Awww I love her 
Re: your reply above, about 2 key things you perceive in AA: the question of “God” and the hesitancy to concede that alcohol is not in your life (and you need to commit to keeping it out).
God is many things to many people. It’s fruitful to unpack that feeling because it raises insightful questions: what about the idea of “God” makes you nervous? Or is it something about the imperfect perceptions we humans have of “God” that is unsettling? Or… there is so much about the idea of “God” or a higher power & purpose that actually tells us a great deal about our sense of self, if we reflect on it.
But recovery is ultimately about sustained recovery, so if it’s just that concept that throws you there are many other recovery programs with different philosophies:
Resources for our recovery
The second question - joining AA feels to you like giving it up for good - is something only you, ultimately, can unpack for yourself. But I’ll chime in here and say it sounds a lot like that self-absorbed “addict brain” that every single one of us here on TS knows well. It’s the part of us that rationalizes and justifies and dodges and evades. It’s a pro at that. Then we say, “But no! Not now.” And for the first little bit he settles. Then he starts whispering in our ear, and we get creative with our justifications and evasions.
That voice is pride. She says I am what I am and I want what I want and I don’t answer to nobody. She doesn’t care that we have to answer to our sense of self-respect, our sense that we are a person who can and does follow through when we say, “I will do this,” and then actually does it.
If you know alcohol’s out, if you’re bot having the drink that matters - the first drink - then not drinking isn’t an issue, right? 
I’ll mull your thoughts over some today.
When I quit cigs I kept almost a full pack in my glove box for 6 months! It was like a safety blanket. One day the hubs said btw I smoked those cigs. I probably wouldn’t have gotten rid of them but it didn’t bother me that they were gone because I had almost forgotten they were there. Obviously I can’t do that with alcohol cause if it’s here I’ll drink it. It’s like by not fully saying never is like the safety blanket.
Glad to hear from you. Hope you are well. I feel like you were missing for a few days
I was missing for a few days. I have been a bit blah recently and I’m kinda feeling like I’m spinning my wheels. It feels like a transition moment for me; the pink cloud of early sobriety has passed and now I’m reclaiming my sober self - even building a new sense of myself - but I feel a bit lost about it. It’s tempting to just be like “Blah whatever it doesn’t matter” - but I feel like it’s important to carve out some new directions, to identify a few goals and stick with them. I’ve been doing the plank challenge and that feels good actually. I want to have more of a sense of purpose and place for myself. 
Well I know you will find what you are looking for. You always seem so insightful and good at helping others look at things outside of the box. I’m sorry that you are feeling blah and hopefully it will pass soon
Thanks Jenn I appreciate it. I’m starting to think it’s the same thing a gardener must feel as the weeks of weeding and maintenance turn into months and years: it’s the same thing every day. But that’s ok. The garden’s beauty comes from exactly that routine.
There is meaning in routine I suppose. Now I need to learn to be content in the space I’m in; to be content with myself. Time with myself. I’m learning to value that
Been in a workout rut this week but I have an appt with an ortho Doctor about my shoulder next week. I don’t really have anything good for my thread today. I did try a new and easy recipe yesterday.
Brown some meat and stir in 1 seasoning packet from ramen then remove from pan
add some frozen vegetables, 2 cups of water, 2 packages of beef ramen, 1/4 tsp of ginger. Bring to boil and cover. Let simmer for a few minutes and add beef back into pan. I added some soy and fish sauce on top. It was pretty good.
That sounds delicious! Sometimes the everyday stuff is worth appreciating. Sounds like a good meal sister
Today was really mentally exhausting. Work was crazy busy. I was typing away when I heard a thump, look back and Haley was on the floor and shaking. She had been in the chair the dogs sit in while I’m working. She has had seizures since we rescued her and the vet told us it wasn’t often enough to have her on medication but as she is aging they are becoming more frequent. Still every few months but today’s seizure was bad. At one point I was screaming for my husband because she couldn’t catch her breath and I didn’t know if this was it. Oh man, I was so scared. The vet aged her about 3-4 when we found her and she has been with us a little over 6. I know I will outlive my dogs but they are my children and my heart is heavy this evening thinking about the future. She slept most of the day but is back to her normal self now. The hubs is on a downward spiral and I couldn’t comfort him because I was working and then Haley. I was able
to get him into a doctor to try and find him a primary here and hopefully a mental health referral. (That’s a whole other chapter) I’m just so mentally drained. I’m gonna do this crazy long 2 minute plank and probably lay down
Oh Jenn that’s so much to handle all at once. You’re carrying so much, I’m sorry you are going through that. It’s hard. Taking care of yourself now is probably a good idea - rest, and things will look better in the morning.
I’m so sorry to hear about Haley. It sounds like you’re very attached to her. She sounds like a wonderful dog
Gonna try for some sleep tonight. I didn’t get much last night. Idk if the fox got into something but his stomach has been gurgling and he has had some diarrhea. I’m happy I’m off from work tomorrow. I have a productive day planned. I still feel mentally drained today but didn’t wanna not put an entry on my daily journal lol
Today was a pretty good day. I called the vet about the fox. He started to eat and drink again when I was talking to them so They said to just watch him. I worked out and did a 3.5 mile jog. Then did a little Walmart run, got a haircut (just a trim) and made a pasta bake. I’ve been watching a show on hbo max called Snowpiercer. I’m liking it. Bout to lay down and read a bit of a book before bed. Hope everyone is well
What book are you reading?
Sorry I haven’t been around. Been feeling a bit ‘blah’ myself, @Matt.
I don’t attend AA, but I have used the steps and my understanding of the big book (I downloaded it on my Kindle) to mold some of my own sobriety path. I’ve been to meetings here and there but have never been to one that made me excited for it.
There’s also alternatives like Smart recovery and recovery dharma.
I used therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, journaling, yoga, meditation, and this app.
My husband has also got some depression going on. I bought him a SAD light and that seems to be helping. I hope your husband gets some help. Getting mine to a doctor of any kind is impossible. 
Sorry about your dog, too. Mine started having episodes last February. We saw a neurologist a couple months ago who said whats happening doesn’t actually seem like seizures and seems more like maybe a tumor.
It sucks so bad to watch your babies go through it.
It’s one of those romance novels. So far it’s reminds me of a hallmark movie lol it’s call Can’t shake you
Yes getting him to the doctor and getting the work started has been a journey for most of our relationship. I basically forced him about 7 years ago and the doctor put him on depression meds and he stopped taking it. I have him an appt for the beginning of February and I hope he goes. I made the appt, I’m going to get the new paperwork filled out to send with him. I really think it’s more than depression and I’m just hoping he can find the correct medication. I’m helping but not trying to force like I have in the past. I’ll look into the light! Sucks when the fur babies are sick. Since I can’t have kids, they are my kids (probably why they are so spoiled) I hope you are well! I had noticed you missing and am happy you are back 
Sounds good! Romance novels are fun - a nice escape
Being bipolar I definitely go through my cycles.
But also, 4 years on this app has taught me that sometimes I need to Step away for a few days here and there for my sanity. I wasn’t feeling very well either, which makes me a little grumpy and I would read posts and not feel like what I would say would be helpful, or considered kind. 
That totally makes sense! Sometimes I’ll type out something but then delete it because I don’t know how it will be perceived. I think the hubs is bipolar or maniac or maybe both. He has just been diagnosed with depression. I’ve done a lot of research since we have been together. I just have my fingers crossed that he can get a mental health referral