I’m definitely excited to show the community and I’m thinking how I could do that even though I’m not done with a lot of these songs. I might possibly make a YouTube page and then I can record with my phone the stuff coming from my playback speakers from the machine. I’m currently trying to combine rap, indie rock and reggae. Most of the current songs I’m working on are just about what my life was like before Recovery and coming to terms with a lot of things I needed to write about. I really only know 30% of this machine and there is so much more to learn and I’m starting over basically after not doing anything musically for years. It won’t be long and they’ll be some stuff on the Music thread for everybody to listen to. But to be honest I’m writing and recording as if nobody is going to hear this that way I don’t hold back or think about peoples likes , dislike’s or If it’s good enough or whatever. I’m just doing it for me and if people like it then that’s a bonus
Of Course when these songs are done and mastered and mixed properly I’ll probably put maybe one or two on SoundCloud and some other streaming type things but honestly I want to hold onto the majority of them until I figure out what my plans are as far as putting this music out there but in the meantime I definitely can post a little snippets on YouTube..
Ps: Basically I haven’t learned how to export the songs off of this machine yet.
And As of now I’m calling my music or name
Sequoia Street
But that could change and I might also use a strange combination of my name and something else like my middle name and then a fictional name or whatever It’s called
I know I’ve kind of been talking about it a lot lately but I guess I’m struggling with this Probation thing right now and I want this to be over. The last couple days especially I just can’t get it out of my head and I feel overwhelmed because there’s so much out of my control. But then again it’s always like this a couple days before my appointment every month where I feel overwhelmed about going into that office. Even though I’m doing what I’m supposed to do it’s still scary to go into that office every month and on top of that it’s extra stressful this month because I’m at my halfway mark of Probation and I feel like This appointment is pretty important and I guess curious to see what my Officer says if I’m able to move forward with talking to my lawyer and going to court to get early termination. At the end of the day I’m the one that put myself in this situation and there’s also the fact that it saved my life and helped me get on track and get used to living in the real world/ having a routine. I don’t think I’d be alive if I didn’t get arrested 600 days ago. I feel like I’ve had to utilize my tools and net work almost triple than I normally do but if that’s what I have to do to get through the day right now then that’s what I have to do.. I’ve had to take multiple breaks throughout the day to pray to the universe and remind myself that everything is OK. I’ve had to call people a lot and reach out on here. Like I said I feel like I’m doing all of these things triple than the amount I normally do.. I don’t know how many times I literally had to walk away and just ask the universe to please help me get through this day and walk with me.
On a completely different subject but at the same time just reminded me how much I’ve grown is I literally had to tell a good friend actually one of my best friends tonight that I don’t see myself hanging out with him anytime soon. I debated on being brutally honest but we are just not on the same wave length right now. In the past we played music together and did some recording, and we lived together a couple different years and have a lot of the same similar friend group. But if I’m being honest his sobriety is not really what I would consider sobriety. Or the sobriety I want to be around. Yes he is sober. But I don’t think he’s done anything to deal with his past or why he drank and did drugs type thing!! He reached out to me after I didn’t hear from him for a while and this was a couple weeks ago and he made all of these plans and how we’re going to do this and that with Music and then when the time came he bailed out and didn’t call me back and I had wasted a couple hours waiting. I was pretty frustrated with that because these days I feel like time is important and if you say you’re going to do something then you do it.. I pretty much let that go but then after having some conversations with him on the phone in the last couple weeks I realize that his head is not in the right place and I try to give him advice like getting a job to help with him having a routine. I’ve talked with him about different things he can do to feel less all over the place but I think that part of him still wants to be stuck in some old ways or something. He still seems to be doing a lot of talking about all of these things he’s going to do but he doesn’t do anything and I’m sorry but I don’t want to be around anything like that these days. I want to surround myself with people that are motivated and are doing something with their life. And then to top it off he texted me tonight saying that he stole a CD from the mall acting like it’s funny or something and I’m thinking dude what are you in high school or something! And why are you texting me that when I’m on felony probation. But this is a perfect example of the type of people that I cannot risk having in my life right now. The type of person that does not want to work a regular job, still stealing, not fulfilling obligations, not keeping promises And going absolutely nowhere. Honestly it was a tough call to make tonight but this is not the first time I’ve had to call a friend from my past and tell them that I have moved on with my life and I can’t risk Having any bullshit in my life right now. I don’t want drama in my life and I don’t want bullshit. And honestly it sucks because I see a lot of potential in this friend and he is probably one of my best friends.. But this has happened a lot in the last 600 days where I really don’t want to be around any of my old friends anymore and I’ve moved on. Some of them talk shit behind my back or say stupid things like I’m too good for them now or I’ve changed. And yeah they’re right I’ve changed. I guess I wrote all of this to say that even though I’m struggling with my anxiety with this Probation stress making This honest phone call tonight to protect my freedom and sobriety felt pretty good actually. It made me realize that I have grown and Developed self respect. It made me realize that everything is going to work out and I have to continue to keep my guard up and take this life I have very seriously. I have a bubble around me and I’m protecting myself and everything in my life!!
Hopefully I go to my appointment on Wednesday and they give me some good news. God forbid they don’t and I have to continue to be on this Probation then I’m just going to have to keep pushing forward and deal with everything that this Probation brings!! At least I’m alive. At least I get to go to work tomorrow morning and work for the things in my life that I care about. At least I get to enjoy my day off on Saturday and Sunday….And if I’m being honest I don’t even really care about Saturday and Sunday because I enjoy right now. No matter how stressed I might feel sometimes or what I’m going through seems overwhelming it’s still a Amazing day compared to my life used to be. I have a lot to be grateful for today. And even though there was some ups and downs today over all it was a really great day!!
That’s a lot to digest but I understand how you must be feeling. I have stupid warrants and a suspended license, but the anxiety of dealing with it has dragged it out a lot more than necessary. I can only imagine if I got caught on felony stuff. So kudos for stepping away as you needed to breath and/or reach out. That’s huge that you can recognize the feelings and deal with them appropriately.
As far as your friend…. While I know it wasn’t easy, you have to look out for your first. I’m literally starting from scratch, but it’s necessary for who I want to be. I think that’s a similar deal for you. I’m so proud of you and 600 days of behaving for all intents and purposes LOL
