I got it! 
You are the best, Matt! 
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Thank you so much for being kind and reaching out to my post @LeeHawk may I ask what your story is? I hope the damage i have done to my body can be recovered from and i have not lost time on earth with my beautiful daughter who is only going to be 2 this summer
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I should do those things. I really hope the damage I have done though can be fully recovered recovered and hasn’t shortened my time on earth with my beautiful baby girl who will only be 2 this summer. I have very bad anxiety and even right now and am very anxious and hope my body can recover once again. The worst I ever experienced was ending up in the hospital and having my stomach pumped, catheter and a machine breathing for me years ago. I thought that would be my last wake up call.
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Absolutely. I’ve struggled with alcohol for years. At the end, I was getting sick from it. I drank all day, everyday. Not a binge drinker. I’m 80 days sober after relapsing constantly. Even after rehab, I relapsed all through the pandemic, but still got a lot from rehab. I attend AA and The Luckiest Club meetings via zoom daily. I listen occasionally to sobriety podcasts and have read a ton of quit lit. My children are age 17 and 14. Matt posted the helpful links. I would start there. I’m rooting for you!
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I wish health insurance was more affordable, I miss having a therapist once I found the right one. It helped a lot and with insurance being so expensive I am at the mercy of relying on myself I I like to do better, get sober and stay sober, especially for my daughters sake. She’s my whole world and I need to start taking care of myself so I can be around a very long time for her. I just hope the damage I’ve done from Bing drinking hasn’t shortened my time with her, I often get very anxious and scared from my muscles siezing up, tingling in my hands legs etc. The morning after my night of random Bing drinking episode will be the death of me. Thank you for sharing your post.
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Are you employed? Is there an EAP (Employee Assistance Program)? These can provide funding. Do you have family or a church that could help fund some? This is no time to be ashamed. You need to search for sobriety the same way a person searches for water in the desert. You need it to live.
Search, call, ask, check, call another place, check, and do not ever give up until you find what you are looking for. Even the places that are paid, the people may have some ideas of where you can look.
And:
AA is free.
SMART Recovery is free.
Celebrate Recovery is free.
Dharma Recovery is free.
The dozens of other recovery groups. All are free. And with the online options they’re happening 24 hours a day. There’s one happening right now that you can join - explore some of the links here and you’ll find one where you can get help. Many of the people in these meetings have been in exactly the same situation as you:
Online meeting resources
Has this worked before? Be honest. Why are you trying to do it alone?
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Ivan how are you doing today?
Thank you for sharing with me, I hope we can all Mae it through this nightmare that never seems to end. I went on a long walk with my sister who is visiting and we had a long good talk. She’s always been very supportive and is going to try and convince my parents to let me stay till August 1st/September 1st instead of July 1st which isn’t a lot of time for someone who is a full time student and working, even though my episode the other night caused me to miss my training days for Amazon so now I will be out of a job there I’m pretty sure. Especially since I don’t have a contact info for them. And I know I’m going to need proof of income for an apartment or even a house so…
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Hey @Matt I’m doing good today. Thank you so much for checking in on me, i apologize for the slow response, I’m a single father so between that and being a full time student my life is hectic. How are you doing today?
