Triggered, weak & maybe even on the verge of relapse


#1

I have a question & I need opinions.
Please take your time to read it..
I’ve been clean & off of drugs for 3 months but just recently I did take something but not my choice of drug.
My problem is meth… I know if it had been ice that i did that night, I would have been binging right now & would had hopped back on but the drug I did, one hit & didn’t even touch again, it just doesn’t catch my attention.
But I know there’s no excuse.
So would you consider that a relapse? I still have no intention of doing drugs or hopping on ice again. But I have been craving it & it’s been on my mind a lot lately which is frustrating, which is probably why I did it. Just to feel like it’s something to take the edge off. I’m just glad it wasn’t meth. Which is also why I’m not sure if I should be too angry at myself.
But I have been thinking of rehab just to make sure I don’t go down that road again. It’s one of my biggest fears. I don’t think I can keep doing it alone. It’s not that I’m going to relapse on it but I feel as if I am risking dropping one habit for another.
Would do yal think? I’ve been needing help since the beginning obviously but I’ve never tried rehab. I’ve only ever had substance abuse classes. so I’ve always avoided it…


#2

I always thought drugs were my problem, and then started drinking again. Addiction is addiction in my opinion, no matter what mind altering drug we use. We need to abstain from all of it in order to recover.
Hope you do okay and perhaps get to a meeting.
X


#3

Yeah… I see it the exact same way. I’m just upset I did that, even tho it wasn’t my choice of drug, I know it’s still a drug…
thank you for the feedback


#4

Dear Maria, I totally relate to you wanting to know whether what you did was ‘a relapse’. I too fiddle about with words as if that will change the truth! For instance I’m going on holiday soon and after 12 days sober I’m asking myself whether it would ‘actually count’ if I drank on holiday? I mean it’s a holiday after all, surely that would be ok? “OF COURSE IT WOULDN’T BE OK” was the resounding message I got from this group and they’re right. Drinking is still drinking regardless of where I am or how hot it is when I do it! Taking drugs is still taking drugs regardless of what kind. You and I are both trying to make excuses for ourselves and until we can be honest with OURSELVES we haven’t a hope of really conquering our addictions or moving further and being honest with anyone else. You said yourself that you need more help than you’ve so far had. You are asking for feedback here which is exactly the right thing to do, but congratulate yourself too because you already know what you have to do - get outside help, check in to a programme. The BEST thing about this forum is that I feel accountable to these people - I can’t let THEM down by letting myself down. A pr grammar would do that for you. Go for it my dear and so will I - we can kick addiction’s arse good and proper!! YEAH BABY YEAH!!! RAAAAAAA :lion::lion::lion::lion::tiger::tiger::tiger::tiger:


#5

Maria,
Thanks for sharing. In my opinion I follow that old saying, “To thy self be true”. I wouldn’t beat yourself up. But, I agree with the advice offered to you above. Switching from one addiction to potentially another can be deadly. I know people and know of people who referred themselves as “addicts” not “alcoholics” as if there was a difference. I’m not one to judge but there are plenty of people out there who gave up drugs only to have alcohol come into the picture…put its hand over there shoulder…and take them the rest of their way to an early, untimely death. This might sound grim…but really, is it? Alcohol was my gateway drug. It brought down my walls of defense and judgement just enough for me to EVENTUALLY say, “fuck it!” My drug of choice is MORE. More of anything that allows me to escape reality. I don’t know your exact situation as far as various mind altering substances but for someone that can claim to be an addict or alcoholic either one…cross addiction can be a gamble you don’t always win. But, I’m glad you are here. I am glad you mentioned this. Also, I think rehab can be a very helpful resource if you have the means to put yourself through that sort of thing and go in with the right mindset. I’m a fool…don’t be like me…haha…Ive been through rehab 12 times, yes 12. 8 Different ones in 3 different states plus military. I kept going in there in the beginning when I went to coed rehabs and trying to hook up with women. I didn’t go in there meaning to to that…it just sort of happened. Regardless, I got my priorities mixed up many times before I committed myself to recovery fully, why I was there in the first place. Sorry so long of reply. I hope this gives you something useful to consider. Best wishes to you.


#6

I’m going to try to quote something @BondJaneBond wrote about slips and relapse.
A slip is when I knowingly and intentionally use and immediately regret it and get right back into recovery. A relapse is when I knowingly and intentionally use and give up on recovery for a time.
Recovery is full of slippery times and the addict is a manipulative SOB. It knows what lies I will believe and tells me them constantly. It is up to me to know the truth.
Personally I can be addicted to ANYTHING. If it takes me out of reality I will get addicted to it. So in defining a relapse I would have to be using something to escape reality, to avoid the pain of life, for a period of time. I know when I feel icky after doing something, I probably shouldn’t have done it.


