The glass of Bluekoolaid is half full

[Reighn]

“Surprising right that an alcoholic drug addict wants to do it their way !!!”

LOL! totally

Also, your grammar is better than a lot of people’s, so i think you’re good.

This is all very exciting. I think boredom takes a lot of people out of recovery. (Definitely me.) I go to meetings, but it’s mostly all retired people doing nothing, telling the same boring stories ad nauseum. Anyway i know that sounds really negative but I think it’s a real, serious issue that nobody talks about. I read that people with ADD have fewer dopamine receptors in our brains, which makes us very susceptible to addiction problems. Something like 25% of addicts have ADD, so it’s not an insignificant number of people. I can’t go on medication for it, because I’ll abuse it, so i really struggle. My point is, it’s really cool to see someone actually doing awesome creative things! I really can’t emphasize enough how important and inspiring it is. Keep doing what you’re doing!!

Also Dookie was the first CD I ever had

[bluekoolaid_88]

This is a really good perspective and I never thought about that how music and movies do romanticize drug use and that culture and craziness/ danger and stuff like that and that’s what sells maybe.. But seriously thank you so much for your input and words and participating in this thread that means a lot to me. Feel free to post on here anytime about anything even if you don’t know where to post some thing and you’re unsure you could always come here..

[bluekoolaid_88]

That’s awesome to hear that you went to a meeting! I really do love the big book and I remember the first time I read it I was thinking wow this is explaining everything I’m going through and my problem and it has the solution right in it.. If I’m being honest though I have a hate and love relationship with AA.. Sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it. But on the topic of honesty and as far as me posting things I’ve always felt safe here to talk about anything. I don’t know why that is but I’m going to just keep talking about whatever I need to talk about as long as it’s not going to make someone uncomfortable in a bad way or jeopardize somebody’s Recovery..

[bluekoolaid_88]

Sometimes I wonder if boredom is a choice because I think speaking for myself I got comfortable with living a certain way or making excuses or I didn’t really want to get better so I hid behind certain things Or reasons to go back out that weren’t anywhere close to being legitimate because there is no real reason to relapse.. it’s just made up bullshit

If I’m being honest I haven’t been bored in like 20 months because of routines and honestly just being excited about life. I don’t even wanna go to bed because there is so much fun things to do and life to live. It’s like I’m six years old again or something and the world went from black-and-white to color.. It was black and white when I was drinking and drugging and now it’s in color and I can really appreciate everything around me. Honestly I don’t have time to be bored. I’m making up for lost time

I definitely have ADHD and I’ve been diagnosed a couple different times. I know what you mean about abusing the medication that they give you for that and that’s why I don’t take it either but also I have learned a lot of coping strategies to deal with my mental health problems. Riding my bike and skate boarding and music is probably in my top three. But also it’s just all of those slogans or things you hear in meetings that really are true. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight and it takes a lot of hard work and I can’t expect my character defects or shortcomings to be solved maybe when I want them to be solved but when my higher power sees fit.. I feel like there is a time for everything. Thanks again for your input and reaching out.. I guess I could’ve posted all of these responses in the same post but that’s OK…

[CR84]

I couldn’t have said it better.

[Reighn]

Yeah I know it sounds a little bit petty to complain about being bored, and I try to keep it in perspective, but I also live in central Florida, in a pretty small town, with my parents, and I have a really hard time connecting with other people, and only work a couple days a week washing dishes. I have hobbies but I also struggle with depression and social anxiety and don’t have a lot of friends. Anyway I just think it’s cool that you’re doing fun and creative things. I think it’s a great contribution to the recovery community in general to be at least trying to have some fun. I was thinking about maybe making a podcast about having fun in recovery and dealing with things. Maybe that’s a weird idea but I just think it can be hard to have fun when you’re getting clean/sober and that figuring out how to do that is important for maintaining recovery long- term. But it can feel like there’s not really space to talk about it, because it just sounds like whining.

[bluekoolaid_88]

585
10/3/25

TW: Criminal activity/ Theft because of alcoholism

Thursday morning I stopped at the gas station by my job to get a breakfast burrito which I rarely do. Or at least I rarely Go to that gas station at all. I usually buy everything I need for the week and just pack my food for work. Anyway when I was walking around the gas station I saw this guy ride up on his bike and park next to my bike and I could see the look in his eyes and I knew right away that he was going to come in there and steal a bunch of stuff and just walk out. I know that look because I’ve been there done that. The way he was walking ..he had a mission. Like a messed up 007!!

To be honest there’s a couple ways of stealing alcohol or really anything in a store ..you either just come in there and take whatever you want and walk out Or it’s more inconspicuous and you spend more time in there or even buy one thing but steal 19 things So it looks less obvious. Either way its stupid and desperate but I’ve done both more times than I’d like to admit. But that’s where my addiction used to take me. Especially near the end of a binge.

