Thanks for this. You reminded me that I have been intending to write down my schedule where I can see and read it instead of hold it in my head. Would help me plan better.
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Definitely does I have my own timetable, these are my priority ones, then you can add anything else that isnāt Necessarily important but thing you like to do, such as hobbies
This is all 
You ok, friend? I can send some animal emojis your way, for what thatās worth.
ļø:rat:
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Hugs!!! Anything we can help with?
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You hanging in there, sweet friend?
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@MoCatt @MandiH @aircircle @ifs
Yesterday was a bit of a shit show, the morning started well, took the kids to school, including the neighbours kids, popped home for a bit spoke to my mum on the phone, then my best friend. As I was on my way out to smart my other close friend called to the door, I invited her in and told her to help herself to coffee as I was going out. She needed somewhere to go whilst waiting to pick her son up from nursery.
Smart meeting went well and I headed back home, had a shower and was getting ready to go back out to my mindfulness group. I spoke to my husband about the lack of closeness lately, he replied are you on the pill? I said no as I hadnāt been taking contraception for a few weeks because we had talked about possibly having a baby (I would love to be a mum again).
Well I just had the wind knocked right out of my sails, I felt like I had been led down the wrong path.
I got myself together and went to my mindfulness, it would have been easy to miss this after my husbands reaction. When doing our meditation we covered bei compassionate to all other people even if we donāt get on with them (easy to go into meditation with this, then it came to being compassionate to ourselves. Well I hit a block, I found that I couldnāt go any further into deep meditation with this in fact I was coming out of it.
Went back home afterwards and the boys were home from school, still confused with my husband I just concentrated on giving my kids my attention. Helped my 7yr old with his homework, when I sat down on the sofa he must have picked up I was a bit down because he cuddled into me, gave me a kiss on the cheek and said āI love you mum, Iām your boyā beaming smiles because he comforted me. Me and the two boys proceeded to file our nails while my husband cooked tea.
We had tea and then the boys had a bath and bed, I tried talking to my husband about the whole baby talk and initially he tried to brush it under the carpet, an hour later we finally spoke and I was not prepared for how it went. So I told my husband that I have this overwhelming desire to be a mum again and I do not think that I would feel fulfilled if I couldnāt have another baby while my body will allow it. I told him that I can not force him to have or want a baby and if thatās the case I donāt know how I would cope or if I would feel resentful. But this is how I feel and I want to have a baby with him.
In response my words got twisted, he said that I have just said him and the boys are not enough, that I will basically hate him, he doesnāt want a baby and if thatās how I feel maybe we should split up now and I can go and have a baby with someone else
. It seems he really didnāt hear me, other things were said trying to get him to understand my view but fell on deaf ears.
Maybe my bizarre dreams that Iāve been having were trying to tell me this was going to happen all along.
What have I done to protect myself? I went to bed, took the boys and neighbours kids to school this morning, watched my sons play, went to my meeting, late but I gave them a heads up about that. Done my cooking course, spoke to my sober buddy (who was a huge help putting alot in to perspective) very honest which I needed. Also spoke to my coach and arranged a second meeting for Friday.
Iām still gaining tools everytime a shit situation happens sober, my sober buddy has pointed out that at four months in recovery and having social care around isnāt really the best time to have a baby. And the obvious that my husband is using weed, and his behaviour isnāt always in my best interestsā¦
Times like this that I find hard emotionally, I have to step up and push myself for more help and tools. On a good note today 
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Ah Michelle - what an emotional wringer. You have certainly been through it today. I keep hearing that one should not make any huge life altering decisions in the first year of sobriety. I see the wisdom in that; I also see how disconnected from your husband you must feel right now. The thing that stands out to me here is how in touch you are with your emotions throughout all this. You are still throwing yourself into every aspect of recovery. You are working so hard to be a loving, involved mom. Perhaps use the remainder of this first year to keep going deep and finding out what you want your life to hold - and who you want to walk beside you on this sober road.
