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I didnât learn anything during my 2 relapses that I hadnât already been told by a dozen people. Just because I didnât listen doesnât mean I didnât know. âLearningâ from a relapse is nothing more than a cop out. Not listening is a willful choice, not lack of knowledge.
Thereâs nothing to be learned from a relapse. Point. Blank. Period.
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For me itâs been for my health. I donât have kids but I also didnât want to be a drunk father if I did have any because I wouldnât want to set them up for failure.
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Most returns to addiction are self-fulfilling prophecies. All of mine certainly were. Not being confronted with that truth, I was able to build up my layers of denial.
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The more I blamed external forces for my drinking and drugging the less I took any responsibility for the problems in my life.
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Saw an interesting post on people from rehab. Rather than derail another thread Iâm gonna put my thoughts here.
Most of the people I went to my first rehab with are dead. Same with my second. I scroll through my friends on Facebook and canât count on 2 hands how many are dead. Quite a few others seem to be well on their way.
Most of them donât get debate whether or not they keep their sober days after a relapse. They didnât even get to keep breathing. Iâm sure they, and what was left of the people that loved them, would really love the chance to start that clock over at zero days.
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Wow âŚpowerful⌠brutal honesty and truth
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I sat in a meeting on Friday with someone who I went to rehab with and she was coming off a psychotic bender and it was her first time back in the rooms for a while.
I sometimes feel shocked that Iâm still sober when many others have gone back to their old ways but also remember I changed everything and they havenât. I also havenât left thinking Iâm ok (even if sometimes I think about it)
It was a great reminder that rehab is not a fix all and I am so grateful to be here sober and breathing.
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A few weeks back I had to have a meeting with HR regarding some feedback from my staff. Needless to say that if you are meeting with HR the feedback isnât good and this instance was no different.
To be honest I did not agree with the feedback at all. In fact I still donât. I could have gotten defensive, made excuses, or shifted blame. Thatâs pretty natural for someone to do in that moment. But I didnât, because if different people are giving similar feedback thereâs probably some truth to it, whether I believe it or not. So I took the feedback, owned my shit, and made some changes. And those changes have yielded positive results in my department.
This is not so different from my first attempt at sobriety where I had multiple people tell me I wasnât doing enough. Except back then I didnât take the feedback. Instead I got defensive and acted like a victim because how dare them.
Turns out I should have taken the feedback because I relapsed not long after. Luckily in my sobriety I have learned to take accountability, even when I donât think Iâve done anything wrong, and as a result the outcomes in my life are much better.
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Thatâs such an important lesson to learn for us all. Not accepting feedback is almost like a reflex that defaults to these
I could add hiding behind humour. âOh, I was only joking.â
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Thatâs a total defense mechanism. Mine is drawing in on myself. Going recluse and shutting down. Itâs not a healthy way of accepting responsibility and itâs a terrible way to communicate.
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It took someone calling me out for me to even recognize that I do this sometimes. Iâm just happy someone cares enough to call me on my shit and not co-signing my bullshit.
Sometimes the only way we can grow is when other people identify our blind spots. If we could identify them ourselves then they wouldnât be blind spots.
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Thatâs the core principle of psychoanalysis: becoming incrementally more aware of what we continue to hide from ourselves via the reflection of a carefully observing other. Itâs uncomfortable and it takes a long time, but the change itâll bring is fundamental and lasting.
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About a month or so before I went to rehab for the last time I got thrown out of my parents house because my dad found all of my gear (syringes, cooker, cottons, etc). This was a hugely paradoxical moment for me.
First, because I was given the option of staying there and detoxing or being dropped off in the city with the last 200 dollars to my name. I instantly picked being homeless and using my last few dollars to get high. It was pretty clear I was nowhere near done.
However, despite that, this is also the day my recovery started. It was this day where I actually took responsibility for my actions. I did not blame anyone but myself for my decisions. When my dad found everything he wanted to literally go find my dealer and kick his ass. He wanted to blame my friends I used with. Even tried to blame himself. But I wouldnât let him do any of those things. None of those people were to blame for my addiction.
A drug dealer never got me high, only I could do that. Peer pressure stops being an excuse to act out in 7th grade. And everyone has childhood trauma, most of whom donât grow up to use drugs.
And in that moment of choosing homelessness I knew that moving forward I was completely responsible for my own destiny. It took about a month before I used that realization to see that my recovery was also completely my responsibility. And from there I was on my way to actually finding recovery.
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While I was in my first rehab my girlfriend at the time went to my house and threw away all my pipes/bongs/shot glasses/straws, etc. I was super pissed.
Pretty obvious I wasnât done yet because a sober person doesnât need any of that shit
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I put all of my wine glasses in the cellar at that time. It felt strange and yet I thought what do I need it for? I later gave all of them to my mother. She was in disbelief. If it was really necessary. Fuck yeah, it was necessary and if someone wants to have a glass of wine they can also drink it out of another glass. Maybe a detail but it was for me another door to close.
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I still have my collection of shot glasses on display. I wonât give them away because some were gifts from people and came from other countries but I have thought about boxing them up. Not the same as pipes and bongs though
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I was talking to my partner today about a person she knows who has been asking a lot about my recovery. If youâre not aware I am incredibly public in real life about my sobriety in hopes of this exact moment. The person is struggling mightily with their alcohol use. They attempted a home detox and lasted less than a day (which is normal).
So this person is interested in hearing more about me and getting some help. Like normal my response was âof course, give him my numberâ.
Well he declined to reach out because he thought I was already judging him for not reaching out to him first. Also heâs very turned off by my AA approach because of its âlow success rateâ.
This is a classic example of him expecting me to put more effort into my sobriety than he is willing to do.
He probably has a lot of pain and misery in store for his near future. Hopefully he finds that gift of desperation that so many of us have needed to get sober.
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IDK, I know that the dude isnât quite serious about his recovery yet, but maybe throw him a bone. Give him a lifeline and let him decide what he does with it after that.
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I made myself available for whenever he is ready. Not much else I can do.
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