How long have you been together with your Mrs?
Weāve been together over 2 years. Married for over a year.
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I think what he was getting at is that the rule itself if practiced as stated can also do significant harm to the kids. Let alone how that agreement can be weaponized in a relationship to cause other traumas for the kids.
I donāt think he was talking about having the kids sit there and watch some one drink and drug themselves to death. But to say that for a year after a relapse or an accused relapse, a tiramasu errantly eatenā¦ and weaponized by the other, you canāt see the kids may well rain hell down on kids who canāt understand why they canāt see their particular parent.
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This isnāt about accusations or accidents. We both know the type of addicts we are. Scott is 100% right in his characterization of what would happen. If one of us picks back up the kids are most certainly better off without us. If we go back out itās very unlikely itās going to be a one night deal. If we go back out our actions have very real consequences.
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Yet.
Nothing is absolute other that if we pick up we dieā¦ Eventually. We have no promise that it will be hard and fast or whether it will make us suffer a long slow miserable life before it kills us. That is why the disease is cunning and bafflingā¦ Everything makes sense on the way down.
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I get it man.
If I pick up at this point it will mean that I chose alcohol over my children. That I chose myself and my addictions over them.
I hold zero doubt about what I am. If I picked up then it would mean that I have gone insaneā¦ again. And if that is so then I have lost the right to be around my children
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now thats some fucking powerful motivation
Though love : this would be harmful for kids. Itās just a fact. Even if you go out the train and be a total wreck for a month, and then have a 60 days of assisted recovery, and only then might be able to go back to your normal life, youād deprive them from the father they could have for the rest of the year? If youāre actively using I get it, thatās basically why child care services exists. But rehabilitation exist for something too. Iāll say you might be the proof that rehab works too. Aināt a year without a father will do any good to any child if the parents is in recovery.
But this is not going to happen because youāll stay sober anyways.
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Unlikely either of us would survive 30 more days in the wilderness, but at 60 days sober we would both be a fucking mess. There would be supervised visits only, if anything at all. Plus, at 60 days the chances of relapse are far higher than at 1 year. Even worse than having one parent disappear is having a parent constantly coming in and out of their lives and being all fucked up. If we couldnāt string together one year of continuous sobriety after a relapse it seems clear that we arenāt fit to raise a child either.
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Letās all just agree that it wonāt come to that. Obviously, you are really strong in recovery and I have no doubt you catch yourself lying to yourself in time if t were to happen
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Ultimately that is the whole point.
It is a deterrent.
Whilst Derek and his better half know the outcome, then that pain, not only theirs but their childrenās as well is the deterrent.
Though, as D says.
It aināt gonna happen!
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My expectation: āI did my job today. It was hard. Gimme a damn medal!ā
Reality: āYou did your job. Hereās your paycheck.ā
If the first one isnāt alcoholic thinking, I dunno what is. But I do it all the time. And the reality of it applies to my recovery, too.
Like, yeah. Recovery can be hard work, fighting a sickness as some say. We know that and a support network of people that appreciate the struggle is awesome.
But at the end of the day, the average joe doesnāt hand out medals for not falling face-first into a gutter. (Oh shā, I guess we hand out chipsā¦ well n/m, Champions)
We do get to keep our dignity, peace, and maybe food on the table, though. And aināt that something?
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The Goat is grateful to have his pay show up when it is supposed to in the amount he is supposed to be paid.
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Oh ā¦ Im really not sure if i can do this again (as ive tried a few times but @Meggers reading the first paragraph of your post was good for me,
I crashed in a big way a few months back now and have been doing the hard work to try and get myself to who i know i can be and love as a person,
Im going to grab the bull by the horns and try so hard to stop drinking now as I damaged an amazing relationship but we are slowly rebuilding,
I lost love for myself but this is returning and reading what you wrote has given me the courage to say yes I came very close to ending it all,
I dont want to do that as i have to much good to live for and to much love in my life ā¦ the clock has restarted and the journey begins again but it is one that is so worth while.
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How novel!
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Once we give up our own will and listen to others things get a lot easier. I didnāt write my post for others, I wrote it to release some kind of tension or frustration that was building in me, to help me, but itās been helpful for many. Iām very grateful that it has.
Always remember, we are our own worst enemies. Even when people are pushing and pushing we are the ones who react, the ones who take action. But the good news is we arenāt our own worst enemies forever. We learn to be our best friend and the love of our life. I wish this for you, and for everyone who reads this. 
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This is super inspiring. Thank you for sharing!
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The only people who ever attended my pity parties were alcohol and drugs. Eventually I decided to stop throwing pity parties and then I didnāt really see alcohol and drugs anymore. I donāt miss them. They were shitty friends.
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Iām guessing alcohol and drugs always turned up early to the pity party, and left lateā¦ And trashed your house while they were there.
Shocking house guests those two.
No one needs friends like that.
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Iām with you.
I told my girls dad and my family if I was ever to relapse he was to keep the girls from being alone with me until I pass that year sober mark. I told them until I am at least 9 months donāt even let me around. After that discuss letting me come to my exes house to visit.
I know how crucial that first year is.
I also know that something as big as thinking Iām losing my kids forever keeps me on the right path.
It would have NEVER gotten me sober but itās helping me stay that way.
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