I love you so, and I am truly inspired by how you looked at this conversation with your husband for what it is - and you kept taking care of yourself. Huge, huge leaps to a better life, my friendā¦
ļø
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I should see a Year sober before getting involved in major life changing decisions, its so easy to pick out my husbands flaws but he does have good qualities too, I need to find more positivity through my journey, my sober buddy did point out that if we had a baby and then things didnāt work out, Iād be on my own and could lead to me drinking again, valid point from her she shut me down before I could say I wouldnāt drink and reminded me I canāt predict the future
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Iām sorry that youāve been having a tough time, but like @MoCatt said, stay in touch with your own feelings and focused on your sobriety. In time, the right path for you will present itself. Praying for courage, strength and wisdom for you 
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Thank you, Iām carrying on with my recovery and as long as I stick with my program I will be on the right path
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Iām so inspired by your focus and determination
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I went through this with my ex as well. I never planned on having an only child, I came from a HUGE family. My ex said absolutely not and if I wanted another one, it wasnāt going to be his. 10 years later when I finally left him, one of the first things he said was donāt go make a baby with the first guy that comes alongā¦I like wtf!!! That ship has sailed, my kid is a year and a half from graduating. I have no regrets about my path but I have learned you need to be honest about yours. That being said, I am honestly SO thankful I do not have a second child and that things worked out how it should. We never had a good relationship, it would have been an added layer of difficulty. Lots of layers of difficulties added really. Iām SO proud of how you are looking at this and moving forward with your recovery!! I love that you spent your time being present with you boys. That is seriously the best redirecting you could have done, instead of focusing on your resentment you focused on your self improvement and being really present. I freaking love it!
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I suppose what hurt the most is when he said that the boys werenāt enough, thatās far from the truth of it, Iād just love another. I know what is meant to be will be, still learning along the way, Iāll get through it
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Oh, my ex used to twist everything I said so I totally understand. Itās a really tough spot for you to be in because you canāt control how he reacts to things. Just stay firm in your own knowledge of what you meant and donāt take it personally!
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Thanks hun 
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Wow, thatās quite a day. Youāre staying steadfastly dedicated to doing the right things no matter how difficult, and when youāre weighed down by emotions to boot! Youāre an incredible inspiration. I think itās brought you a long ways and will see you through the other side of this time.
Feeling misunderstood or having my words twisted has always bothered me far more than being disagreed with. And when a person youāre trying to communicate with shuts down the on their receiving end, itās so frustrating. Iām sorry it wound up causing you discouragement and pain
If your husband is not feeling up to going back to work, I can only imagine what thoughts about caring for a new baby might add to those emotions of his, regardless of whether heās capable or not. If emotions were loud enough, it probably affected what he said and how he listened and interpreted you. Thatās not on you, it sounds like he wasnāt able to completely process what you were saying with a level head.
Iām glad your sober friend was such a big help. And your 7 year old! Heart, melting. <3
When you said you went to mindfulness right after the conversation, I celebrated inside, because I know how hard it is to react with healthy coping in strong emotion, or even have healthy coping occur to me. Sounds like youāve practiced it a lot and itās becoming automatic. Youāre getting quite the toolbox!
Reading what you went through and how you dealt with it brought an image to my head. Youāre the kind of person with the inner strength and discipline to walk your wisdom and knowledge even against hurricane force winds with a face full of rain to reach better times.
Yay! Recovery Coach Michelle!
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Thank you James and sorry for not getting back to you last night like I said I would. The application is going in ready for the next intake at the end of January, I will still need to go through the interview process. I have spoken to the Head of coaches just to find out what else I need to be doing, I am expecting that Iāll need to go to AA so I can tell others about it, so Iām up for that
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No need to be sorry, I did say no rush or obligation 
I know itās just application stage, Iām just excited for you. Iāll be interested in what your AA experience is like if you do try it.
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You are probably right on this, just hoped that he could communicate in the way I now can sober, always good to have a males perspective on things @ifs
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