Continuing the discussion from The Stupid Polls thread (Part 1) - #2775 by JennyH.
Previous discussions:
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A dream about some past events…
Recently a dream of the police surrounding my house looking for my ex, but instead of me being there in the midst of it, i pulled up to the house and watched as an outsider…
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Hopefully yes
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I often dream about being back in college, usually time of final exam and I’ve never been to that class before, or I can’t find the class, or I’ve failed something and one credit short for graduating. (In reality, I graduated with honors)
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What about us poor souls who don’t dream or at least don’t ever remember that they dreamed?
&
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This is me aside from dreaming up the past … Still not often. Outside if that I don’t dream. But hey, no dream is still better than a bad dream
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This is not a stupid poll, rather a very serious poll.
The situation is, my mom is at home hospice care with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She’s living out the rest of her days at home. My family is with her, taking care of her, making sure she’s as comfortable as possible. The doctors gave her weeks to months.
My wife had booked a vacation in July (before all of this) and I had told her that if mom is still hanging on, I am not going in vacation. My wife got upset that I even consodered that being an option.
So, if you were in this situation, what would you do?
- Stay by Mom’s side, no matter what
- Go! And live your best life
- Ask for Mom and Family’s blessing/wishes and comply
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I know the answer somewhere between stay and ask the family, despite my wife saying I still need to live my life. I thought maybe I’d see what the community thinks.
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Argh, I can’t pick. That’s a tough one. I’ve recently lost my Dad, who lived in the UK, while I’m in the US. I didn’t get to see him in person in his final months, but I did, and still do, cherish our zoom connections.
So, while I like the two extremes (go/stay), I’d probably go for the family blessings for that extra peace of mind. Probably 
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I think only you know the answer to this one. That is a very tough question but the good news is, which ever answer you choose is the right answer. There are merits to both.
Maybe ask your Mom what she would do, Moms are honest with their love. I’m sorry that you have to make this decision but again, which ever way you go (I think) is the right way. 
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I am sorry about your Mom and glad she is in hospice at home, I know what a blessing that can be for everyone.
My suggestions (I did not take the poll), are many… #1 get trip insurance if you can. #2 consider this as a very fluid situation, that can change quickly. #3 when you are both rested, talk with your wife about it more…your concerns and worries about missing the end (if indeed that is your concern)…have the conversation and see what her concerns and worries are as well. #5 have the talk you want/need to have with your Mom now (if this is what you want/need), you will lighten your load and your Mom’s. #6 keep in mind that many people in transition need their loved ones to be okay with their leaving (this can be subsconscious)…and it can be the case that when one is away (getting coffee, taking a nap, on vacation), our loved one chooses that moment to transition. For some of us, this is a blessing. It has happened many times in our extended family. Lastly, understand your wife is also under stress, as you are. Stress does not always bring out our best.
Sending much care to you and to your Mom and family. 
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That is a real tough decision. I remember when my grandmother passed away during COVID and I didn’t make it to see her another time. I saw her in a video call though. The thing is for me that I was fine with her, we didn’t have remaining things to get sorted out. And somehow this is why I am still working on my relationship with my mother because of you would have asked me 4 years ago I would have been trapped. Being filled with guilt to even think about not staying. I think we made a lot of progress and it would influence my decision today.
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When I was a teenager, my friend & I got pulled over on a highway. My friend was drunk & failed a sobriety test. Instead of arresting my friend, the cop told me that I had to drive the car instead. What should’ve happened to the cop?
- He should’ve been fired.
- He should’ve been disciplined, but not fired.
- Nothing. It’s okay to give ppl breaks sometimes.
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Actually, in 2017 her father passed, at home hospice care; cancer. She was with him, I was home with the kids. There was a memorial service here in our home state, which I went to. Then, 4 months later, the family had a 2nd memorial service in Hawaii where his remains were laid to rest. That weekend happened to be the same weekend that my sisters and me had plans to attend a music festival in Arizona (we’re from Washington). My wife resents me, still does, for NOT going to the service with her in Hawaii.
That whole experience influenced my decision to stay, should it come to that, and instead of compassion and agreement, I’m met with more resentment. I can’t fucking win with her. 
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From Sassy.
My suggestions (I did not take the poll), are many… #1 get trip insurance if you can. #2 consider this as a very fluid situation, that can change quickly. #3 when you are both rested, talk with your wife about it more…your concerns and worries about missing the end (if indeed that is your concern)…”
This is how I feel. Both. What @mx_elle said and @SassyRocks
And also one day at a time on it.