Anyway when I saw him walking in I had a good idea that’s what he was doing ..that he was going to grab a few cases and just run out of there. And that’s exactly what happened.

A few minutes later I was sitting out front on my bike eating the burrito and he stumbled out carrying 2 - 12 packs of Heineken But the problem was he was too drunk to even ride his bike or at least once he had the 12 packs he could not ride the bike away and the gas station employees were yelling at him saying they hope he gets hurt! It’s almost like the greed got him. Maybe if he would’ve just took a 32 ounce beer he would’ve got away but that’s besides the point.

In Florida the law is they cannot touch you.. If you steal all they can do is call the cops or maybe just say some crazy things to you which is what happens usually. I knew about that Law Early on in my Alcoholism and addictions and that’s why I usually resorted to that when I didn’t want to spend money because I would be 2 miles away by the time the cops got there.. Changing clothes in the alley. It’s funny to think about it now I guess but at the same time extremely pathetic and sad.

Once he got on the bike with the two cases of beer he fell to the ground and I was sitting there eating my burrito just watching this go down ..if I’m being brutally honest I just felt grateful that it wasn’t me and I remember what that felt like to be desperate and addicted.. Once the guy fell to the ground and the beer went everywhere a undercover cop just happened to be there and ran around the corner and Tackled him to the ground and then some other people that were pumping gas ran up to help the guy hold the thief to the ground. And the whole entire time I’m sitting maybe 15 feet away on my bike eating a burrito on my way to work almost 600 days sober from opiates and alcohol.

Honestly I felt bad for the guy because I know that he just needs help and the messed up thing is him going to jail might temporarily help but more than likely he’s not really going to get better with the system that we have In the United States. Not to get political but that’s just my opinion. Jail is a business.. it’s not a rehab.. Even though ironically most rehabs are businesses as well.

There’s a good chance that guy was not able to get bonded out at first appearance and he’s probably still sitting in jail right now sobering up maybe detoxing which maybe that’s the best thing he needs.

I know he made a couple bad choices that morning and it didn’t help to resist arrest and threaten the undercover officer. Logic and reasoning goes right out the window when you’re under the influence or needing your next fix ..at least it did for me!!

I just know that morning I rode my bike the rest Of the way to work thinking about the times I have spent in jail and especially this last time when it was two months and I didn’t think I was coming home. I’m so glad to not be having to steal anymore or commit other crimes to feed my addiction. Early on I honestly used to miss doing crazy things but now I like normalcy and like Safety. I like being stable. I like knowing what’s going to happen more than likely. I don’t like surprises. I just want to be a normal person in society who goes to work and lives a normal life. That’s what I’m doing but that’s definitely not what I was doing 585 days ago… I’m grateful More than words can properly explain

Just another reason why I won’t go back to drugs or alcohol… Because there’s 100% chance I will steal and do ridiculous things! No doubt in my mind

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Wow what an experience u had! I laughed, if Im being honest, when u spoke about stealing a bunch of stuff yet paying for 1 item at the cash register so it doesnt look suspicious. I used to do that all the time lol I laughed bcuz i could relate. Insanity for sure lmao

But its amazing how much recovery changes us. I feel the same way when i see people “nod off”. I feel grateful that it is no longer me doing that. But i feel sad for the person thats currently experiencing it.

@bluekoolaid_88

Early on I honestly used to miss doing crazy things

Yes!! We are children of chaos, who love the drama and insanity which that lifestyle brings. But i too love stability now. I love predictable now. I love normalcy now. Dare i say, i love having nothing to do now. Its such a beautiful thing to see how far weve come bcuz of recovery.

Beyond proud of you Trevor. From what I have read in ur posts, u have come a LONG way from the crazy lifestyle u had before. Its really inspiring to me, to see u doing so well. Grateful to be on this journey with u friend!

[CR84]

Is it bad the entire time I read this I just picture you nonchalantly just eating your burrito

[Cjp]

Lol same here

[bluekoolaid_88]

Thank you so much for reaching out and participating in this thread that means a lot! It’s cool that you can relate and I think a lot of us have done some pretty crazy things during our addiction days and it really comes down to desperation and not thinking properly because the drug and alcohol tells you what to do. Sometimes there is brief periods where I think I miss certain aspects of that life or even the feeling but pretty quickly I’m reminded of the withdrawal’s or ending up in medical detox, psych wards or ending up homeless because the last thing I’m going to do is pay rent when I’m in the middle of a binge or run!!!

it’s also cool being able to tell the signs like recently at work this guy was sneezing like crazy and really agitated and watery eyes and all kinds of things and I took him outside and I was like bro I’m not going to bullshit with you like how are you doing really? I was like I know what’s going on so don’t try to lie to me. I have to be direct with people because this is 2025 and it’s Russian roulette with any pill. And he broke down and said he’s in the middle of a binge or addiction to pills and he can’t get what he needs or whatever but he has to try to hide it at Work and still work and I pretty much told him about the medical detox options around here and How at the very least he can get an appointment to get medication to detox at home and I even told him if he has to make something up to be gone from work for five or six days at least he can get back on track and I told him that Recovery is possible. But honestly today I could tell that he didn’t make the decision to get better he’s just maintaining. I’ve done my part.

