I’m now 10 days sober… I have tried to sober up before but I wasn’t dedicated. This time is different and I am motivated to quick.
Since being with me, my partner has upped their drinking… I told them until I feel strong enough that I need alcohol to be out of my life as much as possible. They agreeded to drink once a week. Then last night sent me a text saying they really wanted a beer. Long story short. They told me it’s their life, not their drinking problem, it’s nice to relax and escape once in awhile with a beer. They are willing to make changes and cut alcohol out but when they are ready… we are moving in together so they are stressed and said they need a vice and time to figure out life without alcohol and better ways to cope. Even after I told them how important this is to me and my sobriety right now.
I’m so emotional fragile right now that even them mentioning wanting a beer after a hard days work almost triggered me to drink…
Am I being unfair and almost envious that they can drink responsibly and not a have problem? Or am I hurt that they can’t stop drinking until I feel strong enough to them too…
I feel like it’s a matter of time till I cave in. I need my partner to be my rock, my supporter. And now I feel alone and that they don’t really understand what I’m going through.
Any comments or relatable struggles you guys have had?
A few things that may come across harsh (brutally honest) but I don’t intend it that way.
This is your sobriety and no one else’s.
Some things that are rather difficult have to be done alone (meaning, don’t expect others to quit with you)
If you need support from people that truly understand, find a recovery program (like AA, SMART, or Women of Recovery) and not put that on your husband.
You are allowed to set boundaries by not allowing alcohol in your home.
Be open-minded to every resource out there to help you.
The amount of effort you put into your recovery in sobriety is what you’ll get back. Abstaining, having morals, and hiding out is not enough.
Expecting others to fully understand and then they don’t can lead to a resentment which leads to relapse.
Only you can make you happy. It’s an inside job. Otherwise it’s considered codependency and you’ll be disappointed.
I am married to a man that I met in recovery. Down the line, we relapsed together. Now we are both in recovery. Mistakes I made?
I put him ahead of God and my sobriety.
I expected him to make me happy
What I learned?
Our recovery is seperate: he works his program and I work mine.
Sobriety comes before anything else. Anything you put before sobriety will be the second thing you lose.
I am responsible for my own well-being. I take full ownership, regardless of what anyone else is doing.
You say that you are GOING to move in together so right now you are not, correct? I would say if he is drinking away from you then there is nothing you can do. However, I do think you have a right to at least DISCUSS the possibility of having an alcohol free home when you do live together.
I am married to someone who still drinks. I decided to become sober for myself. I can’t tell him what he should or should not do (unless of course if I thought his drinking was a threat somehow to our family - but it isn’t). He has been really good about keeping his drinking to a minimum. Usually he has a “cocktail” after I’ve gone to bed now.
I think in a relationship you both need to be respectful of each others’ needs. If you need him to not drink around you then he should respect that. But you have to also respect his autonomy.
Just my humble opinion. (though @Melrm is my sober guru…so you’re probably further ahead to listen to her advice over mine. LOL)
One thing that helps me, is knowing that he will be safe. When we go anywhere, i drive. It helps me to know that I have control of not only my sobriety, but his safety. I may not control how much he drinks, but i can control that he will get home safe. Focus on the things you can control. This is about you.
As unfair as it is. It truly is your drinking problem. It is your life and you are responsible for your actions. If your partner is able to drink and be okay that is their choice. You are stronger than you think. If it starts to really get out of control that’s one thing but for now let them do their own thing. Don’t push them away. Dont feel anger towards them either because you’re only hurting yourself.
My wife still drinks. I never thought it would be a problem because I respect she’s in charge of her own life. And, you know what? It has not been a problem, and my being sober has inspired her to drink more responsibly. I am so thankful to be where I’m at
Thank you. I need this too. I’m on 1 week sober today. No help from the wife. I’ve got some tools to deal with it but for crying out loud does she have to be drinking Mexican martinis the eve of my FIRST week? More hot tea and soda water for me. My devotionals in Courage to Change from Al Anon helped me with this 2 days in a row.
Yesterday: I do love the alcoholic in my life and I wish her health happiness and sobriety but I cannot give it to her. But I can love her. It’s been 36 years. And we both drank a lot together in those years. I need sobriety.
Today: I will appreciate my self and not look to her or others for approval.
It’s kind of like my god knows I’m struggling and put these devotionals in from of me on purpose.
God bless everyone. This is hard work. We can do it.
I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. My husband is not an alcoholic but still gave it up for me. And almost a year later tells me that though he’s not an alcoholic he can see the benefits of not drinking. For me, I couldn’t be with someone who drank bc then I would just fall off again. But, that’s just me.
My sweetie stopped drinking the day before I did. In fact, she flew me to Alabama from Washington, dropped me off at treatment two + years ago. I work my program and she works hers. We both agree if one of us was still out, the other soon would be too. Difficult position you’re in, but work what works for you. You are worth it!
I been married 5 years the last 2 we pretty much been separated…he was in rehab got kicked out he has relapsed n as far as i know hes still going hard drinking druggin woman…i miss him and i still love him i jus got out of rehab i thought we was gonna be ok but i guess not…he still wants to pursue that life but i dont i miss him lots u went threw sum much together i want to b together but i dnt want the life we was living all i can do is tell myself hes on drugs n remember what comes with that lies cheating abuse
I think it would be worth thinking of the situation less in terms of making rules for other people and more in terms of making boundaries for yourself.
So if you are concerned that your sobriety may be endangered by you being around someone who is drinking alcohol, instead of thinking your partner (or friends/family) need to stop drinking around you, you make a boundary that if someone is drinking around you, you remove yourself from the situation. That might be going out for a walk or to a movie, or to the bathroom for a long bath, or whatever. In this way, you don’t make your sobriety reliant on the actions of other people, as you can’t reliably control other people (and it will piss them off if you try to).
It may be that you feel that you need to live in an alcohol-free home. If your partner does not share your home, it’s a completely reasonable expectation that they won’t bring alcohol to your alcohol-free home.
However if they do share a home with you already, I don’t think you can ban alcohol from the house as it’s just as much their place as it is yours. In that case, you might have a tough decision to make about whether you have a boundary that you won’t live with someone who drinks alcohol in the home.
Thank you for taking the time to write all of that out. You’re absolutely right… I really, really needed to hear that.
