A post was merged into an existing topic: Lounge daily check in #3
601
10/20/25
10:05 journal entry
I know I’ve kind of been talking about it a lot lately but I guess I’m struggling with this Probation thing right now and I want this to be over. The last couple days especially I just can’t get it out of my head and I feel overwhelmed because there’s so much out of my control. But then again it’s always like this a couple days before my appointment every month where I feel overwhelmed about going into that office. Even though I’m doing what I’m supposed to do it’s still scary to go into that office every month and on top of that it’s extra stressful this month because I’m at my halfway mark of Probation and I feel like This appointment is pretty important and I guess curious to see what my Officer says if I’m able to move forward with talking to my lawyer and going to court to get early termination. At the end of the day I’m the one that put myself in this situation and there’s also the fact that it saved my life and helped me get on track and get used to living in the real world/ having a routine. I don’t think I’d be alive if I didn’t get arrested 600 days ago. I feel like I’ve had to utilize my tools and net work almost triple than I normally do but if that’s what I have to do to get through the day right now then that’s what I have to do.. I’ve had to take multiple breaks throughout the day to pray to the universe and remind myself that everything is OK. I’ve had to call people a lot and reach out on here. Like I said I feel like I’m doing all of these things triple than the amount I normally do.. I don’t know how many times I literally had to walk away and just ask the universe to please help me get through this day and walk with me.
On a completely different subject but at the same time just reminded me how much I’ve grown is I literally had to tell a good friend actually one of my best friends tonight that I don’t see myself hanging out with him anytime soon. I debated on being brutally honest but we are just not on the same wave length right now. In the past we played music together and did some recording, and we lived together a couple different years and have a lot of the same similar friend group. But if I’m being honest his sobriety is not really what I would consider sobriety. Or the sobriety I want to be around. Yes he is sober. But I don’t think he’s done anything to deal with his past or why he drank and did drugs type thing!! He reached out to me after I didn’t hear from him for a while and this was a couple weeks ago and he made all of these plans and how we’re going to do this and that with Music and then when the time came he bailed out and didn’t call me back and I had wasted a couple hours waiting. I was pretty frustrated with that because these days I feel like time is important and if you say you’re going to do something then you do it.. I pretty much let that go but then after having some conversations with him on the phone in the last couple weeks I realize that his head is not in the right place and I try to give him advice like getting a job to help with him having a routine. I’ve talked with him about different things he can do to feel less all over the place but I think that part of him still wants to be stuck in some old ways or something. He still seems to be doing a lot of talking about all of these things he’s going to do but he doesn’t do anything and I’m sorry but I don’t want to be around anything like that these days. I want to surround myself with people that are motivated and are doing something with their life. And then to top it off he texted me tonight saying that he stole a CD from the mall acting like it’s funny or something and I’m thinking dude what are you in high school or something! And why are you texting me that when I’m on felony probation. But this is a perfect example of the type of people that I cannot risk having in my life right now. The type of person that does not want to work a regular job, still stealing, not fulfilling obligations, not keeping promises And going absolutely nowhere. Honestly it was a tough call to make tonight but this is not the first time I’ve had to call a friend from my past and tell them that I have moved on with my life and I can’t risk Having any bullshit in my life right now. I don’t want drama in my life and I don’t want bullshit. And honestly it sucks because I see a lot of potential in this friend and he is probably one of my best friends.. But this has happened a lot in the last 600 days where I really don’t want to be around any of my old friends anymore and I’ve moved on. Some of them talk shit behind my back or say stupid things like I’m too good for them now or I’ve changed. And yeah they’re right I’ve changed. I guess I wrote all of this to say that even though I’m struggling with my anxiety with this Probation stress making This honest phone call tonight to protect my freedom and sobriety felt pretty good actually. It made me realize that I have grown and Developed self respect. It made me realize that everything is going to work out and I have to continue to keep my guard up and take this life I have very seriously. I have a bubble around me and I’m protecting myself and everything in my life!!