I really have come a long way and sometimes I seriously tell myself that it wasn’t that bad but it really was and the bottom kept getting lower because there is a trap door at the bottom.. It’s not like when I started out with opiates and alcohol when I was 21 that I was planning on adapting to homelessness, multiple versions of theft to support my habit or have money, like learning the system in the wrong kind of way and giving up on my health and family but that’s where it took me. I’ve said it before but the best thing that happened was me actually deciding to leave AMA from medical detox Almost 600 days ago because I went back to the same area that I had committed those crimes and the police have been looking for me so getting arrested and actually leaving detox was a good thing at least for that time period. Being on felony probation and having the threat of going to prison is exactly what I need because it has given me enough time to build a foundation and actually Adapt to long-term sobriety. I’m not recovered but I’m recovering and I just don’t feel like ending up in medical detox like 105 pounds and unable to eat food and no money and starting over and all of that ridiculousness.

I want to say that I’m really proud of you as well and you have definitely faced some obstacles in recovery as well and you are pushing forward every day and growing more and more and it’s awesome to see. It’s pretty cool that in this community we are experiencing in real time a bunch of people that are literally getting better every day and Actually living.

Being a part of life doesn’t mean it’s easy all the time but it’s so much better when you make it through some bullshit situation and come out the other end still sober and you still have your belongings and your apartment and your family and whatever else.. Still have your sanity and health. At least that’s what it feels like for me Or how I think about Life on life’s terms.

[bluekoolaid_88]

@CR84 @Cjp

That was the best burrito I ever had. It tasted like freedom.

And thank you both for your support and friendship and really glad you’re here. Thanks for participating in this thread. Because I can’t do it alone

[bluekoolaid_88]

587
10/5/25

“ The Magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding.” Unknown

Heard this quote on this compilation video on this channel called Inspiredbyflorian. I usually start my day off every day at work with one ear phone in and listen to these compilations because they help for the busy day Ahead and help me stay on track As far as my mindset. I heard this quote a couple days ago and it really hits home with me. It’s almost like I don’t have to go far or search far for something awesome to happen and the things that causes anxiety or stress in my life Most of the time is because of something I’m not doing that I should be or procrastinating which honestly these days I rarely procrastinate. Of course I have some long term and short term goals but in all reality I’m not sure what the end goal is of all of this hard work but I know that as long as I stay sober and don’t forget the reality of where a drink or drug will take me then I actually have a chance at having a good life. I don’t need to have the plan. I Just know that I don’t ever want to go back to being a loser and sleeping in the park all day drunk with everything I own in a book bag. That doesn’t have to be my life and it’s not going to be. Honestly looking back I can’t believe the way I was living and I can’t believe it was normal. Thank God I got arrested Almost 600 days ago and Had to be somewhere where I had no choice but to think about my life and couldn’t go anywhere or run away. No more running away!

Ps: I tried to look this quote up and see who said this but it Said it was possibly attributed to this guy but I guess nobody knows specifically who first said this but I guess that doesn’t matter as far as being on Talking sober because maybe it’ll help somebody and That’s the whole point!! It Not like I’m writing a paper or Essay…Also I don’t really know what attributed means so maybe I should look that definition up!!

[Reighn]

It’s important to remember where we came from. It’s so easy to forget, and lose focus

[Reighn]

Attribute means to give the credit/blame for something

[bluekoolaid_88]

592
10/11/25

I spent a couple hours working at some music tonight and doing some writing and editing/mixing and working at my 24 track recording machine. Really focusing. I was going to watch a movie but then I realized that’s not what I need to be doing right now..

I felt a pretty bad headache coming on so I walked up to Walgreens to get some Aleve and on the walk up there I realized how grateful I was to have a headache from writing and working on music versus what it would’ve been in the past on a Friday night. It might sound crazy but I am literally grateful to have this headache tonight from working at my goals and dreams. I’m grateful to have a headache from creating versus having a headache from destroying.

