It sounds like something about AA is unsettling for you, like it throws you a bit. What is it about AA that makes you think that?
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So I’ve been thinking about this most of the morning. At first I was going to tell you the stories of when I did go to AA and how put off I was. But I think it boils down to 1) I don’t believe in god and that seems to be what aa is wrapped around and 2) once I start then in my mind it’s a concrete decision that I will never had a drink again. And that just seems scary in a weird way. I will continue to ponder but I think these are the bases reason I’m hesitant
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God bless you
A not great episode of my hae (hereditary angioedema) is starting up. My joints and 1 hand are swelling up pretty bad. I’m glad today is a rest day in the plank challenge lol I’m gonna try and take a 1/2 day at work but if not I’ll just truck on. I probably won’t be on here much while I wait for this episode to pass. The meds make me irritated and a little loopy. Hope everyone is well.
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Awww I love her 
Re: your reply above, about 2 key things you perceive in AA: the question of “God” and the hesitancy to concede that alcohol is not in your life (and you need to commit to keeping it out).
God is many things to many people. It’s fruitful to unpack that feeling because it raises insightful questions: what about the idea of “God” makes you nervous? Or is it something about the imperfect perceptions we humans have of “God” that is unsettling? Or… there is so much about the idea of “God” or a higher power & purpose that actually tells us a great deal about our sense of self, if we reflect on it.
But recovery is ultimately about sustained recovery, so if it’s just that concept that throws you there are many other recovery programs with different philosophies:
Resources for our recovery
The second question - joining AA feels to you like giving it up for good - is something only you, ultimately, can unpack for yourself. But I’ll chime in here and say it sounds a lot like that self-absorbed “addict brain” that every single one of us here on TS knows well. It’s the part of us that rationalizes and justifies and dodges and evades. It’s a pro at that. Then we say, “But no! Not now.” And for the first little bit he settles. Then he starts whispering in our ear, and we get creative with our justifications and evasions.
That voice is pride. She says I am what I am and I want what I want and I don’t answer to nobody. She doesn’t care that we have to answer to our sense of self-respect, our sense that we are a person who can and does follow through when we say, “I will do this,” and then actually does it.
If you know alcohol’s out, if you’re bot having the drink that matters - the first drink - then not drinking isn’t an issue, right? 
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I’ll mull your thoughts over some today.
When I quit cigs I kept almost a full pack in my glove box for 6 months! It was like a safety blanket. One day the hubs said btw I smoked those cigs. I probably wouldn’t have gotten rid of them but it didn’t bother me that they were gone because I had almost forgotten they were there. Obviously I can’t do that with alcohol cause if it’s here I’ll drink it. It’s like by not fully saying never is like the safety blanket.
Glad to hear from you. Hope you are well. I feel like you were missing for a few days
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I was missing for a few days. I have been a bit blah recently and I’m kinda feeling like I’m spinning my wheels. It feels like a transition moment for me; the pink cloud of early sobriety has passed and now I’m reclaiming my sober self - even building a new sense of myself - but I feel a bit lost about it. It’s tempting to just be like “Blah whatever it doesn’t matter” - but I feel like it’s important to carve out some new directions, to identify a few goals and stick with them. I’ve been doing the plank challenge and that feels good actually. I want to have more of a sense of purpose and place for myself. 
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Well I know you will find what you are looking for. You always seem so insightful and good at helping others look at things outside of the box. I’m sorry that you are feeling blah and hopefully it will pass soon
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Thanks Jenn I appreciate it. I’m starting to think it’s the same thing a gardener must feel as the weeks of weeding and maintenance turn into months and years: it’s the same thing every day. But that’s ok. The garden’s beauty comes from exactly that routine.
There is meaning in routine I suppose. Now I need to learn to be content in the space I’m in; to be content with myself. Time with myself. I’m learning to value that
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Been in a workout rut this week but I have an appt with an ortho Doctor about my shoulder next week. I don’t really have anything good for my thread today. I did try a new and easy recipe yesterday.
Brown some meat and stir in 1 seasoning packet from ramen then remove from pan
add some frozen vegetables, 2 cups of water, 2 packages of beef ramen, 1/4 tsp of ginger. Bring to boil and cover. Let simmer for a few minutes and add beef back into pan. I added some soy and fish sauce on top. It was pretty good.
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That sounds delicious! Sometimes the everyday stuff is worth appreciating. Sounds like a good meal sister
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Today was really mentally exhausting. Work was crazy busy. I was typing away when I heard a thump, look back and Haley was on the floor and shaking. She had been in the chair the dogs sit in while I’m working. She has had seizures since we rescued her and the vet told us it wasn’t often enough to have her on medication but as she is aging they are becoming more frequent. Still every few months but today’s seizure was bad. At one point I was screaming for my husband because she couldn’t catch her breath and I didn’t know if this was it. Oh man, I was so scared. The vet aged her about 3-4 when we found her and she has been with us a little over 6. I know I will outlive my dogs but they are my children and my heart is heavy this evening thinking about the future. She slept most of the day but is back to her normal self now. The hubs is on a downward spiral and I couldn’t comfort him because I was working and then Haley. I was able
to get him into a doctor to try and find him a primary here and hopefully a mental health referral. (That’s a whole other chapter) I’m just so mentally drained. I’m gonna do this crazy long 2 minute plank and probably lay down
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Oh Jenn that’s so much to handle all at once. You’re carrying so much, I’m sorry you are going through that. It’s hard. Taking care of yourself now is probably a good idea - rest, and things will look better in the morning.
I’m so sorry to hear about Haley. It sounds like you’re very attached to her. She sounds like a wonderful dog
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Gonna try for some sleep tonight. I didn’t get much last night. Idk if the fox got into something but his stomach has been gurgling and he has had some diarrhea. I’m happy I’m off from work tomorrow. I have a productive day planned. I still feel mentally drained today but didn’t wanna not put an entry on my daily journal lol
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Today was a pretty good day. I called the vet about the fox. He started to eat and drink again when I was talking to them so They said to just watch him. I worked out and did a 3.5 mile jog. Then did a little Walmart run, got a haircut (just a trim) and made a pasta bake. I’ve been watching a show on hbo max called Snowpiercer. I’m liking it. Bout to lay down and read a bit of a book before bed. Hope everyone is well
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What book are you reading?
Sorry I haven’t been around. Been feeling a bit ‘blah’ myself, @Matt.
I don’t attend AA, but I have used the steps and my understanding of the big book (I downloaded it on my Kindle) to mold some of my own sobriety path. I’ve been to meetings here and there but have never been to one that made me excited for it.
There’s also alternatives like Smart recovery and recovery dharma.
I used therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, journaling, yoga, meditation, and this app.
My husband has also got some depression going on. I bought him a SAD light and that seems to be helping. I hope your husband gets some help. Getting mine to a doctor of any kind is impossible. 
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Sorry about your dog, too. Mine started having episodes last February. We saw a neurologist a couple months ago who said whats happening doesn’t actually seem like seizures and seems more like maybe a tumor.
It sucks so bad to watch your babies go through it.
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It’s one of those romance novels. So far it’s reminds me of a hallmark movie lol it’s call Can’t shake you
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