Forming meaningful connections is an often overlooked aspect of lasting sobriety. Basically having friends, especially sober ones, is beneficial to staying sober.
When I walked in to AA I was pretty desperate for human connections but wasn’t really sure how to accomplish that. I was kinda just hoping that people would rush up to me and embrace me, but they didn’t. Granted, people were friendly for sure, but I was relatively unapproachable because I was still very raw from early sobriety. I had to put in the work to form those connections. I stayed after meetings to talk to people. I attended events. I tagged along to dinner and coffee when I could.
Much like anything else in sobriety I had to put in the work. I couldn’t just show up every few months and expect people to be my friends, then bitch about it because they weren’t. Same rule goes for this forum. Most people here are very approachable, you just actually have to approach them.
I used to surround myself with people who would co-sign my bullshit. Usually those were drug addicts because I was a drug addict. It was easy to think I wasn’t doing anything wrong because the people I hung out with did the same things. No one there to tell me what I was doing wrong. Eventually I actually believed my own bullshit. I thought it was okay to steal from family, to get high at work, to cheat anyone I saw. Sure on the surface it seems pretty clear that my behavior was abhorrent, but I was in that life so long that I stopped realizing that. And since I didn’t have anyone calling my bullshit it just reinforced my views.
It wasn’t until I changed it up and found different friends did I actually had some growth. Now I surround myself with people who are honest and upfront with me and my life is so much better.
This thread is actually a good example. We are having an open and honest dialogue regarding my behavior. I have yet to resort to calling you an asshole or a fuckhead or whatever else. And you, similarly, have not called my an asshole, or twatface. So basically it’s a conversation based in respect. If I want people to respect me then I should be respectful to them. Similarly, if I acted like a petulant teenager I’d expect a response geared towards my attitude.
The topic that got closed reminded me of my early sobriety so I posted about it. Another member decided to bring up the other member, which you continue to do as well. Acting like you somehow know what she’s thinking. Enjoy your glass house because you’re doing the same thing I’m doing.
I see where you’re coming from with this and I agree with the whole, if you can’t help leave it alone, dont respond to anger with anger approach.
However. I also have another reaction inside me. That has to do with forever (in my childhood and still today in my family) being on the receiving end of other people’s anger and blaming and aggression, their behaviour being justified with “because they are hurting”. “Because I’m hurting you are stupid and you can’t do anything and because I’ve had a bad day or experience XYZ I’m entitled to yell at you and make my shit your problem, and I’m entitled to insult wildy and then I’m entitled for caring souls to come running after me and see behind my anger and try and draw it out of me what is even the problem that started all this, the problem I have with myself.”
I’ve grown up in an emotionally abusive environment and have perpetuated the same structures with friends later as I’m sure many here have experienced similar things, and it triggers me extremely when another yells at a number of bystanders aggressively. Because they are hurting. I understand that might be the reason, but that doesn’t make it right. It is not the only possible way to deal with one’s problems. There’s a lot of folks on here who didn’t need to read today “suck my ass fuck off etc” simply because they were not to blame for anything and not involved, or even tried to sincerely help (not me). Your saying how words hurt goes many ways.
Also, I stand by what I wrote in that post. It might not have been kind but neither was donuts entire show so I don’t feel guilty for that (in fact, I do but that’s a different story. I don’t believe that I have to feel guilty though). Also, before I got sober I was well on my way to becoming such an entitled person for all the suffering I went through and all the deep and real pain that I had, and it did me much good to realise I was not the center of the universe and I had a part to play in all my conflicts and to get out of this damned victim mentality I had seen in the adults I grew up with. I learned that no one was owing me anything, especially if I treated them badly. I found the saying pretty eye opening.
I say all this from a place of respect for you and absolutely most people on here and willingness to understand and live and let live. But somehow, this topic of dealing with anger and aggression is one close to my heart and daily life (sadly) and I felt I had to say some more about it.
Not going to wade in on holding our tongues vs. not. Lots good has been said.
Another good point was made that got lost. The word “cliques” got dropped, and not the first time.
I don’t know if the intent is to make people feel bad about their friendships. Doesn’t matter though, cuz it’s an effect. And why should I attack others for forming friendships?
I admit, I like people liking me and it hurts when I feel left out. Took me a lifetime to realize when this happens,
they’re just not my people and that’s fine, or
they are and I’m not putting in the effort to get to know them.
Half the time I don’t because I’m too focused on myself, and the other half because I’m too afraid or anxious to put myself out there. When I push past my shortcomings, I usually find “cliques” are just people comfortable being around each other and it’s something I need to work on.
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No actually I can’t: you’re way funnier than I and we can’t take that away from ppl!