This is a great idea for a thread! I love it!
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Thank you! It’s definitely going to be cool to look back on this in the future. Also sometimes I feel like there’s things I need to talk about and I don’t have to worry about posting this on my thread but still it can be in the community because it might help somebody.. There definitely is multiple post on this thread that I regret but I’m not going to delete… Overall the theme is positivity and gratitude even though there is some darker elements
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I hate this Section !! With a passion !!! I’m just joking it’s not that bad. I actually like coming to this job.. it’s family owned and operated for over 100 years .. if work is done there is a lot of downtime and there not like making me scrub floors with a toothbrush or ridiculous busy work
@tailee17
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Those kinds of hardware stores are hard to find in these big-box days Love your writings!
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Well just to share. We have a store here in town that claim bring in that screw and we can match it. We have used them many times.
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I might start one too!
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568
9/16/25
Journal entry
Sometimes it feels like my life before this sobriety that I have right now happened to somebody else.. Sometimes it feels like none of that even happened And that’s why I do things to remind myself or try to talk about it. I don’t want to ever forget what it was like. What my daily life was like in active addiction… it was like an episode of intervention but every day!
I recently thought about this one time that I ended up in the hospital after a very bad alcohol binge. I remember I called the ambulance on myself because I was certain I was not going to make it until the store opened up and my heart was beating insanely and I was hallucinating and drenched in sweat and to physically exhausted to even walk.. I was scared I was going to have a seizure with nobody around. I remember when I got to the hospital the nurses asked me if I really wanted help or was I just taking a break and I remember telling them that I don’t know what I want. I remember they had to help me walk to the bathroom and At one point I almost collapsed and I remember them asking me when was the last time I ate and I said six or seven days and to me that was normal during the end stage of a binge and the look in their eyes was kind of terrifying Or just very sobering.. The look in their eyes made me realize that I really had a problem. I didn’t want to realize I had a problem. That was normal for me to take it all the way to the bottom and end up in the ER for two weeks only to repeat the whole entire process all over again pretty much as soon as I left.
In the last 20 months there has been lots of memories like this that are popping into my head or different periods of my life where I really put my life on the line or something ridiculous happened.. probably hundreds.. I guess what I’m saying is that I might feel like that previous life happened to somebody else but I’m still never going to forget.
A lot of good things have happened in the last 19 or 20 months but it’s not really about the material things or my apartment or my bank account. It’s just how I can handle what life throws at me a lot easier and I really do feel like my thinking has changed. I’m not saying I don’t have fears or worries but there’s nothing I have to run from. There’s nothing or nobody I have to run from.. I basically just got sick and tired of running and hiding. Problems and issues don’t just magically disappear. Nobody is going to Wave a magic wand and everything is better. I really have had to look in the mirror and learn who I really am. Or at least what I used to be.
I might have a bad hour or two or some bad moments but I don’t have bad days. I’m not in jail, medical detox or the hospital and I pretty much can do whatever I want. I have freedom and I’m not tied down to any substance or drink..
Thank God ..
I’m a work in progress
And this is just the beginning
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I continue to share with others you saying that you have been more times in an ambulance than an UBER. I find that very funny and laugh out loud…. Not at all really funny… but hey facts can be hilarious.
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Yeah I know what you’re saying. It’s just the truth.
I was even randomly thinking about how I used to have those little square sticky things all over me with a little circle metal piece on them .. Where they hook all the cords up to you at the hospital. Honestly if you don’t know what those are it’s probably good. It’s crazy to think that I have like 10 or 15 times of those square sticky things all over me!! I would find them all over my apartment or in the shower or sometimes I would just leave them on me because it hurt to rip them off and I would just leave them on until they fell off eventually and I would be released from the hospital with like 10 of them on me still and be going right back to drinking or pills thinking this is insane like I have a reminder literally glued on me right now and I’m still doing the same thing! It’s interesting having all of these memories come back but honestly that’s what I need to remember.
Ps: I even remember my mom a couple times being like why are those still on you? Or they would find them when they were cleaning my apartment out after a binge or bailing on things.. and honestly thinking about it right at this moment it’s almost like I was in love with pushing the limit and I was in love with the danger of everything. Maybe I should explore why that’s the case? More than I already have through steps and other recovery stuff..