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Good overall. Today the weather was lovely and I was grateful for the chance to take a walk in the forest with my wife. Today was also a bit emotionally intense for me today because I lost my perspective a bit during a conversation with my wife about our finances. We’re in reasonable shape but we had a difference of perspective on the questions we were considering. It’s weird how some topics are so raw for me. Before I wouldn’t have bothered even reviewing them; but now that I’m taking responsibility for my life I am finding I have to come to consensus with my wife and that requires listening and communicating effectively, and maintaining my emotional balance. It isn’t always easy
Hi i am ian and i am an addict so i seen this topic and was like wow that is me…so i was sober 2 two years i felt the freeing feeling that the program of aa talks about i know what it is like to feel comfortable in my own skin march 16th 2 days after an amazing family trip to Disney i reward my family with finding me dead of an overdose swell guy aint i so i wake up in hospital family is fed up with me and my family is wife and step daughter. Like i said they fed up so i am at hospital alone lungs bleeding because they had to beat on my chest so far.and i wake up finally and because i cant smoke i ama from the hospital so everyone thought i new i had drugs at home how sick is that i just die and i am worried about getting high…that is the crazy part about before you even know it you are not in control…anyways wife wanted me to leave my home and know if i got help i could’ve stayed… I chose to go on a cross country trip to get high…till i hit Chicago on the greyhound bout something that made me feel like my skin was crawling so i made driver pull over in Nebraska somewhere… I litterly could not leave hotel room and when i was able to i was on the hunt…few days later i go to Denver and yea i got what i wanted since my overdose i didnt stop until 11 days ago i am doing a 90 in 90 i feel so great after a meeting i meet with a new sponsor tomorrow i just need home group and service position…but i have that fear of failure. Of letting people down. How can i control these feelings? Has anyone made it past these feelings…how?? Please help i dont wanna be a statistic…
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Control is one of the things we struggle with in addiction. We don’t have control over most things in life. What we do control, is our decisions, to use or not to use.
The feelings come and go like waves on the ocean. You learn to “ride the wave”, to surf your way across the emotion. Meetings (AA, NA, etc) are a great place to learn this.
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I guess I felt like that because health insurance has always been hard to come by these days. As well being a full time student while trying to work full time doing temp jobs, good health insurance doesn’t seem to be made affordable for all of us, rather affordable to the “higher” status per say. But today’s been a great day. Went to the gym this morning, been spending time with my daughter watching angry birds with her haha. She loves waking up every morning and watching it first thing in her breakfast.
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That’s lovely - it’s so nice being able to share in the wonder children have at their world
Resource management (time, money) is one of our delicate areas in recovery. It certainly is for me - I’m still learning - and I know it is for many others here as well
Resource management is a learnable skill though, just like walking. And just like your daughter learned to walk, you can learn about finding and managing the resources you need to live.
EAP (Employee Assistance Programs) often cover counselling. My employer, for example, provides EAP to all employees, part- and full-time. Wise employers realize that healthy employees mean more revenue for the company (because healthy employees do better work, which translates into better company performance): the cost of providing EAP to all employees is far less than the money they lose by failing to invest in employee health & performance. Speak to your employer and ask if they have an EAP. If not, suggest they get one.
Even if you pay for it yourself, in many cases it is cheaper - often much cheaper - than what you were spending on drugs.
Even if you don’t go to a rehab program, the recovery groups I listed above are all free, and there are millions of people who use it to turn their lives around.
The opportunity to change is there. You just have to take it. Imagine how it will feel to be present for your daughter at all her milestones. That’s a good feeling - and you deserve it.
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I’m thinking about joining The Luckiest Club. How do you like it?
Thank you so much Matt, you’ve been truly helpful! So much information to take in. I am employed I just switched jobs to Amazon for part time for 16.30/hr for 30+hrs a week while I go to school fu time and can try to focus on my daughter a lot more. I also feel a lot of my stress triggers have been caused by the fact that getting a first house or even like a Condo/large apartment has been a big trigger because it’s just so expensive man. Like the way the system works is very flawed and unfavorable to most Americans when it comes to first time home owners trying to get their very first house, the price for a down payment is very high and I feel should be much less. At the end of the day why should it matter if you have 1%, 2% or even 3% down vs 10% down for a down deposit on a first home you know?
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@Matt man this literally gave me goosebumps on my arms having just read what you said. I don’t know what it is but maybe it’s the way you speak, you have a way with words that speak to other people’s souls. At least for me I can only speak on my behalf of course, you bring a calming and uplift with your responses to others questions even if they’re not mine personally, and for that, thank you man truly, thank you.
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Hey Ivan, welcome. I think having a support system is a big step. I also have a lot of binging episodes and coming on here has helped a lot. It’s hard to imagine that others are dealing with the same thing. I’m almost one week sober from my last relapse and I come on here every day and it’s helped so much. I hope I continue to see you on here.