Hi all, so I think I’ve finally snapped and I’m ready to go sober, I’ve said it multiple times in the past due to losing friends, ending up in unsafe situations, consistently not knowing what I did or what I’ve said. I’ve been struggling with binge drinking since I started drinking at age 18, now I’m 25. I don’t drink everyday, but I certainly feel the urge to blackout atleast once a week… Id I go out with others I always tell myself I’ll be sensible but I always always end up taking it too far, the anxiety and the pain it causes after is unbearable, alot of the time I enter depressive and suicidal states.
My last drinking episode was on Saturday which has been the final straw. Once again I’ve embarrassed myself in front of coworkers, rambling on about my personal relationships and sharing things I never would usually, losing my bank cards , phone dying needing to get a taxi home when I was meant to get a train and just being an annoyance on what was meant to be a co-workers celebration night out. As usual everyone had gone home and I was blackout , god knows what I did or said, and the coworkers left with me have both messaged saying they hope I’m okay, which leads me wondering what the hell did I share and do, but I feel to guilty and ashamed to ask. I wouldn’t even remembered if I got kicked out or if I threw up or anything 
I’ve always had situations like this occur, and it leads to my partner not having trust in me when I go out as he never knows when or how ill get home, and he feels the behaviour is childish, which I agree. I always take it too far , I can never be a normal drinker I’m very much all or nothing, I don’t care about money or my own safety. I’m also not a nice person to my partner when I’ve had a drink, and he’s had to put up with a lot over the years,it’s led to many fall outs and him feeling he can’t put his all into us as he is just waiting for the next time I do something dumb.
I genuinely feel so ashamed to go into work I almost don’t want to, knowing everyone will have seen me in a state.
I have been blacking out at home drinking on Saturday nights since I can remember , for no reason whatsoever , and then on Sunday I’ll feel awful, binge eat and get nothing done. It’s almost like a ritual, and all week I’ll be waiting so I can blackout on Saturday.
I struggle with an addictive personality, and have struggled with ANA/BED since around 13 also, and stopped smoking around 1.5 years ago, thankfully never started vaping .There’s also suspected ADHD, which can explain the impulsiveness.
I’m just tired of this cycle, embarrassing myself and overall wasting money and feeling all this guilt and shame, I genuinely I’m this moment feel like a loser , I don’t have many friends , a lot due to fallouts whenever I’ve gone out with people, there’s so so much hurt because of this but I’ve never seemed to be able to commit to stopping.
I really, really want to go sober, it feels so hard in this society, but for my mental health I really need to.
Any support would be great, I just feel really alone, my partner and I have had many conversations around why am always the drunkest, always the messiest and he’s right , no one else I know ever gets into the states I do, and it seems to happen all the time, even if I go in with the best of intentions. I just feel like an utter mess 
Hang in there. One day at a time, every day 
I’m a fellow nicki dealing with similar struggles. You have a great bunch of people here and remember to know you are worth it and can do it!
Thank you, I really hope so, you are too , we can do this together 
That all sounds too familiar! You’re not alone. You just listed a lot of reasons why you should get and stay sober. That’s no way to live your life. (I know, I’ve lived that life too).
You know your ‘why’, now you need your ‘how’.
There is a ton of helpful information on here. I’d say don’t rule anything out, keep an open mind and you will find what works for you.
In it’s most simplest of terms, you just need to not have that first drink, you can’t go too far if you do not have that first drink. People like us cannot moderate our drinking, we cannot apply rules to ourselves to say we will only have one or two and stop after that. That never works, we have to quit fully. Stick around, have a read, ask questions, you’ll get a lot of support here!
Hey @nicki123 you could have just described me in your post. Yes youre a mess but you arent alone. Good for you to see your addictive cycle and habits are detrimental to the life you want. Thats an awesome first step. The first few days are so tough but it gets easier the more time you get between you and your last drink. Dont worry about forever. What worked for me was to get curious about recovery, look for resources, podcasts, visit this fantastic group daily. I highly recommend annie grace 30 day experiment
Thank you lovely , I will have a look at this and let you know how it goes 
Sounds like you will be on your sobriety journey soon!! It is an amazing feeling to come to terms with your drinking and ready to make a change. Getting sober was the best thing I have done for myself. The journey is a hard one but so worth it. Welcome to the club!!!
I could have written most of that myself, except I repeated that cycle for another decade before I got it through my thick skull. 
Have you tried AA or another support group?Recovery Dharma, Smart, etc. I assume you feel like you are ‘not as bad as that’, not drinking every day, no shakes, etc, but these kinds of groups are for anyone who abuses alcohol, whatever the degree. I promise you will feel so much less alone hearing from people who have similar thoughts and feelings to you. And hearing from so many people who recovered really gives you hope that you can too.
I was honestly so lost with my drinking. Just incredulous at myself. Terrified of my own behaviour and thoughts. The fact that drinking barely even crosses my mind now is astounding, but it doesn’t. And when it does it is like the ghost of a thought, no power at all. I am sure it can happen for you too if you put in the work. (Not meaning you aren’t trying now, but your trying is not focused and specific). You can do it. 
This sounds oh so familiar and the anxiety that comes with it is massive you can do this nicki im on day 10 after being sick of telling people my problems they are not bothered just something else to gossip about, do this for yourself.
Binge drinking was my massive downfall i dont want to be that person anymore, take it a day at a time.
I am still navigating the world of support groups, it’s definitely something I’m interested in, just finding the right ones as it’s quite overwhelming ! I really do need support in ending this cycle or the same thing will happen, and I’ll be blacking out every week, I really don’t want this life anymore
Hey Nicki! How are you doing today? Just thinking about ya 
Hi, I’m on day one and can totally relate. I don’t have any advice just yet but I wanted to wish you well. You can do it!
Hi fellow Nicki! I’m feeling okay today, albeit a really tired, trying to be kind to myself even though I’m sitting with the feelings of shame and guilt , I feel my struggle will come more on Friday/Saturday, I haven’t gone a weekend without alcohol in years so definitely will be spending a lot of time on here for support! How are you today @nickipixie
You too! Always here for a chat
Hi @nicki123 ! I’m ok today, feeling a bit anxious. I’ve been trying to keep my mind off the thought of having a drink, planting flowers and herbs, cooking. Make sure to always be kind to yourself, and know that this coming Friday and Saturday we will be here! 
You’re definitely heading in the right direction by coming here to vent, and share your story.
It takes a lot to share things like that with the world. I was the same as you 5.5 years ago, minus the blackouts I suppose. Maybe my tolerance was just very high.
The only exception was that I was drinking everyday, no exceptions. Drinking right after work until 2am ALONE most of the time, and then going to work and doing it all over again.
Trust me, just take it one day at a time. The thing that helped me the most is exactly what you’re doing right now: thinking ofhow terrible you’ll feel the next time you give in.
One day I finally just had enough, and didn’t want to keep feeling that way. I sense that time for you is now, or you wouldn’t be here.
It’s a bit difficult in the beginning, but keeping yourself occupied and around others you feel comfortable with, will help a lot. Come on here every day and keep a daily log for some self accountability and use the app widget on your phone. I have mine setup so it’s the first thing I see right on my main screen any time I turn on my phone. Just as a reminder how far I’ve come.
I wish you all the best, stay strong and never give up ! This goes to both of the Nickis 
@nicki123 welcome this is a very supportive community. Read around. Maybe commit to not doing blackout Saturday this Saturday.
Wake up with no hangover and no regrets on Sunday morning.
Do you think you can commit to this Saturday, 
I got sober during Covid, so did it all online, there are still online groups which I think are a great way to try things out, to see what kind of support might fit you.