I think you are one of the kindest and most thoughtful posters here. Self reflection is always good but I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
I am like others and have struggled a little to engage recently as it has all felt very confrontational. One of the things contributing to that is not knowing how much to step in, step away. I really like the idea of being able to PM the moderators for advice in those times. Thank you 
I wasnt looking for reassurance but thank you for saying that Jenny, i just felt like maybe at times id forgotten just how bad it was…i know i did infact, maybe thats something our minds do to protect us but i have said from the very beginning of my journey that compassion was the only thing at the time that pulled me out of the horror i was in, its not like that for everyone but i remember being so lacking in that at the time it was what i needed xx
I’m not sure if this is the place for this but I’ve thought of it the past few times I’ve been on this thread, if someone’s posts aren’t helpful you can also hide users. Its a setting under preferences and if I find myself cringing when I read someone or getting worked up I hide them for a while. I have also instructed new-ish members on how to hide people, if they are interested, if it seems like they are having unhelpful back and forth.
Just one more way to keep sober and civil.
Hiding and muting members that get on your nerves are great tools for keeping your inner peace while being here. And all these are great contributions to this thread IMHO, @Starlight14, @JennyH and Emilie. Thanks for contributing 
On Flags…as a “once upon a time” moderator…i will say what i noticed on flags. Very few people on here have been flagged where it would count negatively towards them. Those with an abundance of flags are the minority.
With that said, flag something if you think its warranted. The moderator team looks at each one carefully.
The overwhelming majority on here learn from their flags and grow. So if someone is worried about flagging another member, dont be.
Very appropriate place for your insight and share @Starlight14. I think many of us can relate to looking back on things we have said and cringing / being ashamed / feeling guilty. I know I can.
And I don’t think I ever thought of it exactly that way before - so that is a helpful remark and reminder.
We are all human and self forgiveness and compassion are often needed as well. We learn and grow.
And I agree @TrustyBird and Mno, ignore / mute are very helpful features with people we do not mesh with.
I agree, Ignore/Mute option for certain people could be a nice feature. It’s interesting, not that long ago, i was speaking in specific terms only folks with my issue can understand completely and made a post that a few people didn’t like. I could have easily be muted by some folks and muted there responses i didn’t care for. But then i realized something: I needed to stop and see there perspective, yes they dont understand 100% where i was coming from, and yet, learning to first empathize with others was a good exercise for me. I learned on this chat, i use the “check in” chat to do just that, check in and keep it moving. When i want to word ‘vomit’ specific to my issues, i have chats for that too with people who 100% lived in that world and get it. That’s what’s nice about this website i appreciate: We got folks from all around the world with a variety of problems we are all trying to get through. I love @Tragicfarinelli @Juli1, them my swimming partners. @JazzyS, always checking on folks. I miss @KevinesKay more than anyone, he’s helped me so much over the years deal with my struggles.
I do the same. Recently I had to use that tool more often but it really helps me to feel less triggered.
Not at all behaviors can be chalked up to being a new member or being in early sobriety. Those things shouldn’t be an automatic pass for shitty behavior. Sometimes people are rightfully called out by numerous members of the forum for the same behavior. If they end up leaving because they are unable to receive the feedback that’s not on the people providing the feedback.
I’ve been sitting on this all day, especially as not getting into internet spats anymore is a huge and important part of my recovery. New me avoids backwards and forwards as much as humanely possible.
Generally, when I see something I don’t like or don’t agree with, I keep my big fat carpal tunneled hands off the keyboard. But that’s not always possible, regardless of how much I would like to offer support and leave it be.
When a new member makes some highly inappropriate comments on another member’s selfies, doubles down when called out, starts a thread, doubles down some more, continues to reply to all her threads, and then blasts her on yet another thread to apologize ‘if she felt’ unsafe, that’s a red flag.
When the same member continuously mentions their (supposed) mental health credentials while replying and giving clinical advice and diagnosis to every new vulnerable member, that’s also a red flag. It does cause a power imbalance. People trust authority figures and someone presenting as a mental health expert puts themselves up as an authority figure in a community where many of us do have underlying mental health conditions on top of our addictions.
And when that same member asks the ‘females’ to take part in his personal referral / signposting service… well, red flag. Why would he want to be in so much contact with the women on this forum?
And 'Im sorry of you felt like… ’ is manipulative. Not a real apology.
In my little opinion, we i believe are talking about 2 different categories of people. The "shitty behavior people…In my time as a moderator, i can count on one hand those people. The other group, those who didnt respond to a specific aproach, I would need multiple hands to count.
There are 3 versions of me, so to speak. The drunk monkey, the monkey that showed up here his first day and the monkey that lives and breaths now.
Drunk monkey would have been put in the “shitty behavior” category. Monkey on day on here,…the Monkey that had just pulled a gun out of his mouth and was desperate. The monkey now, sees individuals.
The first monkey would have lasted only days.
Second monkey was so desperate, he stayed no matter what.
Point being, on the internet, without knowing who is typing the words…kinda hard to see what version we are dealing with. Kinda hard to see their fragility.
If you want feedback to be effective, giving it as tough love delivered by a group of people in a dominant position is not the way. There are rules for giving feedback and they are there because you want your feedback to reach the recipient and have a positive effect on them.
I hesitate a little to post my thoughts, but I’m doing so in the hopes that it will be useful in some way. I am not referring to any specific person or people, or any specific situation or set of issues in this. It is simply my thoughts overall in a general manner.
To “think before posting” is always a good idea, whether on this site or another. While the saying, “the Internet is forever” may not completely apply on this site, given that posts and accounts can be deleted, this saying can be applied to life in general. The things we do and say are forever recorded somewhere, even if it is in the recesses of the mind of someone you don’t even know exists.