Hopefully I go to my appointment on Wednesday and they give me some good news. God forbid they don’t and I have to continue to be on this Probation then I’m just going to have to keep pushing forward and deal with everything that this Probation brings!! At least I’m alive. At least I get to go to work tomorrow morning and work for the things in my life that I care about. At least I get to enjoy my day off on Saturday and Sunday….And if I’m being honest I don’t even really care about Saturday and Sunday because I enjoy right now. No matter how stressed I might feel sometimes or what I’m going through seems overwhelming it’s still a Amazing day compared to my life used to be. I have a lot to be grateful for today. And even though there was some ups and downs today over all it was a really great day!!
Also I’m not behind bars or 6 feet under.
So there’s that…..
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That’s a lot to digest but I understand how you must be feeling. I have stupid warrants and a suspended license, but the anxiety of dealing with it has dragged it out a lot more than necessary. I can only imagine if I got caught on felony stuff. So kudos for stepping away as you needed to breath and/or reach out. That’s huge that you can recognize the feelings and deal with them appropriately.
As far as your friend…. While I know it wasn’t easy, you have to look out for your first. I’m literally starting from scratch, but it’s necessary for who I want to be. I think that’s a similar deal for you. I’m so proud of you and 600 days of behaving for all intents and purposes LOL 
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690
1/16/2026
Journal entry
Besides staying sober my main goal is to get a nice and safe apartment in my name with no Co-signer. I’m 37 and I have never got an apartment on my own and I have never completed a lease or stayed sober in a real and corporate leasing apartment. I have done the math and with some safety net and breathing room I can be in my place in about 6 months. Unfortunately I do need a little help because of my criminal history and really no rental history of my own or without issues so I will probably get a apartment through this contractor that comes into my Job a lot and he manages like 70 apartments.. I guess my thing is that I want to pay on my own and not involve family. I want to maintain employment while I live there, stay sober and basically actually make this place my home and have somewhere I can stay long term and go to school at night. I did technically have my first apartment this last year but it was through a sober living, no electric bill, month to month and it wasn’t the same responsibility as a real apartment lease. This will also be good because I will be closer to my job.. like 15 minute drive instead of 1 hour! I really like my current job at the hardware store and average 55 hours a week. I can actually live a life with this job and have money left after bills. I’m very excited for the future and can’t wait to have a space that is truly mine. I know this will happen because I won’t let any bullshit get in the way of this goal. I guess really all I have to do is continue to take my life seriously…
All I know is that I don’t have a Department of corrections number anymore! That is a blessing but also because of really hard work and a long 19 months of action!!! And I won’t ever have DOC number again because of maintaining sobriety!
The only way is forward
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2/6/25
711
I’ve maintained employment for about 20 months! That is one of the most important accomplishments for me with my sobriety and change of thinking. I was realizing today at work that some how I’m at a job that is turning into a career or is basically not just any job. Somewhere I can stay while I do further education and have a back up plan. My job takes care of there employees, gives over time hours and able to take off for appointments, holiday pay , insurance and off every day at 5.. for a couple weeks I was applying to jobs and exploring options but I stopped doing that about a month ago because I realized any stupid problem I have with my job will be at every job. My job is to manage the warehouse of a mom and pop hardware store without the title, help customers when they get busy in the store and operate the fork lift for delivery and warehouse Tetris. I really have taken pride in my job and come prepared with all my tools and a note pad because I’m also cutting pvc pipe, making copies of keys, cutting window glass and cleaning. I’m always thinking of ways to improve productivity or increase sales or customer traffic. Even with that said Sometimes I do want to quit or run away but the difference in the last 2 years is that I think about what the problem is and I talk to my network, God and I just don’t give up. I made it through so many really difficult problems the last couple years and plenty of bullshit reasons to give up on the employment thing but I accept that I have to be employed.The hardware store is somewhere I can stay very long term and continue to rebuild my life or actually have a life like I did before 21! I really thought I was a lost cause on 2/26/24 when I got arrested for breaking into those bars. I thought my life was over. I thought I couldn’t be employed. I thought I couldn’t stay sober. I thought I could never recover from all the things I’ve been through or seen. I thought I would never be able to get where I’m at currently in life and the crazy thing is this is just the beginning. I know I’m only scratching the surface of possibilities with this sober journey.. I just need to take it one day at a time with this job and breathe, eat real food and get proper sleep, come prepared and pretend every day at work is my first day. This job really does matter and that is truly a first. But also a little scary
Thanks to whoever reads this
![IMG_0181|666x500]
Got a chance before we closed to take some pics. Photos don’t do justice there is like 20 more isles and a whole lumber yard you cant see because that photo is just the entrance plus big warehouse and gym area. Also this might sound dumb but I’m also very proud of my work station and like to keep adding things to make work easier or more comfortable since atleast a quarter to half my day is spent back in that warehouse. This place is awesome and glad to be here.