#7

I know for me I would count it as a reset. I can’t make that decision for you though.


#8

I love what @SmokeyMirror said. “It is up to me to know the truth.” Since I became sober, I have been having strong urges to pick up a cigarette. I quit smoking nineteen years ago. It was an addiction, and I know that if I pick up one cigarette it will soon be an addiction again. For me, anything that I use to artificially change my mental state is dangerous. It will keep me from being who I need to be in order to live a healthy, honest life. Whether or not it “counts,” I will know that I am looking for a substance to change something in my life rather than dealing with it on my own. Just my two cents…


#9

I think you know what it was: slip/relapse/reset or whatever word you chose to describe it, and only a person who wants to get better, would feel disappointment as a result.

What does this show? It shows you are an imperfect person, who has decided to be better, just like the lot of us here.

When I ended my last relapse (11 months long, after the death of my mom), to say I was “disappointed” is a gross understatement. I was PISSED at myself. Pissed for burning through almost a year of life wallowing in wine and beer, grief and self-pity, failing to be the husband, father, friend, employee, minister, disciple, citizen I should be.

If you think you need to take the “next step”, to escalate the war against your addiction, by all means, take that next step. Go to rehab. It can’t hurt the situation. Either it will stay the same, or it will get better, but it won’t get worse.

You wanted to be better, and decided to be better. Now be better. Keep getting better at getting better, each and every day.


#10

Yes!! That right there is what I was looking for!! So I guess I do have to reset my calendar huh :pensive: thank you love


#11

It did! Thank you! I wish you the best in your sobriety!


#12

Thank you so much for all of your feedback & honest opinions. Thank you for not making me feel low of myself & for not making yourselves seem superior in my situation which is what I was afraid of. I love that about this forum.
I will take everything each of you said into consideration & think about going to rehab because I think that is what I am going to do. I just need to come up with a date, I appreciate it


#13

Any time sugar plum - I’m sure I will come asking for reassurance before long!!


#14

I refer to these instances as “experiments”… Hmmm, let’s see if I can do this and get away with it. Let’s see if I can manage this, or moderate that. Let’s see how it goes and no one will know but me. Let’s see if I can try this thing…

In the end, they are not experiments and I discovered that I am not the one calling them that, the addiction calls them that. I need to call them what they are, which is “feeding into the lies of addiction”. Justifying the experiment, so I don’t have to call it a lapse. Or slip. Or relapse. Or fuckup. Or a moment of weakness. - that’s all the addiction talking. There is no justification for using again when You do not want to.

Whatever you call it, you know the amorphous feeling of having “failed”, your addiction is trying to figure out if it can tell you this lie, that it wasn’t a “relapse”. But the feeling is there, otherwise you wouldn’t be asking what to call it. You call it whatever You want to. And you can be stronger for having named it yourself. The word will resonate with you, because You came up with it, not addiction or the opinions of others (no matter how well-intentioned! :heart:). Own it, you’re strong, you can do this. Much love to you.


#15

Thank you so much… “feeding into the lies of addiction” you’re right…
I gotta keep that in mind. Especially when cravings start to hit…


#16

All the advice here and feedback is incredible and spot on! This forum is so great! I just hear you mention rehab and wanted to give you my experience on rehab. I was only a heavy drinker for about a year- quit, relapsed, quit relapsed etc. so June 29 I got into rehab, I tried to get in two weeks before but insurance etc took a while. Anyway I have three kids and my husband is really supportive but I was scared to death. Terrified to go in even though I knew I needed it- I needed help I couldn’t do it on my own anymore and my husband and family were at a loss of how to help. It was by far the BEST experience I’ve ever had in my life. I learned so much about myself, the disease, coping skills etc. I met incredible people that accepted me for who I was and love me unconditionally. I highly highly recommend it! It was such a wonderful healing environment :heart:️ Anyway you mentioned it a couple times and it’s scary to do that, it takes a lot of courage but if you want to and you’re able to I say go for it. Just wanted to throw out my experience for you :heart:


#17

Any drug is a relapse. It takes a big person to admit they did it. And rehab will only help if you are willing to work the program and do what you can to change. Just remember you can’t worry about tomorrow or what will happen in 5 minutes. You can only live minute by minute with addiction. Stay strong and remember you aren’t alone


#18

My drug of choice was meth also,I threw myself into a great rehab and got the knowledge of addiction,and met some good people with the same goal!I didn’t want to leave,I also have been having cravings.I lost my kids,and my house,so I am motivated to stay clean.Try and set goals,meditate,do t beat yourself up.And go to meetings definetely and meet other women to talk to…blessings


#19

Man I love seeing what you all say! Needed this today! Thanks!


#20

Thank you I needed that!!