One of the hardest things about being in long term recovery is the continued growth that is required. Part of my growth has been learning how to be objective in my self reflection. This means looking at my own behavior through the lens of other people.
Like any person I have conflicts and disagreements in my life. And like any person my first instinct is self protection. I want to focus on what they “did to me”. But I know that mindset is not useful so I do not stay there long. I can then get to the self reflection stage where I can look at my part in the conflict, but I’m still looking at the conflict through my own lens. This is a good place to be, but it really limits how much resolution I can get. If I’m still viewing it through my lens, there’s a good chance I’m still the hero.
I’m good days, when I’m really remembering all the work I’ve done, i can step outside of my own lens and view the conflict from the other person’s perspective. From here I am able to mend fences, create empathy, and truly be sorry. I do not do this perfectly. I do not do this every time. But I try.
I see conflict written about here many times a day. And this is as safe a place as any to vent. But if you find yourself in persistent conflict it may do you well to recognize and correct your own behavior instead of worrying about the behavior of others. I’m not saying to fall on every sword you see, but I’m guessing your part in the conflict is much larger than you realize and that you are not without blame
Considering that my part always includes how I react to the conflict, and what value I place on being in the right, it’s going to be the greater part of all conflicts of my day.
Much like there is no problem a drink can’t make worse, there is no conflict that my reaction can’t make worse. It would be really helpful if I could start at the place where I can view a conflict through someone else’s lens, because it would probably start most conflicts before they start. However, most times it take some pain before I can get there.
I decided to check out a different meeting today and there was a person coming back. Shaking real bad, looking pretty rough, typical relapse stuff. The chair person asked for a topic so I suggested the first step since we had someone coming back.
Well she immediately piped up that she didn’t need any help with the first step as she already knew all about it. However, if she’s out there relapsing she clearly doesn’t know enough about it.
I get that level of alcoholic hubris as I once had it myself. But in reality if I’m continuing to relapse I clearly don’t know shit about staying sober.
I know on this forum we often, and rightfully, caution against dating in early sobriety. The pitfalls are many and the rewards scarce. How, that dead horse has been beaten enough today.
Today’s reminder is about people with long term sobriety dating people with less than a year. Reminds me of a saying “they’ll get you drunk long before you get them sober”. If you’ve been on this forum a long time you’ll remember my first relationship “Kay” who had significantly more sobriety than I. We joked about it then but in reality what she did was not okay. She took as a of me when I was in a state of desperately wanting connection. She should have known better. Luckily I didn’t relapse, but a lot of harm came out of the relationship.
If you’ve got some time just leave the newbies alone.
Came across this thread recently when you posted about relationships in early recovery and I ended up reading some of your earlier posts to this thread. I really can relate to what I have read so far and what you have shared that got you to where your at in your recovery and what it took for you to get here. I never had a problem with you in the past I just wasn’t ready to hear the hard truth and I maybe wanted to hear what I wanted to hear… so I didn’t listen and had to experience more pain and bullshit doing things my way. I feel we have a very similar back story and I’m learning a lot from you and I’m grateful for how serious and direct you are. I now look forward to your posts and when you respond to people I know I also can learn something. Definitely going to be coming back to this thread often to read around. Thanks again. @Englishd
I remember talking about gratitude with my sponsor very early on. I was listening of my gratitude list one by one. When I got through it he asked me this question “so what are you doing to show your gratitude for all of those things?”
If you’re grateful for your apartment do you make sure to keep it clean and always pay the rent?
If you’re grateful for your partner do you something special for them every day?
Grateful for your job, do you show up every day and on time?
But most importantly he asked, if you’re grateful for your sobriety what things are doing to make sure you keep it?
The deadliest words someone who is trying to get sober can ever say is “I will never do ….”
Usually the thing we will never do is the thing that will actually get us sober.
My first attempt at sobriety was littered with I won’t do this or that. I wouldn’t go to sober living. I won’t do the steps. All that meant is that I won’t stay sober.
My last attempt at sobriety I was willing to try anything. The I won’t changed to I will. And once I did the things I wasn’t willing to do before I stayed sober. It’s not a coincidence.
If you have a bunch of “I won’t” and not a bunch of days you might want to change your mindset to “I will”
I think that is the definition of surrender. Thanks for this… Since I feel I have some experience (not alot) on this sober journey I am in a place I want to help and offer some suggestions on what worked for me. The minute I hear a “No that is not for me” I have to stop my mouth from spilling what I am thinking and say “may you find your own way and great if it works for you.” Even that sounds a bit sarcastic…
There’s a lot of comfort in knowing that I am usually the biggest problem in my life. When I am the problem I at least have the ability to change it. Sure, change requires a lot of willingness and work, but at least it can be done.
But I would feel hopeless if I tried to blame everything and everyone for my problems. I have no ability to change anything other than myself so if everything else is the problem then it would never change. That’s a scary thought.
Really good stuff! When I say I am enough I still know I can be better. To be honest so very much more than better. It is a full time job. Thanks for wisdom!
If you have enough free time to be bored then you have enough free time to hit a meeting. Boredom is not a reason, or even excuse, to relapse.
When I first got sober I was unemployed. Despite that I still filled everyone of my days with IOP, AA/NA, reading, and exercise. I rarely had time to stop and think about relapsing because I was keeping my days full.