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I’m glad you made it back Trevor. I was here in 2024 when you went back on the street. It has been a pleasure to see your sobriety grow.
My sister and I were recently talking about the oddballs we know in our lives that never would consider walking away from their lives and starting new. That used to be a normal thing for me to do, burn a bridge, move, start over. I think sobriety allows us to build lives that we don’t need to escape from.
Keep at it and thanks for sharing.
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Great work @bluekoolaid_88 i love your view of this is just the beginning of possibilities. You are doing well working thru the uncomfortable thoughts and emotions my friend. Keep at it
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Endless possibilities!!! Thank you so much for the positive words. Hope you have a great Saturday. Thanks for reaching out
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Definitely relate to this. I burned my life to the ground like 50 times. The last year or 2 before I got arrested was honestly sad plus very dangerous living all around and it was like detox for 8 or 10 days or a hospital stay and then go back to the streets for 2 or 3 months and repeat. The last time I went back to homelessness I didn’t even try to maintain appearance, didn’t try to work or get help. I thought I couldn’t be in society. Was literally panhandling and just sitting at Starbucks scheming up how to get more drugs and alcohol. I remember the sushi restaurant I sleep at for like a year on and off and it was Normal at the time but now sounds crazy. I know I’m lucky to be here and I wont waste this opportunity. That is a great thing to say that I built a life I don’t want to give or throw away! Thank you for your positive words and reaching out. Hope you have a great Saturday
Ps: I remember this one time I woke up in the park at like 2 o’clock in the morning which sometimes I would sleep there and my phone and wallet and my few possessions were scattered on the ground and I remember having like $38 before I went to that park, even though I barely can remember most of that day and I guess someone stole the money from me but really don’t know much about that evening and I have no clue how many times I woke up in random places in the city and it’s literally crazy to think about it now. I’m so glad to have safe shelter and life and job , but I’m still mad about that $38 lol I can laugh about it now but it wasn’t funny back then.. I was like in panic mode at 2am .. no money and it was like 40 degrees and winter. I remember that night and it was so long waiting for day light for Starbucks to open so i could get warm and piece together the previous night. But I do remember this security guard buying me Wendys and like have bits and pieces from that strange night. So glad to not be living like that. I can’t forget those days and that’s why I talk about it
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Damn
Will power and perseverance at it best koolaid
You know exactly what you need to do
Dont ever pick up a drink or drug again
You were surved and you had your shere of drugs and alcohol
You dont ever need to feel alone and you dont EVER need to pick up EVER AGAIN. you dont want it and you dont need it. Dont do it
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Lol i love my job also
This kid went to another department checking receipts from my department on maintenance
He left maintenance because he didnt like it so now he checks receipts
6 months after
He doesnt like checking receipts so wants to come to maintenance
Odd he doesnt realize or doesnt accept a job is work and work is uncomfortable (but necessary)
1004 days ago i was in a rooming house collecting ssi, unknowingly having my last drink during my addiction
At the persise time of my drinking and druging i had no clue people willingly go to work for a good life. I thought i was invincible with my 850$ a month room in a rooming house while getting drunk and high.
At that time of my last drink, during that drink (like i possibly couldnt finish it) my wife and her family pulled up in 2 cars, said your comming with us, and i was actually extremely hesitant, unknowing what the future was.
