I really don’t feel like I matter honestly. My sister ended up having to leave 15 minutes after I got there. I called my friend from school and she is on the way to meet me at a ramen bar we like. I feel hurt and alone and unwanted. And my sister invited me to her house for after the restaurant but that’s hard for me because I associated her house and husband and my drunk partner. I would take him shot for shot and he is a big dude. I was there last night and just watching a movie with them was difficult
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You don’t have to go. Setting aside the fact that you feel unseen and unheard - there’s something they don’t know or don’t see about you; it’s like they’re still operating on the assumption you’re “the former Jenn” - there’s the simple fact that you are permitted to do what you need to do to feel safe.
You can suggest a trip to a museum maybe? A theme park? Anything that would feel different and more grounded for you?
Just brainstorming. The key thing is that it’s you who decides whether and how you matter; and for that to take effect, you have to make an ask here, you have to set your terms, and you have to stand your ground.
The evolved Jenn is a person with healthier and reasonable standards. This is a space where she makes herself felt. She’s allowed to ask for the space she needs, and she’s allowed to stay in her hotel if she doesn’t get it.
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I don’t really want space though. I feel alone I know I’m not the only person that is struggling so not alone in the aspect. I just feel sad and alone. It’s like when I’m not with another person I’m having a hard time right now. I went to dinner with one friend then went to another house. Both I’ve know since we were 9. It was good and fruitful conversations. They both told me my feelings are valid and make me feel good at the moment. Now I’m at my hotel and I just feel sad. Maybe I’m dwelling. If I’m being completely honest I have resentment that my shitty dad is still here but my mother who was my best friend and there for everything is gone. That sounds harsh. I’m sorry
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I’m going to try to go to sleep.
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Sleep well Jenn. Have a hot shower or bath, play some soothing music. Be gentle with yourself, embrace yourself and comfort yourself as you would a friend going through the same thing.
There is a path to this. There is an end point. You are getting there. Just keep it up, one step, one day at a time. Hugs 
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Sorry Jenn 
Above posts landed here by accident from another thread. Checking if they can be moved 
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Thank you. I’m headed home today and in a sour mood but I appreciate you taking care of my thread lol
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Sour but sober. Mmmm… just like Five Alive
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I googled five alive and it showed me juice. Is that what you were referring to? 
Yes. It’s a drink. It’s a combination of fruit juices (orange, a little bit of lemon, grapefruit, etc) and it’s a little sour - but also alcohol-free. Just like you 
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The last few days have been emotional. I’ve been home but I was angry at my dad, still am but I feel a lot better being home and away from him. Scott and I worked out our stuff. He has been giving me more attention and it’s the small things that make me happy. I think he is trying to make up for my birthday which was terrible. My dad didn’t message me until the day after and then wanted to stroll down memory lane about how I was such a daddy’s girl. And it’s true I was when I was under 10 and before he started a new family (twice). Ugh anyways shitty birthday but moving forward.
Yesterday was so nice. I ran 6.25 miles and I was so happy to be back in my element. To just be home and feel in control. Then I napped in the afternoon, went to my first PT session (it was more of an evaluation) and made some food. Today is my last day off on my vacation. Nothing major planned but a workout at 7 and probably a run. In a way I’m kinda happy to go back to work but I’ll miss all this extra time to run. It gets so hot in the afternoon I just can’t. Mid morning is the best. Anyways, I hope y’all are well and have a wonderful day 
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Glad to hear you’re settling back into your at-home groove. I’m also glad Scott’s connecting - these seem like the small things but they have a big impact
It sucks when members of our family seem to be blind to our experience. It feels like being totally ignored and un-present. It sucks.
You always look content when you’re exercising. It seems cathartic for you. I’m happy about that
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Today is 6 months AF for me. I’m not a fan of anniversaries. It’s like I want to celebrate with the thing I’m quitting. I did it with cigarettes too. Milestones just seem like a trigger. I haven’t really been active here because I’ve been in a rut of just fighting urges to drink and it makes for a negative person.
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Congratulations, Jennifer 
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Thank you 
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Congrats on 6 months, that is huge! Great job!!
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Thanks.
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Congrats on 6 months!! That’s so amazing 
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This resonates with me, both as a person in recovery - the count of days is something I don’t focus on & I also have mixed feelings about it - but also as someone who is working through the process of doing an adoption.
Several of the adoption workers and other parents I’ve spoken to have warned against celebrating the day that the children arrive in your home. For the children that is an experience of deeply mixed emotions, and it can raise fears and anxieties related to security, loyalty, and identity.
I think many of us in recovery have similar mixed emotions related to our addiction. Those were days of deeply mixed emotions and loyalties. We feel deeply conflicted about it.
I don’t know if that is in the ballpark of what you’re sharing here, but that is what you made me think of. Thank you for digging into your considerable courage and taking the time to share with us today. You have so much value in this world, for your story and your experience, and how it weaves in, around, and through us, as individuals and as a community. You really do. I’m not sure you see that clearly Jenn - or maybe you’re just very humble - but I want you to know I see that in you. The world isn’t the same without your thread here in our fabric.
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