You definitely shouldn’t be pressured into making a decision now. Do get the trip insurance if the trip is already planned. Your mother could die tomorrow then this is no longer an issue. Your mother could be alive six months from now. Day by day you will learn more and things will change one way or another. Give yourself the freedom to be with your mother and the rest of your family if that is what you want. Do not get locked into something you can’t get out of. It might be then more than anything you’ve ever done in your whole life you want to be with your mother when she takes that last breath if you are able to.
Sassy also said lots of times when people walk out of the room after being there for quite a while the person does take that last breath .
This is something that happens.
How are you supposed to go out and have a vacation time if your mother is dying?
If when July comes and she’s still alive if you feel like you’re capable of doing this, then by all means do it.
And don’t feel guilty or anything else because you have spent time with her since she has found out that the end is more or less in sight for her.
But don’t give up your opportunity to be with her if that’s what your choice is. Or might be whenever it happens.
You only get one time with that.
There’s lots of times out there for vacations with the family.
Big hugs for you I wanted to find out how your mom was doing and instead of looking for the other thread I see some of it here.
I dictate and it changes it after I hit send a lot. If it looks wrong it is wrong excuse typos
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It seems important to your wife for several reasons, such a point of view must have an emotional background, maybe others than her experiences you mentioned. Did you talk about it? (Rhetorical question, no answer needed).
I’m glad your mum is at hospice at home and you are a loving, caring family. Everybody has an individual level to which such a situation is bearable and how to cope with it.
Would it be an option for your wife to cancel this vaccation and promise to go on vaccation after the funeral? From my personal experience this worked for my ex and me when his mother was in hospice. We both needed the vaccation afterwards.
Sending you strength and love
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It’s a tough dilemma that does not yet exist. I wish we could postpone, however it’s a joint vacation with her sister’s family to California then we are all off to Hawaii for her cousin’s wedding.
I guess the only thing I can do is wait and see how things go, then decide when and of the time comes.
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Good choice. We are with you if you need us.
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So she would be with her family and not going on vaccation alone when you decide to stay with your family. Well, that is a different situation. It’s a hard time for you and you have to deal with a lot of emotions. Don’t forget to make time for yourself. ODAAT
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I’m very sorry to hear about your mother.
Response under a tab because some of us ("some of us" is me) can't reply in less words like normal people.
It seems this issue is much deeper than choosing one of three options. Emotions are a very tricky thing, and when left unresolved they can blossom out into other areas and future situations. Since you say that your wife still resents you for not going to the Hawaii service, this tells me that those unresolved emotions are fueling her feelings in this situation. This is something she needs to work on personally, but also with you (and maybe include a professional).
So, you’re right when you say that you can’t win with her. You can’t in this situation because it isn’t just this one situation you are fighting against. It’s likely that she has a whole internal basement filled with anger and resentment, but that she can’t express or even understand consciously, and that may have something to do with her feeling like she is “unimportant” to you for whatever reasons those might be. It’s important to point out that how someone feels does not always translate into reality. Emotions are like that. Whether or not she feels important to you does not equal how you actually feel.
We don’t always know why we actually feel a certain way or what we need from another person in order to soothe those emotions. This goes for you, your wife, and for basically everyone at one level or another. You may feel like you were there for your wife when her father passed because you already went to one service and that she is being unfair by resenting you for not giving up plans to go to a second; while she may feel like you should have given up everything to be there both times to support her. Which is right or wrong? Neither and both.
Everything we do, think, and feel is filtered through the colored glass of our experiences and often our insecurities. We don’t see that the glass is colored though because we’ve always looked through it.
I’m pretty sure none of this is actually helpful in you figuring out a solution for this situation, but they’re some thoughts I had, while trying not to write an essay. In the end, for better or worse, we have to live with our choices. I would suggest asking everyone a lot of questions. See how your family would feel about you going on the trip or not, really dig into why your wife feels how she feels. Ask her how you can “win” – how can you both “win”? What does she need from you in order to resolve her emotions? What do you need from her in order to feel supported? Lots of “why”, “how”, “what” type of questions. Though the resolution also depends on your wife’s willingness to engage honestly with you and with herself.
I hope all of this made some kind of sense. Whatever you choose, I hope that it is what you decide will leave you with the fewest regrets over the long term.
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That’s a tough ask poll. If your mom is conscious, ask her.
It may NOT BE FAIR
When my dad passed, it was tough. This is your journey.
Only you will be OK with whatever situation you find yourself.
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