It’s easy to watch Tubi or ride my bike or just lay around and daydream which I rarely do these days but you get the picture.. The hard part is recording a guitar part 20 times until it’s right or trying to get the proper word placement in a rhyme or line or listening to something 1000 times and getting the mix right.. Of course that process produces a lot of joy for me but also it can be really hard work which means I can’t Have any distractions around me.

It’s been probably 10 or 12 years since I worked on recording music or was really writing songs and I feel the music bug coming back and I honestly never thought I would have my own space to work at music or have the money to buy the equipment or the sanity to even do it. That being said these songs are not going to get created by watching movies or scrolling on YouTube.

Since I have a complete full day off Sunday I decided I’m going to clear my apartment of any distractions so that my only option after obligations is to work at music or write. I’m going to get rid of my TV and I’m going to delete any movie apps on my phone. If I’m home I’m going to be writing or Working at my songs and playing all the various instruments and practicing/ recording. If that’s my only option then I am more likely to get work done.

I guess this decision comes after just being fed up with wasting to many years and truth is I do feel like I have a gift and maybe it is possible to make a living off of my Music. I’m not trying to be rich or famous but it would be really awesome if my job was to wake up and record music and I made enough money to have rent and food.

Of course there is going to be people that say I can’t do that or they’re going to talk shit but also those are the kind of people that would not be willing to get rid of their television or delete their Netflix to reach a goal so I’m not really concerned about those people.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t have time for my recovery because most of my Recovery commitments are not in my apartment so the time that I’m here I want to be working at creating music Not watching other peoples lives on a screen. And it’s not like I won’t have time to relax but then again I’ve been on summer vacation for 15 years.

It’s also realizing how much stuff I’ve gotten done music wise in the last month or two and that’s barely scratching the surface or maybe working at 40% of my free time and having all of these other things around me that are interfering and if I took those things away it almost feels like There is no limit to what I could do.

And to make things even more awesome is the fact that I’m approaching 600 days sober in about a week!! 600 days ago I was almost on my way to prison and honestly thought I was going for three years and now 592 days later I’m writing this in my comfortable apartment with really nothing to worry about. And I’m living a really good life.

The universe definitely has my back!!
So I won’t forget where I came from or where I used to be…

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Love that u are sooo involved with ur passion of music. And its great to read that ur dedicating a lot of time tom something u love.

Im excited for u and ur 600 days approaching. Thats truly amazing and such hard work to accomplish. Im super proud of u!

[bluekoolaid_88]

Thank you. I’m really excited and I feel like I’m gaining momentum because the more I work at it the more normal it becomes to do this instead of waste time watching TV Or scrolling the Internet. I have a small four hour shift on Saturday and then I don’t go back to work till Monday every week and I just got home and it’s like I’m thinking about watching a movie but it’s just easy to do that so I’m going to force myself to stay at this machine and I know later on when I look back at what I got done today I’ll be grateful that I pushed through and I’ll be happy on what I worked on or recorded..

I feel like it’s like everything in sobriety takes practice and the more you do it then your mindset changes and things become normal that might’ve been hard before. I’m not saying it’s hard for me to play music it’s just sometimes hard to focus and it’s not easy doing everything yourself music wise. I seriously never thought I would have equipment again and have my own space and time to do this without worrying about something ridiculous.

I am beyond grateful for my life right now and this is just the beginning.

Thanks for reaching out and participating in this thread and I’m really proud of you and you’re doing awesome! I know every day might not be easy but I know it’s a heck of a lot better than what it used to be I’m sure!!

Ps: Sobriety equals productivity and better focus

[Cjp]

Id love to hear some of your work!!

[bluekoolaid_88]

I’m definitely excited to show the community and I’m thinking how I could do that even though I’m not done with a lot of these songs. I might possibly make a YouTube page and then I can record with my phone the stuff coming from my playback speakers from the machine. I’m currently trying to combine rap, indie rock and reggae. Most of the current songs I’m working on are just about what my life was like before Recovery and coming to terms with a lot of things I needed to write about. I really only know 30% of this machine and there is so much more to learn and I’m starting over basically after not doing anything musically for years. It won’t be long and they’ll be some stuff on the Music thread for everybody to listen to. But to be honest I’m writing and recording as if nobody is going to hear this that way I don’t hold back or think about peoples likes , dislike’s or If it’s good enough or whatever. I’m just doing it for me and if people like it then that’s a bonus

Of Course when these songs are done and mastered and mixed properly I’ll probably put maybe one or two on SoundCloud and some other streaming type things but honestly I want to hold onto the majority of them until I figure out what my plans are as far as putting this music out there but in the meantime I definitely can post a little snippets on YouTube..

Ps: Basically I haven’t learned how to export the songs off of this machine yet.

And As of now I’m calling my music or name

Sequoia Street

But that could change and I might also use a strange combination of my name and something else like my middle name and then a fictional name or whatever It’s called