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YES!!! I think this way too. Like in my mind, my past life feels like it happened to someone else. Like if i was to tell a random person about my life, they would look at me like i was crazy lol bcuz i look nothing like what has happened to me. I suppose thats a beautiful gift of recovery. But i absolutely get what ur saying. My past almost feels like it didnt really happen. Of course it did. But im so far removed from that life (by the grace of God) that it almost feels hazy.
Im grateful ur here speaking ur truth and sharing ur journey with us all!
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Thanks for participating in this thread and reaching out and being able to relate. Because of therapy and AA and also Smart Recovery I’m actually able to live with the things I’ve done or seen and my past.. Honestly for the longest time and even in the beginning of my sobriety I was thinking that I’m not really supposed to survive what I survived and how am I supposed to live a normal life but I’m actually doing it. I would like to think I’ve been pretty honest on here whether it be criminal stuff or just scary situations because of drug and alcohol use or detox type things / Hospitalizations and so forth but that’s because it helps me and maybe it helps someone else.. And I’ve probably only shared not even half of it maybe 30% of it !! Honestly when I need the program the most or the people in my network is when I have these crazy flashbacks or situations that I remember.. Then I start thinking who am I kidding kind of like imposter syndrome or something but then that’s when I quickly have to take my own advice and move a muscle change a thought.. The truth is though there’s going to be times when I’m not busy and I have to just be OK with The Thoughts in my head or memories.. I think I’m actually going to be OK… I know running away won’t help
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571
9/20/25
Journaling about growing up with music and recording/ Life perspectives
- *Not the first time I’ve journaled or talked about music on here so bear with me…
Music has always been very important to me. Honestly it’s probably my first memory. For every year of my life since I was six I pretty much have a album or CD for that year that I was obsessed with or I remember. When I was a kid there was this battle between me and my parents where they would come to my room and turn my radio off and I would turn it back on.. Over and over again all night! It’s like I was studying and soaking everything up.. I remember watching VH1 pop-up video at 5 or 6 years old. And the sounds and the music was my escape from my anxiety. At the time Nirvana, Soundgarden, blind melon, and stuff like that was very popular and was some of the first music I heard. I come from a musical family so my family never told me what to listen to and when I had my different phases of music growing up or learning what I liked they never judged me.. They might’ve been judgmental or toxic about a lot of things but not about music.
I specifically remember the first CD I ever bought with my own money was Lenny Kravitz 5. That’s the album that has the song fly away on it.. If I wasn’t outside playing sports or skateboarding I was listening to music and I was studying and learning.
As far as playing instruments I started with drums when I was about six and I would play along to A lot of Green Day songs more than anything with a big speaker playing Green Day and I would play drums along. That’s how I learned how to play drums. Then about 10 years later I taught myself to play guitar because I realized I couldn’t write songs with drums. Honestly I don’t remember how I learned to play guitar .. I think it was just trial and error. I remember at one point my dad got me lessons but I only took one lesson and then decided I could learn my own way. Surprising right that an alcoholic drug addict wants to do it their way !!!
I started experimenting with recording music around 21 with a four track multi track cassette recorder.. I used to record these random songs And I would record stuff off the television Like commercials and people talking and I would put it backwards in the background of songs and it was a lot of just really raw punk/indie type stuff. My recording learning or experiments was short-lived because of my addictions really taking hold around 24.. Around 24 is when I stopped spending money on anything but drugs or alcohol and pretty much sold the majority of my stuff except for my blue telecaster and one amp that I used to make money or just to have for home..