Ok this is where the sign is
At that time i almost said no im staying at my rooming house to my wife (would have ended it all)
And also
What NO ONE KNEW AT THAT TIME
she was pregnant with my now 2 year old boy
One month aftet i moved in with her family i got a job where i am now
and
one month after i got the job SHE FOUND OUT SHE WAS PREGNANT and told me
I think at that time she was somewhere between 9 and 11 weeks pregnant
My boy is now 2 years old , 
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Thanks a lot for sharing that! It’s crazy like what we feel is ok as far as living standards in our addiction days. Like anything important or good for me went out the window and drugs and alcohol came first. So glad you made it out alive and have support from family and loved ones. Thats really awesome. And I imagine your job is actually pretty cool.. I’ve learned with the right attitude any job can be fun and rewarding.
As far as work and co workers in retail, restaurant, and construction there is workers and there is bodies. Sorry to be so blunt but usually that’s the case. I work hard everyday mostly so the managers or owners leave me alone but also because if I need time off or need help with something they don’t hesitate because they know I’m a hard worker. Plus if I work hard and multitask then time goes faster. I realized a long time ago that it’s actually easier just to do the job right the first time and not slack off.. like finding ways to get away with not working is actually more work and stress. Also I think its like a personal thing where I want to do a good job because If I know I did the best I could do today at work then I sleep better and have less problems in my head or with how I look at myself..
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I have learned something similar: there are those who do the work, and those who get the credit.
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2/19/26
724
It’s been probably 2 months or so since I moved to my parents guest house about a hour north after living 19 months at sober living .. The first 6 months in the main house then I transferred over to my own apartment but still had mandatory meetings and responsibilities with the sober living house. Honestly its what I needed after 10 years of constantly starting over..
After 2 months or longer I still don’t really feel like this is home and I do miss where I was living and a lot of routines and places. I miss walking to the river every night and all the parks and being able to bike and walk everywhere.. That is probably what I miss the most but also there is so much.
I’m pretty busy these days except from maybe 7 pm to 10pm so that’s when this creeps up and I wonder if I’m making the right decision? Am I sacrificing saving a lot of money for my sanity or peace? I don’t know if I need to give this more time or start looking for a place back where I was living.
I guess the cool thing though is that even though I’m still adjusting and sometimes almost feel like crying I’m still doing the things I need to do and I’m if anything working even harder at my sobriety and enjoying my free time with mostly sports , music , art and learning.
Also I think some of the uncomfortable feelings or not feeling like content is because of this hour commute to work everyday and I’ve never liked driving or really felt safe or comfortable doing that so have always biked. Maybe I just have to give all of this some more time because a lot has changed since I left sober living and got off probation.. I have real life problems now and I’m actually grateful for that .. at least my problems these days aren’t like damn I’m sleeping being this shopping center in a tent and panhandling for drugs everyday.. like am i going to jail today or who’s trying to find me?? What did I do last night??.. or so many other crazy problems I used to have or situations I had to deal with on a daily basis. Like my problems today are missing my apartment in the city, having to find a different hobby then biking and walking and I hate driving lol. I would have done anything to have these problems when I was siting in jail 2 years ago ( for 2 counts of burglary and facing 3 to 5 years in prison!) Sometimes it is that simple is reminding myself that I’m free and I’m sober… That I’m living!!!
Even with everything said and knowing either way everything will be ok I still don’t know if I’m going to stay at my parents or move back home. I don’t know what to do so I’m going to do nothing.. I’m going to enjoy the rest of my night and get up and go to work tomorrow even if I don’t feel like it because that’s my responsibility and that job is how I’m able to live..
Thanks to whoever reads this! Any advice always appreciated
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Love your post . My advice just keep doing what you are doing my friend.
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Thank you!! I was also thinking about this yesterday how the seasons really effect me and i forget that i go through this every winter where i feel off and I’m questioning everything and the cold, gloomy weather, getting dark early and less sunlight really does matter for me.. Every year around this time I experience these emotions. I feel like this does play a part in everything I’m struggling with. spring and summer will be good for me and maybe I will feel better about everything.
