in remission the first time but then when her cancer came back, and was terminal, she just wanted to numb it all. A husband and four kids and didn’t want to think of the aftermath of when she was gone. It got out of control for her, but she didn’t lose hope. Talked to her oncologist and they set up a plan to where she was alloted her meds so she wasn’t in pain. At first, it was excruciating for her. She had to channel her soberness and face her addiction head on. She wrote a book for each of the kids and filled it with absolutely anything that came to mind. She wrote letters to her husband, family and friends. She wrote stupid shit that made her laugh and questions she wondered. She kept her pen going until she couldn’t hold it anymore. She was a fierce force of nature and I miss that woman more than the air. There is hope. Channel your emotions, feel it all, it’s okay to feel it. It’s not okay that cancer is your life from now on, but it is okay for you to love your way through all you have left. I wish I could hug you. And Kelly. She is a daily reminder of what a strong woman is. You are too. Sending you lots of understanding love. :heart:

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Hello @Faye and welcome. :heart: I so admire you posting here and also your honesty with yourself and your husband. You have been dealt quite a hand and I am very sorry for that.

You sound very strong to me. You are definitely not a failure at all!! You are human and I can certainly sympathize and understand the easy spiral to escape. No shame there Faye. :heart:

You have some good advice here…on finding an alternative med and on talking with your oncologist. I hope that you can find some alternatives to manage your pain and keep you rooted and clear.

Are you able to get any self care time for meditation or nature walks? Just a little time for yourself to ground you. You are a strong woman Faye, that comes thru in your post. Sending many gentle hugs your way. :heart:

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You’re not a failure at all. You obviously need the pain meds. Have you considered a time release safe? This way it forces you to only take them at the allotted time.

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Thank you so much to everyone who responded. If I had more time I would reply to each one of you. :heartpulse:

I have tried giving my husband my pills. I have given them to him the past 3 or 4 times I’ve picked up my refills but I noticed this month that when I do this it’s really weird and I just end up taking even more than I would if I hadn’t given them to him. I will either go looking for them and find them (he’s not very good at finding good hiding places) and keep sneaking back to the bottle to take more when he isn’t paying attention. It’s like I think I deserve them because it’s his fault for not hiding them well enough. I realize how fucked up that sounds and it’s completely irrational but it’s what happens. If he keeps them in his pocket we end up getting in arguments where he ends up just giving them to me because he doesn’t want to fight and trust me, I can be so annoying and persistent so I don’t blame him for giving in.

I’ve never heard of a time released safe. This sounds like it could be a really good idea. How do they work exactly? I just know if there’s any sort of emergency option, it won’t work.

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Your friend Kelly sounds like she was amazing. I’m so sorry for your loss. I also write. Constantly. I have a really hard time sleeping and will stay up all night doing similar things. I have about 5 different “about me” journals I’ve been filling in for my kids to have when I’m not here anymore. I also write just to write for myself because it’s really calming and therapeutic for me. I wish it was calming enough to where I felt like I didn’t have to be high but it’s not. My dream is to write a book, even if it’s not published. Just to say I’ve done it. I’ve wanted to be a writer since 10th grade when my English teacher pulled me aside and told me I had a really “great knack for writing” based on my essays. She made me promise her I’d never stop writing and I was placed in AP English the next year. She gave me a lot of confidence at a time when I was pretty depressed. She was the first teacher in my teen years who actually told me I was good at something. :revolving_hearts: Thanks for sharing with me about your friend, she sounds like someone I probably would have really gotten along with.

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Here’s a link to one of those time release safes on Amazon. I’m sure there’s other types out there. From what I’ve heard, you set different times throughout the day that it can be opened. There’s an emergency key which maybe you can be give to someone outside your home so it’s not easily accessible.
https://www.amazon.com/Genie-Hand-Time-Lock-Safe/dp/B00NFIDTMK

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Thanks so much. Unfortunately too expensive though. Maybe they make cheaper ones? I feel like this could help. Maybe I could have my husband go hide the keys somewhere in his mom’s house. That way I wouldn’t be able to make him give them to me. He’d have to go over to her house and tell her why he was at her house to get keys that he hid. I’d be way too embarrassed, I’m really close with my mother in law and I don’t want her to know what I’ve been doing. She takes me to all of my appointments and scans etc when my husband can’t because of work. She’s been such an enormous help throughout all of this and I just don’t want her to know. She doesn’t even know about my past problems with opiates. I was really good at hiding it and still am. If I feel like it’s obvious I just lie and say I’m running on no sleep or that my pain was so bad I had to take “one or two” extra pain pills.

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I’m sure they probably have cheaper ones out there. Do some research on the internet or maybe find one used on ebay. My DOC is pain pills so I know exactly how you feel, however I had back surgery to reduce my pain and I kept on abusing them while my pain management doctor was weaning me off. I wasn’t having it and ended up sending my husband out to buy them on the streets. I finally put myself into an outpatient detox to get off. The big difference is that you need them!! Stick around with us for support.

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Thank you so much for sharing your story. I don’t have any advice and I’m sorry about that…I’m so sorry in general. Thank you again for reaching out no matter what the situation.

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You are certainly not a failure, quite the opposite in my opinion. I’m very sorry about your diagnosis. I don’t have any advice, i did want to tell you that i think you’re extremely brave and strong. Thank you for sharing

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I’m gonna do some more research. My husband said he will buy me the one you linked to if I can’t find a cheaper one though so thank you so much.

I’m very lucky when it comes to street drugs because I moved away from my hometown when I got married. I don’t go out much (or really ever honestly) so I don’t really know anyone. I feel like if I knew a lot of people who live around where I live I’d probably be on heroin or something and things would be extra scary.

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I’m really proud of you for opening up with all of us. Please keep interacting and keep us updated on how you’re doing.

I was headed down the heroin path. Thankfully I had 2 good friends that talked me into going to detox. My secret was out and it was time take action.

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Hey everyone, just wanted to post an update. I got my pain medication filled on Wednesday and I’ve really been trying to get my shit together in every aspect of my life. Since my diagnosis I haven’t been working and I also have ADD so without structure and a routine in my life I get super depressed. I downloaded a few goal and habit tracking apps and I’ve been a lot happier with a routine. One of my daily goals I put in is do not take more than your maximum daily prescribed dosage of pain pills and don’t take them if the pain can be handled with something like ibuprofen (once in awhile that happens). Anyway on Wednesday I did great. I did have to take the max amount (2 pills every 4 hours) but I didn’t go over and yesterday I took 4 less than my max prescribed dose. I’m pretty proud of myself but I’m also only 2 days into a freshly filled script.

I don’t know if anyone is religious but I’m a convert to Greek Orthodoxy and because of Covid I have been e mailing my confessions to my spiritual father and I finally admitted my addiction issues to him. He’s a really awesome priest and always emails me back with a bunch of advice that is super uplifting so staying active in my faith has also been a big help and has given me confidence that I can do this.

Anyway, still thinking of buying one of those time lock safes. I will keep checking in once in awhile to let everyone know how I’m doing. Thanks to all of you for being so kind, supportive and non judgmental, I appreciate more than I could explain. :heavy_heart_exclamation:

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2 days is fucking awesome. I admire your strength. If id have a terminal diagnosis id probably instantly relapse and wouldnt even thnik about quitting my addiction.

higher powers are da bomb. They are lifesavers. mind if I ask what greek orthodoxy means, because the only thing i can think of is zeus, apollo, hera, hercules etc.

Thanks you for sharing with us @Faye. Your faith and courage are amazing. :v::pray:

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