I’ve never been in a band but I’ve played music with friends.. More than anything I have enjoyed playing music on my own and writing and recording. But I have played background music for restaurants, and I’ve done a ridiculous amount of busking .. Which is a word for street preforming.. I would bring a portable amp and my electric guitar and I would set up where there is lots of foot traffic and just play music.. It’s hard to guess how many hours I’ve done that but no joke at least 5000. At least 5000 hours! Mostly in Jacksonville but also in a couple other cities and states. Sometimes I was playing seven or eight hours a day at multiple locations. That’s pretty much how I supported myself throughout the years when I couldn’t hold jobs. Yes the money was good and on average at least 25 bucks an hour but more than anything it was really cool meeting a lot of people and making my own hours and not having to answer to anyone. At one point I even had business cards and that’s how I would get more professional restaurant gigs. It’s something I might consider doing again down the line but honestly right now I feel like I need a regular job. I guess I bring all of that up to say that maybe I need to find people to play music with and maybe that would be good for me because mostly it’s been me doing solo stuff.
A few months back I started buying equipment again and realized I wanted to learn to record music again and play guitar every day like I used to and other instruments. Honestly it’s been a little bit of a learning curve and trying to find motivation.. It’s easy to ride my bike around the city. It’s easy to watch a movie. It’s easy to read. But it’s not easy to sit down and learn this machine or try to get a track just right or adjusting levels.. Sometimes one track taking 20 takes !! It’s not easy but like I’ve said before in other posts That I can’t wait for the right moment or I’ll be waiting forever. Recently I feel some momentum gaining because I’m forcing myself to sit down at least an hour or two a day but maybe forcing is the wrong word… At first I might Not want to sit down and mess around with this machine or try to write some thing but once I do I feel good about it and I actually get work done.
Lately when I sit at my little creative area with my equipment I feel so much gratitude. Probably for 10 years at least I have wanted this 24 track recording machine.. More often than not I take this for granted but sometimes I am reminded how awesome this is. I can’t have this set up and drink and drug!! It’s one or the other. I choose to have my music equipment and my sanity!! I honestly didn’t think it was possible to have my own space to work on music. I didn’t even think it was possible to have any kind of shelter and be able to maintain employment. All I had to do was just try something new and listen to someone else for a change.. All I had to do was put my Recovery first and take it seriously!!!
Right now I just have bits and pieces of things and I’m working on multiple songs at one time but I’m definitely going to share completed songs with the community when I’m done. I’m not really holding back with my lyrics and I definitely want to talk about what I’ve been through and my struggles. I feel it’s best for me to be honest no matter what I’m doing or just be real. I can’t be anything else but real!!
The only way is forward.. Because I refuse to go backwards.
Ps: Sorry for any grammar issues ..I did not pay attention in high school or school in general.. I didn’t even really go half the time!! I have read through two or three times to make sure nothing is too bad but I might check again in a little bit. Thank you for letting me write about whatever I need to write about.
@CR84 I meant to tag you in this but forgot! I’m sure you can relate to this post and would like to hear about your music story and what got you to where you’re at with your collection and obvious love for music
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Absolutely! I am right with you. Pretty much beginning to end. I found an old hard drive from when I got sober when I was 20 and the stuff I don’t even remember… until I hear or read it. We got more EVH gear this last round of course. Juno and Jupiter are getting aquatinted with the Tascam 
Music is by far the best medicine on the planet. I love seeing someone else on a similar rediscovery.
PS My ADD is off the charts… apologies
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Very cool !! I’ll definitely keep you updated on the progress and I’ll definitely reach out if there’s something I don’t know because maybe you can help. I like just about any kind of music and I definitely grew up on the classics Especially Van Halen!! I like that Eddie Van Halen pretty much got extremely good at guitar by taking his guitar apart And basically just thinking outside the box..
Another cool thing is that I bought a record player recently well actually about a year ago now and I’m starting to get a really good collection together so far I have a couple Kendrick Lamar albums, Mac Miller, Tame Impala, J Cole, Cage the elephant, Jimi Hendrix and now Alanis Morissette.. So it’s a pretty wide collection or whatever. There is so much music out there it’s almost overwhelming but it’s a good thing and I pretty much am buying a record at least once a month. I have a list that I’m pretty much checking off and I want to get at least one album from like 25 of my favorites
I think I want to get room on fire by The Strokes next
And no worries on the ADD! I’m pretty familiar with that lol
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I think it is great you are being so creative and channeling that extra energy you have from being sober into something cool! Look forward to hearing the results.
