This is a very thoughtful and helpful perspective. I really appreciate you taking the time to share it. This feels impactful to me…
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I just hope that everyone who comes here feels like they can be safe and explore their relationship to their addictions, safely. Otherwise, what is the point.
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Here, here. I have this posted at my desk for virtual meetings. I am gpong to change my T to thoughtful. Excellent thing to check on befire spealing or posting. Thanks for this reminder.
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Hi Folks I do not have any where near the experience you have here. I am at 22,5 thousand post read. Recently I saw a little drama unfold in a couple of instances and I scroll back to get the whole conversation. I am no way saw anyone out of line to upset the folks who said they won’t come back. it is true relapsing and addiction is a horrible thing and sobriety is hard for us all in our own way. I have found you all to be honest, caring, and thoughtful. That is my two cents to put in.
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I only hope I’m contributing in a positive way as much as humanly possible as I know when I first started my journey having interactions were very uncomfortable and I wouldn’t want to place anyone in position that pushed them away as this forum has allowed me to express my journey without judgment and I hope I’m doing the same 🫶🏿
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I agree with you to an extent, D-Money, and as you know, even though I love you to pieces even though we tend to hang out on opposite sides of the spectrum. I know that what comes from you is from your heart, and it’s because you care. The delivery. It can be interpreted as a bit harsh. On the flip side, I’m likely perceived as a coddler, and I can be. I pull out my Google psychiatry degree and try to help in a way that seems it would resonate with each individual. No two people are the same, so a single approach will not work with everyone. Tough love worked wonders for you. Therefore, it’s natural to think that it will work wonders for others. If I think someone needs tough love here, I know we have you and a bunch of other people who can step in where the people like me are weak. I think we have great teamwork here.
I think we should be supportive (in the general sense) until we get to know people better. That will never happen if we run them out the door. Some people deal with so much shame when getting sober, if their first experience here is tough love, it’s going to damage their opinion of this forum which is a life changing resource.
Some people need tough love. I believe you personally krespond well to it yourself, and I respond well to compassion and knowing that in
@Lisa07 Great thread. I wonder if we don’t start new members off in some kind of incubator that members can opt into. Kinda like the, ugh it’s been so long since I’ve been in it, but a section devoted to members with a join date of less than 30-90 days. Just a super rough draft idea. We can split the sections a bit … go easy on me or I’ll jump off a cliff, or “If you’re looking for truth and tough love” section (stole from @Englishd)
I’m just thinking out loud as to how we can keep people here. I know that I was so scared, insecure, and sensitive when I started on here. People would say things to me that were not meant even remotely in a mean or harsh way. Yet, I took it that way and I was so hurt and left so many times. People want to matter even if they are just anonymous on a sobriety site. I’m glad I came back every time I got butt hurt lol. This place has been invaluable to me, and I hope I e been able to help others the way that they have helped me.
I apologize in advance if the following is offensive, and Disclaimer: I can say this because one of my besties is 20 something years sober and he’s one of the old timers, he got sober very young.
it it’s something that bothers me and many others. It’s just not openly spoken of, and it’s separate from my reply to Derek. I have known many, many old timers from AA. I respect their time, but do find their approach to be quite militant. My issue with this is twofold. 1. So let’s say we have a 60 year old person with 45 years of sobriety, So, they quit drinking at 15, but go to AA regularly and it’s become a way of life. Do they know what it’s like to be addicted? Sure thing and I’m glad they stopped so early in life. However, I don’t necessarily believe they can truly understand what it’s like to keep on drinking for this 45 years and what it does to your body, family, future, health, etc. I knew I was addicted to alcohol when I very first started drinking. I couldn’t put the bottle down. I was 13 and my eating disorder came that same year.
The second part is that it really is possible to get sober outside of AA. Just like I mentioned earlier, everyone is different. We will not have a single trick that works for everyone. I do fine at first in AA, always make some friends, stay in touch over the years, get involved, the works. Heck, baby daddy #1 was a dude I met in AA. However, as time goes on, it’s the same war story over and over again. The negativity and living in the past, not the beautiful future sobriety has waiting for them. This is just my opinion and not fact, but I feel AA focuses on the past and makes drinking a permanent part of your life. Can’t go to a meeting without thinking or talking about drinking.