What we do and say has consequences–for good or ill. Sometimes those consequences are tiny, but these things ripple out and may have larger effects that we may never know. It can be difficult, especially when we are emotionally impaired in some way, to stop and ask ourselves if what we are about to post is necessary, but if we are able to do it then we will have won a major life battle.
I think @Starlight14 makes a good point about those early in recovery maybe needing a little more compassion and patience to work with. For those who have left that time far behind, the memory can be so distant that it can be hard to relate. This doesn’t mean there is an obligation to treat anyone in any specific manner. Those who are early in recovery do not “deserve” anything, and also need to understand that their behavior and words will also have consequences–as they should. But sometimes those consequences should come from a moderator, especially if the behavior is grievous enough.
I think one of the things we work on in recovery is being able to understand our own needs and to stand up for ourselves with dignity and grace, not lashing out at others, being manipulative (or allowing ourselves to be manipulated), or infringing on the rights of others. This is difficult enough for the non-addict, but I think even harder for those of us for whom this forum was created.
While it would be good for everyone to “be more thoughtful” or to try and understand where someone is coming from before posting a reply, some people are better at this than others. There is no moral judgement in this; it is simply a fact that we all have strengths and weaknesses. This forum is full of all kinds of people, with all kinds of life experiences, and with different levels of social grace and awareness. We may want other people to be a certain way, but we can’t always control that.
It is definitely good advice to mute someone on the forum who may rub you the wrong way. Sometimes people are not actually doing something against the rules, but we don’t like what they’re saying or their views anyway, and so it is good to remember that while they are not in our power, what is in our power is to “walk away” from a conversation–i.e. to mute them and their posts. We will not all see eye to eye. You will not always be liked. I will not always be liked. Nor will we always like others.
While I do agree with @Englishd that sometimes certain behaviors do need to be called out, I would also like to point out that I have seen members of this forum gang up on other members to a point of excess. None of us are exempt from the ability to display this kind of behavior. I think caution is advised when joining in with a dog-pile. Sometimes a response is appropriate, but I’m not sure that means that all types of responses are appropriate, if that makes sense.
Overall, I think maybe it is a wonder this forum operates as well as it does sometimes. We all have some kinds of dysfunctional thinking and ways of being in the world, or else it is unlikely we would have become addicts. I appreciate that this thread exists because it is a good topic to discuss as there will be many difficulties in member interactions.
No doubt the success of the forum is due to the fantastic moderation efforts of current and past moderators along with many long-term members who have a variety of approaches and are willing to have these conversations. I think it’s only through discussions such as this one that we can not only improve this forum, but improve on a personal level as well.
If single persons repeatingly causing problems, it is not about the other people, it is about themselves. Rational mathematics.
Love, peace and ease! 
We used to say “love, peace and chicken grease!” I tend to agree with you, Julie.
Long winded 
Never 
So well put, and I’m glad I read it.
I’m glad you mentioned the “dog-piling”
Thanks for your post.
It’s unfortunate that dog piling happens. It’s also unfortunate that some people won’t receive, or believe, feedback unless multiple people say the same thing.
Scott is right though, people like this are in the minority here. However, if multiple women, and men, are calling out creepy behavior that makes people feel unsafe then that person is in fact creepy.
I have yet to figure out the ‘look under the tab for my long winded reply’ like Chiron has. I am hopeful they will clue me in. 
Chiron made many good points. One point that really stuck was the effect our words have. The very real consequences of them. Our words are to real people, struggling people, people in pain. Our words have impact.
Unless someone is breaking rules, it is not for me to judge who deserves to be here or not. We all deserve the opportunity to work on our selves, healing and sobriety. That is why the forum exists. To support others and our selves in sobriety. To create and sustain a sober community.
No matter who you are, what you have done, where you are at in life or sobriety, you deserve a seat at the table at TS. That is what I believe. Obviously not everyone agrees. Also okay.
This isn’t just about the last person who left or the one before them or the one before that. This is about how we are as a community. Are we welcoming to struggling newcomers? Even those we may find off, strange, annoying, creepy, sanctimonious, condescending, etc. Are we compassionate with eachother? Even those we disagree with? Can we support people where they are at?
We don’t all have to agree, have the same approach or be friends. But we do need to follow the guidelines of civility, respect, not dogpiling, name calling, etc.
We are all deserving of being in community and finding support here. You don’t have to offer support to people you don’t want to. That is your choice. But you don’t need to cause harm with your words either.
If someone breaks rules, flag it or bring it to the moderators attention and we will deal with it. If you believe someone needs an eye on them, bring it to our attention.
I hope this community will continue to grow and offer support and healing and a safe place for people in need.
Civility, kindness, compassion…we need more of this. Not less.
Lisa’s original post was…
THINK before posting and ask yourself is my response going to be received as:
Thoughtful
Helpful
Inspirational
Necessary
Kind
A few newcomers have been chased away by negative interactions. Everyone is welcome here and deserves respect and positivity, even those that are restless, irritable and discontent in early recovery. We were all new at one point and it’s easy to forget where we came from. Remember, not every post requires a response and if it’s against the guidelines, flag rather than condemn. If you disagree and feel the need to respond, please do so in a positive manner.
Sassy, would I be correct by stating the point of this entire thread is about each of us looking with in ourselves and sizing up ourselves and not why another person cant/wont/ect accept our individual approach? Its about reflection on ourselves and how we serve, and maybe how we can serve better. In short, as AA states…keeping our side of the street clean?
Picture below for reference. Go to the gear, click “hide details”, and you will see the first “paragraph” in the example. The second one I have altered. You now have the power to write your own massive wall of text without annoying people who don’t want to read it. 
Hopefully this is helpful. Feel free to message me if you have any specific questions.