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574
9/22/25
- for my time capsule
Went to the skate park very early Saturday morning at 5:30 and had a blast. I was the only person there and it felt like my own personal skate park. I put my phone on the ground and recorded some videos and then took screenshots. Then I put them in black-and-white. The quality is not that great but I still think they look cool and they create cool memories..
Feels good to be back on the board. For me skateboarding is synonymous with sobriety. I’m not skateboarding when I’m drunk or high. I’m hiding in a dark room being depressed avoiding life. When I’m skateboarding I’m sober and living life. actually living!!
Ps: These will look even better down the line when I get a new phone and better video and camera that is not 5 or 6 iPhones ago !!
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This made me think of a song called brutal love by Green Day. It’s a song about struggling with addiction or “ brutal love” off a trio a lack luster albums they released about 10-15 years ago .
But I also want to say I think most of us had some twisted obsession or love of pushing limits or thinking we’re almost invincible. It’s part of what makes us addicts. I think back to the crazy things I did as a teens and in my 20’s and I’m lucky I made it , hell even some of the things I risked to get high with my babies sleeping in the next room in my 30’s . I’m very fortunate much worse things didn’t happen to me.
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Thanks for participating in this thread And sharing some of your story or experience… I love green day. I will have to look for that song!! And I hear you I know I’m not alone with my thinking and Almost liking the danger..We are definitely lucky to be here. It’s really a trip to think about everything and I’m sure it is for you also !!
I look back on my 20s and even my early 30s… And it’s so crazy because I really got used to ending up in the hospital or in the ER and it got to the point where I almost felt like nobody cared unless that was happening. I almost got addicted to going to the hospital in a sense , or psych wards/ medical detox or any of that. In some kind of sick sense it’s like I liked the attention. And everyone caring and worrying about me and then I would get better and it’s like everyone would disappear..But I guess that’s because all I had was family or like close friends and I can’t expect them to be around me 24 seven after I leave the hospital. Plus those were people outside of AA that didn’t understand what I was going through.. Looking back I didn’t have support or a network because I wasn’t doing anything for my recovery and I wasn’t having any kind of social life. I wasn’t learning how to be OK with just sitting and thinking by myself.
I also Thought about recently how Being in the hospital was one of the only places I felt safe and I remember always having a sense of relief when I ended up in there.. Like OK it’s over ..I can breathe now.. I can get back on track now.. I mean they would be running all kinds of tests After pretty much saving my life and it didn’t even cross my mind that something might be wrong with my liver or kidneys or who knows what.. I was literally happy to be there and sometimes didn’t even wanna leave.. I don’t know it’s crazy!! I got used to everything like that. I felt comfortable when I was homeless and sleeping on concrete and felt scared to have belongings and walls around me.. Got comfortable with the hospital and detox.. I think more than anything one of my biggest accomplishments is adjusting to regular life and having an apartment and being OK with not being in the hospital..
When I first got this apartment like a year ago I was so scared to buy things because I was so used to having my bags packed and getting ready to run out the door back to my old life because I repeated that hundreds of times..
I’m very grateful today to say the least
I guess for adapting and learning how to be a part of things or regular life.. For lack of better words the devil still tries to get me and tell me I’m not supposed to live this life and I feel like an imposter but that’s bullshit!!
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I had an 11 before my 16 (just got)…. a world of difference lol
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Thank you so much for this incredibly honest, naked post. It was very brave and I could absolutely relate. It’s important for us to remember those times, though we may just want to forget.
I actually went to a meeting last night for the first time in several months, and we were reading from the big book and it was talking about how easily we forget all the bad times, and only remember when the substance made us feel good. I realized this is the total opposite of how the human mind usually works. Normally we remember painful memories more easily than we remember good ones, because we’ve evolved to respond that way to things that are threatening to our survival. But for addicts/ alcoholics, when it comes to drugs/ alcohol, it’s the exact opposite. Probably because in the natural world dopamine would never be released at such high levels. So we remember the times we felt good, but in a really abstract way, totally removed from the hangovers or any of the other negative consequences. Just absolute insanity. Anyway thank you for the share.
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