I don’t think about drinking anymore. It’s not a focus in my life.
I do enjoy coming on here for the variety and open structure that welcomes all methods of sobriety.
Sorry so long and I’ll probably have to edit later. Time to take the dogs out.
Again great topic and I love seeing everyone’s responses 
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What is sad is when a person leaves and we moderators delete their threads, posts, everything, when it is requested. A lot of valuable conversation just goes away, a lot of learning, too. But also evidence of some conflict that has occurred is gone. I really believe we can learn from these conflicts and it saddens me when they have to be erased.
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Thanks for this. I appreciate your musings and input. It’s a pretty big challenge keeping people present, supported, and engaged at times. I hope we all are just trying our best the way we know how. And maybe listening to each other while we are at it. Definitely a vulnerable group of folks we are, huh.
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I agree with this 100% because when I first joined this community I received a few responses that were not helpful and almost caused me to leave. However, a few people made a difference and ultimately changed my mind about leaving. Unfortunately though, I’m not as open as I would like to be because of the negativity I receive when I do try to share something.
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That was about the saddest part of the job. The behind the scenes stuff, which no one sees…is what makes this topic so important.
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Oh wow, I had no idea you had to do that. Especially, because at times people get emotional, request to be deleted, or relapse etc. Then come back and would probably like to read back on their old posts. I know I try to look at mine from time to time.
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Thank you, Mira. I was thinking along the same lines.
Among anonymous strangers on the internet, nobody should be appointing themselves watchdog/nanny/enforcer over others and taking charge of anyone’s sobriety but their own.
Well-intended scolding and berating are still scolding and berating.
I also appreciate your observation that many here might have come from dysfunctional and unsupportive backgrounds.
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Great read. I’m 79 days sober. Just left AA meeting a few under a year like myself. Others sober 20/40 years discussions normally topic how great sobriety is. I like the counting of days as a reminder that I remember daily not to drink. Maybe 20 years I won’t count days anymore. It does state in AA materials volunteer service is recommended when you are strong enough and can help other alcoholics.
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100%!! However, as a newcomer, there is plenty you can do to help. Come in early and make the coffee, set up the room, even lead the meetings. Each state I’ve been in has been slightly different. I’ve been in NY, FL, and NC. I feel like FL was definitely my favorite and I attended for years.
In NY I was too shy to take on a volunteer spot. In Florida it was actually hard to get a spot. The meetings were huge, yet we all knew each other. In NC I started right away. I just went to whoever was chairing the meeting to see where they needed help and I was put to work.
I may or may not have made little origami shirts with ties out of my money for the basket. So, maybe that negated my help.
Anywho, I say jump in. Get a commitment like coffee or something.
As for counting days, everyone is different. I missed my 3 year anniversary. I stopped counting a while back. I like the days over months though. Back when I was in AA and in all three states, it went by months
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Sometimes total deletion is the only way to be sure.
For safety. For peace of mind.
Though sad it may be for some, it is an important and powerful option to offer.
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Dunno… I am beyond grateful for the option to retrospectively delete old posts and account. Some of my worst rock bottoms / breakdowns / fuck knows what I was on about moments were live-posted on here. Having those posts forever stain my account would only increase the shame and anxiety I already feel. Shame and anxiety did nothing to help me finally sober up. It was finally choosing to be nice to myself.
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Love this. 
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Nobody wants to deny you the right to delete stuff, from a single post to your complete account. It’s your account. Still deleting accounts is a sad duty to perform. What I personally find saddest is the removal of material which is very educational and helpful to others, to new members especially. Threads that held great discussions, knowledge and insights gone forever.
From a moderating viewpoint, losing info on previous fights, flags received, and other unacceptable behaviours can make fair moderating harder too. For example when someone deletes their full account and shortly after comes back with a new one. We can deal with it but it doesn’t make our job easier. Again, not denying anyone the right to have their stuff removed.
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I can absolutely see how this can make moderation more difficult. Especially as you guys are volunteers working hard to keep this community as safe as possible. You are awesome
But I kinda think allowing people full control over what they post and whether to delete it or not is what sets this community apart from most other online places. We have real autonomy over our content here. That’s really valuable.
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