PS: 8 more days!! So crazy
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I love how grounded, reasonable, and self-aware this is. It’s okay to feel your feelings, to fondly remember life as it was. But remember, we often put golden frames around the pictures of our past. There was a time, like you’ve said, where you wished for what you have now. It wouldn’t surprise me if this uncomfortable feeling has a lot to do with the vestiges of living such an unsafe life. Constantly looking over your shoulder, never knowing if you’re going to eat that day, if you were going to see another sunrise. That kind of trauma gets imprinted into our bodies. And, as we exit the survival mode and enter into the thriving mode, we begin to feel just how much of that stress we put into our bodies…and minds.
If you are safe, stable, and have your daily needs met—why throw that away for something that wasn’t enough before? Let yourself trust the safety of where you are now…even if it’s annoying at times. And I lived in Florida for four years…I hated driving around too! 
Let yourself get a really good sober foundation, get into new routines, new things you’ll look back and miss (even though right now you don’t think you will), before moving on… that’s just my suggestion.
Besides, I’m emotionally invested in your racoon friend and need updates! 
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Thanks a lot for your words and feedback. My past definitely plays a part in how I feel today or day to day but it doesn’t have to consume me. I accept that certain things I will have to live with the rest of my life and other things will take more time. It took me about a year just to be able to buy material things because I was afraid or it didn’t feel right because I was always living with bags packed. Some things like I said I still am fighting from my past like when the dog starts barking a lot like without hesitation I grab my wallet , put shoes on and run out from to like access the situation and listen.. like do I need to get outta here!!! It was the first time I really thought about it a couple days ago or the last time it happened and I’m like damn even at almost 2 years I’m still dealing with the mental or psychological consequences of my life choices. Or like sitting by the exit at AA meetings or in restaurants. But even with all the said I’m trying to get away from the idea that I’m damaged or just not letting my past interfere with my peace for today. I been doing therapy for about a year and a half and I have learned a lot about myself and why I do the things I do or why my brain is wired the way it is. I know one thing is I’m very grateful to even be here typing this and my life is not a game to me anymore.
But seriously thanks again for reaching out and helping me put things into perspective. I never gave my sobriety enough time like a couple years ago and keep relapsing because I left before I could see the miracles like they say in AA.. I say that because it’s the same with moving and need to give it more time and don’t give up..I have had a lot of changes since leaving where I first got sober and getting off probation. But really they are good changes. I think without even realizing it I have gone back to basics the last couple weeks because that’s what is needed. I’m going to enjoy the rest of my Sunday and leave work at work. Tomorrow is a new day and if I keep working hard and living my life the way I am then everything will come together as it should. Or how the universe wants it to.
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Wow… when reading ur post, I could relate to this! 
And they sometimes pop up out of nowhere too! Just suddenly lol To this day walking thru those door alarms at grocery/retail stores make me cringe (and when they go off with not fault of my own, like the one at Walmart that malfunctions, well holy hell lol). Like i literally tense up when i walk out. Or black trucks in particular remind me of my old “working” days. It can be frustrating to feel like these moments still have somewhat control over us, but in all reality they are just reminders of how far weve come. We are safe now! We are no longer living that way, where we had to be on edge and in survival mode constantly. But I do get what ur saying… even after 4 years clean and sober, I still experience these moments. And then its constant self talk to remind me that I can just chill out. Im not doing anything wrong
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This was such a beautiful gift to me. Thank you. You shared such a vulnerable, raw part of your heart with me; and I will treasure it.
I used to be homeless. I get it. I’m still worried, even right now, of being homeless again. And it’s been 2.5 years! I have to remind myself that I was the happiest spiritually, because I literally depended on God for my daily bread. And I still have my quarks. I own a million kinds of blankets because I never want to feel that kind of cold ever again. Love those parts of yourself, those survival instincts. They kept you alive. Now let them know it’s okay to relax a little and breathe.
That takes time. And that’s why it’s important to stay at your parents where it’s safe and stable(r).
Keep being perfectly imperfectly you. You’re not damaged good nor scratch-n-dent…
You’re a healing human.
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